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Original poster

Old neighbour becoming hard work

93 replies

Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 11:53

My old neighbour is a single woman who whilst I was at my old house, I would chat to, check on, help where I could, buy flowers for to cheer her up. Generally just be nice and friendly.

Family and I moved about a 15 minute drive away so we keep in contact via email, and I've always told her if she ever needs help, just give me shout and if I can, I will.

I've taken her to hospital when she had a fall, taken her to appointments, still take flowers round every now and then and email.

So the past couple of weeks for me and my family have been crap, lots of things going on, none of it good, so I'm busy with that.

I received a message from my old neighbour saying if I haven't got time for her then I should just let her know.

Now this has really upset me because I'm not being mean, I've just got lots on and a grown woman is not my priority.

I replied stating that I find that hurtful and don't know what to say but I have been busy with what's happening in my life.

I almost feel like she's now being quite dramatic and attention seeking as she sent a reply to say she didn't mean to upset me yesterday and now this morning has sent another message to say that she isn't going to contact me for a while as she can't do anything right.

It's all so drama llama which I find off putting in any person.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be mean but I can do without the dramatics.

I'm not even sure how to end this post!

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 23/01/2025 11:55

Don't respond to that message. Send her an Easter card/ flower or something in the future to show no hard feelings.

maxwellparker77 · 23/01/2025 11:57

The op already responded

maxwellparker77 · 23/01/2025 11:57

AltitudeCheck · 23/01/2025 11:55

Don't respond to that message. Send her an Easter card/ flower or something in the future to show no hard feelings.

Too late

CoffeeCueen · 23/01/2025 11:58

Text messages are a terrible way of communicating. Why not just call her? So much misunderstanding from a text. She’s an older person and a cheerful call would stop her nose being put out of joint.

It would be a shame to lose the friendship, and you can explain how busy life is. She probably misses you and feels left behind and forgotten.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:00

I haven't responded to this morning's message but now I feel a bit guilty but also annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:01

@CoffeeCueen she's not a phone call kind of person, she hates a phone call, gives her anxiety.

OP posts:
workshy46 · 23/01/2025 12:04

You sound absolutely lovely and I can understand why you are put out. Unfortunately you have set the tone and now she really misses that level of contact/help so lashing out a bit. Shes got too much time on her hands like lots of old people.

mummytrex · 23/01/2025 12:07

Agree you sound like you've been a kind neighbour and she has now become used to the status quo and expects a certain level of contact. That isn't really your problem. You do have your own family and need to put yourself and family first. I'd do what @AltitudeCheck suggested and send a card at Easter.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:13

Yes I do think @AltitudeCheck idea is a good one.

I don't want to be purposely mean but I also feel like saying for goodness sake, grow up.

And she's not elderly, she's 60, maybe 65, no mobility issues, she goes out jogging.

She just a bit of an oddball sometimes. Like her heart is in the right place but sometimes her brain isn't.

But this whole if you don't have time for me, I'm now just going to sulk off has rubbed me up the wrong way.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 23/01/2025 12:15

Lonely people in my experience can end up over relying on people because they don't have many people in their lives or much going on and it's not fair.
It's on them to expand their network instead of putting it all on 1 person who has already gone above and beyond.
I have one in my life who while I'm busy getting on with kids, job, family, house, life etc, she's poised by the phone waiting for a message from me. It's suffocating and makes you not want to show too much kindness to people in future, which is sad.

DaisyChain505 · 23/01/2025 12:16

It sounds like she has quite a small world and you were a big part of that and she’s feeling sad about not hearing from you but has voiced that in the wrong way.

kill her with kindness and just let her know that you care however you have had a busy few weeks with family life.

Reddog1 · 23/01/2025 12:16

I’d bin this “friendship” off tbh. No Easter card!

loropianalover · 23/01/2025 12:18

I think you titling the post ‘old neighbour‘ gave the impression she’s very elderly, she’s only early 60s!! Tell her to jog on (literally).

Orangesandlemons77 · 23/01/2025 12:19

I'd just ignore it and forget about it. You live further away now anyway. maybe in future think twice before getting involved as it can become taken for granted.

Fraaances · 23/01/2025 12:19

I think you need to put her in her place and remind her that she is not the sun around which you orbit. You are entitled to feel overwhelmed by things going on in your life and are also entitled to need and want mental and physical space to get a handle on things. I hope that things pick up for you and she pulls her head out of her bum and apologizes.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:19

loropianalover · 23/01/2025 12:18

I think you titling the post ‘old neighbour‘ gave the impression she’s very elderly, she’s only early 60s!! Tell her to jog on (literally).

😂😂

Yes, now I realise that's misleading! I just meant neighbour from the old house.

OP posts:
barofsoap · 23/01/2025 12:21

loropianalover · 23/01/2025 12:18

I think you titling the post ‘old neighbour‘ gave the impression she’s very elderly, she’s only early 60s!! Tell her to jog on (literally).

agree - I assume she was at least 80. sounds like a drama llama - she should have been helping you out when you had problems, not expecting it to be the other way round

Goldbar · 23/01/2025 12:24

I think you can be kind but also set boundaries. I'd say to her something like "life is up and down for us and we go through patches of being very busy. So there may be times when you don't hear from me very much. But I'm here in an emergency and maybe let's have a cup of tea together Tuesday next if you're free."

Clearingaspace · 23/01/2025 12:24

Leave it for now and if you miss her company arrange to do something together that you will both enjoy. The way you have described helping her out and bringing her flowers made it sound like she was elderly or had a health condition. Just have a normal friendship with her where you also get something from the friendship - give and take. If she can’t do that then don’t feel obligated.

JC03745 · 23/01/2025 12:26

I too assumed she was a house bound 90yr old using a walker to get about!

I received a message from my old neighbour saying if I haven't got time for her then I should just let her know.

What happened prior to this message for her to say that? Had she asked for help and you said you were too busy? Had you just not texted for a while? If that was the case, why couldn't SHE have texted you to say hi?

mummytrex · 23/01/2025 12:29

I also wrongly assumed v elderly! She is being ridiculous. I'd definitely scale back. Send the odd card if you want but leave it at that unless you want to see her more. But don't feel obliged to. That saying "no good deed goes unpunished" appears to apply here!

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:30

Looking back, I don't think I've ever got anything from her, support wise. She's not good in crisis, panics at the mere drop of a hat and is always so dramatic.

I just worried about her because she's on her own and once we left the old street, no one else would be around for her.

Maybe I have just been too nice and now she's messaged to say she isn't going to contact me for a while, I should just leave it there.

OP posts:
barofsoap · 23/01/2025 12:33

some people can be sponges and soak up all the help - she is no age and needs to get on with things. agree best to leave it at that after her text

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:34

JC03745 · 23/01/2025 12:26

I too assumed she was a house bound 90yr old using a walker to get about!

I received a message from my old neighbour saying if I haven't got time for her then I should just let her know.

What happened prior to this message for her to say that? Had she asked for help and you said you were too busy? Had you just not texted for a while? If that was the case, why couldn't SHE have texted you to say hi?

I had invited her round for a cuppa before Xmas, but then the kids were ill so rearranged, she cancelled, didn't rearrange then just turned up on the doorstep when we were about to leave the house to see a show.

So it was all a bit rushed.

Sent an email to say happy new year but then no contact for a couple of weeks as life decided to hand out some lemons, some quite bitter ones too, so my previous (not old) neighbour just wasn't a priority.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/01/2025 12:38

Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:00

I haven't responded to this morning's message but now I feel a bit guilty but also annoyed.

She's not psychic

You could have told her you were busy at the moment but would be in touch soon