Old neighbour becoming hard work

[Tagyoureit]

My old neighbour is a single woman who whilst I was at my old house, I would chat to, check on, help where I could, buy flowers for to cheer her up. Generally just be nice and friendly.

Family and I moved about a 15 minute drive away so we keep in contact via email, and I've always told her if she ever needs help, just give me shout and if I can, I will.

I've taken her to hospital when she had a fall, taken her to appointments, still take flowers round every now and then and email.

So the past couple of weeks for me and my family have been crap, lots of things going on, none of it good, so I'm busy with that.

I received a message from my old neighbour saying if I haven't got time for her then I should just let her know.

Now this has really upset me because I'm not being mean, I've just got lots on and a grown woman is not my priority.

I replied stating that I find that hurtful and don't know what to say but I have been busy with what's happening in my life.

I almost feel like she's now being quite dramatic and attention seeking as she sent a reply to say she didn't mean to upset me yesterday and now this morning has sent another message to say that she isn't going to contact me for a while as she can't do anything right.

It's all so drama llama which I find off putting in any person.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be mean but I can do without the dramatics.

I'm not even sure how to end this post!

I'd be tempted to text back,

'Thanks, I knew you'd understand, I just need some space right no to deal with personal stuff. X'

😉

@mizz you're right! 🙈

'Now' that should say.

Her lack of friends is the issue, I think, not her age (younger than me by quite a bit) and she obviously latched on to you. Time to unlatch. I would just not reply to her last message.

BTW - 'had a fall' is usually applied to the elderly, which certainly added to my confusion about your neighbour. I was very surprised that someone who 'had a fall' went jogging.

No. She fell (over).

I wouldn't bother replying either. She should have apologied, and not been even more manipulative and wanting to take more.

I'd like to be your friend OP.

You've been helpful and supportive to her, a taxi driver, delivery driver and much much more. It sounds like this has been a 1 way street and she has done sod all for you!

Her perceptions are completely different to yours. Eg time, if you are older/don't have a lot going on (whether housebound or not), two weeks will seem endless: whereas for you it's gone in a flash. And you can be mobile but also very lonely and don't know where to go to meet people, so you will hold on tightly to those odd people you've found: you yourself have a family and probably other people around (it's like how different the pandemic was for those in families and those living alone who couldn't then go to work etc and thus were terrifyingly alone). And her anxiety will mean she fixates on things like she hasn't heard from you.

If you want to step away, do. However I am absolutely certain she appreciates your help (don't underestimate how amazing it is for someone who lives alone to have someone to call in an emergency!) and company and would hate to lose it for the sake of a text conversation that has gone awry.

Can you put something in the diary? Doesn't have to be soon, just a set date for her (and you, hopefully) to look forward to/to show you still want to see her. And even with a 'I have other things to do/I'm further away but would still like to see you regularly, even if less frequently' type line.

A lunch club type thing might be good for her too.

60?? You sound absolutely lovely and very kind, but why does a 60 year old need this much support? I too had imagined she must be in her 80’s at least.

I fear an unhealthy dependency has been built here. And the guilt tripping is shameless. I’d use this opportunity to detach if I were you.

I hope things get better for you and your family.

I think regardless of her being an ex-neighbour, this is a friendship where she has become overly dependent on you and the dynamic isn’t working. TBH it seems odd that she was relying on you for so much help, particularly things like taking her to appointments. Why did she need to be taken?

Treat her the same as you would any other relationship. The neighbour/age thing (particularly as she is only 60!) is a complete red herring.

They say 'no good deed goes unpunished'. If you do something once, some people expect it and want more, leading to that person becoming a burden. Just look at it as one of life's lessons and be wary of doing favours in the future. You do sound lovely and I could do with someone to give my house a good clean.

So she could have popped round to see you, couldn't she? Crikey. Ignore her.

Why wd a 60 yr old need checking on?

I wasnt supporting her every week, I've taken her to 3/4 appointments over the past 18 months or so. And certainly no cleaning for her.

When I got flowers from aldi, only the cheap ones, I'd pick up some for her too.

We'd email on a regular basis.

She has lots of health problems, is lonely, lost her job, and to be fair, if you met her, you'd understand why I was probably a bit more sympathetic than I should have been.

I just felt I was being nice but now I feel annoyed that she's made me feel like crap because I hadn't emailed for a couple of weeks.

You have done more than enough for her especially as she is no longer your neighbour.

I would just let her be and not contact her again.

Maybe next time, don't get personally over involved like this.

I like this!

This is a classic radiator / drainer situation. You do all the radiating (giving out) and she does all the draining (sucking out). I learned quite early on that drainers are best avoided. Maybe just let this relationship naturally fade away?

I’d just leave it … you’ve moved on now. She was a neighbour, now she’s not, so you don’t really have any real relationship with her now, unless you want to … but sounds like more hassle that’s it’s worth tbh.

You have been a good neighbour, but sadly she seems to have got attachment issues. She knows you have a family/busy life.. You have offered to help 'where you can.' She should not expect more than that. You are not her family... NB My elderly aunt (70 - 88 - age of meeting family next door to them moving on,) became reliant on the 'young couple next door' and did free dog minding, child sitting etc.. But then they upsized and 'although the offer was there' of help when they could.. They really had their own stuff to deal with. I tried to explain all of this to my aunt, but she still felt slighted.. (My father and I lived 300 miles away, although they spoke on the phone every day for the last 20 years when both their respective partners/spouses passed away.) Don't feel guilty, keep the boundaries. (She risks losing you even as a back up/emergency if she continues with the dramas. Although I would say if you like her, give her a bit of time to adjust. But you will find out if it is a 2 way street as time passes.) Good luck.

I think Id be phasing her out to Christmas card tier.

Hey OP! Please DO NOT feel guilty. Just because this lady is old does not mean you should feel awful. You have gone above and beyond because you're kind. I would just reply saying I will be in touch soon, just got a lot of personal stuff to sort out at the moment. Add a smiley face and move on. She probably is lonely and has too much time on her hand.

I went above and beyond for my elderly neighbour when her husband died. I made her meals, had her over for dinner, looked after her animals when she went away etc etc! The straw that broke the camels back for me was after I drove 9 hour round trip to pick up a puppy for her. She paid for some of the petrol money but then once she got this dog didn't make any effort. I moved out a couple of months later and she didn't even say goodbye! I realised she needed me for the moment but then didn't! Be kind but don't be a doormat.

Her message shows you why she doesn't have any other friends, this is unlikely to be the first time that she's behaved in this way and it puts people off.

I agree with PP's, don't respond right now. If you decide to get in touch at some point, fine, but now you're seeing what type of "friend" she is, you may decide not to.

this morning has sent another message to say that she isn't going to contact me for a while as she can't do anything right.

I’m usually sympathetic to lonely old people, but now she has said that I would leave her to it.

Friendships are a two way street, even with the elderly. There are things they can’t do for themselves and if they are fortunate enough to have a younger friend who will help them from time to time they should thank their stars and be mindful of that person’s own life. But I have noticed that sometimes when they can reciprocate in some way (baking extra biscuits or a cake for their friend, sitting with a child and helping them read while the mum cracks on with some housework for example) it doesn’t occur to them to offer. Being older doesn’t mean you should take, take, take without showing any kindness in return

Oh no! I’ve just seen your post about her age and jogging. You’re a star and she is a CF.

Once someone starts doing this sort of high drama, you’ve abandoned me, since you obviously don’t care about me I’m going to leave you alone pass agg bullshit, you need to get shot ASAP. It’s a noose of guilt and obligation that will only ever tighten, once they realise you’re susceptible to the guilt-tripping.

You’ll be invited to feel like you are the only person left in her life and have cruelly abandoned her and now she has nothing and nobody.

I guarantee you she has been saying similar things to everyone else she knows, probably for much of her life. If she’s alone in life it’s because she chases anyone away who shows her kindness, by demanding more and more from them and insisting nothing they ever do is good enough. Until they can’t take it anymore and she has the vindication of feeling abandoned yet again.

My life is so much better since I stopped letting people like this devour my time and energy.O

I think it is possible she is trying to communicate nicely but getting the tone wrong - text is notorious for this. If she has always been ok and this is out of the blue, I would write it off as feeling a bit sorry for herself one day (not uncommon when you are older - it is really scary to be on your own and feel no one cares) and then not being able to convey the right tone. If she has always been dramatic, that is one thing. but if it is different for her, I would give the benefit of the doubt and remind myself that if we feel guilty we may be over reacting.