Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Old neighbour becoming hard work

93 replies

Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 11:53

My old neighbour is a single woman who whilst I was at my old house, I would chat to, check on, help where I could, buy flowers for to cheer her up. Generally just be nice and friendly.

Family and I moved about a 15 minute drive away so we keep in contact via email, and I've always told her if she ever needs help, just give me shout and if I can, I will.

I've taken her to hospital when she had a fall, taken her to appointments, still take flowers round every now and then and email.

So the past couple of weeks for me and my family have been crap, lots of things going on, none of it good, so I'm busy with that.

I received a message from my old neighbour saying if I haven't got time for her then I should just let her know.

Now this has really upset me because I'm not being mean, I've just got lots on and a grown woman is not my priority.

I replied stating that I find that hurtful and don't know what to say but I have been busy with what's happening in my life.

I almost feel like she's now being quite dramatic and attention seeking as she sent a reply to say she didn't mean to upset me yesterday and now this morning has sent another message to say that she isn't going to contact me for a while as she can't do anything right.

It's all so drama llama which I find off putting in any person.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be mean but I can do without the dramatics.

I'm not even sure how to end this post!

OP posts:
JC03745 · 23/01/2025 12:38

Is/was she aware you've had a difficult time? She sounds selfish TBH and a one way street in terms of accepting help/support from you, yet giving absolutely nothing back!

I understand your use of 'old neighbour' now 😆

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/01/2025 12:44

Leave her to stew. When you feel like seeing her, do. If you get a shitty reception then I'd let it all drop. If you don't then take advantage of a reset and manage expectations. She is 60 something. She needs to get out and see other people of her own age.

ItGhoul · 23/01/2025 12:47

Why does a woman who isn't elderly or frail need your help, support, flowers etc? Why can't she get to her own appointments like everyone else? You were her friend/neighbour, not her carer.

Personally I'd just ignore her from now on. You've moved away, you're not really friends any more and you don't owe her anything.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:53

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2025 12:38

She's not psychic

You could have told her you were busy at the moment but would be in touch soon

Show quote history

I'm not expecting her to be psychic but I don't expect shitty toned messages because I haven't contacted someone for a couple of weeks either.

She didn't know what was happening so she could have messaged me hey hope you're OK, not if you don't have time for me blah blah blah.

OP posts:
Augustus40 · 23/01/2025 12:54

I am her age and can take care of myself. Buy my own flowers if I wish to.

Why should she need sympathy?

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 12:55

ItGhoul · 23/01/2025 12:47

Why does a woman who isn't elderly or frail need your help, support, flowers etc? Why can't she get to her own appointments like everyone else? You were her friend/neighbour, not her carer.

Personally I'd just ignore her from now on. You've moved away, you're not really friends any more and you don't owe her anything.

I thought I was being nice.

Hospital appointment was far away, I was free to help so I did, I like flowers so when I got some for me, I got some for her, the £3 bunch from aldi, not massive interflora bouquets.

OP posts:
CatsWhiskerz · 23/01/2025 12:56

Sounds like you've got a 90:10 relationship - you put in all the hard work and she does sod all except expect you to do all the running around and contacting.
Maybe respond by asking her if she can pick up some shopping for you or take you to the XYZ as your car isn't working - bet she'll say no 🤔

sjs42 · 23/01/2025 12:59

She’s a user. I just wouldn’t reply. Ever.

NewYearNewName2025 · 23/01/2025 13:08

You say she's always dramatic, so now she's making the drama of you not being in touch much (as you've been busy) all about her. If she's 60s she's not old, just needy. Is she still working? Does she have friends who pop round?
I think she probably expected your friendship to continue even though you've moved away, but maybe your relationship was more about proximity as a friendly neighbour. Maybe arrange to meet for a cuppa and f2f chat and see what you both want moving forward. If youre busy dealing with other priorities then let her know rather than ghost her.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 13:12

@new She has no other friends at all, in the 15 years i lived in the previous house, she never had a visitor, barely speaks to her brother that lives on the other side of the country. She lost her wfh job just after covid.

And I meant old as in previous, not old as in she is elderly. I can see how that was misunderstood.

OP posts:
falkandknife · 23/01/2025 13:13

She has no right to get arsey with you. You don’t owe her anything. You were good enough to help/be there for her when you could, but it sounds to me that she’s now expecting it as if she should be some kind of priority.

She would have marked her card for me and that would be it. No more. She’s emotionally manipulating you and I’m almost certain she knows that. She’s using the fact you’re a nice person and you are because here you are on here asking for opinions because she’s made you feel bad. Don’t feel bad

AltitudeCheck · 23/01/2025 13:15

Ah.... I had assumed a lonely old dear too!! Hold that Easter card!! 😆

It sounds like you think of her as your 'old neighbour' but she thinks of you as her friend (possibly a good or even 'best' friend if she doesn't have much else in her life), so to her a friend has cut contact and she feels hurt by that and is trying to understand why.

I don't know how you go about explaining that you don't see your relationship in quote the same light as her though... perhaps you hope her new 'neighbours' are nice and that you are getting to know your neighbours/ isn't it nice we were such good neighbours etc....

heyhopotato · 23/01/2025 13:26

I had a neighbour exactly like this, you would think she was 80 and had no one, yet she was a teacher at the local college, lived with her husband, went to church, drove everywhere perfectly fine. Just always had to be knocking on the door or messaging about something.

I'd ignore her from now personally.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 13:32

Thank you everyone for your input!

I was really beginning to think I was out of order and it really hurt me as I've only ever been nice.

I don't think I blurred the friendship lines too much as I got married 5 years ago and didn't invite her, she was neighbour, not my best friend or family. But since covid hit and life got a lot lonelier for some, I just wanted to make sure she was doing ok and if I could help her, I did.

But now, I'm really thinking her messages are coming quite manipulative and that's what is annoying me now as I've got mine own shit to deal with. "Friends" shouldn't cause you stress!

This morning's message from her with the "I'm not going to contact you, I just can't get anything right" reeks of attention seeking to me and I just don't want to play in to it but then I think I'm being a massive bitch and what if she does something stupid?

But a friend shouldn't make you feel this way!!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/01/2025 13:35

You should have done as she requested, told her you didn't have time for her right now because of pressing family concerns. I don't think she was the one being dramatic initially, she just needs to know where she stands.

LadyDanburysHat · 23/01/2025 13:37

I think you should take her message at face value and let her not contact you. It is manipulative to say she can't do anything right. Give yourself some distance

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 13:40

RedHelenB · 23/01/2025 13:35

You should have done as she requested, told her you didn't have time for her right now because of pressing family concerns. I don't think she was the one being dramatic initially, she just needs to know where she stands.

I did, I responded to say what was going on with me but that I'm also upset with her message.

Then she sent this morning's message and I feel that its manipulative

OP posts:
TitusMoan · 23/01/2025 13:41

There’s a reason she’s got no other friends.

Agapornis · 23/01/2025 13:43

Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 13:12

@new She has no other friends at all, in the 15 years i lived in the previous house, she never had a visitor, barely speaks to her brother that lives on the other side of the country. She lost her wfh job just after covid.

And I meant old as in previous, not old as in she is elderly. I can see how that was misunderstood.

Now you know why she doesn't have any friends!

ginasevern · 23/01/2025 13:45

I'd drop this friendship OP. Leave things now as they are and walk away. I think you could be headed for trouble with this one, especially as she ages and maybe her health (both mental and physical) deteriorates. I'm 67 and very active but things can go south quite rapidly when you're older. You could find yourself as a semi carer if you're not careful.

Original poster
Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 13:45

I'm not going to respond to her.

I don't have the capacity right now to deal with her and these sorts of antics.

And here's me, all worried about her and I just feel deflated by it all especially on top of everything else.

Thank you so much everyone!

OP posts:
ChestnutGrove · 23/01/2025 13:46

Tagyoureit · 23/01/2025 13:32

Thank you everyone for your input!

I was really beginning to think I was out of order and it really hurt me as I've only ever been nice.

I don't think I blurred the friendship lines too much as I got married 5 years ago and didn't invite her, she was neighbour, not my best friend or family. But since covid hit and life got a lot lonelier for some, I just wanted to make sure she was doing ok and if I could help her, I did.

But now, I'm really thinking her messages are coming quite manipulative and that's what is annoying me now as I've got mine own shit to deal with. "Friends" shouldn't cause you stress!

This morning's message from her with the "I'm not going to contact you, I just can't get anything right" reeks of attention seeking to me and I just don't want to play in to it but then I think I'm being a massive bitch and what if she does something stupid?

But a friend shouldn't make you feel this way!!

It sounds like you have been very kind and gone above and beyond, but instead of being grateful she's behaving as if you owe her. You don't.
This morning's message from her with the "I'm not going to contact you, I just can't get anything right"
Might be best to just reply "OK." Rather than rising to the bait.

Jellyslothbridge · 23/01/2025 13:47

Her response to your reply should have been to apologise and check in you were OK not be passive aggressive.
I think not replying is best approach or a can confirm at full capacity with other things going on at the moment.

friendlycat · 23/01/2025 13:54

I too think there’s a reason she has no friends. Of course you don’t need this drama. You’ve now moved so easy to back away or touch base again when you feel up to it.

You’ve been kind and also stated you have things going on. She’s not bothered about you and yours, just herself. Don’t respond further.

Mizztikle · 23/01/2025 13:54

The fact that you've known her for so long and you've never known her to have any friends despite being able bodied and capable of travel should have told you all you need to know, she's the problem!