Old neighbour becoming hard work

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My old neighbour is a single woman who whilst I was at my old house, I would chat to, check on, help where I could, buy flowers for to cheer her up. Generally just be nice and friendly.

Family and I moved about a 15 minute drive away so we keep in contact via email, and I've always told her if she ever needs help, just give me shout and if I can, I will.

I've taken her to hospital when she had a fall, taken her to appointments, still take flowers round every now and then and email.

So the past couple of weeks for me and my family have been crap, lots of things going on, none of it good, so I'm busy with that.

I received a message from my old neighbour saying if I haven't got time for her then I should just let her know.

Now this has really upset me because I'm not being mean, I've just got lots on and a grown woman is not my priority.

I replied stating that I find that hurtful and don't know what to say but I have been busy with what's happening in my life.

I almost feel like she's now being quite dramatic and attention seeking as she sent a reply to say she didn't mean to upset me yesterday and now this morning has sent another message to say that she isn't going to contact me for a while as she can't do anything right.

It's all so drama llama which I find off putting in any person.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be mean but I can do without the dramatics.

I'm not even sure how to end this post!

Thank you for the replies today.

A family member passed away at the weekend so quite frankly, I can do without the extra grief from her.

I don't wish her ill, but I can do without the drama llama antics!

I do understand where you're coming from but to it really has rubbed me up the wrong way.

She knows how busy I am, even said so in the email she sent, then finished it off with the if you're too busy for me... which made me feel like crap. There was no need for it. A simple hope you're OK and let's catch up soon would have sufficed.

Yes, you should leave it there.

I know someone like this. She is Hard Work.

Exactly.

But she prefers to play silly games.

You're dealing with a self-absorbed person who will never give you anything like the level of care (or even civility) you give to her.

You’ve enough on your plate OP. You’ve done her a good turn but sounds like it’s the perfect time to leave it there.

I think living alone is a terrible choice for some people I think, drives them a bit mad. My MIL used to spend all her time dwelling on things and then making things up. Ends up driving people away rather than gaining relationships they need.

We actually had a relationship with an older neighbour in which we did lots of things for her and she expected us to be on call. We did all the hospital visits and helping her when she was unwell etc. she wouldn’t really do anything in return though without massive complaints. Eventually the whole thing imploded, mostly as she couldn’t control us, and she doesn’t speak to us now. Overall we are pleased, it’s not good for her though.

Another vote for leave it there. You have your own stuff to deal with right now, leave it and see how you feel later in the year when dust has settled.

I would say what you say here " I don't want to be mean but I can do without the dramatics." and repeat that you have had your own stuff to deal with and leave it at that.

I suspect that the behavior that you're experiencing now might be the reason she doesn't have closer friends and family and is relying on a former neighbour.

Is she all take and no give?

There's not 1 thing that I would think to ask her for help on, she's not a go-to person.

She's alright to have a chat to every now and again but beyond that, pretty useless.

Yes, the more I read and realized the back story, the more it does seem manipulative and not just clumsy. I have said to people before - I wont keep asking you then, just wait until you have time and you can let me know when you are ready to xyz. But that feels really different from what you are saying. It is sad for her, but that does not mean you have to put up with jabs.

I had someone similar to this. Didn't have anyone else (single mum) so I'd help a bit and check in. Didn't realise just how one sided it was though as it was all take and no give. My last straw was Christmas eve, texted her to say hope you have a lovely Christmas but all I got back was a list of reasons why she wouldn't and how hard everything was and how it would just have her and her child... no happy Xmas! Mine was quiet as just me, my partner and child so not like a big family affair. I made a generic response and haven't bothered since. If I reach out to be nice don't bring my Christmas down, appreciate that someone took the time to think of you.

Sounds like you should do the same! Have a good think about how one sided the relationship is and if you really need the drama. Sorry to hear about your bereavement xx

Don't answer her message at all. She's playing victim to try to keep you at her beck and call. Just let go of the 'friendship' and be done with her her.

I am getting something similar at present with elderly MIL, I think it is emotionally manipulative, and ignoring. Have done lots and lots to support in recent years and no thanks or anything just jibes.

I would give her a wide berth for a while. Don't reward bad behaviour, as you haven't got time for this drama.
There's an old saying from a poem....
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

Maybe she was just a pal for a season?

She sounds like my SiL, although she's nearing 50 rather than 60s, she acts like an old lady and is very very difficult to support. Her issues always trump ours (had the nerve to msg my husband moaning about payroll messing up her pay 2 days after he got made redundant). I wonder if she is autistic, she really struggles to think about what others have going on and sees it all from the impact on her, which means she struggles with having any friends and socialising with others when it's not on her terms and gets overwhelmed by life easily (sounds similar here) - its very tricky to support her unfortunately.

Having said all that, it's nice you're being kind, just because she isn't 85 doesn't mean she isn't sad and lonely and the sniffy email actually means "I've missed you" which is what she should have actually said to you, she just isnt good at communicating. I suggest just a quick email saying "we've been very busy and have a lot going on unfortunately, but when things are better here then I'll be in touch" and give yourself some time off from her. I think so long as your kindly but direct and have a little break, if you're happy to keep helping her out a bit then you're obviously having a really big impact on a lonely woman's life which should be commended. I wish my SiL had someone similar tbh and it's lovely you've been making her feel less alone all this time (equally, you don't have to, so if you feel it's too much you could phase her out).

Sod her. Move on.Ungrateful cow.

Sounds like you thought you were being nice to quirky loner neighbour but she thought you were BFFs.

I think let it go and be glad you don’t live next door any more.