Insane wealth

[mumsthewordi]

My dd is at a prep school, the fees and working to afford her school is a lot of pressure for my partner and I, we work all the hours (in average paid jobs, he's a teacher and I'm In a middle management corporate role), and we save everything for her education...she loves her school. I have clicked with her friend's mums, in medical field roles but didn't think much of that...honestly took them at face value, aware one drives a flashy car and is always on holiday.

today was a play date at that mums house - and we pulled up the friends house, at least 4 million , gated , staffed ! Insane wealth...I feel so silly for thinking they were similar to us , I don't think they're better, but was pretty blown away and quite frankly intimidated by the size of house, with all the mod cons.

My daughter was unfazed, she just liked the space to run around.

I suppose I'm like is this the beginning? She's only in reception , but we can't keep with the lifestyle it seems most of her friends have.

I hope she doesn't ever feel insignificant or less than her very obviously richer mates.

This is the risk you take when you put your child in the private school system. Your daughter is going to grow up thinking she’s poor, when she’s very far from it.

No matter where you are, there will always be people with more money. There is absolutely no point in trying to keep up with another person's life. Just live your own.

I went to a private school on a scholarship and free school meals- we were very poor. There was a big range of incomes there, most better than ours, but I found little judgement or feeling worse. My brother at a state school got a harder time about our family's shit car than I did. I don't think kids care, and being exposed to a range of lifestyles is a good thing.

I think if you are finding the fees a lot of pressure after just the first term, the lives of her classmates might be the least of your worries. Is it sustainable for you?

Yes
It's worth every penny
She is getting everything I could only have dreamt about in terms of opportunities:)
I'll do it for long as I can

I think you need to at least try to keep up with these folk surely? So as not to embarrass your dd. Maybe put mud on your number plates if your car is old so not so obvious.

Get a nice big fake diamond ring. Avoid smiling if your teeth are not perfect. Con some vulnerable people out of a few pounds. Get divorced and remarry someone richer. Lots of solutions if you look for them.

Don’t over think it Dd is in state but socialises
with the super rich. Dont even try to compete. Sounds trite but its character and fun that matters Dd is valued and treated so well by her best friends family. They genuinely don’t seem to care that we are not in their league financially they seem very fond of Dd. Can get awkward at birthdays though their presents to her have been better then ours. And when they pay for things that we would not like endless taxis when we say get the bus. But generally it’s fine.

Yes, this is what it is like in the lower years. You will find that when you get to secondary there will be more 'regular' people scrimping and saving as they sacrifice lifestyle for what they perceive to be the important end of education (GCSE and A level).

You will find it exhausting. Every house you go to will be bigger and better. Enjoy the ride or get off and save your money for secondary, if you are still determined to pay.

(At reception level, the real dyed-in-the-wool poshos often don't send their kids private, they are happy with the village primary - at the very least til 7 or 8. You could follow their lead).

I probably hurt my parents a lot growing up by being in this situation and asking why we weren't going skiing like Kate or why I didn't have a playroom like Kate or when I could get my own horses like Kate and why was our house so small and why didn't we have fancy cars etc.

We are in a similar position although our LO is older and started off in state school.
We are definitely amongst the less well off at LOs prep school but it has not been a problem for our LO.
My LO is old enough to understand and appreciate the financial sacrifices we make to send them to their school. And they know that we are privileged compared to most people in the world and that many of their classmates are even more privileged!
I have to fight a sense of embarrassment at times but it is worth it.

Please don’t think this is me being arsey or anything but genuinely what does private school give a child in reception that is ‘what you could only have dreamed of?’ This is a genuine question, a couple of friends have kids at prep schools and they are still paying for swimming, football, dancing, martial arts classes at the weekends like the rest of us and their kids achieve the same at these hobbies as the non privately educated ones. I get when they’re older and getting like national sporting opportunities or getting to use amazing facilities for sport or drama or whatever but genuinely what do you feel makes it worth it for a 4/5yo. You seem to have done well for yourself to be working a job that means you can afford this but seem to feel that your education was most definitely lacking compared to private schooling, so there must be something that makes it ‘worth it’?

@mumsthewordi and the next play date will probably be be in a very modest house.
It will be all sorts.

2 friends went to private school with a discount. one was completely unfazed by it but the other is money obsessed & is quite insecure. He has a lot now but doesn't see it which is shame.

A lot of people in PE have family wealth which is very hard to catch up with salary wise.

@TheaBrandt that's sweet and I get your point.
Most dc definitely don't make friends by asking how many bedrooms you have!.
However we must not fall into the trap that wealthier people are better or somehow special.

It's good that your dd likes their dd and adds balance to them??

I think you're far more worried than your dd will be. Even in state schools there'll be kids with more. If you can keep up with the fees I'd continue unless she becomes unhappy.

My house is worth just over 1 million ( would be @ 4 million if l wasn't in the North) .
I have just over 5.5 in savings/ investments.
My children were HE. My Grandchildren were / are HE.
Except my eldest GS is now at Uni.. living at home.
He has friends who are dirt poor.. friends who are wealthy.. today he brought 4 of them to use my pool.
They ordered Pizza.. they had some bottles of beer.
They had fun.. l wouldn't know who was poor.. who was wealthy.. they get on.. they are equal.
They are all 19 years old.. only my GS was home educated.. 2 went to private school other two state school.
They are best of friends.
They know my GS will be a millionaire one day.
It does not matter.

My oldest 2 go to private school, one best friend was daughter of someone with 100m trust fund or something bonkers.
honestly, it kept their feet in the ground as they realised that are reality decent house was small in comparison;they had the biggest house/garden when they were at state school).

my children are very polite and grounded and that’s all that people seemed to care about it.

I went through different emotions reading this, is she joking, no she's serious, no she's joking 😂

@876543A didn't ask if it was worth it she asked if it was sustainable given you're already finding things tight so early on with so much pressure on both of you working all hours.

Yes private schools have their advantages but your child can also thrive and do well in state schools and you should not be mortgaging your financial figure just to get your child through private school.

Unfortunately the costs will only continue to increase and increase so be prepared. And many people will tell it's probably better to wait until secondary school rather than spend all that money earlier on and then you have to withdraw her because you can't continue.

My cousin was in private school. Her parents are comfortable but not wealthy. They save for her education, similar like yours. In primary school she was happy. But when start secondary, she became teenager and start to feel different. She realise that she isn’t as rich as her friend. She end up with depression and now got bipolar disorder. She is the apple of my auntie eyes, and now she cant even continue to study. Got anxiety? Depression and bipolar.

in my opinion, teenager wants to blend in. Its really hard to be different. If you are not wealthy enough, just dont go to private school. If you thibk the education better in private, just go to state school and hire a tutor after school.

Been there done that- my girls first sleepover was in a multi million pound house with multi millionaires many times over. The secret is to not even try to compete or keep up. If they like you they like you- If they judge you for not having as much they aren’t worth being friends with!
plus is early years anyway the kids are oblivious.

As long as you don't ever make it an issue it won't be.

My DD is a a prep school where there is extreme wealth which makes a 4mil house look like nothing at all. She's never been bothered about the size of her friends houses or the cars they drive. The children that are bothered about those things are that way because of how their parents are.

We see more fancy cars outside of the local state schools than we do at the private school and I do think the 'keeping up with the Jones' mentality is more rife amongst the state school parents. It certainly was when I was at state school.

We talk frequently to our DD about how lucky we are to have the things we have. She knows she has more than the majority of other people. We socialise with lots of people outside of school so she sees a variety of people from different backgrounds as at the school my DD goes to there is zero diversity.

It is up to you to make sure your DD knows that a person's worth isn't anything to do with the size of house they live in, car they drive or the things they have. There will always be someone with more and always someone with less.

Understand totally - my kids been at private school for 8 years until recently. Youngest had his post GCSE/16th prom this summer. I’m fully aware we’re quite well off so never really thought about holding our own (grew up in a council flat, so fully appreciate how lucky we are as a family now). However, the post school Prom after party was hosted by a parent. DS texted address [think ‘xxx estate’ plus post code]. I replied with - which house number? No reply so headed off and hoped I’d work it out when I got there… there’d be drunk kids and music. How hard would it be?

I pitched up at 2am, made my way via two layers of gate and estate security - all men in black - before arriving in a half acre driveway in front of a £20m house. I shit you not. Outside my experience entirely. The security team were lovely. The teenagers were, by this stage, staggering about rather pathetically in response to [supposedly] very diluted cocktails mixed by Tom Cruise-esque mixologists and accompanied by some eminently famous Dj who was doing his thing. Turns out DS’s mate’s dad is a tech billionaire. Never felt so poor in my life… 🤣 I was just relieved I had some makeup on [left over from the night before] and wasn’t wearing my usual dog walking clothes from Tu at Sainsbury’s even though it was Friday night - Netflix n Chill - for DH and I!!

how the other half - and my kids - live, eh?

It’s just one friend, why do you think they’ll all have this level of wealth? It’s perfectly possible there will be others who are only able to afford the fees due to other sacrifices or who are wealthy but not insanely rich. I have family in fairly high medical roles with children in private school but none have staff (beyond a weekly cleaner) or a 4 million pound house! Unless you have chosen one of the most expensive and prestigious schools it seems unlikely this will be the norm across the board and if you have gone with a very expensive, prestigious school surely you knew this was likely, especially with the likely fee rises due to VAT putting those like you for whom affordability is a struggle off.