Insane wealth

[mumsthewordi]

My dd is at a prep school, the fees and working to afford her school is a lot of pressure for my partner and I, we work all the hours (in average paid jobs, he's a teacher and I'm In a middle management corporate role), and we save everything for her education...she loves her school. I have clicked with her friend's mums, in medical field roles but didn't think much of that...honestly took them at face value, aware one drives a flashy car and is always on holiday.

today was a play date at that mums house - and we pulled up the friends house, at least 4 million , gated , staffed ! Insane wealth...I feel so silly for thinking they were similar to us , I don't think they're better, but was pretty blown away and quite frankly intimidated by the size of house, with all the mod cons.

My daughter was unfazed, she just liked the space to run around.

I suppose I'm like is this the beginning? She's only in reception , but we can't keep with the lifestyle it seems most of her friends have.

I hope she doesn't ever feel insignificant or less than her very obviously richer mates.

I wouldn't say kids don't care. I'd say it's more a question of luck. Children are like adults – some are vile, some are OK and some are lovely. You were just lucky, whereas your brother was unlucky. Had you both gone to those schools a year earlier, with a different mix of kids, things might have been reversed – your brother might have been happy and you might have been bullied by horrible, spoiled brats. It's the same with everything – every time we move to a new house, or workplace, or whatever, it's pot luck. We're at the mercy of the new people in our life. They might brighten every day, be dull and forgettable, or literally torment us to breaking point.

I have met people from rich backgrounds who were lovely and seemed almost ashamed of their wealth. But I know there are others who are arrogant, entitled and foul, and who'd regard anyone from a slightly different background as worthless. It's the same with the roughest, most deprived estates in this country. You'll get the vicious, ignorant, anti-social types, but in among them you'll also find good, kind people.

My Son went to state school, has friends from all walks of life, went to Oxford, did a masters and phd, no snobbery from him as went to school with Tom,Dick and Harry from all walks of like, no elitism there.

A family I’m ‘acquaintances with’ shall we say, rather than friends with… I know people think this about them when we go to their house with the kids and are all “ooh and aah” about their house, the staff, the flashiness and say they’re envious etc… I keep my mouth shut because I know it’s all from ‘ill gotten gains’ shall we say! They come across as decent people on the surface and are nice enough at face value, but it’s all a front. I’m sure it will all catch up with them one day and who knows what will happen then, but the people I know who are jealous of their lifestyle don’t know the half of it!

Another family I know of (old family friends) are on the face of it, very wealthy… not just on the face of it, they are very wealthy. Seemingly happy family living the dream, but I happen to know that the husband is having affairs when away on business, the poor wife is in and out of psychiatric hospitals, has had to have basically electric shock therapy for mental health issues, one of their DCs self harms and has eating disorders.

So what I’m saying OP is don’t judge a book by its cover, and if you’re happy and comfortable with your own life, then embrace it and don’t compare yourself to others. I bet you in another life would love to be where you are now, it sounds like you are very lucky to have the life you have.

I'd think seriously about saving your money and not having her in private until she's secondary school age, especially with your saying you'll keep going as long as you can.

You’re hardly going to get exposed to a range of lifestyles at private school 😄.

I was also a scholarship kid and absolutely found I was looked down on - but you’re not poor OP, just not as rich as the rest, someone’s got to be the “least rich one” 🤷‍♀️

Not much tbh
I have thought that it was a complete waste of money sending primary aged children to private school unless you can comfortably afford it

Yes, but Kate now has a shit life being followed by the paparazzi everywhere and can't go out for cocktails with the girls. It might be OK as she's got three lovely kids, but she can't dress them in normal kids' clothes and can't let their hair down at PGL or Center Parcs. Perhaps eventually being Queen will mean it was all worthwhile, but I bet Kate would kill to have your life at times. 😛

I went to a very poor school in SE London and still everyone was judged by what designer wear people had. Kids were still bullied if they didn’t have the right shoes or bags.

I wonder how it is that so many writing here say their children never notice the symbols of wealth enjoyed by other households, but the writers do? At what point do children comprehend these differences, particularly in an age when there is such conspicuous consumption coupled with the world of social media?. In my experience children notice these things….not least because it would be strange not to and also because they often will be acutely aware of their parent’s attitudes to wealth and possessions. If you are one of the ‘have nots’ it can be quite a strain to live side by side at school with one of the ‘haves’.

They say that rich kids realise at about 10 that they're rich. Poor kids know before they're a year old.

Actual lol 😁

DD1 went to a school where the families were, as one of my colleagues who went to the same school put it, “next level wealthy.” She went to an 18th birthday where a well known boy band had been hired to perform. Indoor and outdoor pools, houses in other countries etc etc. We had a nice but not huge, mansion flat in Central London and had a house full every weekend when they went to concerts, clubbing, cinema etc. The girls genuinely loved staying in our house and said how nice it was to have a home full of books and art and cats, as none of them were allowed books or clutter.

They all find their tribe in the end.

This◻️⬆️

What exactly can a private school offer a 4yo that you could only dream of at age 4?

Given your stretching and under pressure to meet the fees now, what’s going to happen when they go up, when you have to pay for expensive school trips, extra equipment. What if one of you looses your job, you have another child.

You sound like your setting your dd to fall if her private education is suddenly pulled from under her.

if your DH is a teacher, surely help at home in a state setting and spend the next 7 years saving towards a private high school or uni education would be a smarter choice.

i have friends who have sent all their children to private schools, they all started in high school, non went as primary students.

Honestly this is part of the perks of private education - meeting and being exposed to people like this. As you say your daughter was unfazed - she will be so for heavens sake don't make a big fuss or through body language leakage make her selfconscious as it will spoil her fun.

There are so many benefits ranging from holidays as 'the friend' to places she'd never get to go otherwise like their Tuscan villa or the house in Cornwall - to experiences she'd never have easy access to like sailing during Cowes week or horse riding or clay pigeon shooting. She will just enjoy it (I did anyway). When you are young, you aren't really focussed on who has what - you are more about having a good time with your friend. I fell into these friendsships because they were with people I loved and who loved me - but looking back I wish I'd been more knowing and cyncial - because I was so lucky with the holidays and things I got to do through friendships with people whose parents were more wealthy.

Then there will come the added benefits of the social contacts
"I need to sort out some work experience for Sarah-Jane. She's interested in banking/theatre/rocket science"
"Oh that's funny Jack my husband's best friend is the Head of Deutsche Bank/Director of the National Theatre/Runs NASA. I'll have a word with him and see if he can help out even if it's just a day visit."

My mum came from a comfortable background and got a scholarship to boarding school - she went from feeling relatively comfortable to feeling relatively poor - I don’t think she ever got over it. Comparison really was the theft of joy for her.

Of course children notice . However, some react better to the differences than others
My best friend at my primary ( state) school came from a wealthy background
I was brought up in a council flat with a single parent
Best friend’s parents owned four houses on the same road and lived in one of them
I loved going to best friend’s home and never ever felt jealous or uncomfortable. I just thought that she was extremely fortunate .
She came to play dates at my home and I didn’t feel embarrassed .
We are still friends

I live in an area that is considered highly sought after, the people I know are all wealthy, all have "staff". I do not, in fact I am "staff" for some of them! 

Not one of them sent their child private before mid primary and most waited till secondary. I don't get why you're sending her private at this age to be honest.

Mine went to private school from year 5 onwards. I clearly remember standing on the edge of the sports pitch within the first month or so and two of them, who were lovely, chatting about going to the Caribbean over half term. It was 12 years ago but I can still recall the feeling of 'god what the hell have we done'. They both lived in houses worth a good 2 million each, drove around in £100k cars, £5k spending money per month etc but as I got to know them I realised what lovely, kind, generous women they were and still are. We became such good friends, time to time I felt awkward but I came to see that they liked me for me and the wealth wasn't really an issue. We're still friends 13 years later. That said, they're both divorced, husbands complete arses and both now living in quite reduced circumstances which is really sad but shows that wealth really isn't the be all and end all.

My DC's never expressed envy at any of this though, they thought the profligate waste was quite unedifying though.

Honestly, one of the reasons I would love to be able to afford to send my kids to a private school (I can’t) is for exposure. I really think for a lot of people it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Making valuable connections can set kids up for life, although it’s more important in secondary I think.

Yes this. Invaluable exposure.

Agree with previous posters, why on earth are you scrimping and saving to send your child to a private primary school? Surely the money is best saved/invested for secondary school. Fat lot of use her private primary education will be if your only choice when it comes to it is a state secondary because you burnt through all your money for primary - you seem to be doing things back to front here.

Depends so much on the school, mine were at a fairly anonymous one and never met anyone of any use! 😆

Maybe. All the kids I know that went to private school on assisted places / scholarships have done pretty well for themselves and it’s mostly due to having access to high level people in business, potential investors etc etc

Totally totally get the ‘it’s not what you know it’s who you know’ thing but do you not worry that in the future it’s going to be a bit different.. there’s such derision for ‘nepo babies’ nowadays and top unis and apprenticeships are out actively searching for talented kids who get free school meals and attend normal high schools. I have worked with people who help to operate Target Oxford and it’s very much becoming de rigeur to be seen as avoiding the ‘well connected’ . But I guess that maybe the connections and opportunities will always be worth it in some way.