Insane wealth

[mumsthewordi]

My dd is at a prep school, the fees and working to afford her school is a lot of pressure for my partner and I, we work all the hours (in average paid jobs, he's a teacher and I'm In a middle management corporate role), and we save everything for her education...she loves her school. I have clicked with her friend's mums, in medical field roles but didn't think much of that...honestly took them at face value, aware one drives a flashy car and is always on holiday.

today was a play date at that mums house - and we pulled up the friends house, at least 4 million , gated , staffed ! Insane wealth...I feel so silly for thinking they were similar to us , I don't think they're better, but was pretty blown away and quite frankly intimidated by the size of house, with all the mod cons.

My daughter was unfazed, she just liked the space to run around.

I suppose I'm like is this the beginning? She's only in reception , but we can't keep with the lifestyle it seems most of her friends have.

I hope she doesn't ever feel insignificant or less than her very obviously richer mates.

If she's only in Reception what are these opportunities she's getting that you could only dream of? Why not take her out of private education for a few years and save as much as you can? Then look at it again when you have built a bit of a financial buffer. She won't care, while she's little, what her friends houses and lifestyles are like and not everyone at her prep school will be wealthy. It might matter more when she's a teenager if she can't afford the same hobbies.

Actually some of these comments have given me food for thought- two further comments-
My school was fiercely academic- if you could hold your own that way there was no bullying. And I think the challenge of small differences comes in sometimes- which affected my brother more than me. I'd make sure your child knows that how wealthy you are isn't a measure of values.

It's not insane wealth unless they have a private jet, mega-yacht unused somewhere, and various other £10M homes unused in various parts of the world. A £4M house and a couple of staff is low down the scale of the super-rich. I've had a couple of friends like this and it's all gone to shit after the divorce.

Honestly, don't worry about it. Having been a teacher in the independent sector in London for the past decade, I've taught children of billionaire high profile businessmen and multi-millionaire celebs alongside children of taxi drivers, cleaners etc scraping the money together for the fees, and the children of my teaching colleagues using the very generous staff discount on their fees. All private schools, no matter how elite, are going to have a mixture of kids from all different backgrounds and you are not going to be alone in being perfectly ordinary income-wise.

What I see is that for the children, how much money their friends have really doesn't matter. There are always a couple of snobby kids who won't socialise with people outside of their income bracket, but these types tend to be widely disliked. The vast majority choose their friends based on whether they like them as people or not, with no thought to who their parents are or how rich they might be. Something I love about my current school is that many of the closest friendships in each year group are between children of totally different economic and social backgrounds. One of my colleague's sons is best friends with the child of a famous rock star. Child of rock star loves going to my colleague's tiny house in a dingy North London suburb to hang out at the weekend, because he sees his teacher as being cooler than his famous dad!

If you don't make a big deal out of it, your daughter won't. In life she is going to have to mix with people from all sorts of different backgrounds, and school is going to be the place where she learns how to do that successfully. Kids are just kids at the end of the day, no matter how much money their parents have or how fancy their homes or holidays are. They still just want to have friends they enjoy spending time with, can trust and confide in, and who make them feel valued. Your daughter doesn't need a pony and a Rolls Royce to be that person for her friends.

What sort of opportunities?

Yes exactly, mines the same, not all private schools have future Prime Ministers!

All the savvy rich people know sent their kids to state for primary and only into private at either around 8/9 or when starting secondary at 11/12 (I'm in Scotland so slightly different system).

Saved themselves quite a bit of £ as they said the first few years really doesn't have much difference at all between a decent primary (and of course they live near the best state schools in naice areas) and private. Saved the cash to use in the more important later years.

Same, same

Yep DH went to one of the most expensive private schools in the UK. He grew up in a lovely house with a drive in drive out drive and they had a housekeeper and a share in his great grandparents house with a few acres. But he went to dinner at a school friends house and the Dad was CEO of a bank, it was an actual Manor House . DH was sent to a state primary as it was deemed a bit of a waste as pointed out by some other posters.

I worked with school end product in higher education, I’m glad your DD enjoys school but until you get end product you won’t know if it was worth the financial investment. We sent DS to local schools, his secondary school had dire results. He got all A grades at A level. Is now on a degree apprenticeship, earning 34k PA with a guaranteed job, extremely competitive to get the place, there was something like maybe 2 thousand applicants for a few places, they pay his tuition fees as well.

Yes, and also, often grandparents are paying for it. I know a few people who went to famous public schools, and it was mostly paid for by trusts established some generations earlier or by grandparents.

OP, I think it's great that you and your child love her school so much. And I think that, assuming she stays in that system, it's a fabulous opportunity for her to develop confidence around wealth and around others who may have materially more than her. Having self-confidence that comes from within and isn't affected by what others have is a character-building opportunity. When she's older, and if she ever mentions anything about it, you could tell her that everyone has different incomes, some people have more, some people have less, and what's important is her own path, and that she neither looks down on anyone for having less nor is jealous or intimidated of those who have more.

What's "school end product"?

Well if they're nice people it shouldn't matter if they're living in a mansion or a housing estate. Where I live we have both on the same street!

And you asked which house number! 😂😂😂😂

I'm going to be a lone supporting voice for going private at primary level. I think the early years really matter. My exH went private all his life; he went to Sussex House in Cadogan Square age 8-13, and by the age of 9 he could define the difference between the Aristotelian ideal and the Platonic ideal....or something. You wouldn't get that at state school, no matter how good! And his days of private school age 4-8 prepared him for the standards at Sussex House, which in turn prepared him for the standards at King's Canterbury....and so on.

Prep schools are like this OP. We didn't start until year 3! But yes it's like this at prep and you have to get used to it. Just be you! That's what I am. My eldest is at Seniors, we clearly have a house that's very small in comparison to her friend's but you know what it kind of is what it is

We'd have a mega big house if we weren't paying two sets of school fees, that's just what we've prioritised. I will say to you that it's very tight for us, very. I do sometimes think although it's amazing did I need to start this journey, I think for my youngest yes, my eldest I'm not sure - as she is super duper bright and I think would have got on well anywhere, also for example when by elders started (there is only three years between them) fees were £12k at the prep in 3 years they've gone up to £18k!!

Seniors is ridiculous. We use a combo of savings and income. But that is hard!!!!!!!

Also you'll get a lot of 'my kid went to the worst state school and then got 4 As and works for Goldman Sachs' however the end isn't what it's about, it's that journey and experience.

I should say there are an insane amount of issues at our local state school which is one of the best comps in the region. It's under staffed, under funded, bullying and drugs is rife - but it still churns out amazing results!! If it was just about results we'd send our kids there, but it's not.

I wouldn't put my child in the private system, especially at primary level to struggle financially. Bright children can succeed anywhere snd get a bit of real life experience under their belt, I fail to see the advantage of private primary. But if I had the money and it didn't touch the sides, yes, I'd probably do it. But feels like you're making sacrifices and probably struggling already. I'd honestly rather go on good holidays, you can always tutor your child yourself for free advantage. ... I personally would take her out and it's not about comparison of friends houses. Who cares! Do you have grammar schools in your area or maybe move to a county that does... sorry, I just can't see the value at primary level.

We are in this position by default we didn’t choose it by going private. I like that Dd also has friends from very modest backgrounds. Proud they she seems to be well liked in both sets. She sees the contrast and how unfair it is I wouldn’t like it if all her peers were in the very wealthy bracket.

I would instill right now some pride in her home, her garden, pets and explain that it isn’t size thst counts when it comes to homes but love and making friends feel welcome, and how valued and cared for it is. Show your dd how to care for the birds, wildlife, to know the names of birds and to focus on caring for her things.

Teach her the value of being a good and generous host, exemplary manners and how to make conversion and show interest in her hosts.

The importance of hard work, diligence and honesty. As she grows up she will retain these values and whatever house she goes to the measure won’t be the size of the house or pool, but the people inside of it, what are their characters like? Encourage her to consider her own opinion, does she trust them, are they kind to her etc.

Support her interests, run with her projects, encourage her to look inside and not outside for validation. Strong self esteem is key, if she asks why she doesn’t have a fleet of polo ponies, simply answer that one day she can think about buying them for herself. Or a house with x,y and z. Say to her what a nice idea for the future if that is something you would like. Rather than being embarrassed or ashamed you can’t provide it - this way you are instilling a sense that all things are possible rather than impossible.

Strong self worth, valuing all people instead of some people will set your child up to become a self sufficient, wholesome person that enjoys her life and the opportunities around her.

To be discerning when it comes to choosing friends with character, creativity and values, not just money and possessions. Wealth is just one aspect of a much bigger picture for most people.

We have found a greater mix of parents than we expected at our our DCs not particularly presigious independent school - I read that a recent report found that 2/3rds of independent school parents have help from somewhere with fees, at our school there’s a lot of welthy grandparents where the parents themselves have average lifestyles (and some very wealthy parents too).
I dont agree that it’s best just not to mention these things and hope DC dont notice the wealth disparities. Of course you don’t want it to be a focus at a young age. But I think it is important to have a robust values based approach where it is explained and understood that how much money you have doesn’t affect someone’s worth; and where all types of lifestyles can be seen and discussed with DC, and where the wealth you see is part of a larger picture where DC are also used to donating to food banks, participating in the community (even small things like litter picks) and for eg sponsoring a child in another country and thinking about what their life is like. It doesn’t do girls in particular any good when the economics of life are not discussed and understood.

But it sounds like your husband was from extreme wealth to attend such schools. The OP is scrimping and saving to send her daughter to a private primary that is seems like she can ill afford. That's a completely different scenario. If a family has vast amounts of disposable income then why not use it for private primary, but for people like the OP, as many have said using/saving the money for secondary school would make way more sense.

Also why would a 9 year old need to 'define the difference between the Aristotelian ideal and the Platonic ideal' anyway? Great that your husband could, but knowing this concept at 9 or later on at 13 or whenever most people do has probably made zero influence on the outcome of his life!

Not from extreme wealth, just that his dad was CRAZY about education, to an unhealthy degree in my view. He did make enough money to send three sons to famous public schools for their entire schooling, but when he died, there was no money left! And my husband found in his dad's papers that my husband had come very close to being asked to leave, because his dad was having difficulty paying the fees.

Re. the ideals, the point was to prepare the child well for each subsequent stage of a very high-level and competitive education with a very able crowd of peers. If you know such concepts early, you're ahead, right?

That's all well and good for your husband, the issue here is OP has admitted that they are already finding things tight with lots of stress and working all hours, that's not a good sign at all this early in the game especially because costs are only going to increase. What happens if one of the losses their job, if there is a financial emergency, if yhey burn out, if they have a second child etc?

That's the point people are making. Are they also saving and investing for their future or are they pouring every penny into this child's education?

So by suggesting secondary school people are saying this to ease the pressure, allow them save and still benefit from private education.

define the difference between the Aristotelian ideal and the Platonic ideal....or something.

All sounds fancy and nice but please tell us the practical use and benefit?

So to admit that you DHs father pretty much ruined his finances due to his obsession with sending his kids to private school he could barely afford yet you still encourage OP to do the same when she and her DH are already struggling? How does that make sense?

You admit your FIL had an unhealthy obsession yet encourage OP to do the same.
Re. the ideals, the point was to prepare the child well for each subsequent stage of a very high-level and competitive education with a very able crowd of peers. If you know such concepts early, you're ahead, right?

So tell us the outcomes for your DH and his siblings? What was the use of those early concepts that you keep mentioning like it's so important to know difference between the Aristotelian ideal and the Platonic ideal....or somethin by 9 years old.