His new gf's son has the same name as our son who died

[Downtoyou]

I cried myself to sleep last night. In April our beautiful son aged 13 died after an 8 month illness with cancer, I had left his dad about 6 weeks before he was diagnosed.

My exh was generally a good dad, but he has let me down since the separation. I found out that he had gambled our life savings away, pocketed some of the money raised for charity in our son's name and I had to go through child maintenance to get him to help me financially with DD, she lives with me.

I had a feeling he had met somebody new as he has been away a lot and over Christmas we had an argument because he made plans to go away for 2 weeks and didn't make any plans with our daughter at all over the Christmas period. He ended up coming back for 2 nights and then was away again until the 6th Jan. He hasn't been in work since our son died.

Anyway, DD17 told me last week that he has a new girlfriend and that's who he has been spending time with. All fine, however last night she was saying it's nice because the new girlfriend has 3 sons and that if it works out then it will be nice to have step siblings. I was a little hurt by this, but then she told me that one is 13 and another one has the same name as our son.

I have been so upset by this although I know I have no right to be, he can do what he wants, but it makes me feel so sad for myself because it's like he now has a whole new family with 3 teenage boys to raise and one with our son's name and that's all I have wanted since my son died. They have only been together 3 months and he has met them already and stays over with them.

How do I deal with this? I am devastated.

What a sad post, I’m so sorry to hear you lost your beautiful son. I suspect it’s completely natural to feel how you do right now.
Just take care of yourself and DD and don’t think too much about ex or his girlfriend.
Also, definitely speak to someone for a little support. X

Remember you are grieving twice over (as is your daughter) , once for your son and another for your marriage/family life as was.

Take time, seek support, look after you as you separate out all of the intertwined feelings you have.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

I've seen 'go fund me's where money has been clearly asked for to be used to keep families afloat and coping with daily living expenses in tragic circumstances like this so depending on how your sister phrased the appeal it may not be as morally reprehensible as it sounds. You said he hasn't worked since and that could be fecklessness or it could be grief. I've managed people who've been unable to return to work for long periods after a bereavement and also have an acquaintance who lost a teenage son in an accident and never felt able to work again.
You'd obviously been with your husband for a long time before splitting up so that in itself must have been traumatic. What happened afterwards was unforeseeable and the worst thing either of you as parents could ever face. It must be hard to think dispassionately given raw emotions involved. I'm so so sorry for you and would suggest if you aren't already you probably would benefit from some counselling to work through all of this.

If a fund was set up by your sister to raise money for charity, how did it end up in your ex’s account? Why did it not go straight to the chosen charity?

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

I lost my DH at 29. A few years later, I started dating someone I really liked, but he had the same Christian name as my deceased DH. It bothered me a bit, but I was also concerned what everyone else would think, like I'd swapped one for another if you understand. It sounds silly. It's just a name, but I do understand where you're coming from. Whatever the name though - he's not your son and never will be. He may stay with this new gf and have a great relationship with her sons, but don't ever think because it's the same name it's a replacement because it isn't and never could be 💐 grief takes time, it ebbs and flows, some days are worse than others, but you'll get there and it will become easier to live with.

Sincere condolences on your loss❤️

it sounds like you may possibly be suffering from grief related depression, a visit to your GP to discuss it may be a good Idea

Try to stop thinking about your X partner and focus on yourself / your DD, he sounds like a complete tosser

Maybeche has jumped into a relationship as a way of coping with grief aswell

It was a GoFundMe to help pay for my son's funeral and the leftover cash to be given to charity of our choosing. It went into his account as I am on UC and would have affected my payments as I am now a single mother. He gave me half of what was left after the funeral which I donated and then when I asked what charity he chose he told me he'd spent it on his credit card.

He is in armed forces so has been on full pay throughout.

Ah I see. Perhaps with everything youve been through you really could benefit from bereavement counselling.

No advice but all I can say is he's a major AH!! You deserve so much better. Sounds like he's trying to feel like your son is still here whereas you have to deal with the pain and grief of it all.
I send you love, hugs and some of my strength to keep going for your daughter (and yourself of course, your son would hate to see you in pain)
Keep up with raising money for the charity and don't let STBXH near it. Keep your sons memory alive 💖💖💖💖💖

This is one of the most heartbreaking posts I have seen. I am full of sympathy for you and your DD losing your 13yo DS & her brother.

I agree you and your DD need bereavement counselling. It felt to me that you are too focussed on what your Ex is or isn’t doing. As he was the father of DS, I am sure he is grieving in his own way and coping in his own way. He would probably benefit from counselling as well, although it is harder to show any sign of needing it when a man in the armed forces. Even if he is falling to pieces internally, the pressure to mask it and to have the appearance of moving on & being strong is immense when you are in the military. I’d just let him be for now.

Focussing on him is also distracting you from taking care of yourself and your DD’s well being. You have both suffered two huge losses and a complete life change. Instead of looking at him and his life, look to your own and hug your DD. The two of you have each other and your DS would want you both to live a long and happy life.

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies.

I just wanted to say this isn't about my ex and me, I left him 18 months ago after mentally checking out of our marriage long before that. He cheated throughout our marriage so I always knew I would leave him once the kids got older.

My grief up until the beginning of January has been pretty manageable. In December he said I was controlling because I didn't want to separate our sons ashes just yet and he threatened me and the funeral directors with court so he had them separated recently and I have felt uncomfortable with it since. I just wanted to allow our son to rest in peace until we were all ready.

I don't care what my ex does but I don't feel that he spends enough time with DD, we live over the road! Then to find out he's got his feet under the table with a new family including her son called Jake has tipped me over the edge this weekend and I will seek help.

I told him I couldn't see him today to discuss divorce as I was upset over the situation and he was rude and said when I get over it then we can talk. He's shown no respect to me, he couldn't even tell me himself about the sons name, I thought he might have said that's understandable, let's meet when you feel better.

I have been moving on with my life, I am moving back to my home town soon and have enrolled on a course which will allow me to start my degree. I have wanted to retrain for years but now have the freedom to do that. I have also been seeing someone who has been there through losing my son but we are taking our time because of the year I have had. He's been amazing but I need to get mine and DDs life settled and divorced before I would consider a relationship.

My DD died a few years ago.

Please see about getting some bereavement counselling, your local hospice will very likely offer free counselling, you can donate if you wish but there was zero obligation at mine, we did as could afford to. I had a years counselling with my local hospice, they were quite frankly amazing.

The sadness changes the shape of your heart but it’s still there beating but with a different rhythm that you do get used to.

I just saw you are moving so contact the service there.

All my love to you.

There are a number of issues here which are very sad but at the end of the day you left him and want to be divorced. Try to focus on getting that done.

Harsh as it may sound he isn't going to stop living with her because you are upset he has moved on already with a woman with boys one of whom happens to have the same name as your beloved son.

So get the divorce rolling and get rid.

I think I am more upset that he couldn't show me respect by telling me himself, I found out through our daughter.

Are you getting a lot out of this thread or is it making you feel worse?

If it’s making you feel worse just leave / delete

Condolences on your loss, I hope you find some peace

Is he still living with you?

I’m so so sorry your loss. The best thing you can do is move far away from this utter piece of shit and live your best life.

I am so sorry for your loss.
From the sounds of future plans, your life will eventually be a triumph and one that your kids will be proud of.
Your ex will become an irrelevant and distant memory.