How do you forgive yourself?

[PleaseCanIWeeAlone]

I've behaved appallingly and hurt people. There's nothing I can do to make it better

I've started therapy. I'm trying to pour as much love and energy into my family as I can. I've applied to be a Samaritan.

But I hate myself and I wish I could change what I've done.

How do you move towards forgiving yourself when you don't think you should be?

Depends on what you did, op, as to how you can move forward

Nothing illegal. But immoral.

Hi OP, I believe the first step is acknowledging the mistakes and bad things done to others. Does your therapist work well with your presenting issue? There’s a process of understanding what led to the decisions you made and then the impact this had of people you hurt. Two books that come to mind are ‘the forgiveness project’ and ‘tattoos on the heart’. Good luck!

You've taken the first step in feeling remorse so hopefully things can only get better from now. Hard to give advice without knowing but admitting you've done something wrong and taking steps to rectify it and learn to do things differently is positive. We all make mistakes and are guilty of being hurtful, even the kindest amongst us. There is a difference between intentionally doing sth cruel and enjoying it to a reaction out of anger/loss of control.

Whatever it was you're doing the right thing now. Xx

I totally acknowledge them

My therapist is being very nice to me which I don't feel i deserve. We only started this week.

I had an affair. But then ive behaved awfully and just totally lost my mind in it all

I’m in a similar situation. So much trauma lead me to behaving badly. Same as you - nothing illegal.

Seeking therapy is a brilliant step. And harrowing too. Especially in the first few sessions. I’ve only had one and cried hysterically for an afternoon.

I’ll hold your hand OP. X

But you did the right thing and you seeked therapy. You’ll be ok!

I did eventually but have caused so much damage.

This is all so raw but my.mind is just filled with 1000 conflicting thoughts.

Remember that you deserve forgiveness. You're a human being. And punishment solves nothing. Punishing yourself forever more won't change anything. But you can choose to accept and take the next step forward.

Also...some people do bad (whether objectively or subjectively) things and feel no remorse. The fact you feel this way shows you are a good person.

I love this

I think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect, no one has infallible judgement and no one has ever gone through their life without making mistakes, of varying levels of severity of course. I think what’s important is how you choose to move forward, how you propose to address and improve your behaviour in the future and how you plan to make amends with those you hurt, to the greatest extent as you can and they are accepting of. Best of luck op, you’re doing the right thing in undertaking therapy.

Not sure being a Samaritan is the right call.

You feel remorse and guilt so at least you have a heart. Don't punish yourself any further. There may even have been reasons for you to have done this. Tell yourself that you forgive yourself, that you love yourself. You'll be OK xxx

We all make mistakes.

It was a lesson not a life sentence.

And

You were probably a different person then and just trying to survive.

You can’t change the past. You can only try to live a good life now.

You’re a human being, having human emotions, human needs, desires and responses. You just have to acknowledge what you’ve done and try and be better.

You are doing the right things.
Don’t get sucked in to worrying about whether you are a “good person”. There are mostly not “good people” and “bad people”. There are just people, who do things, some good, some bad.
You have taken the excellent step of recognising that you did a wrong thing, and that it hurt others. And it doesn’t sound like you are trying to justify what you did as a “mistake” or someone else’s fault. These are all positive steps.
Maybe you can make it up to them somehow. Maybe that’s impossible.
Forgiveness isn’t condoning, or justifying, bad actions. It’s accepting that someone did them but trying to treat them in the same way as if they hadn’t.

Thank you everyone. I do want to live a better life. I want to make people better for being around me, not worse.

You MUST forgive yourself or it'll eat away at you for years.

Tell that poor frightened woman inside you that you love her and you forgive her and that you'll be there for her and look after her. Tell her that every day, twice a day until it sticks. And keep your promise to her, love her and forgive her and look after her until she feels better.

Well you go on and live a good life. You can't undo what you did and we have no idea what the background to it was but I always think you can only live life in one direction so face forward, chin up and live a good life.

You have to give yourself grace. You’ve made poor decisions, but you recognise that and (I hope) have stopped the harmful behaviour. Give therapy a chance to work, work hard at making better decisions, and learn from your mistakes.

You need to accept that some people might/will think poorly of you, and perhaps withdraw from you, but if so, it’s a price you’ll have to pay. Keep up therapy, keep working to improve/rebuild damaged relationships where that’s possible, and keep moving forward.

You can do this.

This made me cry.
I want to forgive myself but I don't yet think I deserve that. I'm also still plagued by so many conflicting thoughts.

I wish I could go on TV and say affairs can ruin lives. Everyone's. Including the people having them once the wake up to what they've done.

You can't change or erase any of it. You can move forward, talk about what has happened. Don't join the Samaritans right now.

Yes all harmful behaviour stopped. I'm battling with admitting that I still have feelings for the other man and work through that jn therapy.