How do you forgive yourself?

[PleaseCanIWeeAlone]

I've behaved appallingly and hurt people. There's nothing I can do to make it better

I've started therapy. I'm trying to pour as much love and energy into my family as I can. I've applied to be a Samaritan.

But I hate myself and I wish I could change what I've done.

How do you move towards forgiving yourself when you don't think you should be?

We are still together
I love him so much. I hate myself for hurting him. If I could turn the clock back I would. Id give anything.

You are not the worst things you've done. Your actions have been shit, but you aren't shit. What you are feeling is shame and it is just the worst feeling in the world, except perhaps grief. You've started therapy, that's the first step. There aren't any quick fixes, you just have to keep moving forward.

Thank you.

Sorry but I don't get it, this isnt about you OP, just such a contrast in response to different people.
if a husband on here has cheated he's a 'horrible cunt', if he feels bad, 'well boo hoo him'. 'Leave him' 'take him for everything you can' etc etc.
Even if they leave the house messy they are the devils spawn!

I find it quite crazy the really harsh responses some people make on here about other people and here OP is admitting to being 'that person' and the sympathy is staggering.

I am generally an empathetic person and not quick to judge so I don't agree with the annihilation that usually goes on here. Maybe a little less brutal response is deserved for a lot of other threads.

OP, obviously you know you did a horrible thing, for your sake I hope you can get forgiveness but if not respect your partners/ families decision to move on, good luck.

@CoralOP I agree, the vitriol against most men's actions are way over the top.
Life isnt black and white.

Thank you. I lost my mum six months ago so i am now carrying both around.

I've rtft and honestly I could have been you 6 years ago.

I had an affair.

3 rounds of therapy, antidepressants and a whole lot of healing/reading and growing helped me move on.

I confessed to my husband. He forgave me and slowly things got better.

I had a few very good friends who supported me. It was a very dark time.

I'm just here to say one day at a time.

Obviously this short post doesn't do it justice but life did move on and things are better than ever now.

Thank you. That's very hopeful to hear. Possibly if you confess of your own volition it possibly makes going forward a bit easier

OP - this could be me 30 years ago. I had an affair. I think I was having some sort of breakdown after my mum died, but I didntvrealuse it at the time. I tried to make it work with my then partner, we had couples therapy, I had personal therapy. It didn't last.
Even though we both moved on, I still feel huge regret about how much I hurt him.
I wish I could go back in time and not do it.
Sorry, that's not much help.

@Winterskyfall

She knows she has done wrong and hurt other people and caused them potentially life long trauma. She STILL has feelings for the other man. Yet she is concerned about forgiving herself. She is the one who has behaved in a cruel manner. If it was your partner would you be telling him he should forgive himself? What utter bollocks. If the people on here who are being ever so forgiving were the victim of her selfishness and cheating their responses would be different.
So tell us then what you deem is appropriate?
Self flagellation? Walking on her knees for 10km? Being put in stocks?

Come on oh perfect one. Let's hear what you would have done?

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. I am so very grateful that currently we are ok. It's just been an absolute head fuck. Again I know it was my own doing. I just think I (again totally selfishly) didn't think through the consequences, I blocked out any negative thoughts and just became utterly obsessed.

It's hard to tell if you are self flaggellating because Mumsnet hates adultery so much it will save you from too much hatred on the thread.
You haven't killed anyone.

No I'm really not. I honestly have never felt worse in my life. It's a total maelstrom of shit emotions.

People have been very kind and supportive to me tonight for which I'm hugely grateful but yes I think generally MN would rather you be a murderer than an adulterer!

Put it in a box in your head and don't open it.

Allow yourself occasional moments of self loathing, but accept that you are also human and that monogamy isn't really natural. But it is, generally, easier in the long run, which is why we subscribe to it.

You've done something shit, but in the grand scheme of things, it's it really that bad? People do all sorts of shit things in relationships.

You will get past it. And it will serve as your warning in future. X

Agree with pps that it’s not the right time to apply to be a Samaritans listener — either for you or them. Plus I doubt you’d get through the vetting process in your current mental state. I also don’t think you should be making other people who may be very fragile or suicidal into your penance, again either for you or them. I paused my own process because I needed to be in a better place to do it well. A friend who did it longterm stopped recently because the sheer volume of sex calls started getting to her.

Do you know how many people hurt other people every single day deliberately? They go out of their way to hurt people, to drag them down, bully them, intimidate them, belittle and control them, gaslight them, physically and mentally and emotionally abuse them - deliberately and they never, ever give it a second thought? Millions of people every single day. You’ve hurt someone. The fact you feel so utterly terrible about it speaks volumes. Harsh truth- feeling terrible about it isn’t going to even the score so you have to find a way to live with it. You just do. There is no ‘if I beat myself up for 20 years it’ll be even’ thing. Please remeber that there are so many people out there who hurt other people every day. Deliberately. You fucked up. We have ALL fucked up. ALL of us. Some people don’t see it, someone don’t know, some people don’t care, but we’ve all really hurt someone. X

Wow double standards are alive and well on this threads. Apparently when men cheat it's a big deal but when women cheat it's important to forgive yourself right away. And by the way, you don't need to be perfect not to cheat. It's not that difficult.

Thank you. I'm so embarrassed about how I have behaved and I've created such a mess. It was a horror blt undignified end to a horribly undignified thing

I thought I'd come back and update the thread.

I received a letter from the wife of the OM two days ago. She was rightly awful to me, called me a psychological abuser, a self obsessed monster, pure evil, I will never be happy.

She then said I preyed on her DH who was unfaithful because he was lost. He lied to me about being unhappy because he was worried the truth would trigger me. I made him lie.

I deserve to feel shit but it's difficult to read.

You sound a bit like my ex husband, and really at the root of it was immaturity. He absolutely cannot cope with any negative emotions, and struggles to be happy.

I find your comments about forgiveness a bit superficial actually. Forgiveness is a process that the wounded person goes through , or a decision they make independent of you. Forgiveness also has no link to continuing the relationship.
I truly have forgiven my ex-, but I choose not to engage with him at all, and mostly shake my head at how he lost all self-respect, when he lost his mind.
The affair/shagging around was also a displacement or running away to avoid dealing with (in his case) grief and aging.

I’m going to be honest that I think volunteering at the Samaritans is not a good idea. Suicidal people are not to be used to assuage your guilt, and it just feels performative.

The earlier comments about acceptance are very wise.
Just throw the letter in the bin, does it bring anything into your life?

I agree that you shouldn't work for the Samaritans. Not because of any moral reasons but I just don't think that you are emotionally strong enough to deal with other people's trauma. It will be too triggering for you. If someone calls because they are having suicidal thoughts because their partners has had an affair, you will be too close to their pain. It's not fair on them and it will harm your mental health further.

When we do something wrong we need to accept it, learn from it and deal with the consequences. I think you are struggling with this because your husband has chosen to forgive you. You maybe feel like you haven't sufficiently been punished. Sometimes if during our childhood we are punished often or we encouraged to feel high levels of shame it can make us more prone to self-hatred in adulthood.

It might be an idea to do couples counselling.

Also bin the letter. There is nothing you can say or do about it. Accept this. Sit with the feelings of discomfort the letter brings. Then tell yourself that you already knew that she would have very negative perception of you and that's ok and you are moving on.

I hope it's only you calling yourself these names and not your husband ?
If it is him that's saying them , then he has a lot to answer to .
If the therapy is your idea , I hope you get what you want from it .

Bin the letter. You can’t compel someone to have an affair with you. If a person believes that their oh was somehow coerced in to an affair they’re deluded.

Dont engage with her any further. She’s hurting and trying to cause you pain to match hers, which is understandable, but pointless.

You need to own your shit, and it’s sounds like you are. It would appear he’s being untruthful.