How do you forgive yourself?

[PleaseCanIWeeAlone]

I've behaved appallingly and hurt people. There's nothing I can do to make it better

I've started therapy. I'm trying to pour as much love and energy into my family as I can. I've applied to be a Samaritan.

But I hate myself and I wish I could change what I've done.

How do you move towards forgiving yourself when you don't think you should be?

As above being a Samaritan is not penance for your sins.

I think you need to focus on your family and not rush about looking for things to do to 'set things right'

The first step is accepting whatever you did, without trying to justify it or blame other people. You chose to do it and hard as it is, you need to accept that.

The next bit is to figure out why you chose that? Therapy will help with that since it may well be routed in trauma or previous unexplored hurt.

Once you work out why you did it you can put a plan in place to stop you ever doing it again. Once you start doing things differently, making better choices, you will feel better about yourself. You’ve learned that your previous choices did not in fact make you happy so you are motivated to change. I don’t think you can just “decide’ to forgive yourself, you need time to do the work, to make the changes, then you can look back and forgive yourself because you are a different person now.

MN is fond of saying that people don’t change but it’s simply not true. People do change, all the time. You can do this op and you will feel better for it.

I don't believe in instant forgiveness, whether you are trying to forgive yourself or others. I think it's a good thing that you can't immediately forgive yourself for hurting people. It shows that you do at least care about your bad behaviour. Why do you feel you should let yourself off the hook so soon?

Not the right time to become a Samaritan

You need to back off a little and take it easy. You need time and space to reflect, not more and more things to do - although that may feel like it helps because it does not give you time to think about things, it just defers you having to deal with them.

You did what you did for a reason. You may be tempted to say the reason is that you are bad, or horrible, but dont fall into that trap. If you have a sense of morals, have generally tried to be a good person and this was out of character, then spending time working out why is going to be useful - your counsellor will help with this. Once you understand why you did it, you will know how to protect from it in future. You may also find it easier to forgive yourself if you understand what made you vulnerable to acting this way - I doubt you woke up one morning and thought 'I will do something shitty today'.

No one is perfect, we will all hurt others at some point in our lives. We shouldnt be blase about this and try to avoid it if we can, but if we do act less than perfectly, alll we can do is admit to our mistakes (which you have), accept the shame and guilt that we are bound to feel and then use it to think about what we do in future. I wish you well.

Your counsellor is not just being nice to you, btw. You are obviously in pain, and she is having a human reaction to that - she can see you are not a bad person. As can the people on this thread.

Thank you. I agree it isn't going to be an instant thing. At the moment I don't feel worthy of forgiveness so don't think I am anywhere close

It's been a fucking horrible time, all self imposed but not for those I hurt and i just feel like shite

My husband had an affair.

He wasn't truly sorry and seeking forgiveness during the time he was pining over his AP. He was just feeling sorry for himself, regretful yes, ashamed yes but not truly remorseful.

He did get there and it was a horrifically dark time for him.

I know I'm going to be a voice of dissent here but talking about how you miss your AP does not imply true remorse, it doesn't fit with the narrative you're trying to portray here of someone seeking forgiveness. You really shouldn't 'miss' the person who turned you into the worst version of yourself.

Why do you feel you should let yourself off the hook so soon?

Because she'll make herself ill and quite frankly, telling someone that, who is already feeling awful for what she's done, is downright cruel.

OP has acknowledged what she's done wrong, there's no need for excessive self flagellation.

Im so sorry for what you went through.

I'm not joining for him. It's just this was my life for a long time and now it's not and it's a hell of an adjustment.

Tah I you so much to everyone for your comments. They are hugely appreciated in a very wobbly time.

Sorry, I meant 'thank you'

She knows she has done wrong and hurt other people and caused them potentially life long trauma. She STILL has feelings for the other man. Yet she is concerned about forgiving herself. She is the one who has behaved in a cruel manner. If it was your partner would you be telling him he should forgive himself? What utter bollocks. If the people on here who are being ever so forgiving were the victim of her selfishness and cheating their responses would be different.

Wow, always the victim. Emotional blackmail much?

What on earth? How am I emotionally blackmailing you? How on earth am I playing the victim?

I don't think you should forgive yourself. You need to accept that you did what you did and that you regret it. Try to understand why you did it and that may help you not do it again. But acceptance will go a lot further than forgiveness. It will allow you to see yourself as you really are, which may feel painful but is ultimately more realistic than any other approach.

Thank you, that's a really helpful way of looking at it.

'Im so sorry for what you went through.

I'm not joining for him. It's just this was my life for a long time and now it's not and it's a hell of an adjustment.'

I'm genuinely not trying to hurt you. I am still with my husband. He's a good person who did a terrible thing, I think that's entirely possible and it was hard watching him go through what you are, while also being so in pain myself.

I'm just trying to get you to see that if you're trying to repair, then you need to work on this idea that this AP was important to you. At the moment you sound like you're navel gazing and feeling sorry for yourself. You're getting sympathy on this thread and I can see you're in pain but there is another side to this and as someone who has watched her cheating husband go through the same process I can tell you, you don't sound remorseful and this will be transparent to those who know you. There will be repercussions with this if you are trying to rebuild with those you have hurt. You simply don't 'miss' the person who has assisted you in damaging the people you love.

My suggestion would be to get into the wayward forum on the surviving infidelity website. That may help to give you a different viewpoint and a move forward as you sound stuck.

How needlessly cruel.

FWIW I completely agree with acceptance as well. I have not forgiven my husband and he hasn't forgiven himself but we have accepted it has happened and moved on from the pain it caused.

The missing thing is hard to explain. I have no desire to see him ever again. I'm not pining for anything.

You're human OP. Everyone is human. What matters most now is the person you are striving to be TODAY.

Of course you miss him - feelings dont turn off like a tap. I can see why the cheated on person would think that it is bizarre that you would miss him and means you are not genuinely remorseful but I think this is coming from their own place of pain

Are you still with your DP/DH or did ye split?
If you are still with him, do you love him?