How to be more resilient and give a s*** less

[howtochange1]

I'm fed up with myself.

I used to have a very high stress high stakes job (think lawyer, doctor) and couldn't cope with the pressure/responsibility/fear of mistakes. So with support of DH took a huge career change, and pay cut, to do something where the stakes are so much lower.

This job that I am doing now is still a professional and accountable role, and even though the stakes are nothing like my old job, I've found myself getting just as stressed/worrying outside of work, etc.

I guess on (harsh) reflection I feel the following:

• I am not very resilient to making mistakes, receiving criticism, getting things wrong - and I really worry about these. In my old job it was worth being really worried about but the thing is, in my current job it's probably not. Nothing I do is realistically going to end the world. When I talk about mistakes, I don't mean career ending things, either.
• I don't cope well with uncertainty.
• I need a lot of reassurance that I am doing the right things and/or have support of seniors.
• I worry constantly about getting angry emails from others in the organisation.

So, it turns out that my old job wasn't necessary the problem- I am. It's funny as I come across very confident and sure of myself, but in reality I just constantly feel like an imposter who is making it up.

How do I start to address these things? How can I reframe my perception of risk in my head?

Can I recommend a fab book called the subtle art of not giving a fuck? It speaks to all of this.

I feel very similar-I thought it
was the menopause making it worse though, as I’m sure I used to give less of a shit!

@NutellaEllaElla I was just about to recommend the same. It’s excellent.

Have you always been this way or did the lack of confidence and need to be right, start in the last few years?

Be around people who handle stress well. We are the sum of people we hang out with.

Don't assume people are obsessively thinking about our every mistake. They are probably thinking about dinner!

I suppose it's all about finding the right coping mechanisms. If it's affecting you so much that you had to change jobs then I would probably advise you see a counsellor or therapist.

How was your childhood? Issues like this often have their roots in the way you were parented.

Well, my parents divorced, there were challenges, but I was loved and supported - so nothing particularly noteworthy.

Absolutely, thank you

Try therapy and/or CBT

Read The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

I think it was my first career and being so afraid to make a mistake which got me into the mindset.

But confidence is such a funny concept. As I said in OP, I seem VERY confident. And on paper I back myself as intelligent and worthy.

But yet have no confident doing work which I am actually overqualified to do 😂

Thank you, will check this out too.

How long ago did you quit your old job, retrain and start your new one OP? It sounds like you burnt out, and that can take years to recover from.
As a starting point, write 'will this matter in a week?' On a post it and stick it to your computer. It's helped me enormously.
Review your tactics for when things do go wrong so you feel more prepared. You apologise, you fix the problem, you put measures in place to avoid it happening again. Everyone makes mistakes, and you won't see 90% of other people's.
How's your relationships with your manager, have you spoken to them about it at all?

Re CBT/therapy, are there therapists who deal with confidence specially? Always associate more with mental health diagnoses. (Accept that there is element of anxiety in this of course).

Plenty of people who benefit from therapy were loved and supported.

You've identified a repeat issue. A good therapist could help you work out what's going on for you.

I'm 3 years out now.
At first new job was great as had no responsibility at all for a while. But now am considered reasonably experienced and work level reflects this.

Yes absolutely.

Look at how many top athletes, musicians etc work with therapists.

Hi OP, I relate to a lot of this including the job change from one where it does really matter if you make a mistake, to one where it matters much less. I second the poster above who says it may take a while for the feelings to change. It has got better for me but over time, plus being more successful in my new career. I would also recommend exercise - it sounds really cliched but I think running is what has made the difference for me. Sometimes I literally have to take myself out if I feel anxiety is building. It works on a physiological level for me and feels similar to the effect of anti anxiety meds (also an option!) Good luck.

Thank you everyone.

Taking these all on board.

I get so annoyed with myself when I see things about 'real problems' and I have been sat catastrophising about my nonissues.

So I'm interested whether there may be anything that sits behind this - how do you manage criticism, mistakes, uncertainty in real life outside of work? I recognise lots of what you are saying in myself, I also work in a high stakes job that matters if I make a mistake and so attributed my anxiety around it to that for a long time. After quite a bit of counselling I've come to realise it was because this stuff was hitting old hurts - ie it was never actually about the work itself so much as it's about the buttons it was pressing. For me for example, hyper critical father so struggle to manage feedback (perceive it as criticism) . I am in a much better place now, much more balanced in work, still a work in progress but counselling (and doing the work from that) has made a huge difference.

Getting annoyed with yourself won't help.

Loads of people feel like you. Doesn't make you a bad person. Approach this issue in a curious and supportive way, rather than being critical of yourself.

Also a podcast series called ‘owning it - the anxiety podcast’ and one called Oliver Burkeman - can’t remember the name I’m afraid but essentially his point was that bad things WILL happen I.e. you may cock up or do things badly. It’s pointless worrying/ trying to prevent this, better to focus on how to cope/ fix it as someone said above.

Try not to beat yourself up about others having worse issues, that’s just another way to feel bad about yourself. We all have our issues to deal with.

@howtochange1 &@marthasmum - I hope you don't mind me asking what role had you changed to. I'm coming to a point now where I feel that I might need to move to a less stressful job.

I have seen so many colleagues made redundant over the years through no work quality issue, and also see so many idiots in senior posts that life convinces me it doesn't really matter about day to day mistakes or quality of your work.
You just have to do your job, and think well if they get rid of me I will find another. Unless you do something corrupt or very very damaging you will find another job.
Beyond that it's a mental issue and you may need support for anxiety/medication or therapy. Leaving your original career has probably knocked your confidence although it was a very brave and self aware thing to do.
Also can you request regular short 1-1's with your line manager and explain that it would really help you to have that check in weekly to feel on track? It's not a crime to need a bit more guidance.

Do you actually make mistakes or are you worried about making them ?