How to be more resilient and give a s*** less

[howtochange1]

I'm fed up with myself.

I used to have a very high stress high stakes job (think lawyer, doctor) and couldn't cope with the pressure/responsibility/fear of mistakes. So with support of DH took a huge career change, and pay cut, to do something where the stakes are so much lower.

This job that I am doing now is still a professional and accountable role, and even though the stakes are nothing like my old job, I've found myself getting just as stressed/worrying outside of work, etc.

I guess on (harsh) reflection I feel the following:

• I am not very resilient to making mistakes, receiving criticism, getting things wrong - and I really worry about these. In my old job it was worth being really worried about but the thing is, in my current job it's probably not. Nothing I do is realistically going to end the world. When I talk about mistakes, I don't mean career ending things, either.
• I don't cope well with uncertainty.
• I need a lot of reassurance that I am doing the right things and/or have support of seniors.
• I worry constantly about getting angry emails from others in the organisation.

So, it turns out that my old job wasn't necessary the problem- I am. It's funny as I come across very confident and sure of myself, but in reality I just constantly feel like an imposter who is making it up.

How do I start to address these things? How can I reframe my perception of risk in my head?

jennymac i went from healthcare to lecturer in healthcare. It was a move I had been thinking about for a while though and did need to build up experience for that role. But if you are in healthcare there are lots of roles you can jump to more immediately as you will have transferable skills.

not my daughter I also had a very critical father, well done for getting to the bottom of this!

I feel you. I was (and to an extend still am) very much the same. I think it comes from a childhood where I felt very much watched and judged.

I work in a job with a lot of inflated egos and am often subject to anger / criticism, which really used to get to me until I realised that it is not about me - these people have their own issues / trauma and are just dumping it on us. It's NOT acceptable but realising this helped me to gain some perspective. And not everyone's an asshole - I have come across many that are graceful and understanding even if I do make a mistake. There's not need to be a dick.

The book "Happy: Why More or Less Everything is Absolutely Fine" by Derren Brown really helped too. Basically, there is very little in life that we can truly control, but we can attempt to have some control over our inner life / outlook in life.

Have you thought about having some coaching? Everything you’re saying is common and they’ll have lots of resources, exercises and advice to reduce your professional anxiety and insecurity.

I’d recommend coaching over therapy as it’s more practical and I think you can potentially get some quick results if you find the right coach.

I had a similar career change where the pressure in a high flying job drove me crazy so I started pretty much bottom of the ladder elsewhere.

Do you have any good managers/ mentors around?

I grew my confidence and ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude by knowing they’ll always back me, ensuring I follow process and there is a ‘why’ behind me doing certain things, being able to speak openly and talk things through etc.

I’ve been very lucky to have great listener type managers/ mentors around, and that’s really helped me get to a place where I’m confident inside and out. They’d say things like ‘you’re doing the right thing and I’ll back you all the way’ or ‘nobody has the foundation to question this, you’re doing what’s best for the team/ client’. I always do quite like discuss certain decisions with others just as a sounding board.

Similarly try to find your inner peace and confidence… You could try things like meditation, yoga, reading as opposed to constantly rushing, exercising, good food… Or time in nature, beautiful clothes… whatever ups your self worth, really.

Also… Try to work somewhere where ‘sending angry emails’ isn’t really ok. A company culture with good values that they live is important. Some people say values are bs, but I’ve seen companies with no defined values/ culture, and they’ve often been miserable places to work.

Is your day very busy or do you have time to process things? I find I cope better when I build in processing time, for example a walk at lunch, breaks between meetings, talking things through with a trusted colleague. It also helps when I take the full responsibility off myself (psychologically) - I am part of a team, I have a manager, I’m part of a wider organisational culture - it isn’t all on me. For example, remind myself that it’s managements choice to under resource x and I can only do what I can do.

This is interesting. Thank you. Haven't seen coaching in place other than more senior roles but perhaps I can talk to my manager about it.

I'm no help OP but I could have written your OP word for word. Shamelessly placemarking to catch up on others' suggestions later today.

Thank you. This is helpful.

I think (barring gross incompetence or mal-intent etc) my seniors will back and support me. I tend to work reasonably closely with them anyway (see above- need for reassurance 😂).

We have some new managers who, whilst lovely, I don't 100% trust to give the steer needed or make the tough calls in complex cases - which doesn't help.

All of my formal work has to be reviewed and agreed by a manager before circulation too.

As far as your subconscious mind is concerned, these are 'real' problems, otherwise it wouldn't be fretting about them. Getting your logical mind back in change is the aim here.

It's very busy in certain periods, one of which I am in now.
I do think there is truth in that advice though, if for no other reason to remind my brain that there is life outside of my laptop! Thanksz

Will check this out. Thank you.

I can speak for this.

I am very well qualified on paper but struggle in the workplace.

I got ever more theoretically less stressful jobs, think despatch clerk, cleaner, etc. but still stressed out.

Read all the books....

Turns out I'm ND so don't filter well.

Mark Manson, the Art of not giving AF author, is good on YouTube.

Also look at perfectionism, Laurie Santos's latest podcast is pretty on the button for me.

And yes, go talk to someone, get a toolkit going for managing your own quirks.

I manage who I listen to & what I do now, life is better.

Even in the old high pressured job, I never made a serious mistake. That's the irony. But I lived in fear of my regulator contacting me with an issue.

Current job- never made notable mistake. However the role involves a lot of grey area judgements with no firm right/wrong, which means that there can be challenge on just about anything from those affected who may disagree.

Marking because I suffer from this (to some extent, not as severely as you, by the sounds of it).

It is more common in women.

therapy is probably the answer.

my brother in law once reminded me that my 80% effort/quality is probably someone else’s 100%

and in some cases my 50% effort/quality might be someone else’s 100%

and that I walk around at work accepting that daily without much question.

Therapy in a Nutshell on YT also good.

This is very interesting - would you mind if I DMed you please?

I think that's the best thing Ive learnt from Mumsnet, hoe the same issues can be perceived so differently by people.

Yep, no problem.

'Plenty of people who benefit from therapy were loved and supported.
You've identified a repeat issue. A good therapist could help you work out what's going on for you.'

Completely agree with this. Also agree that lots of people feel the same as you do OP. You're not alone

I am so like this!! My solution was to work for myself.

theres something about people having complete control over me that stresses me but pleasing clients just doesn’t feel the same.

Sounds like a need to be (seen as) perfect, OP, and presumably you learned that somewhere. I would imagine there's some internalised persecution, something unconscious that drives you to be mercilessly hard on yourself so that no matter how good you are at what you do, you can never be good enough. And that's not how the people you work with/for see you, but that doesn't matter, it's how some very controlling part of you sees you. I would suggest finding a psychodynamic psychotherapist to help you unpack that.

Was just coming on here to recommend this!

I have this too and have always been in low level/officer level jobs because of it. I don't back myself to have real responsibility. I actually almost cried in a dance lesson (my first ever) last night because I didn't get it/was making mistakes. Duh! I've been reading about growth vs fixed mindset and it explains a lot!

I think it's anxiety and fear of disappointing people. It helped me to judge others less and in doing so be less harsh on myself..i held everyone up to high standards which nobody can meet all the time. Second thing is, needing to focus on what I can control which requires knowing the difference between whats your responsibility and where it stops being so. This happens when you are confident in your knowledge of the role, so you are competent. It could mean you study or learn in your own unpaid time or asking work for training.
I was surprised at my job how everyone seemed to grasp a lot of the nee rules and laws and I would just about manage, it turned out they would study in their own time out of work and cheerfully described it as 'interesting and fun'!! Which may be true or total bullshit to get ahead at work but others may be doing more homework than you or had more opportunities to learn.

If you know your role inside out, your respinsibilities and you create a system and routine that checks all the steps you need to do then there is less chance of mistakes. So instead of worrying about mistakes, get ahead and arrange your work load so that there is little chance of mistakes. Then accept that you and everyone else will make mistakes. Write and log your tasks at the begining of the day and then at the end of the day write like a handover for yourself, you could do it on the commute home or just before you leave.

Basically a lot of the competent people, resilient etc, work wasn't central to their validation, they had other passions and obsessions and identities, they didn't judge others harshly, they spend unpaid time learning about the job, they see the bigger picture eg i only work so i can pay the mortgage/afford my hobby/step up to that position, this job doesnt define me. They don't attach their ego and self esteem to the job. They get pride from other sources in their life, for one woman it was her baking and dreams of a bakery another it was just for her kids another didnt need the money just doing the job out of boredom.

I'm NT and found the art of not giving a fuck book irritating and patronising.