How to be more resilient and give a s*** less

[howtochange1]

I'm fed up with myself.

I used to have a very high stress high stakes job (think lawyer, doctor) and couldn't cope with the pressure/responsibility/fear of mistakes. So with support of DH took a huge career change, and pay cut, to do something where the stakes are so much lower.

This job that I am doing now is still a professional and accountable role, and even though the stakes are nothing like my old job, I've found myself getting just as stressed/worrying outside of work, etc.

I guess on (harsh) reflection I feel the following:

• I am not very resilient to making mistakes, receiving criticism, getting things wrong - and I really worry about these. In my old job it was worth being really worried about but the thing is, in my current job it's probably not. Nothing I do is realistically going to end the world. When I talk about mistakes, I don't mean career ending things, either.
• I don't cope well with uncertainty.
• I need a lot of reassurance that I am doing the right things and/or have support of seniors.
• I worry constantly about getting angry emails from others in the organisation.

So, it turns out that my old job wasn't necessary the problem- I am. It's funny as I come across very confident and sure of myself, but in reality I just constantly feel like an imposter who is making it up.

How do I start to address these things? How can I reframe my perception of risk in my head?

I found it annoying too.

I’d say you could benefit from coaching rather than therapy, reading your updates. It’s similar in many ways but forward looking + goal orientated, while digging deep and getting you to understand blockers / obstacles we often put in our own way. Often tackles issues around confidence / low self esteem / imposter syndrome etc.

I used to be very like this, now I am less like this. (But the tendency is there). I could absolutely not have done medicine.

I am much better with angry emails. I now just think 'I wonder why they have such poor emotional regulation'. Im much better at attributing thier behaviour to them, rather than feeling responsible for it.

In terms of taking criticism of things I've done or suggestions for improvement, I have got better at thinking why on earth would I get everything right and be perfect. Literally noone else does and why on earth shouldn't I be leaning on colleagues for support and improvement, that's a point of a team or a boss. They aren't there to check up on me, but build on my start point.

I hope some of the books suggested help. I'm going to look them up too.

I could’ve written your post OP, although I haven’t changed jobs because I’ve long suspected that I would feel the same level of pressure and impostor syndrome in literally ANY job. I did change companies to somewhere with a seemingly more supportive culture, which has made me feel a little less vulnerable but overall the ‘problem’ is definitely me.

However, I had an ADHD diagnosis a few years ago which suddenly made it all make sense. It’s not fixed me, but I’m definitely more able to rationalise most of the time. I’m also learning coping mechanisms and medication has really helped. Obviously I’m not diagnosing a stranger over the internet but it might be something worth looking at.

You can buy it privately too, it doesn’t need to be via work (and probably best not to be so you feel completely comfortable)

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - Susan Jeffers.
Ancient self help book but very good

What makes you think OP may be neurodiverse? Imposter syndrome, lack of confidence, insecurity, perfectionism, sensitivity to criticism - all very normal and if you have one, you often have it all. To me, this does not indicate ADHD at all, albeit you can have both.

Neurodiversity seems to be the catch all for everything now.

I have generalised anxiety disorder so I always feel a sense of dread and nerves and it is absolutely exhausting.

the role involves a lot of grey area judgements with no firm right/wrong, which means that there can be challenge on just about anything from those affected who may disagree

Make sure you document the evidence and thought processes that lead you to make decisions.

Purely the similarities with how I feel and think, the sensitivity to criticism and constant need for reassurance in particular. I’m just suggesting it as something to explore.

ps. Saying its ‘the catch all for everything now’ is really thoughtless and quite offensive to many of us who experience the challenges of being ND on a daily basis.

Interesting, OP.
It's good you recognise you would like to change.
Wait until you get to about 42 years of age.
😉

Seriously though, this book changed my life

I was struck by you saying you 'get annoyed with yourself' and I really related to this - because I have come to realise it's just one stress to pile onto your already stressed system! Stop that self-scolding right now!

At a late age, I've had the epiphany that I'm a person who responds better to encouragement than criticism. So simple! A can-do, 'let's work on this' attitude perks me up and energises me, a 'what's wrong this time' attitude flattens me and stunts my creativity. As animals, we are programmed to gravitate to positive, rewarding things and away from the 'danger' or 'attack' that we perceive in criticism.

I had hyper-critical parents, like so many here, and I carried that pattern internally for decades... a question or challenge would be registered by me as a criticism, scolding and rejection. Contrary to what my parents thought, this approach did not drive me to be better, it just discouraged me.

Sometimes it helps to just take five minutes and say to myself 'Now hold on, kid - you're okay, this isn't the end of the world, you are good enough, and this is a work in progress. People make mistakes, problems can be solved, and I can simply, calmly, do my best and make things better. Perfection is not required! And 80/20 balance is good enough.'

It sounds hokey, but honestly, this sort of positive self-talk can be really calming and energising! Give it a go! Give yourself a hug! 🤗

Thank you everyone.

I really will check out the resources highlighted.

Also nice to hear that others feel the same. I just wish I could be more 'devil may care'.

I think what sparked me to post today is that I considered applying a new job elsewhere. The reasoning being that at least I could hand over all the stuff that's stressing me out here, and it'll take a while to collate a full workload elsewhere
😂 absolutely awful reasoning and of course won't give into it, but it's the first time I've been thinking it in this job so bit worrying.
Also considered taking a week sick but know the work will still be there piling up... 😞 plus I'm not actually sick, I'm just acopic!

Clearly the issue is me and I will take it with me anywhere I go, so got to deal with it

Anyway has been helpful to talk it through. Thanks mumsnetters.

But also is it you, them or the situation?

You might need more resources in your current role?

People who think like we do tend to end up doing more than is possible, just because we think we should be able to cope?

Problem with changing jobs @howtochange1 is that you will end up accruing responsibility wherever you work as the fear drives diligence and you are obviously an intelligent and capable person - and what organisation doesn’t want diligent, intelligent, capable people taking care of things?
I was also heavily criticised, supervised and corrected as a child and it has taken decades for me to trust that I am pretty good at what I do and worth listening to! It’s almost like I had to repeatedly collect the evidence throughout life and accept that I do have all the qualities people found valuable - they couldn’t all be wrong!

I was the same OP, I found a wonderful therapist and it really helped

Moving jobs sounds like a slow-motion flight response! 😄

I think the fact so many people have responded to this thread shows that you're not alone! We can have the mistaken idea that everyone else is doing fine and it's just us... 😄

And so many here have learn to change and manage it too! You're sounding more hopeful and positive already - just give yourself space, time and kindness and it will all start to feel more manageable!

Go you! ✊

Well just had a big cry at my boss and asked for more support.

Feels better short term but suspect long term it's just enabling my acopic personality.

Just want to run and hide! Should have stayed in the high paying job if I was going to feel like this anyway 😂

But thank you all. I do feel less alone.

How long have you stayed in your current jobs? You're probably doing a lot better than your brain is saying...you know you can ignore the negative thoughts?

I can't tell you how many jobs I've had and I probably gave up going out to work sometime before 2010. Hence my study of this!

It’s true though. The fact you linked low self confidence (which a high proportion of society suffers with) to ADHD is just one example. You didn’t choose any other of your features to link to OP. You recognised her thoughts in yourself and rather than suggest shared age, experiences, geography, education, family pressures etc, you linked her feelings to your ADHD diagnosis. Why?

But I did have that exact same thought, so did upskill and did some professional jobs too. :-)

What was your bosses response??

What specific issues did you outline and how are they going to support you.

One comment in an earlier post you made really rang a bell with me. It was around there being a lot of grey areas and judgement needed. It made me think that maybe you are having a normal reaction to a poor work set up.

This had been the case for my team for a long time (when I joined). It caused anxiety and prevarication around completing work in my team.
I looked at this and decided it was unfair to require people at that level to make such calls , and put in place better guidelines and SOPs. I also have spent a lot of time on culture change: encouraged people to take the work as far as they could then escalate those decisions to their managers, who (either through more experience or empowerment) could make those calls much more quickly.

Could this be a similar issue in your work?

But you are competent and have made your decisions based on logic and experience. You have done your due diligence and gathered the necessary evidence. So you can justify those decisions, I expect?

is there a process for recording all of this, that can be looked back on, should anyone in future have questions?

As you can see OP, I’ve been re-reading and thinking about your posts. I hope this is helpful.

I’m wondering how much of this is objectively true?

I am not very resilient to making mistakes, receiving criticism, getting things wrong

Has any of this actually happened in this job though? Do you have examples?

I don't cope well with uncertainty

This is true of most people. How much of the uncertainty is reasonable in your job?

I need a lot of reassurance that I am doing the right things and/or have support of seniors.

Have any of your seniors told you that the amount of reassurance you seek is unreasonable? It might be that the reassurances you seek are reasonable or even welcome. Ask your boss their opinion because it might relieve some of your anxiety on this point.

I worry constantly about getting angry emails from others in the organisation.

But has this actually happened here? It might help to rationalise it, if in 3 years it hasn’t happened.