How to be more resilient and give a s*** less

[howtochange1]

I'm fed up with myself.

I used to have a very high stress high stakes job (think lawyer, doctor) and couldn't cope with the pressure/responsibility/fear of mistakes. So with support of DH took a huge career change, and pay cut, to do something where the stakes are so much lower.

This job that I am doing now is still a professional and accountable role, and even though the stakes are nothing like my old job, I've found myself getting just as stressed/worrying outside of work, etc.

I guess on (harsh) reflection I feel the following:

• I am not very resilient to making mistakes, receiving criticism, getting things wrong - and I really worry about these. In my old job it was worth being really worried about but the thing is, in my current job it's probably not. Nothing I do is realistically going to end the world. When I talk about mistakes, I don't mean career ending things, either.
• I don't cope well with uncertainty.
• I need a lot of reassurance that I am doing the right things and/or have support of seniors.
• I worry constantly about getting angry emails from others in the organisation.

So, it turns out that my old job wasn't necessary the problem- I am. It's funny as I come across very confident and sure of myself, but in reality I just constantly feel like an imposter who is making it up.

How do I start to address these things? How can I reframe my perception of risk in my head?

Place marking as think a thread I started as my thread is similar .

I used to panic all the time, was sure I was not good enough etc. I never had a high powered job and was a very very small cog in a big wheel. I now have more confidence. I look around me and despair of the lack of communication in my workplace! And no one gives a fuck! It is not that I no longer care full stop, but if I make a mistake I say sorry, be sure not to do it again and move on. It is not like the walls will fall down. I also am less bothered what people think of me but stand up for myself too.

Possibly the menopause (gone through it) had something to do with it? Nice that something good came out of that!

Gently, are you taking on/feeling more responsibility than you actually have here?

If your work has to be reviewed and agreed by a manager, then they have to take responsibility for the final decision to circulate, if they are more senior. Your job is to do the work, lay it all out for them and answer their questions.
But then it’s their responsibility.

We have some new managers who, whilst lovely, I don't 100% trust to give the steer needed or make the tough calls in complex cases - which doesn't help.

I think this is problematic behaviour on your part (sorry to be blunt).
Again, you took a step down so you have to ceed that responsibility to someone else.

You are not being paid for that responsibility, so don’t take on the mental burden.
It is not your problem. They are senior and you follow their advice. If it is bad advice, this is a problem for them and your institution. Just make sure you have good records of it being their decision.

I say all of this with lots of kindness and as someone who recognises all these internal struggles you have completely.

I hope this isn’t too much, it’s just that I’ve been giving it some thought.

@everythingthelighttouches thank you, you've given me some truly interesting food for thought.

I am pretty junior, and you're right, with seniors quality assessing all reports there is cover there.

I think I just want to avoid the situations where it's gone wrong, and I'm having to justify stuff etc etc... so then perhaps I am trying too hard to upwards manage my managers to make things go how I think they should go, and in turn am making things harder?

How do people document their conversations about such things with managers? Does me writing it on a word document actually mean anything, if I were challenged later on?

No, I wouldn’t say your own word doc is sufficient if you just keep that to yourself.

I would make sure most of my transactions are happening via email or presentation with meetings booked in outlook.

I would always follow up a face to face or virtual conversation with an email to the manager, summarising key discussion points, evidence and decisions.

I work in contracts now and everything that gets signed off has an official summary sheet at the front documenting key points, which is signed off by the manager. Do you have any processes like this??

My guess is that there are few things going on here:

1. Taking a break is a problem in itself because you can keep doing what you are doing because you are used to it. Look at it this way if you started show jumping as a child and every day went horse riding and jumping, you could still be doing it when you are 70. If however you stopped when you were 40 and took a 5 year break, you'd get back on the horse and suddenly be full of nerves. You are as good as what you did yesterday in these scenarios.
2. Getting older generally can make you more risk averse. It's not so much 'not giving a fuck' which is often waved around as an advantage of aging. It's more that you are more sensitive to the possible problems and planning ahead than when you are younger.

When you are 20 (to go back to horse riding again), you are just enjoying learning and the thrill of the sport. You are aware you could break a leg but you are young, it's no big deal. You've never seen someone die after breaking a hip. When you are 60, you are full of 'what if I fall? what if I break a hip? Aunty Jean died 2 weeks after she broke her hip'. The same with anything really, younger you doesn't worry about losing a job because you can get another one in your head easily. older you is paralysed by a domino effect of if I lose my job because I fuck up I won't get a reference, no reference = no new job for ages, I'll be long term unemployed, I'll be humilated and depressed, I'll end up on drugs homeless in the street and die eaten by dgos.

3.Jobs you describe like law and medicine are very very hierachical. The hierachy is built in and your value increases as you move up the ladder of seniority. Lots of other jobs aren't quite the same, there is more "assessment" of how you are actually performing which makes you more jumpy about that "assessment".
4.Uncertainty causes anxiety and stress. It's important to understand that. Address the uncertainty and things are immediately better - even in extreme situations. The fear of not knowing a diagnosis in those days leading up to it is much much more stress and anxiety inducing that actually being told what you have and what your facing. Most uncertainty gets resolved but if it doesn't, address it. Ask for a meeting to resolve it for example.

Testosterone helped me alongside hrt

I am very interested in your use of the word acopia @howtochange1 I hadn't heard but it describes me tbh.
I have been taking notes on this thread

I’m reading Dr Chatterjee’s latest book and it does cover a lot of things you talk about.

https://drchatterjee.com/books/make-change-that-lasts/

I’d also recommend his podcast which has been running for a few years so lots to choose from. This one from over Christmas, which touches on his latest book topics, is a good place to start: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/feel-better-live-more-with-dr-rangan-chatterjee/id1333552422?i=1000681451913