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Original poster

Feel like i'll never get the chance to have a baby

97 replies

sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 19:22

I have just turned 35 and feeling so low. I have always wanted children and a family, its always been my life goal. And I just feel it slipping away all the time, everytime I download an app, go on a date, every birthday. 🙁

I have always been unlucky in love. my last relationship ended 8 years ago when he broke things off with me, we had only been together a year and he felt he should have been having stronger feelings than he did. And that's it, nothing since then.

I tried all through my late twenties and early thirties to find a relationship, going on multiple dates from Online Dating but nothing working out. A lot of the time just because the men turned out to have issues so i'd call things off but sometimes because they didn't want to see me again and made their excuses.

The dating pool is getting very shallow and I probably swipe left on less than 10%. Its terrible. I've tried increasing age ranges, location ranges but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

But i'm panicking that i've really missed the boat in achieving my life dream and I can't shake the sadness sometimes.

I was hoping to hear from people who were in my position at 35 and went on to find their person after a long long time single and have a baby. I can't imagine life without having a baby and I feel that is going to become a reality and im scared.

Not in a position to freeze my eggs financially.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/01/2025 19:26

I met a lady at a playgroup who said she was struggling to find someone and she was jumping straight to baby questions on first dates which made men run a mile. She had a donor baby and it's going great for her and her little baby. I know a few women who have donor babies and they are loved and will be brought up to know their truth. It's something to consider.
For what it's worth I had my first baby at 34 then my second at 37. There's time yet for you x

Original poster
sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 19:29

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/01/2025 19:26

I met a lady at a playgroup who said she was struggling to find someone and she was jumping straight to baby questions on first dates which made men run a mile. She had a donor baby and it's going great for her and her little baby. I know a few women who have donor babies and they are loved and will be brought up to know their truth. It's something to consider.
For what it's worth I had my first baby at 34 then my second at 37. There's time yet for you x

Edited

Thank you, this does make me sad though as I don't want a donor baby personally 🙁

OP posts:
Whatabouthow · 14/01/2025 20:12

I'll throw another perspective out there. A friend was desperate for a baby, met someone when she was 38. Married and pregnant a year later. When the child was three they realised they didn't actually know each other, and were only together because they were "cracking on" (her words). When their son was two they split up, but as they both really really wanted kids it was a hideous split and cost them both around £9k each in the first six months in legal fees. Absolutely brutal for all involved. So while you feel like the clock is ticking, don't be blinded by wanting a baby. You still might end up single but with a huge headache, in which case a donor baby would be a much better option.

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General relationships
comoatoupeira · 14/01/2025 20:23

You need to join some clubs where you might meet single people. Choirs, hiking groups, anything you're into. Get on with it! Sorry to be harsh but online dating etc is going to take too long.

PauliesWalnuts · 14/01/2025 20:32

My twopenneth from the other side. I didn’t have children and I’m now 52. No other reason other than I didn’t meet anyone in time and although he wouldn’t have needed to be Mr Perfect, I didn’t want to settle, and I also decided that the donor route wasn’t for me - I wouldn’t have been able to bring up a child on my own on a low ish civil service salary.

I’m not going to lie - sometimes my forties were tough, and I had to set aside time to grieve for the family I didn’t get to have. I still have a little wobble now and again as my friends with children in some cases are starting to become grandparents.

My point is, I got through it. There is more than one path to take to be happy, and I lead a very happy life. It’s just very different than the one I dreamed of. My advice would be to make friends with older women of all ages who don’t have children, plan for all eventualities so that if it doesn’t happen, you have a support system and escape route to a different life already set up.

clarepetal · 14/01/2025 20:36

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/01/2025 19:26

I met a lady at a playgroup who said she was struggling to find someone and she was jumping straight to baby questions on first dates which made men run a mile. She had a donor baby and it's going great for her and her little baby. I know a few women who have donor babies and they are loved and will be brought up to know their truth. It's something to consider.
For what it's worth I had my first baby at 34 then my second at 37. There's time yet for you x

Edited

Exactly this. Sod the men and have a donor baby, you'll be great.

MabelsBeats · 14/01/2025 20:40

I have a colleague who had a baby from sperm donation and she is hugely happy, after relationships where the men were just hopeless in the end, she gave years of her life to two relationships I think.

Given her age (mid-thirties) she concluded that she had to rely on herself if she really wanted a baby to happen!

ToddlerMumma · 14/01/2025 20:54

I was single all through my 30s. I also really wanted a family and thought that just wasn't going to happen for me. I'd come to terms with it and really loved being single, free and independent. I met someone on a singles holiday and we were married with a baby a few years later. Then another baby came along, both born in my 40s. You've got time.

Confused19831983 · 14/01/2025 20:57

I won't tell you my exact story as it would be too outing but I had a baby aged 40 and am now engaged to his dad.
I was on my own for years, didn't think I would ever have a family.
So it can def happen for you. You still have time on your side.
What I would say is that I was quite proactive about getting pregnant (not so much finding Mr Right) and was probably quite lucky it worked out in the end.
It sounds like you are doing all you can to meet someone and I feel sure you will do at some point.
Wishing you all the luck in your journey.

GeekyDiva80 · 14/01/2025 20:58

I didn't have any in my 30's. Met a guy at 39, accidentally fell pregnant, 3 years later we broke up. Met another at 41, just gave birth two months ago at 44. Both natural pregnancies. So there is hope.

TheBoysAndTheBallet · 14/01/2025 20:59

Advice from someone ten years down the line, have the donor baby. I thought it wasn't the right option for me at your age, and now I wish I'd just gone for it.

bomalan · 14/01/2025 21:08

My cousin didn't meet her partner until she was 40.

They got married quickly and they now have 2 Sons which she had at 42 & 45.

JustAGalWhoLovesBooks · 14/01/2025 21:09

I understand. I also rushed into having a baby with a man who wasn't right for me. I'm paying that price now. I often wonder how much easier life would be if it was just me and my children. Going by what I hear from most of my mum friends, the dads are pretty useless and we become resentful (I know this isn't all dad's...). Just saying, don't be frightened to do it alone Flowers

Original poster
sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 21:12

Thanks for the stories, but there won't be a donor baby, as everyone is suggesting. As as I said in my OP for financial reasons, I couldn't afford a donor or to freeze my eggs.

No man, no baby I guess :(

OP posts:
CC222 · 14/01/2025 21:13

I was single and childless at 35, was considering having a child alone at point.. ended up getting together with someone I knew vaguely from my younger years and quickly fell pregnant and had my child at 36. The relationship didn't last as he was abusive so I'm now a single parent to a 3 year old but couldn't be happier with how things have turned out.
Anything can change, and I hope you get your dream of being a mum.. I guess what I'm saying is, be open to all possibilities and don't give up hope just yet. You still have time 💕

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/01/2025 21:13

Confused19831983 · 14/01/2025 20:57

I won't tell you my exact story as it would be too outing but I had a baby aged 40 and am now engaged to his dad.
I was on my own for years, didn't think I would ever have a family.
So it can def happen for you. You still have time on your side.
What I would say is that I was quite proactive about getting pregnant (not so much finding Mr Right) and was probably quite lucky it worked out in the end.
It sounds like you are doing all you can to meet someone and I feel sure you will do at some point.
Wishing you all the luck in your journey.

Did the sperm donor get a say in the matter?

hummingbird12 · 14/01/2025 21:23

My SIL said she's going to have a baby on her own when she's 30 if it hasn't happened already. She's only 27 atm but very maternal and wonderful with my DC.
She's done the whole travelling the world thing and had a couple of serious boyfriends but none that have been the one. She has a new bf now but only together a few months but he seems lovely so I'm hopeful for her.

You don't need a man op. There are options!

Ikeameatballs · 14/01/2025 21:27

I have a friend who met her partner at 43 got married at 45 and had her children at 47 and 49.

Confused19831983 · 14/01/2025 21:29

@BettyBardMacDonald I don't understand your question, sorry.

SauvignonBlonk · 14/01/2025 21:31

I’ve a friend that adopted a little boy - he’s an absolute smasher and they’re made for each other. She split with her boyfriend several years before and has done it all herself.

confusedlots · 14/01/2025 21:33

I met my DH when I was 33 and we now have 2 kids, the first was born when I was 36. I think at this age, couples often make a decision early on if they feel it's right for marriage and kids, so things often progress on a faster timeline.

I don't know many people who have had long lasting success from online dating, I think getting out and doing something you're interested in can be a better way to find someone you're compatible with. Join a hiking club or a running club, and make sure it's something where you're likely to have an opportunity to chat to people while you're doing the activity.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/01/2025 21:33

Confused19831983 · 14/01/2025 21:29

@BettyBardMacDonald I don't understand your question, sorry.

They're being sarky and implying that you "trapped" the Father of your baby.
I was going to reply to them and say well yes they did as could have worn protection but I didn't want to derail the thread.
I'm similar to you got pg very quick to someone and it's also outing. I didn't "trap" my partner either he was well aware I wasn't on contraception I warned him plenty of time. And years down the line were still together.

Rosesanddaffs · 14/01/2025 21:35

@sadsingleton Don’t fret, you aren’t over the hill! There’s plenty of time to meet someone and have a baby. I conceived mine naturally in my 40’s xx

LegoBingo · 14/01/2025 21:38

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/01/2025 21:13

Did the sperm donor get a say in the matter?

Show quote history

There wasn't a sperm donor??

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 14/01/2025 21:39

Agree with pp that you have time- most of my mum friends had babies in their late 30s or early 40s. Regarding not wanting a 'lad' or a 'nerd' though- could you be ruling men out too quickly based on what type they present as? My DH is very nerdy- I used to be a bit embarrassed about his hobbies and interests so he's maybe not what I would have chosen on paper without getting to know him first but he is an absolutely incredible husband and father- several of my friends have said they envy me and our relationship. Give the nerds a chance!