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Original poster

Feel like i'll never get the chance to have a baby

97 replies

sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 19:22

I have just turned 35 and feeling so low. I have always wanted children and a family, its always been my life goal. And I just feel it slipping away all the time, everytime I download an app, go on a date, every birthday. 🙁

I have always been unlucky in love. my last relationship ended 8 years ago when he broke things off with me, we had only been together a year and he felt he should have been having stronger feelings than he did. And that's it, nothing since then.

I tried all through my late twenties and early thirties to find a relationship, going on multiple dates from Online Dating but nothing working out. A lot of the time just because the men turned out to have issues so i'd call things off but sometimes because they didn't want to see me again and made their excuses.

The dating pool is getting very shallow and I probably swipe left on less than 10%. Its terrible. I've tried increasing age ranges, location ranges but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

But i'm panicking that i've really missed the boat in achieving my life dream and I can't shake the sadness sometimes.

I was hoping to hear from people who were in my position at 35 and went on to find their person after a long long time single and have a baby. I can't imagine life without having a baby and I feel that is going to become a reality and im scared.

Not in a position to freeze my eggs financially.

OP posts:
LegoBingo · 14/01/2025 21:43

The dating pool is getting very shallow and I probably swipe left on less than 10%. Its terrible. I've tried increasing age ranges, location ranges but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

Give the men you're dismissing as they like Marvel films a go. Or the 'lad'. See what they're actually like.

If you want to do this the relationship way you need to be more open minded. Sure don't even bother with the sleezy ones. Also the whole tinder thing might not be for you try other apps. Try going to local pubs and bars.

You are going to have to be proactive and move on quick from anyone not right but it's doable.

Also decide how you feel about divorced dads
now in case they come up. If they're not for you that's fine but don't waste their time either.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/01/2025 21:50

What is the reasons you're rejecting men op? I guess my mate was your age ish, maybe a bit younger. She had a fairly solid taste in men, and was still single. She finally let go a little, swiped a few randoms and gave them a chance. She got married at 37, and now at 43 has two kids.

Sometimes you have to accept that your taste in men isn't working and not settle but open your mind

ForZanyAquaViewer · 14/01/2025 21:51

I met DH at 36 via OLD. He’s the absolute love of my life, and we are now happily married with two kids. Both were conceived naturally, with ease and post 40. Life is pretty excellent.

I know it’s an unusual stance on MN, but I did genuinely enjoy OLD. If you don’t/it’s not working for you, and what you really want is a child - please remember that there are other options.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
strawkymim · 14/01/2025 21:52

To come at it from a different angle, several of my friends in their late 30s/early 40s now say that as much as they love their children, if they could go back in time they'd stay child free.

I've heard this so many times in the last 10 years. I didn't have children for several reasons including medical reasons so I wonder if friends seek me out as a sounding board.

But of my large friendship group it's been overwhelming to hear how many people regret it. They love their children but say if they'd known what it actually meant they would not have had kids.

Feel free to all slate me and call me a liar, I do not mind because I know I'm not lying,

Kendodd · 14/01/2025 21:54

I would second not dismissing men so easily. Also, I get not wanting a donor baby, have you thought about adoption though? And does a dating site exist that is very clear, people on it are looking for marriage and children so you can have those conversations straight away with dates?

Shubbypubby · 14/01/2025 22:30

Less than 10% of men is a lot. Are you actually reading profiles? Pictures don't really capture a lot about a person and I don't think you can experience true attraction through a picture. Try upping it to 20-30% and have a read of their profiles.

Original poster
sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 22:40

I've already explained why I won't go down the donor route, I CAN'T afford it. This is why I am fretting, as I time is getting on fast and I'm not meeting someone. I think I went on about 2 dates a month last year. And none of them worked out. Not only am I worrying about my fertility being on the decline, it actually been quite hurtful to my mental health and I definitely feel less confident in my abilities to attract someone after so long being single

Adoption also wouldn't work for me as I always wanted to experience being pregnant and carrying my own child.

OP posts:
PickettyPick · 14/01/2025 22:47

Would it be unethical to select a potential sperm donor on OLD and have a one night stand? That would get round the financial
barrier

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2025 22:54

PickettyPick · 14/01/2025 22:47

Would it be unethical to select a potential sperm donor on OLD and have a one night stand? That would get round the financial
barrier

Yes. Yes it would. Also a big risk of STDs. I assume you’re joking.

LittleMonks11 · 14/01/2025 22:59

I was you. Met husband (OD) at 35, engaged at 36, married at 37, sprog at 40. Don't give up your dream of being a mother. Best to you.

netflixfan · 14/01/2025 23:06

Are you a member of a church? If not, find a lovely friendly church with people your age. Love will blossom.

netflixfan · 14/01/2025 23:07

And marriage.
Also, volunteer for some thing where there are people your age.

girljulian · 14/01/2025 23:09

If what you really want is a child, more than a relationship, I would echo previous posters and say do IVF now. I know several women who've had donor babies and are so delighted with them. And I know that I personally was already in the danger zone fertility-wise when I was 30, let alone 35.

callmebuffy · 14/01/2025 23:13

I met my DH at 34 after feeling like you did and my previous dating life was bleaker than yours.

We had our baby when I was 39 and he is now 12.

We did meet online but that was earlier days of online dating, no swiping. Not sure I could do it now.

I have met a load of new people in recent years though, which if I was single would be a good start... Met via hobby, being on a committee, volunteering and most of all walking my dog. Dogs open doors that other hobbies do not and are good for meeting new people and if single, who knows!

It's not over for you.

adviceneeded1990 · 14/01/2025 23:14

Presuming you are UK, have you looked into going abroad for donor IUI or IVF? It’s thousands cheaper to do it yourself in other European countries.

Elizo · 14/01/2025 23:29

sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 19:22

I have just turned 35 and feeling so low. I have always wanted children and a family, its always been my life goal. And I just feel it slipping away all the time, everytime I download an app, go on a date, every birthday. 🙁

I have always been unlucky in love. my last relationship ended 8 years ago when he broke things off with me, we had only been together a year and he felt he should have been having stronger feelings than he did. And that's it, nothing since then.

I tried all through my late twenties and early thirties to find a relationship, going on multiple dates from Online Dating but nothing working out. A lot of the time just because the men turned out to have issues so i'd call things off but sometimes because they didn't want to see me again and made their excuses.

The dating pool is getting very shallow and I probably swipe left on less than 10%. Its terrible. I've tried increasing age ranges, location ranges but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

But i'm panicking that i've really missed the boat in achieving my life dream and I can't shake the sadness sometimes.

I was hoping to hear from people who were in my position at 35 and went on to find their person after a long long time single and have a baby. I can't imagine life without having a baby and I feel that is going to become a reality and im scared.

Not in a position to freeze my eggs financially.

Several close friends use donors. If you really want children consider this. You may well meet someone, but there are other options

feelingalittlehorse · 14/01/2025 23:33

OP, I don’t really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I hear ya, and I fully sympathise. It’s really bloody difficult, especially when you are surrounded by seemingly everyone in a couple or with a baby.

Anyway, solidarity. And sending you lots of best wishes 💐

girljulian · 14/01/2025 23:35

adviceneeded1990 · 14/01/2025 23:14

Presuming you are UK, have you looked into going abroad for donor IUI or IVF? It’s thousands cheaper to do it yourself in other European countries.

It's also not as expensive even in the UK as you might think -- like, get a credit card with a £5k limit and that'd cover it.

ClairDeLaLune · 14/01/2025 23:44

My friend met her DH when she was about your age, possibly older, and went on to have 2 kids. Still happily married 15 years on. She dumped her previous fiancé when she was well into her 30s which I thought was really brave of her.

TheQuietestSpace · 14/01/2025 23:56

IUIs with donor sperm aren't crazy money. Especially abroad. You sound like you've sworn off men so maybe stop rejecting donor outright and have a proper look.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/01/2025 00:09

You say you can’t afford to freeze eggs - this is around £5k

children are a lot more costly

so how do you think you will cope /provide for your child if can’t save £5k

Oodiks · 15/01/2025 00:13

Do you want a child or a relationship? I knew I wanted a child and compromised on a relationship so that I could have that child. The relationship went from bad to worse as the child grew, we eventually split up and he is estranged from our child. In retrospect, I wish I'd just 'gotten pregnant' and taken responsibility for the child on my own.

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/01/2025 00:13

girljulian · 14/01/2025 23:09

If what you really want is a child, more than a relationship, I would echo previous posters and say do IVF now. I know several women who've had donor babies and are so delighted with them. And I know that I personally was already in the danger zone fertility-wise when I was 30, let alone 35.

IVF isn't necessarily the solution. IUI with donor sperm Isn’t as costly.

But think it through. A friend of mine hit 40 with no long-term relationship, and decided to go it alone. Got pregnant on the first IUI session. Anonymous donor sperm.

Well, the child is 17 now and has massive special needs. He may never be able to live independently and she is frantic as she has no siblings or other family. Meanwhile the situation has adversely affected her career, her finances, her health and fitness. She's never had more that two dates with any man, despite being pretty, upbeat and pleasant.

She loves her son dearly but envies her friends who stayed childfree.

Oodiks · 15/01/2025 00:16

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/01/2025 00:13

IVF isn't necessarily the solution. IUI with donor sperm Isn’t as costly.

But think it through. A friend of mine hit 40 with no long-term relationship, and decided to go it alone. Got pregnant on the first IUI session. Anonymous donor sperm.

Well, the child is 17 now and has massive special needs. He may never be able to live independently and she is frantic as she has no siblings or other family. Meanwhile the situation has adversely affected her career, her finances, her health and fitness. She's never had more that two dates with any man, despite being pretty, upbeat and pleasant.

She loves her son dearly but envies her friends who stayed childfree.

Show quote history

And if she hadn't had the child, she'd still be regretting it.

Grass being greener, &c.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/01/2025 00:24

sadsingleton · 14/01/2025 21:12

Thanks for the stories, but there won't be a donor baby, as everyone is suggesting. As as I said in my OP for financial reasons, I couldn't afford a donor or to freeze my eggs.

No man, no baby I guess :(

Edited

I'm very glad you aren't going down the donor baby route as I think that is so incredibly selfish for the poor children born without a chance of knowing their fathers. I was in a slightly different position than you. I was 32 and I called it a day with my ex because I knew he wasn't in the position to start a family and I was ready. I met my now husband online 3 months later and my last baby was born at 38, conceived naturally and no issues. You do have time. 35 is not old. I'm not saying you should lower your standards but try dating the lad or the marvel geek. Just date with the aim to have fun... you never know who you might make the connection with. And if you do meet someone you think you could get serious with I'd tell him the truth early on: that you wouldn't want to wait too long for kids. I think I said this to my husband on the 4th or 5th date and he still teases me about it. Good luck... I hope 2025 is your year! X