Feel like i'll never get the chance to have a baby

[sadsingleton]

I have just turned 35 and feeling so low. I have always wanted children and a family, its always been my life goal. And I just feel it slipping away all the time, everytime I download an app, go on a date, every birthday. 🙁

I have always been unlucky in love. my last relationship ended 8 years ago when he broke things off with me, we had only been together a year and he felt he should have been having stronger feelings than he did. And that's it, nothing since then.

I tried all through my late twenties and early thirties to find a relationship, going on multiple dates from Online Dating but nothing working out. A lot of the time just because the men turned out to have issues so i'd call things off but sometimes because they didn't want to see me again and made their excuses.

The dating pool is getting very shallow and I probably swipe left on less than 10%. Its terrible. I've tried increasing age ranges, location ranges but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

But i'm panicking that i've really missed the boat in achieving my life dream and I can't shake the sadness sometimes.

I was hoping to hear from people who were in my position at 35 and went on to find their person after a long long time single and have a baby. I can't imagine life without having a baby and I feel that is going to become a reality and im scared.

Not in a position to freeze my eggs financially.

This is perfect.
Also to places men go on their own.
So join a cycling and running club.
Who are your local football team? Go if you have any interest at all. Go on your own, you will be easy to approach.
Volunteer at your homeless centre if you have that interest.
Don't waste your time doing stuff that men don't do, so no choirs, sea water swimming, book clubs.
Speak to every man you see, in shop queues, at work, your tradesmen. Wishing you well.
I met my husband in the park on my own when some random lad types asked me to join their five aside as a joke. I did. And here we are.

I was where you are when I was 35. Online dating was brutal and tedious and I even tried to settle for a couple of guys who were really not doing it for me, it ended badly for both them and me. . Then I moved jobs and countries and met my husband the old-fashioned way, on a night out with mutual friends. He’s a few years younger than me. It was total luck and could so easily have not happened, but all I will say is that really shaking up your life can sometimes be the way to go. We got married when i was 40, having met when I was 37.

I admit my priority was a relationship (marriage if I’m really honest) rather than a baby but we realised that we did want a child too and DS was born when I was 42 - we did have to have IVF due to my age, though we were able to use my own eggs. I don’t regret waiting as our relationship had to have a solid foundation and we had lots of fun we wanted to have together, but we definitely took it to the wire and were lucky! We only have one child but that suits us both perfectly. He’s 8 now and we live back in the UK again (husband is British).

I do, however, have several friends who did not find the right person to have children with. We’re all professional women in our early fifties now. Two married in their mid forties: one married a divorcé with adult children, another a widower with adult children. Both are happy, very much so, but one has more regrets than the other about not having had kids. A third is single and has lots of interests but never talks about how she feels and we know not to ask.

Best of luck.

Me and my DH have two children, who were very much wanted and are ridiculously loved. They’re amazing children and I adore them.

However, me and DH often sit and muse over what our lives would be like if we were child-free and all the wonderful things we would do with our time.

If given my time again I would probably opt for a child free life, not because I don’t love my children, but because it can’t be underestimated how much of your life they consume. I would love to give being child free a go and experience all the freedom and opportunities that accompany that life choice.

However, attitudes like this generally only come from hindsight.

As I said, I don’t regret having my children at all, but I can absolutely see why choosing to not have children can lead to a completely different and amazing life.

I felt the same and met my partner at 39. I was very upfront that trying for a baby was important to me and that we’d need to start sharpish. I was pregnant within 6 months of us meeting and our baby turned one recently. It’s had its ups and downs having a baby with someone when we didn’t know each other as well as I’d have liked but it felt right. And I knew I could manage financially and practically my own if it didn’t.

Before meeting him I’d been looking at IVF/sperm donors. I’m actually really glad I didn’t because the emotional impact and exhaustion of having a newborn took much more of a toll than I expected (and I thought I was well informed from fostering previously and speaking to lots of other parents).

My thoughts are that you either want a child or you don’t and if you do you might need to let go of finding a partner and do it yourself. Even if you find a partner you could end up a single parent.

I would be considering adoption or a sperm donor. Or is fostering an option? You said you couldn’t afford a sperm donor so im assuming you wouldn’t be able to support a child on your own, which wouldn’t necessarily rule out fostering.

What the fuck? Yes that's unethical. It's essentially rape?!

I was single and didn't have a long term relationship lasting more than 3 years since my mid-twenties. I had years of crap dates and my plan was to have a baby with a sperm donor once I hit 35.
I ended up meeting my now husband via friends and we got together. Started ttc at 34 and have spent the last 7 years having recurrent miscarriages and ivf, which ultimately hasn't worked and we're now navigating living life childfree. I'm nearly 42 and feel I'm only just starting my life properly, focusing on what's important to me. But we are solid and it has brought us closer and stronger, which isn't always the case.

The reason I'm sharing is, you never know how life is going to turn out. What gives you joy and pleasure, are you happy with other areas of your life?

This!!

Im sorry OP but your responses come across very defeatist… you say you’re struggling to do xyz but not willing to bend..

Also, from what I’ve seen, dating apps are 90% people looking for a hook up, not a serious relationship.

there are many ways to have a baby (without a partner) but if you’re not willing then it won’t happen.
sometimes you have to make things happen - save that money, got on a finance plan, etc.
it sounds to me you want it all and won’t settle for anything less, which I get. But life isn’t that simple.. I’m sorry to say.

If it was consensual sex then it would be no shape or form comparable to rape. That comment is an insult to real victims of rape to be honest. Every single man knows how babies are made and if they choose not to use protection then it's their own fault.

It's unethical only in the sense that it would be extremely difficult for the OP to go into single motherhood and possibly unfair for the child to come into the world in those circumstances. But a man who willingly has unprotected intercourse and is shocked the woman is pregnant doesn't deserve a shred of pity. (And this doesn't even touch on the STD/HIV issue)

When I did ivf I saved the first cycle - 2nd my parents for bless them helped me - 3rd was think a loan and awful paying it back after failed - 4&5 a mixture of credit card - saving - overdraft - overtime etx

time was running out for me and spent a lot lot more than £5k

so to me if @sadsingleton really wants a baby then egg freezing is something she needs to seriously think about

and how to save for that whether loans overtime etx

Have a baby on your own.

Relationships are a whole other kettle of fish.

Half of all couples with kids split anyway.

There are lots of pros in being a single mum.

I thought this tbh, maybe they do regret having children but how much of that is lack of time/lack of support network/overwhelm speaking

tbh essentially what you want is to be reassured that your current plan is fine and everything will work out in the end, but have you considered that it might… not? Yes people meet and have babies later but your fertility takes a massive nose dive at 35, look at the facts/statistics rather than the experiences of strangers. you need to decide what the priority is for you and work towards it rather than basically having a pity party and dismissing every suggestion given.

I don't think.youte lying, but I do think your friends were trying to make you feel better and you've probably exaggerated that in your own mind.

35 is nothing. Keeping looking and save up for IVF using donor sperm in the mean time- presumably you have a job and can save up for IUI or IVF? It’s not as much as you think, especially IUI. Don't get too obsessed with the success rates as there are obviously a lot of people struggling with fertility. If you aren’t, then your chance of success is higher, obviously. Saying that, I wouldn’t waste my money freezing my eggs.
But, I think you want the whole package. I don’t think you want to be a single parent. Or you’d be finding ways to afford fertility treatment with a donor. I sold everything.

I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'd say there's limited space to give a good overview of yourself on dating apps. Why not have a first date with someone who doesn't completely match what you want? I mean, I met my husband in a pub, he has plenty of interests that bore me to tears but I didn't know them up front. He's also not enamored of many of my interests if I'm honest!

Good luck whatever you choose. Maybe I'm reading into your posts too much but I feel like there's almost a bit of a sense of self-sabotage. You sound defeated and depressed.

how often do you go out and socialise?

have you though about joining any activity hobby groups that are mixed? climbing, run club.

online dating and apps isn't working so stop focusing on it. if you enjoy music wrangle a mate and go to some live events.

unfortunately if you want to take an active hand in meeting some you have to make the effort. Look nice, smell nice, engage in small talk with strangers and don't write people off without actually knowing them.

ask friends in relationships if their spouses have mates they can think of, organise gatherings at yours. actively dating is effort. swiping takes the effort out and lets thing you don't have to do anything but send constant boring texts without any context for personality.

I suppose what crossed my mind was the question do you want a partner or do you really want a baby?

If what you really want is a baby (and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that) then you might not be very available to make space in your life to be someone's partner.

Are you mainly thinking about wanting to share your life and space with a man- and all the compromises that might involve? The companionship, sex life, support, shared interests as well as all the annoyances and irritations?

Or are you really thinking about being pregnant and having a little baby of your own?

The two are quite different things, really.

If it's the latter you really want then it could explain what the former doesn't seem to be happening for you.

There is research on this and yes, the parents who regret having children are overwhelmingly those with other related issues such as lack of support/ shit partner etc.

I really feel for you OP. I have a colleague the same age in the same position and she is always saying that she matches with either younger men who are in no hurry to have a baby which doesn’t work for her, or older men who have already done the kids thing so don’t want anymore, or men the same age who don’t want a family or who again already have young kids and don’t want anymore, it is a really tricky age to find someone who wants exactly what you want in the timeframe you want it.

I do understand those saying donor but honestly you’d have to be extremely financially stable for that to be viable. I have a good job with a good maternity package in comparison to others but I couldn’t have afforded to have a child on my own even if I really wanted to, I couldn’t have afforded to buy everything a baby needs, everything I need, pay my bills etc on maternity leave without my husband supporting us financially. I also couldn’t afford to go back to work & then pay for nursery all on one salary, it wouldn’t have left me with enough to fund our household on only one wage. So while it is an option, it’s not one that many people could afford to do unless they had a lot of financial or practical support from elsewhere.

As hard as it is you may need to start to accept that your life isn't going to look the way you imagined and want. Once you've accepted this you have some contrrol back in that you can choose what is or isn't your priority over the next few years rather than waking up in 5 years time feeling like you wish you'd made proactive choices to influence your future. Is your compromise that you probably don't have children and keep searching for Mr Right? Do you decide a man with children already is a good route to having a family unit? Do you give it a year to find Mr might-be-right and have a baby asap? Is it that you compromise time and work more hours/second job to afford to have a baby alone? Is it that you explore adoption as your most viable route to being a parent? None of these are right or wrong for every person, and it's an incredibly tough reality to square up to, but I've been on the receiving end of the conversation at 36 to be told my fertilile years are behind me, as have several friends some of whom are absolutely broken that they left it too late for the baby when really that was their most important life goal, so I would always wish you well and the courage to take as much control back as you can for how you can shape the next few years based on the reality in front of you now.

ps I'll just say that marrying a nerd (more of a toned down big bang theory kind than a still lives in mom's attic and can't work the oven at 40 kind though!) definately has it's advantages. Granted he can talk at length about topics which bore me senseless and I don't think he'd be able to work a single machine in the gym, but he's loyal, very bright and engaging, as a result of having niche interests and intellegence earns well above average so we have a good quality of life, he has no interest in nights in the pub or drugs etc, he's a fantastic and engaged dad, has a huge heart and is very kind to friends, family, animals, volunteers etc, he can mend anything and he has really interesting ideas and perspectives. No he's not instagram flashy but he has good values (no doubt honed from all those good over evil moral stories within the comics he read growing up!).

@VikingsandDragons does he have an older brother /friend - sounds perfect for me - I mean the op

Sounds like you're writing men off too quickly without getting to know them.