Feel like i'll never get the chance to have a baby

[sadsingleton]

I have just turned 35 and feeling so low. I have always wanted children and a family, its always been my life goal. And I just feel it slipping away all the time, everytime I download an app, go on a date, every birthday. 🙁

I have always been unlucky in love. my last relationship ended 8 years ago when he broke things off with me, we had only been together a year and he felt he should have been having stronger feelings than he did. And that's it, nothing since then.

I tried all through my late twenties and early thirties to find a relationship, going on multiple dates from Online Dating but nothing working out. A lot of the time just because the men turned out to have issues so i'd call things off but sometimes because they didn't want to see me again and made their excuses.

The dating pool is getting very shallow and I probably swipe left on less than 10%. Its terrible. I've tried increasing age ranges, location ranges but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

But i'm panicking that i've really missed the boat in achieving my life dream and I can't shake the sadness sometimes.

I was hoping to hear from people who were in my position at 35 and went on to find their person after a long long time single and have a baby. I can't imagine life without having a baby and I feel that is going to become a reality and im scared.

Not in a position to freeze my eggs financially.

My ex ended our 2 year relationship when I was 35.5yrs. I felt very upset at the time that I'd wasted those years with him and that I probably wouldn't be in a relationship again (previous to him I'd been pretty much single since a serious relationship in my early 20s, so I'm not someone who found meeting a partner easy). But I actually met my now partner of 10 years just before my 36th birthday, and had a baby in my early 40s.

You have time so don't rush into a relationship for the sake of it. Be open to meeting lots of people but don't waste time dating someone whose goals and values don't align with yours. I thought 35 was so old and now it seems so incredibly young!

@Oodiks

But she'd be regretting it while enjoying a better career, world travel, decent nights sleep, a secure retirement, and all the other things she's had to sacrifice.

I believe her when she says it was a huge mistake. Plus the poor kid is traumatized by never knowing his father.

There are options and payment plans- have you looked into it? I wouldn't write it off fur financial reasons.

He'll have been in charge of his own dick and his choices about putting a condom on it.

How much is it for sperm donation line? I've never thought about this before, they make it look easy in movies

I was single for about 10 years before I met my now DH at 36. We had 2 kids before I turned 40. He's 9 years younger than me and I wouldn't have considered him my type because of age mostly but also we don't really share interests. We just got on after hanging out at work. We're on the same wave length and now share interests of house, garden and kids and compromise on the other stuff.

I dated from 18 - 38 and had given up. Met ds' dad at 43, fell pregnant at 44.5.

The relationship failed after 5 years but DS is wonderful and we co-parenting effectively. Or rather, I parent and he acts like a Disney granddad but I can cope with that.

You still have time.

This.

While I eventually didn't need a donor, my DS (and all dcs) cost thousands to raise. The price of a donor is small change compared to the thousands spent on raising a child.

Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and do it !

but the men are just not my type. I am not after a geezer or 'lad' but also not after the marvel nerd

If your "type" was working for you then you would be married/in long term relationship with children.

The algorithms on online dating apps/sites are deliberately designed to keep you from meeting the most men you would get on with. They also screw around with people's height and can screw around with people's age. If possible log on as a man to see how your profile comes up. Then alter your profile a bit, and make sure you are going for both younger and older men. (Get help from someone if necessary.)

Then give some of the "lad" and "marvel nerds" who you are matched with a chance by going on coffee dates with some of them. Men, in general, tend to be crap at profile writing. So make contact with a few and if after a week of chatting they won't meet up with you for coffee then block and move on. Have a proper date only if you get on with them.

Also start talking to random adult strangers regardless of their age and sex daily when you go out if you don't do so. That way you learn to be more approachable and how to talk to men without seeming desperate.

If you have a choice of working hybrid then go into the office more.

Then every time someone invites you out for a social event say "Yes" even if that social event is going down the pub. Then talk to people you don't know at that social event.

Let your good friends and any relatives you get on with know you are interested in meeting someone. If they suggest someone just go on a date with them. If it doesn't work be honest about it to them and thank them. I have friends and acquaintances who are long term married with kids because they told people they wanted a boyfriend. (Some of the men are younger than them.)

If you are serious about meeting someone then you need to meet people both on and off-line.

@CandlesAndCrystals Well it depends how 'proactive' the PP was about getting pregnant. It's possible to tamper with a condom...

Anyway, OP I was 36 when I met DH and I write this just over 5 years later as I feed our 7 month old.

I was single for about 4 years before I met him and likewise dated a lot. My only advice would be not to rule out the 'lads' or the 'geeks' on the strength of a few words on a dating profile.

I'm not trying to catch you out or anything OP, just trying to understand...how are you determining whether they're a geek or a lad and what's so bad about it?
I get not wanting a sleezy ladies man, but are you categorising them thusly after you've met them or talked to them for a bit or basing it off profiles?

My DH (met online!) is a geek, but our family is his priority, he has a well paying job and pulls his weight around the house without complaint or prompt. He is easy to love because he is good at loving us. There were definitely more appealing profiles than his, but I just viewed it as trying to get to know different people and seeing what clicks. It wasn't instant butterflies but there was an attraction there and we chatted the night away. I think it was also hugely helpful to find that we have very similar values and outlook in life, although our personalities couldn't be more different.

What's important to you in a man/in a relationship?

Kindly OP, if your ideal scenario isn't on the table, you need to work out what is most important out of the ideal.

If a relationship is most important, you've got all the time in the world.

If being pregnant and having a newborn is important, save like mad until you can afford to have a baby alone with donor sperm .

If having a child is most important, get into the adoption process.

What jumped out at me, and I may be wrong, is you saying you desperately want to have a baby. Well babies don't stay babies, they are children for much longer and then adults much longer after that, and you're their parent for all of it. The baby bit is not the main part. Full disclosure, I adopted as a single person, I missed the new born bit but my children are my babies forever, though I didn't meet my oldest til they were nearly 5.

Edited- deleted random emoji

Yes it would

I didn't want to say this while op was down but yeah I'd really start saving if this is your plan to have a child

Because she also wants a wealthy husband to go with it!

I met my DH at 35. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. No fertility issues.

two things:
firstly, friends said that I didn’t give men a chance, so I decided that I would ‘ give men a chance’ to prove them wrong. It was a mindset change, and I met my DH shortly after. I gave him a chance, and he took it!

Secondly, never-married women with no children are the happiest cohort in society from their 50s onward. ( divorced women with children the lowest), so bear in mind that whatever happens, be true to yourself and how things work out will be the right thing for you.

Because many people pay for life as they go along. I didn't have 5k+ in the bank when we got married. We both worked, we saved, we cut out cloth accordingly - the pram was a few hundred not a grand like my rich mate had, we holiday in the UK etc. That doesn't make us inferior as parents

I have a close friend who could have written your post a year ago. She had really struggled with relationships for most of her life. I had her on the end of the phone in tears so many times that she would never have a family.

She's now in a very solid relationship with a guy and they have recently moved in together. I won't be surprised if they start trying soon or already have. She's 36.

It can happen, just put yourself out there, start going to loads of groups and hobbies etc, and also make an effort to keep yourself fit and active so that if you do get pregnant in your late 30's your body will cope OK.

I would understand why you wouldn’t want someone laddish but do not over look nerds.

@TheAntisocialButterfly Seems like we are married to similar types. I was only his second GF when I started to date him at 29. He had spent his years with his nose in a book or playing hockey, rowing for his college and travelling. He is the sort of DH that is enviable, like yours good job, good with chores, caring.

What do you want? and I do not mean, height, money and good temperament. What do you actually like doing? DH and I have some hobbies that align, we love hiking, video games, monitoring markets, current affairs and other stuff crosses over and we have other interests that are apart.

The BF I had before my DH met a good friend of mine, I had known her since a teenager. We were all 29/30, she was a really attractive woman, very clever, great background, funny, amazing cook, thoughtful, had travelled and had stories to tell.She was a far better person on paper than I could ever be. He said she gave off an air of desperation and it was obvious why she couldn’t get a BF as it was off putting. I was a bit taken aback. We can talk as much as we like as women but I suppose asking the actual half of the species we are trying to attract could be helpful, just like we hope they listen to us.

I agree. Being stuck with a man who is a pita is no fun

OP this was my situation EXACTLY! Like you, the only thing I really wanted in life was a happy relationship and children. I turned 35 and had been single for nearly 10 years, been online dating for about seven years and only went on a handful of dates with guys who I had no intention of wanting to see again! I was completely convinced that it would never happen and there was no one out there for me. Three months after my 35th birthday, I went on a first date with someone from Hinge and I knew he was the one, I messaged my best friends in our group chat that night to tell them I was in love! Four years later we have a house, a dog, a 14 month old baby boy and a little girl on the way! It only takes that one special person and just wanted to let you know that I had well and truly given up hope too, and it happened. Please don't give up, I know so many people who met their partners and had children later in life!

I have a friend who has basically this same story. I understand OP that at this point you feel it will never happen but it's not too late for you x

I can't imagine you're lying but I do wonder how old the kids are when parents feel like this, and how much is down to a shit partner. And whilst I imagine if I was child free I'd have more money (better career), more freedom, more sex, more sleep and more travel, I can't actually know what life would be like if I'd taken a different path. There will also be their counterparts who didn't have kids and wished they did.

I do think part of the issue op is you're looking for a specific guy. Not laddish, not geeky, not this, not that. I'd say swipe yes more, have chats and get to know them a little. They might be idiots, you've only wasted a few chats. But DH is a Marvel Geek who was single into his mid 30s. He's also a great husband and Dad, was absolutely on board with a speedy time line, and 12 years, one wedding and 3 kids later I'm glad I stuck around on our awkward first date

You cant have everything in life. That's not how life works. If you really want a baby then do donor insemination. It isn't very expensive, or go the unethical route and trap a guy into getting you pregnant.
If you aren't prepared to save up a couple of hundred quid for a donor insemination then you obviously don't want a baby that much.

I suspect that you are like a few other people I know and you feel like life is a list of achievements to tick off. Home ownership, long term relationship, marriage, babies. That is insta/social media and not real life.
Maybe some therapy (not counselling) might be helpful? It would at the very least give you a space to be able to really work out what is important in life for you and work towards those goals.