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Original poster

Why is MIL offended

100 replies

Poppinpop · 14/01/2025 11:46

Hope someone can see the situation more objectively than me. If we have upset her I really want to put it right but not sure what could have been done differently.

MIL seems ‘off’ with DH, just quiet with him.

We last properly saw her on Christmas Eve for a coffee. She was 30 minutes later than we arranged to meet. We saw her crossing the retail park car park and going into a shop, whilst we were sitting waiting for her in the coffee shop. I waved out the window but pretty sure she pretended not to see.

When she finally came into the coffee shop, it meant we could only stay 20 minutes as baby was cranky and then due a feed. We were supposed to go round for Boxing Day but her husband had come down with flu, so she rang us and said it would be best to stay away and that we should catch up in the new year. She was away on holiday 1-5th Jan and did not contact us to see how we or DC were doing in that time. We messaged her but didn’t get a reply, which is fine, assumed she was busy which can happen on holiday.

She messaged us last week to ask if she could pop over the following day. We said yes, the afternoon works. She didn’t turn up with no explanation and text that evening saying ‘can’t wait to see you tomorrow’. I replied to say, oops sorry MIL, we were around today but tomorrow it’s a pretty busy day and we have classes. DH will be at home though’.

She didn’t reply and turned up unannounced to see DH. They had a coffee and catch up and he said she looked very disappointed the whole time and kept repeating that she was hoping to see the baby.

We have called her today and she seems very quiet. It feels as though we have upset her but I am not sure how. It feels just circumstantial that we haven’t caught up much over the past few weeks?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppinpop · 14/01/2025 11:47

I will add she also said they’re still not feeling too well so wouldn’t be able to meet anyway right now.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 14/01/2025 11:49

Couldn't be bothered wasting my time figuring out why a grown woman is sulking. If she can't communicate then that's her problem.

Christmasgiraffe · 14/01/2025 11:52

If she's offended, it's her own doing. I can't see anywhere you have done anything wrong. You told her when you were available and she didn't show up to your agreed meeting. If anything, you should be offended!

stayathomegardener · 14/01/2025 12:01

I would be worried about her cognition personally, she clearly wants to see you but isn't managing to achieve this.

Possibly a uti or brain fog post covid. My Mum's dementia started like this.

MyNewLife2025 · 14/01/2025 12:08

stayathomegardener · 14/01/2025 12:01

I would be worried about her cognition personally, she clearly wants to see you but isn't managing to achieve this.

Possibly a uti or brain fog post covid. My Mum's dementia started like this.

Agree there.
Esp as they’re still not feeling well.

Id keep communication open, and keep checking on her/them.

Also don’t automatically think that if someone is off, it’s your fault!

Gazelda · 14/01/2025 12:13

don’t automatically think that if someone is off, it’s your fault!

Good advice.

Don't take it personally, I can't see that you've done anything wrong. It's probably just crossed wires, seasonal blues, missing the baby and prolonged recovery from being unwell.

Keep touching base. See if you can arrange to catch up over the weekend. If they're germ free, lots of hugs and cuddles with the baby (if baby enjoys cuddles).

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/01/2025 12:13

Don’t pander to sulking.

she either needs to communicate or get over whatever it is.

paranoiaofpufflings · 14/01/2025 12:14

Have you tried asking her what's wrong?

Rather than jump straight to her being offended - all sorts of other things could be going on in her life. You won't know unless you ask. She may be unwell, unhappy, worried, busy.

But it also sounds like perhaps she's not been included much in your and the baby's life and she doesn't know how to navigate it.
You were only meeting her for a coffee over Christmas, not a Christmas dinner or more? She wanted to pop over and was disappointed not to see the baby (of course!), was something else arranged or she just left disappointed?

arcticpandas · 14/01/2025 12:16

Can it be cognitive decline ? Does she seem lost, has a hard time finding words?

Or she's just sulking because you're not mindreaders. In this case let her have her time out alone.

SallyWD · 14/01/2025 12:17

Maybe she's a little out of sorts. I think I'd have to sit her down and ask if everything's OK. Explain you have the feeling that she's upset or not her usual self and see what she says.

southisbest · 14/01/2025 12:19

If these situations are unbiased and truly as they were, I would be concerned about her cognition.
It sounds as if her attention is easily swayed, and her time-keeping is off, as it seems she's getting forgetful regarding days and times and that they have been suggested for a good reason.
Keep monitoring her, see her more often, see if it persists.
If she's 'quiet' she must know too that something is up with her.

pikkumyy77 · 14/01/2025 12:21

F

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 14/01/2025 12:22

Why do you assume offended?

The getting the afternoon of the visit wrong doesn’t sound ‘offended’.

Is she deeply worried or distracted by something? Did her DH really have flu? What shop did she go to when you saw her at the car park?

She might have a health issue or marriage issue that she doesn’t know how to talk to you about? Or be feeling just unwell and exhausted.

I would say it feels as if she hasn’t been herself recently and you are wondering if she is ok.

Festschriften · 14/01/2025 12:24

Like pps, I don't see why you're assuming she'd 'offended'. If the lateness and getting the day wrong, plus the not noticing you waving from the cafe window are out of character, I'd be checking in with her to see if she's all right, stressed, or experiencing confusion of memory loss.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/01/2025 12:41

What did she say when she sat with DH. I think he should be contacting her to see how she is and if she wants to visit to see the baby.
Is she often "miffed"? or is this out of character.
I came to accept that whatever I did, MIL would find fault or a reason to complain about me, so I've come to expect this as standard so I've stopped feeling hurt or worrying about it and I let DH do all the talking and arrangements now. I'd have dearly loved to have a better relationship with her, but it was not to be. It's her loss.

Ellie1015 · 14/01/2025 12:44

Christmas eve at retail park is stressful, expect she was hurrying to get last min gifts.

Unwell and cancelling boxing day is unfortunate but right thing to do. Holiday booked.

She probably just a bit disappointed she hasnt mamaged to catch up with you, dh and dc over Christmas and looking forward to seeing little one especially. I expect she is annoyed at herself for messing up dates.

Or maybe there is a bigger issue she is dealing with if bot normally flakey.

You and dh have done nothing wrong so assume her low mood is nothing to do with you.

TammyJones · 14/01/2025 12:45

stayathomegardener · 14/01/2025 12:01

I would be worried about her cognition personally, she clearly wants to see you but isn't managing to achieve this.

Possibly a uti or brain fog post covid. My Mum's dementia started like this.

Even going back to the coffee shop incident mil seems to be getting times and dates muddled up.
Sounds like something is going on with her memory / mental state.

MyDeepZebra · 14/01/2025 12:48

I wouldn't assume she's offended. I think something else is going on as she's making mistakes and getting muddled up. I'd approach it in as caring a way as possible, she could be unwell or struggling emotionally in some way.

BarbaraHoward · 14/01/2025 12:53

Was it the baby's first Christmas? She probably imagined spending more time with her grandchild than a quick coffee in a retail park on Christmas Eve and is feeling a bit gutted. Sounds like it can't be helped if she was ill and then away but she's probably missing him terribly.

Definitely keep an eye, but make an effort to see her with the baby and hopefully she'll perk up.

MyIvyGrows · 14/01/2025 12:57

Agree with others - if she’s not got form for being narky and moody, I’d be a bit worried. If she’s a confirmed sulker / stonewaller then leave it until she gets in touch herself.

MissyB1 · 14/01/2025 13:00

My first thought was she’s getting confused and making mistakes, if this is unusual then you and dh need to make sure she’s ok.

MyDeepZebra · 14/01/2025 13:01

I have to say though, if my MIL hadn't seen my baby for more than 20 mins over the Christmas period through no fault of her own, I would have made an effort to miss at least one of the baby classes. Family is more important.

ClickClickety · 14/01/2025 13:05

stayathomegardener · 14/01/2025 12:01

I would be worried about her cognition personally, she clearly wants to see you but isn't managing to achieve this.

Possibly a uti or brain fog post covid. My Mum's dementia started like this.

That was my first thought. Even without dementia people can get muddled more as they age. OP should try not to think it’s personal.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 14/01/2025 13:09

I have found that life goes better when I don't take things personally that probably aren't personal. You haven't done anything wrong so why would she be upset with you? I'd be more concerned that she's ill or worrying about something serious she doesn't want to discuss with you or your DH.

Normallynumb · 14/01/2025 13:22

I can't see you've done anything wrong
You've made it clear she's welcome
It may be she's still feeling unwell and a bit of brain fog because of that or it may be the start of something more serious
I would feel concerned rather than taking things personally.
I would ring and make light conversation, asking if she's feeling better after her 'flu.
Post Viral Fatigue is a real thing.