Why is MIL offended

[Poppinpop]

Hope someone can see the situation more objectively than me. If we have upset her I really want to put it right but not sure what could have been done differently.

MIL seems ‘off’ with DH, just quiet with him.

We last properly saw her on Christmas Eve for a coffee. She was 30 minutes later than we arranged to meet. We saw her crossing the retail park car park and going into a shop, whilst we were sitting waiting for her in the coffee shop. I waved out the window but pretty sure she pretended not to see.

When she finally came into the coffee shop, it meant we could only stay 20 minutes as baby was cranky and then due a feed. We were supposed to go round for Boxing Day but her husband had come down with flu, so she rang us and said it would be best to stay away and that we should catch up in the new year. She was away on holiday 1-5th Jan and did not contact us to see how we or DC were doing in that time. We messaged her but didn’t get a reply, which is fine, assumed she was busy which can happen on holiday.

She messaged us last week to ask if she could pop over the following day. We said yes, the afternoon works. She didn’t turn up with no explanation and text that evening saying ‘can’t wait to see you tomorrow’. I replied to say, oops sorry MIL, we were around today but tomorrow it’s a pretty busy day and we have classes. DH will be at home though’.

She didn’t reply and turned up unannounced to see DH. They had a coffee and catch up and he said she looked very disappointed the whole time and kept repeating that she was hoping to see the baby.

We have called her today and she seems very quiet. It feels as though we have upset her but I am not sure how. It feels just circumstantial that we haven’t caught up much over the past few weeks?

Sounds like she is getting confused with days and times of arrangements. Maybe not off with you in particular but feeling low in mood on general. Could be ill, could be depression, could be cognitive decline. I wouldn't be thinking this was personal, I'd just be concerned for her.

I wouldn’t call meeting a parent in a retail park for 20 minutes properly seeing them. When did you last drive to their home to have lunch or spend a reasonable amount of time together? Clearly your MIL has contributed to this by being late and coming to visit on the wrong day. Once they are properly better, could you invite them for Sunday lunch or go to see them?

If it’s out of character, I’d be concerned about her health or wonder if she’s worried about something that could be distracting her.

When my DDad started with dementia, 99% of what he said made sense and was totally him but he was throwing tea bags out for the birds.

Within nine months he couldn't live on his own. It can be really hard to spot at first.

It's not your job to keep her happy. I had a mother who expected that of me and would sulk for days on end and what you have described would be extremely triggering for me, but I have learned to back off from trying to fix other people, especially sulkers.

From what you've said, I suspect that's got nothing to do with you or anything you did. It's something that's going on with her.

Just be kind until you figure out what's going on.

I've read the other replies so I very much acknowledge that my response is very much biased because of my own situation!

Sounds like sulking to me. I'd stop feeding into it with attention.

Is she disorganised / scatty or just being in a deliberate victim mode? I don't think anyone on here will know but it sounds very strange to turn up all sullen to see your son when you knew the baby wasn't going to be there.

I know my MIL turns up late to try and be controlling. She also tells us ''come whenever!' then gets sulky when we aren't there when she wants us to be.... Some people are just like that.

My OH spent about a year worried she was having some dementia symptoms because her behaviour was similar to this. Our son is nearly 3 now and we've both realised it really is just a side of her we've not seen.

Did you spent an M&S style amazing family Christmas with your parents and post it all over FB but only give her a 20 mins coffee catchup?

If she did it's still not OPs issue because they were supposed to go around on boxing day and MIL cancelled...

Who suggested it was OP's issue?

"She didn’t turn up with no explanation and text that evening saying ‘can’t wait to see you tomorrow’. I replied to say, oops sorry MIL, we were around today but tomorrow it’s a pretty busy day and we have classes. DH will be at home though"

I find that a weird answer. I think it makes sense a/ to check on the first day why is she not there b/ to reply to the evening text with cca We were expecting you ealier today as agreed.

I may be a similar age to your MIL. I can imagine behaving a bit like that. If I did , it would mean I was worried, not necessarily about myself, perhaps you, DS , Grandchild, DH, or something practical.

Otherwise, I've noticed that people get much vaguer about texts and messages as they get older, so it might be nothing.

If she was seriously annoyed or going senile, I would have thought there would maybe be other signs?

Perhaps best to ignore and you may find out what's bothering her. If you've annoyed her, she will likely make a sarky comment before too long?

I find it odd you needed to leave the cafe because baby needed feeding. Surely you knew they need feeding at that time and be prepared to feed them there? I know she was 30 mins late but even then who leaves a 40 min slot to meet someone before they have to leave?

You also say she didn't contact you but did you contact her when she said her DP was ill to check on them?

The last one just sounds like a misunderstanding.

Maybe SHE'S worried she's got dementia! People do worry about this a lot.

Is she pretending not to see your messages?

Hoenstly but who cares? Leave her to it. Put your energy into people who care about you don't turn up late and aren't sulking or huffy

You have done nothing wrong and I wouldn't pander to her or her flakiness either. She was late Xmas eve, didn't reply to texts, cancelled boxing day (understandable), and turned up the wrong day that was arranged. It's all on her.

Communication is two way.

Did you/DH contact her to find out how her unwell husband is - couple of days after BD?

Could it be more than the coffee visit?
Where did you spend Christmas? Was she sad about not seeing you all? Do you have fair and clearly communicated arrangements?

She tells you what the issue is, or you just let her crack on. She’s a grown woman. Dont pander to her.

I also would be querying early dementia. Sounds like she got the time wrong on Christmas Eve and the totally wrong day for most recent visit.

This

She may not be sulking! Ffs- she’s been a bit quiet and a bit forgetful. She could have some health issues, or her husband could , she could be a bit depressed. Sometimes it’s ok to be a bit nice to people we love instead of having them on perpetual probation

In the scenario you describe, it sounds to me she’s possibly going through a very difficult time, and feeling she can’t tell you.

How long has she been with her DP? Could he be abusive or could they be having relationship difficulties? It’s easy to get distracted and forget things if something serious is going on in a relationship.

How’s her health? Could she have received a diagnosis that’s left her reeling and she doesn’t know how to tell you? Is she feeling isolated, lonely and depressed now she’s retired. And would like to be more involved with your family, but doesn’t want to pressure you as she knows how busy you are?

How close is your DP to his mum? Perhaps he should suggest going over to see her on his own, or perhaps meets up with her with the baby, and asks her how she is and what she’s up to. Try to encourage open communication.

How old is your baby? An hour each way isn’t that far for you to travel once a month or so, unless you have specific needs. My mum was an hour away by train and I went up there all the time when mine were babies. Has she seen the baby much since it was born?

Your DP just needs to have an open chat with her. But it may not be anything you’ve done.

I agree with this. I think she is probably wondering why she isn't getting to see her grandchild very much.

I also agree with this. I do wonder about some posters on MN and wonder about how they are in day to day life. There seems to be a real lack of compassion sometimes. In the situation the OP describes I would be wondering if MIL is okay, without assuming I've done anything wrong.