Why is MIL offended

[Poppinpop]

Hope someone can see the situation more objectively than me. If we have upset her I really want to put it right but not sure what could have been done differently.

MIL seems ‘off’ with DH, just quiet with him.

We last properly saw her on Christmas Eve for a coffee. She was 30 minutes later than we arranged to meet. We saw her crossing the retail park car park and going into a shop, whilst we were sitting waiting for her in the coffee shop. I waved out the window but pretty sure she pretended not to see.

When she finally came into the coffee shop, it meant we could only stay 20 minutes as baby was cranky and then due a feed. We were supposed to go round for Boxing Day but her husband had come down with flu, so she rang us and said it would be best to stay away and that we should catch up in the new year. She was away on holiday 1-5th Jan and did not contact us to see how we or DC were doing in that time. We messaged her but didn’t get a reply, which is fine, assumed she was busy which can happen on holiday.

She messaged us last week to ask if she could pop over the following day. We said yes, the afternoon works. She didn’t turn up with no explanation and text that evening saying ‘can’t wait to see you tomorrow’. I replied to say, oops sorry MIL, we were around today but tomorrow it’s a pretty busy day and we have classes. DH will be at home though’.

She didn’t reply and turned up unannounced to see DH. They had a coffee and catch up and he said she looked very disappointed the whole time and kept repeating that she was hoping to see the baby.

We have called her today and she seems very quiet. It feels as though we have upset her but I am not sure how. It feels just circumstantial that we haven’t caught up much over the past few weeks?

@Jabtastic But she's not getting to see grandchild because she is arriving late, cancelling or turning up on the wrong day. How is that any wrong doing on the OP part?

Does your DH visit her on his own? You don’t always have to go together.

I find that people who don’t have children or had them a long time ago, don’t understand that we do things in short time slots with littles.

My MIL (had her children 40 years ago) and my SIL (no children) will both say they’ll meet us somewhere that we’re already going to, park, cafe, etc. or we arrange for them to visit and they’ll be so so late - maybe an hour or more or just don’t turn up at all. I think they think we’ll just be at the place or in the house for hours on end which is just not feasible with little babies/children.

It’s fine, I don’t mind, (another thing we know with little kids is that life/lateness happens 😂) I just carry on with the day, however, they’ve both expressed their feelings to DH that they’re offended.

Then they rock up at meal times and expect to be welcomed for a lengthy visit (that does irk me though 😂)

She might not be “miffed”, she might just be sad?
January is crap.
Take the baby round there to see them one day, stay for lunch and afternoon tea, make a day of it. See if that cheers her up?

Sorry that was a tangent. Maybe in future make sure arrangements and times are clear, including the time you’re leaving for the next part of your day. The shopping before meeting you thing really suggests she thought you’d be there for ages, so clear timings might help.

Is she well? It sounds as though she is getting a bit muddled.

Have you tried saying something to her like "You don't seem yourself, are you okay?"

Have children changed that much in 40 years?

My MIL (had her children 40 years ago) and my SIL (no children) will both say they’ll meet us somewhere that we’re already going to, park, cafe, etc. or we arrange for them to visit and they’ll be so so late - maybe an hour or more or just don’t turn up at all. I think they think we’ll just be at the place or in the house for hours on end which is just not feasible with little babies/children.

I don't understand what isn't feasible now that was 40 years ago?

I also think she's playing you. Trying to flex her muscles and establish herself a bit. Apart from maintaining boundaries and communicating things via text (so you can refer her back to that if she pulls any time or date stunts again) then l wouldn't be doing much. I don't see why you should miss a babies class, especially as l assume you booked and paid for it advance.
Don't feed into the guilt tripping and sulking

I'd just say as a gentle warning that this is how it can start. Confusion of dates and paranoia. I'd never in a million years have considered this at the time, but in hindsight, this is how cognitive decline started with my mother. Honestly, you need to ask her what's up in order to rule this out. Say you've noticed a change and ask her what's up. If she denies anything is wrong, I'd definitely be on the lookout for more signs. I really hope that she does have a reason for her behavior because that is fixable. Good luck.

We all forget things over time. The day to day logistics of having littles doesn’t seem fresh in my MIL’s mind, nor others I’ve spoken to who had children a long time ago.

I wouldn't assume just because they're retired the drive is okay for them to do, it's still a 2hour minimum round trip for them. Nor assume there aren't any cognitive issues, because from what you've said, it seems there are. My MiL used to give my DH the silent treatment, it's narcissistic, control freakery. Problems were always brushed under the carpet it was horrible but I learned to not give it any of my time or energy.

My mother started behaving oddly a few years before a dementia diagnosis....she was turning up on the wrong days and seemed to act a little strange. We couldn't work out what we had said or done....of course we had said/done nothing. With hindsight it was the start of her illness.

I wonder whether she's feeling a bit depressed. Run down from illness and not got much going on with her life and feels the baby is something happy and positive. This could also explain her lack of organisation but would keep an eye on her regarding cognitive issues as well.

Why don't you just ask her?

Same with my mum. I’d phoned her about her visiting and she said she was free on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I told her we were meeting up with DC’s school friends on the Wednesday, so we should meet up on the Thursday. I checked Thursday suited her, mentioned it at least once during our conversation (“when you come down on Thursday I’ll show you…”) and ended the call by saying I was looking forward to seeing her on Thursday.

She turned up at my door on Wednesday just as we were getting ready to leave to see DC’s friends. Not only had she got the day wrong, she seemed a bit ‘off’ - a bit confused and distant.

Don’t rule out early signs of cognitive decline, OP. After that, my mum also started making excuses not to meet up (she had a cold, a headache, etc etc). There were changes to her personality - not massive ones, but little niggling ones.

That.

your op suggest that it is a « new MIL », I would suggest you don’t bother overthinking it.

Reading the post reminded me of my DM when she had the very very early stages of Alzheimer’s but we didn’t know it at the time.

Absolutely this.

I don't think any of that she's done anything wrong. She got the wrong day that's all. I don't text family when I'm on holiday etc.

You haven't done anything wrong either

It was entirely her own fault. She was half an hour late to the coffee shop and got the day wrong for the home visit. Unless this is the early signs of dementia, that is due to her own carelessness, so if she is sulking because of that, she needs to stop being so unreliable. I think some people are oblivious to the fact that other people have their own life full of activities and commitments, and aren't just available instantly on demand when they feel like seeing them. People need to take responsibility for their actions and consequences, having existed on the planet for some number of decades does not absolve anyone of this.

This 100%.
TBH anyone sulking (adult or child, but especially adult) is a tiresome energy drainer, best to leave them stewing in their own juice. I just can't and won't accept sulkers under any circumstances..let them play their silly game elsewhere with someone who is prepared to pander to it. And I suggest you do the same.
The sulking behaviour will stop when they get the message that you aren't going to be manipulated in that way!

Not sure why you had to go home after 20 mins.

I'd just send a normal message and say sorry we didn't get a proper catch-up, let's make some plans for a proper visit with the baby. When are you next free?

Assume you didn't do anything wrong but do listen to the slight disappointment of not seeing new GC this Christmas properly and book something and hopefully it'll right itself, if another circumstance means she flakes, you've done what you can.

I’d love to hear the MIL’s side of this story. So far she’s been called a ‘cow’, a ‘weirdo’ and ageist comments about her being ‘put in a home’ and multiple gleeful suggestions to threaten her. This is such a nasty vile thread that says so much about vindictive DILs. This is the type of thread I want to point to when people don’t understand gender disappointment toward boys.