Why is MIL offended

[Poppinpop]

Hope someone can see the situation more objectively than me. If we have upset her I really want to put it right but not sure what could have been done differently.

MIL seems ‘off’ with DH, just quiet with him.

We last properly saw her on Christmas Eve for a coffee. She was 30 minutes later than we arranged to meet. We saw her crossing the retail park car park and going into a shop, whilst we were sitting waiting for her in the coffee shop. I waved out the window but pretty sure she pretended not to see.

When she finally came into the coffee shop, it meant we could only stay 20 minutes as baby was cranky and then due a feed. We were supposed to go round for Boxing Day but her husband had come down with flu, so she rang us and said it would be best to stay away and that we should catch up in the new year. She was away on holiday 1-5th Jan and did not contact us to see how we or DC were doing in that time. We messaged her but didn’t get a reply, which is fine, assumed she was busy which can happen on holiday.

She messaged us last week to ask if she could pop over the following day. We said yes, the afternoon works. She didn’t turn up with no explanation and text that evening saying ‘can’t wait to see you tomorrow’. I replied to say, oops sorry MIL, we were around today but tomorrow it’s a pretty busy day and we have classes. DH will be at home though’.

She didn’t reply and turned up unannounced to see DH. They had a coffee and catch up and he said she looked very disappointed the whole time and kept repeating that she was hoping to see the baby.

We have called her today and she seems very quiet. It feels as though we have upset her but I am not sure how. It feels just circumstantial that we haven’t caught up much over the past few weeks?

Well it sounded like they were trying quite hard tbh.

Perhaps MIL could have made it along to one of the classes, but it seems like there were several other opportunities if not.

has your DH, her son actually asked if everything is ok? or is all this based on assumptions?

if they are in older years, and are not very well then perhaps not really clear headed?

christmas and new years are hectic times of year, and ontop of that they have had illness in the house and also a holiday to contend with? perhaps you or DH could give them a ring, or pop round one evening and just check in and make sure all is ok?

If she made a mistake with the time for the coffee shop and the day for the visit, does she know she made a mistake?

if not, she will be thinking that you could only be bothered to stay for 20 minutes at the coffee shop meeting, and that you arranged a visit on a day you would be out and not interested in rearranging the classes.

they were both her mistakes but if she didn’t know she’d made the mistakes, then you can see why she feels perhaps a bit rejected or uncared for.

i know you may have been paraphrasing but if your text really did say “oops sorry we’ve got classes but DH will be at home” then she could easily have read that as you apologising for double booking.

Around Christmas it can be a very stressful time - I get times and dates wrong occasionally (and I'm only 64, no signs of dementia! Just too much to do and not enough time). I agree with others who say that she sounds more stressed and unwell than sulking or offended, getting the day of your meeting wrong and then being upset that she didn't see the baby would be natural and she's probably cross with herself that she made such a daft mistake.

@paranoiaofpufflings its in the OP.

They were due to meet Boxing Day but FIL was ill.

She couldn’t see the baby on the last visit as she arrived on the wrong day and mum and baby were at classes.

Thank you everyone. No, no cognitive decline. She knew what day we’d arranged to meet just didn’t reply to our texts and pretended it was the next day. Just as she knew we weren’t going to be around the next day, but expressed disappointment on arrival ‘well I didn’t think a class would be over lunchtime’. We were going to see her on Boxing Day but her husband was unwell with this flu that everyone’s got. She said to DH this afternoon on the phone, ‘keep in touch, won’t you’.

I think she thinks we don’t go over to see her enough but they live an hour away, we’ve offered to meet halfway and we have a really young baby and they are retired and always out and about, regularly doing day trips to places etc so the drive isn’t an issue for them.

She’s playing you. Just keep in touch as you’ve always done. If there’s something genuinely going on you’ll find out soon enough

She seems to be playing the martyr.
An hour away is a distance with a tiny baby in the car
Don't stress, keep in touch as you're doing
Things will change as baby gets older.

I think she thinks we don’t go over to see her enough but they live an hour away, we’ve offered to meet halfway and we have a really young baby and they are retired and always out and about, regularly doing day trips to places etc so the drive isn’t an issue for them.

There we have it then. She’s miffed. How often do your DP get to see new baby, if at all?

Although, even with a (didn’t know it at the time) ASD nightmare baby I managed to drive the 50 mins to see my DM each week with my baby, I was thrilled for her to be able spend time with him, she worked full time and I was on maternity leave so I of course did the driving. Babies are portable, but if retired they should be able to come to you, but obviously aren’t feeling very welcome by the sounds of it.

I'd be calling her out on this.
She's actually treating you very poorly.
Going forward boundaries.

I agree with all of this. One of my relatives who had dementia always claimed to have a cold when she was upset about something. It was because she had forgotten how to articulate her real feelings and also forgotten what had upset her in the first place. I really hope it is not this and you might think she is not old enough for dementia but occasionally it does occur in younger people and is very often mistaken for something else simply because the person is not elderly.

You are over thinking this. MIL is getting older, tires and has been sick.
She just expresses her thoughts, I think.
If you sat down with her and baby for an hour or two in the next few weeks she will express how good it is to see you.

Just ignore her sulking. You haven't done anything wrong.
She has more time and flexibility and time to travel than your family. Don't let her guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out.

Leave your DH to deal with his mums temper tantrums and just continue to be surface level happy to see her when you do.

If she's sulking that's not great. But are you positive she actually didn't get the dates wrong for the visit? From what you've said it reads like she got muddled up and your message didn't tell her she got the date wrong, it reads like you'd double booked and ditched her. She clearly was thinking it was the next day as she messaged saying how much she was looking forward to seeing you. Plus you didn't call her when she didn't turn up as planned and ask where she was?

I know this is Mumsnet and all MILs are apparently awful but I'd prefer to assume people have made a mistake than are deliberately trying to mess you around.

She's playing games. The 'wrong' you did her was before Christmas Eve, she was already punishing you for it then.

I think she's engineering things to feel hurt and offended. Best strategy is to completely ignore it happening and just be breezy and normal. That will force her to either actually spit it out or stop it.

My MIL can be a bit like this, moody, randomly arriving and out of sorts.
we manage her now by having structured plans with her so she feels like we are making and effort to see her rather than slotting her into our lives here and there. (She lives 15 mins away) . It has cut down on the random drop ins and allows us to plan family activities around her rather than lots of impromptu “asks” that we can’t do and result in a mood. We still get the asks, but not the moods as she knows there’s something arranged that we won’t blow her off for.

Maybe she has something going on that she is not ready to talk to you about yet. My mum was really distracted when she was diagnosed with cancer before she told me.

Not sure why MIL threads on here immediately go to sulking, boundaries, NC or tantrum. MILs are just people and and it's not always about us.

Just ask her if she's OK.

There's maybe something else going on , possibly at home, her relationship, health etc. she's maybe feeling a bit down for other reasons. Id just carry on as normal maybe be a bit extra nice but just simple things like a nice message or putting something in the diary for a couple of weeks time etc. Jan can be hard. It's probably not because of you in any way but nice that you've noticed and care.

She knew what day we’d arranged to meet just didn’t reply to our texts and pretended it was the next day.

Getting wrong day for visiting was the first noticeable sign of dementia in both my Gran and my MIL. In both cases we would have said that they knew what day we'd agreed to meet.

In the case of my Gran, she phoned up on December 1st concerned that we hadn't arrived for Christmas (we always arrived on 23rd/24th).

In the case of my MIL, I picked up right away that there was something wrong when she did similar. She always arranged visits or things on the phone and would phone from next to the calendar and write it down immediately. So I knew that phoning to say "I was expecting you for lunch today" when it was dinner the next day (3 hours away) wasn't just a normal forgetting.
It was only about 18 months later that she/fil became concerned and went to the GP, because they were sure it had just been a slip at the time.

I agree she sounds confused. One thing my aunt (dementia in a care home) has form for is being upset that no one has visited for weeks, when her daughter goes in every 3 days or so and other people go in between so. At max she's had 2 days with no visitors, but often it's 1 or 0.

I would just be upfront and ask her - or rather your husband. If she then can’t communicate or tries to be evasive I just wouldn’t make an effort to meet up with her.

Stop worrying about her. In German there’s a saying „you can only help those ones who speak“. She’s grown up - if she’s being obtuse, it’s her fault.

To me this reads that she seems to have a problem to remember when you arranged to meet up?