I'm not good at saying no, how do I approach this and keep my job?

[MmmmmmmToblerone]

I have been doing my job for 6 years. I am a PA for an adult disabled client. I work for them 3 days a week and I work on a self employed basis (at their insistence).

The job was advertised with a car to take my client out and about. My client has a mobility vehicle which I have always used to drive them to their appointments, sports and social clubs and when we go out shopping etc.

My client usually receives a new car every 3 years and their current one is up for renewal in April, they decided around 6 months ago they will not renew the contract in April as they want the money in their pocket, fair enough, I have no issue with that.

The problem is that for the last few months they and their mother (who is heavily involved in their lives) keep asking me what will happen when they give up their mobility car and how will we get about. I have replied saying we can get the bus or a taxi to our destinations, the reply to this is always a "Mmmm?"or a "Oh, ok".

Anyhow, it transpires that they want me to use my car, several times now the mother has asked if I can use my car once the contact ends. I have always replied that it's not big enough (Fiat 500) to get the wheelchair in but now she has come up with the idea that my client can use their sticks which tbh will make getting out and about quite tricky and restrict the places we can go.

Regardless if they can use their sticks or not, the truth is that I don't want to use my car, it's 14 years old and has 100,000 miles on the clock, I only use it to and from work and I don't want to put any mileage on it. The mother seems to think simply paying me mileage will suffice and when I told her a few weeks ago that I really don't want to put extra mileage on etc she has been really off with me since. I am getting a bit fed up, the job was never advertised as needing to use my own car and I have never in all the time I have worked for them offered up my car as part of the service. I feel they already take the piss out of me for other things at times and I do not want to be pushed into using my own car just because they want to save themselves some extra money.

But I am crap at saying no and sticking to it, especially when they create such an atmosphere over it all.

How do I continue sticking to no and hope they get the message without feeling awful about it and without them getting funny about it as they seem to be taking it personally.

You have been in a caring role for years

If you enjoy it there is a vast market out there - either in care homes (which might be better if it's a decent one. Employed and with others around) or still in private homes

I'd go for care homes

You'll get another job easily OP. The care sector is massive and growing everyday

Just to echo what@TeachesOfPeaches has just said, you are a highly prized and valuable commodity on the market. Unfortunately, familiarity does breed contempt and this family are overstepping the mark... so look for another role, you will be snapped up with alacrity!

Don't let people take advantage of you OP.
There's being nice, and there's being a walk over.

You’re your own worst enemy, OP. Just say no!

I will stick with no being a final answer and start looking for something else.

Glad to hear this. Don't do any of the insurance excuses. It's enough that you don't want to. End of.

OP

In your situation I'd be handing my notice in and looking for a new job. Care/PAs are very much sought after (I have first had experience) I could never treat my DDs PA with such disrespect.

Have a look on UKCIL.com

X

Your employer sounds difficult!

All the best with your job search. As pp have said there's the care sector. And often charities have roles that benefit from your skillset.

I hear you on the self confidence front. You will get another job, you sound like you're great at your job. For one thing you've lasted there for 6 years despite some very trying circumstances. Start looking, and I bet something will come along soon. You'll look back and wonder why you stayed there for so long.

Good luck

@LookItsMeAgain it sounds like the client is getting a car through the Motability scheme, this is a leasing arrangement and, I think, the lease is normally 3 years, after which you have to return the car.

@MmmmmmmToblerone I have employed PAs for years and would never treat someone as you’re being treated here. Additionally, good PAs who have the skills you need as an employer, plus are reliable and trustworthy, are gold dust. Please do realise that you have extremely marketable skills and absolutely don’t need to put up with clients who take advantage and don’t treat you well. I would only add to all the advice above, if you want to move to a care agency or care home, find out first whether you need a reference or evidence of work history from your current clients, and if you do, plan your exit carefully! Good luck 💐

Thank you. I'll take a look.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they have very much helped to put things in perspective, sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation it's hard to see things clearly.

After chatting with DH this evening I have decided to give notice next week.

I'm going to take a few weeks out and concentrate on getting some extra care for my mum and then will start looking for new work.

It's easier to find a job when in a job so personally I'd find a new job first.

Good luck with it all OP.

And if they ask you to stay on longer then the notice period you give them, and try to guilt you about leaving them in the lurch, I hope you will take strength from this thread to stick to what works for you.

Great update op. You sound lovely and dont deserve to be taken advantage of like this.

I’ve recommended this book tons but it really is great for these sorts of situations as well as for improving your skills at setting boundaries effectively in a non-confrontational and clear way. The book contains scripts for many situations in which the need to say no might arise and you might potentially have guilty feelings, with examples from workplace settings and personal and relational situations.

I saw your update but you still might like this book.

Good for you OP

Congratulations on deciding to give in your notice.

I still think it's worthwhile rehearsing what you're going to say so that you don't start saying sorry, or it's about the car!

Be very professional and say it has been a pleasure working for xxx but you are now looking for new challenges .... said with a straight face!

Re your previous post: "With regards to the 'disguised employment' issue, I have to keep my working hours low (ish) as I also care for my mum who has Alzheimer's, I claim carers allowance for that so am restricted how much I can earn."

It's my understanding that if you don't claim carers allowance your mum can claim attendance allowance.

I don't know the ins and outs. But if you do that you may be able to earn more yourself?

@MmmmmmmToblerone Haven't rtft yet so this may have been mentioned but if you're using your own personal car (as a self-employed person) have you got business insurance on it because you would be using it for your business purposes.
Business insurance is rather expensive are they going to pay for the difference in in cost or up your wages?

I'm glad you've decided to leave the job. The reason they get the money is to pay for transport not just a banker and let you pay for it yourself.

I think they could be persisting because you are not being definite enough in saying No. Just say it once and for all that you won't be doing what they are asking. If you are firm they will stop going on about it.

You are crap at saying "No?"

Cool!

Can you lend me £1000????

I promise to give it back.... Honest!!

You just have to keep saying no, I’d also question whether you should really be self employed. I employ PA’s for my adult son, they are employers, I pay holiday pay and sickness, employers insurance and pensions. We don’t have a motability car but this was specified in the contract and we pay mileage. There are loads of disabled people crying out for good PA’s, maybe approach adult social services at your local council and see if they have any recommendation for agencies or people looking.

I thought this was a great example of what to say to them.