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Original poster

Vasectomy - feels so very final

81 replies

NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 18:36

Hello, please be gentle with me as this was hard for me to type out.

We are incredibly lucky and have 3 beautiful children, two boys and a girl. My youngest is 3. She was a delightful baby, slept all night, happy all day, strangers would come and tell me how special she was.

during her birth i haemorrhaged and I had to have iron infusions and tranexamic acid etc etc.
We are 100% done with having babies, we cannot afford another, it would mean a new house, new car, and I am 37 and not in a position to be able to do those things. And even if I could afford it I am not sure if I would.

I didn’t want to take hormonal contraception due to risks (I don’t want to drip feed but also don’t want to share this part of my story) so husband has been on waiting list for a vasectomy since she was born. He finally has an appt, it’s in a week. It’s the safest and most responsible thing to do, but it just feels so very very final. I am very much a baby person, but having my third be such a delightful baby makes me want to do it again.

basically I’m not sure what I’m saying here. Words of comfort please maybe? I want him to go through with it, I wish money and finances and things were different, it’s the safest thing for
me, I definitely couldn’t cope with another baby or child either. Has anyone been through similar? Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Isthisrealomgwow · 07/01/2025 18:46

I totally relate.

Hubby booked in next month.

But after 4 pregnancies, 2 second trimester losses resulting in emergency surgery, and 2 full term healthy babies, and me being 40 I feel we are done.

For all the reasons you listed, bigger house, car, childcare cost etc.

But I'm so sad 😞 even if we had enough money the last pregnancy was mental and physically horrendous. I have to remind myself of that when I desperately want a third.

Don't know how to work past the feelings, but I understand yours.

Irie1980 · 07/01/2025 18:48

I went through the same feelings, and I only have 2 kids. In some ways it's a relief that if I ever got pregnant, I wouldnt have to make a decision about it. I didn't have the same health concerns but I was 42 and didn't want the additional risks of having a child at an older age, and my two were getting more independent, my career was kicking off etc

Also, sex without that fear of getting pregnant is a million times better so no regrets now!

justasking111 · 07/01/2025 18:49

I felt sad when peri menopause hit because I'd never have another baby. It runs deeper than finances imo. It's a door closing.

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General health
Irie1980 · 07/01/2025 18:50

Edited to add, I don't think it always 100% final if that makes you feel better. A reversal is always a possibility. Also, you could arrange to have sperm frozen so you always have that insurance policy if you did ever change your mind.

PermanentTemporary · 07/01/2025 18:51

It's a very big moment and it feels like a door shutting even if you know you never wanted to go through it. I hope you'll feel better very soon afterwards but sadness isn't a sign that the decision is wrong.

Original poster
NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 18:52

Thank you so so much for being so kind with your replies.
I do think I may be perimenopausal as I had high FSH in my 20s. My periods are heavy, irregular and all over the place generally. My mood swings can be bad and I take antidepressants
I keep reading how old people say the best years of their life was raising their toddlers, and now my youngest is 3, she no longer looks like a baby anymore, and that’s HARD because she’s always been a baby to me? If that makes sense!
A few nights ago I cried for hours that my children are all growing so fast.
I am so grateful for them and that they are healthy but there is part of me that wishes for just one more. The hard thing is that even if we had the money, we don’t have much help, I’m not sure my body or mind would cope.. for so many reasons it’s a no but I do feel sad about it.
it almost feels like grief.

OP posts:
charmingpenguin · 07/01/2025 18:56

I understand, DH had his a year ago.

Once it's done, it's actually quite a relief as that door is shut for you and you don't need to even contemplate anymore.

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 07/01/2025 18:56

We have 3 children and then dh said he wanted a vasectomy, i didn’t want him to mainly cos it felt so final

he went ahead and about 3/4 years later said that he regretted (in a very small) way that he had closed the door to number 4

we probably wouldn’t have had a 4th anyway

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 07/01/2025 18:57

namechange 💐

Original poster
NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 19:02

thank you. It’s so nice to hear of other people feeling similar!!

despite being 37 I still feel about 22 and it feels weird that these baby making days are gone. Forever.

I have also had a toddler or child at home with me since my oldest was born. I feel so much grief that she will soon start school. I’ll miss her so much.

OP posts:
Abhannmor · 07/01/2025 19:13

Irie1980 · 07/01/2025 18:50

Edited to add, I don't think it always 100% final if that makes you feel better. A reversal is always a possibility. Also, you could arrange to have sperm frozen so you always have that insurance policy if you did ever change your mind.

Good points!

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 07/01/2025 19:14

Irie1980 · 07/01/2025 18:50

Edited to add, I don't think it always 100% final if that makes you feel better. A reversal is always a possibility. Also, you could arrange to have sperm frozen so you always have that insurance policy if you did ever change your mind.

You should never go in to either vasectomy or tubal ligation surgery with this mindset. Only a small number of reversals result in a pregnancy.

ShadowsOfTheDays · 07/01/2025 19:18

You know what, I howled like a baby when my husband had his. But it felt cathartic.

Now that I have teenagers, I thank god we don't have more than two. They can be tricky, expensive, emotionally demanding, you're on chauffeur duty a lot (and late!)

You have three lovely children. I'd try to find a way to be ok with closing the door on more if I was you.

Toniwechslerrules · 07/01/2025 19:22

It’s only a bad idea if you and your husband are likely to split up and he wants to try for a baby with someone else!

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 07/01/2025 19:27

I'm 36 soon, have two kids (youngest nearly 2) and DH is going for a vasectomy. He was about to book it and I had a wobble and asked him to wait a a year. But it's been a few months and I know in my heart of hearts that I am done. My first was a good sleeper, my second still isn't sleeping through the night. I can't go back to the beginning with sleep. I can't do teething again. I had carpal tunnel and my pelvic floor came out worse for wear the second time round. I love my boys and I already feel stretched. So even though the thought of 3 children and a loud noisy house is nice, my gut tells me I'm done. So I'm going to tell DH to go ahead with it. But wow, it's hard. Really hard. And like some kind of grief knowing you'll never hold your newborn baby ever again.

Original poster
NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 19:29

ShadowsOfTheDays · 07/01/2025 19:18

You know what, I howled like a baby when my husband had his. But it felt cathartic.

Now that I have teenagers, I thank god we don't have more than two. They can be tricky, expensive, emotionally demanding, you're on chauffeur duty a lot (and late!)

You have three lovely children. I'd try to find a way to be ok with closing the door on more if I was you.

Honestly there will be no more pregnancies, it would be dangerous for me, I couldn’t risk leaving my children with me, it’s just not going to happen ever, but I do still feel sad about it

absolutely I want to be able to close the door and be alright with it. I NEED to be alright with it. I’m hoping once it’s done I can stop the what ifs and be okay

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 19:30

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 07/01/2025 19:27

I'm 36 soon, have two kids (youngest nearly 2) and DH is going for a vasectomy. He was about to book it and I had a wobble and asked him to wait a a year. But it's been a few months and I know in my heart of hearts that I am done. My first was a good sleeper, my second still isn't sleeping through the night. I can't go back to the beginning with sleep. I can't do teething again. I had carpal tunnel and my pelvic floor came out worse for wear the second time round. I love my boys and I already feel stretched. So even though the thought of 3 children and a loud noisy house is nice, my gut tells me I'm done. So I'm going to tell DH to go ahead with it. But wow, it's hard. Really hard. And like some kind of grief knowing you'll never hold your newborn baby ever again.

I feel this.

I have 3, I can’t do more, but knowing there’s no more newborns? It is grief, like something or someone has gone forever

OP posts:
TheTwirlyPoos · 07/01/2025 19:32

I had this and actually I found a vasectomy hasnt helped

We always wanted two children. That was the plan. I've been ridiculously lucky. Both children were conceived the first month of trying and we have a boy and a girl. We are done. DH had the snip as planned

But... I'm so sad I'll never have a newborn again. It's ridiculous and I couldn't imagine having a third child, we wouldn't cope. But I am still want a baby

NoCarbsForMe · 07/01/2025 19:32

It's brilliant! So glad DH did it a few years ago. I've felt sad a few times but never enough to think I want to actually have more kids in my 40's.
I think it's probably a natural feeling that I would have had regardless.

I'm at the teenager stage with kids now.. so no. Definitely don't want another.

You have 3 OP you're grand.
It's soooo good never to have to worry about contraception again 🎉

NoCarbsForMe · 07/01/2025 19:34

I'm finding it helps to plan all the fun stuff we can do when the kids move out now. If that helps at all x

AngeloMysterioso · 07/01/2025 19:35

I got really upset when my husband had his vasectomy. We also have 3 and there was absolutely no way we could ever have another but it was still really hard for me to accept. Doesn’t help that I have always desperately longed for a daughter and we have 3 boys!

Plus now we always have sex without a condom which means I have to deal with the resultant mess that follows.

Easypeasymacncheesy · 07/01/2025 19:37

As someone who at 38 has just had to have an accidental pregnancy terminated while DH was on the vasectomy wait list I wish we had done it sooner.

My kids are 5 and 8 and I always wanted a 3rd. However after trying for 2 years and it not happening I had made peace with it just being the 2. Then last month I fell pregnant completely unexpectedly. I didn’t want a 6 year age gap between the youngest, I didn’t want to go through sleepless nights and nappy changes again so I terminated the pregnancy. It has however hugely affected my mental health and I’m now living with the guilt and regret. I wish DH had had a vasectomy years ago so I wouldn’t have had to go through this.

renthead · 07/01/2025 19:40

I felt sad when peri menopause hit because I'd never have another baby. It runs deeper than finances imo. It's a door closing.

This. I'm 44 and the grief about the end of my fertile years was so strong last year, compounded by the fact that I always wanted 3 children but we stopped at 2. I felt sadder about the end of my own fertility than I did when my husband had a vasectomy 5 years ago!

iolaus · 07/01/2025 19:41

Night before my husband had one I suggested he cancel as I wasn't ready to make that final - despite the fact I didn't want any more children

He told me he was going through with it - within a week I was so glad he had

Original poster
NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 19:44

Thank you all for sharing your own experiences, it’s really helping me to know someone else feels similar

The problem is as my daughter grows I find myself longing for a baby, specifically longing for HER as a baby, we had such a wonderful time. These are honestly the best days (despite I’m knackered lol) and I love her so much, she’s my little sidekick. My boys as they grow I worry they’ll grow away from me. What’s the answer? Keep having babies? 🥲🤣 absolutely not. So so many mixed feelings, there is no answer I don’t think, it just helps to know others feel the same

OP posts: