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Original poster

Vasectomy - feels so very final

81 replies

NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 18:36

Hello, please be gentle with me as this was hard for me to type out.

We are incredibly lucky and have 3 beautiful children, two boys and a girl. My youngest is 3. She was a delightful baby, slept all night, happy all day, strangers would come and tell me how special she was.

during her birth i haemorrhaged and I had to have iron infusions and tranexamic acid etc etc.
We are 100% done with having babies, we cannot afford another, it would mean a new house, new car, and I am 37 and not in a position to be able to do those things. And even if I could afford it I am not sure if I would.

I didn’t want to take hormonal contraception due to risks (I don’t want to drip feed but also don’t want to share this part of my story) so husband has been on waiting list for a vasectomy since she was born. He finally has an appt, it’s in a week. It’s the safest and most responsible thing to do, but it just feels so very very final. I am very much a baby person, but having my third be such a delightful baby makes me want to do it again.

basically I’m not sure what I’m saying here. Words of comfort please maybe? I want him to go through with it, I wish money and finances and things were different, it’s the safest thing for
me, I definitely couldn’t cope with another baby or child either. Has anyone been through similar? Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

oustedbymymate · 07/01/2025 19:46

I completely understand. We had ivf to have our eldest after 4 years of trying. Then fell pregnant with our youngest after having sec once. It was a shock but a happy one. For various reasons we know we are done with having children. Hormonal contraception doesn't agree with my and they won't fit a coil due to birthing injuries. DH was happy to get the snip and was driven by him. When he went to have it done I sobbed. I don't know why but you're right it does feel so final!

smallsilvercloud · 07/01/2025 19:48

That's Mother Nature for you, it's always sad to leave behind the fertile years and babies always grow up quickly, kittens are a good substitute.
I have 3 DC and my youngest I still call her my baby one and she's 14 😂 the cats help when I need to cuddle and nurture something.

Winterskyfall · 07/01/2025 19:56

You have three children, you could die trying to have another and leave them without a mother. It's good that it's final, it means a birth won't take you away from your children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health

Original poster

NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 19:59

Winterskyfall · 07/01/2025 19:56

You have three children, you could die trying to have another and leave them without a mother. It's good that it's final, it means a birth won't take you away from your children.

I needed to hear this. Thank you

OP posts:

SareBear87 · 07/01/2025 20:15

One of my friends is having a similar experience. She said it's hard knowing her 3rd is her final one. She said it's hard experiencing all those last firsts (last first steps, last first words, etc.).
I can't imagine having 3 let alone dream contemplating a 4th so I take my hat off to you!

everychildmatters · 07/01/2025 20:15

My husband had a vasectomy about three years ago after we had our daughter together. I was reluctant for him to go for it at first, but it was the right decision. She's 4.5 now 😀

Irie1980 · 07/01/2025 20:16

NameChange101xox · 07/01/2025 19:30

I feel this.

I have 3, I can’t do more, but knowing there’s no more newborns? It is grief, like something or someone has gone forever

Show quote history

I do get the grief, but where are the positives? You won't have a baby any more, but you have two growing humans with senses of humour, personalities, a sense of adventure - you've got so many moments to look forward to as they get older. You can enjoy days out, travel together, experience things together as people not just as parent and baby. It's such a joy to watch kids grow up and become individuals with their own interests.

Maybe try looking at it as a start of something posivltive rather than the end of an era.

I much prefer being a parent to a 10 and 12 year old than I did babies! You'll also have more time to develop your own interests or career. It's not all bad 🙂

Vettrianofan · 07/01/2025 20:20

My youngest was in NICU for five weeks so a vasectomy was the best decision for us. DH had his when DC4 was 6mo.

No doubts from either of us on this. 7 years on and glad I will never be pregnant again. I don't want to jeopardise the lovely family I have.

ShadowsOfTheDays · 07/01/2025 21:29

You think these are the best days; I've thought that at almost every stage, because you just are so enchanted by them learning and growing and changing at every age. Really. You just don't know it yet because you still have little ones.

My daughter is 14 and I'm heart stoppingly proud of her so often; she's had her moments but she's a brilliant sidekick. We saw a shooting star together not half an hour ago and it was a beautiful shared moment.

There's so much good to come, genuinely.

Scottishskifun · 07/01/2025 21:43

My DH had his in March, initially I was very much the same and he didn't accept a cancellation for January because of it.
But I knew I was done after 2 and our lives would change dramatically if a 3rd came on the scene. I then had a very late period and in that oh crap moment I was honestly terrified of the thought of being pregnant again and our lives flipping on its head.

It really did seal it for me that he was doing the right thing.

In your case another pregnancy could kill you it really is the right thing.

A definite upside I have also found is I no longer have that subconscious of tracking my cycle, avoiding ovulation days even though we were using condoms etc it's now completely stress free sex which is amazing 😂

MassiveSalad22 · 07/01/2025 21:47

Embrace it. Yea it’s a closing of a chapter. But embrace the new chapter. Surprised you had to wait so long for an appointment, that’s mega! DH got his done within a couple of weeks. Easier to rip the band aid off that way, the long wait would have me doubting my decision too!

We have 2 boys and a girl too. Lucky us :) I have 2 friends who are pregnant now, and an acquaintance about to have her 4th…. That really made me realise I’m glad of the vasectomy, sounds like so much hard work! 4 is loads!! I reckon in a couple of years when your 3rd is at school, you’ll be glad the baby days are done and you’ll have some lovely freedom.

MassiveSalad22 · 07/01/2025 21:48

ShadowsOfTheDays · 07/01/2025 21:29

There's so much good to come, genuinely.

Love this so much. My eldest is 9 and I love to hear stuff like this. It’s so true that every stage is just lush. So far! Love to hear from those ahead of me!

Mischance · 07/01/2025 21:57

Change is always hard - you are saying goodbye to one phase of your life and entering another. There will be other transitions to come - waving them goodbye when they go to uni or whatever is a challenge.

But that is what having a family is about. Life moves on.

I always wanted 6 children - mad woman! - but the third pregnancy was difficult because of back problems and I knew another pregnancy would leave me an incapacitated mother to my existing children at least for the duration of the pregnancy. So - off he went for the snip. Definitely the right decision.

You know that you are risking the future of the family with your health problems in pregnancy - never mind all the finance and other practical problems - so you have no choice.

You will get used to the idea - I did - and was glad that this option was available.

shoreandune · 07/01/2025 22:11

DH had it done last summer - he only had a 3 month wait. No issues with the medical side, it was quick and not too painful. I didn't have any hesitation about it at all, I felt our family was complete after DD2 and I have a copper coil as well so I feel very protected. I feel sad about DD2 growing up but I'm also always half looking forward to when she is as independent as her big sister and when we can go on different kinds of days out and holidays.

Personally I also think it's protective for my existing dc as it would negatively impact on them if we ever broke up and he had more dcs with a new partner.

DramaAlpaca · 07/01/2025 22:37

DH had it done when our third son was about a year old. I'd had postnatal depression and he didn't want me to have to go through that again. I agreed, and it was the right thing to do, but I still found it difficult to accept in emotional terms that having another baby was completely off the table.

Youngest DS is well and truly grown up now and I still occasionally feel a tinge of sadness that the choice not to have another child was not my decision. It's irrational because I know I'd not have coped with four children and the risks of PND were too great. I'm not resentful of DH's decision, it was the right one, but it was the finality of it in my early 30s that got me.

AnnaKing81 · 07/01/2025 22:52

You need counselling.
This way you are responding is far deeper than it should be.
You don't want anymore children.
I would look into it so you don't become ill or have it affect your relationship.

My husband had one age 33, when our youngest was 7.
No pregnancy worries means you can relax and have a better physical relationship.

Original poster

NameChange101xox · 08/01/2025 04:59

ShadowsOfTheDays · 07/01/2025 21:29

There's so much good to come, genuinely.

Thank you so so much, I really needed this reply xx

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChange101xox · 08/01/2025 05:00

AnnaKing81 · 07/01/2025 22:52

You need counselling.
This way you are responding is far deeper than it should be.
You don't want anymore children.
I would look into it so you don't become ill or have it affect your relationship.

My husband had one age 33, when our youngest was 7.
No pregnancy worries means you can relax and have a better physical relationship.

I have had counselling before. I do have depression and anxiety (although I feel it’s well controlled) but I do think I feel things very deeply and I do over think things

OP posts:

Thornybush · 08/01/2025 06:18

Sorry to hear you are having second thoughts OP. I think some people never feel 'done' especially when you have such precious memories of our children as babies. But you have to move on now to the next stages with your dc and leave babyhood behind.

So did it take 3 years for your dh to get his appointment? My dh has been waiting 1.5 years and I thought that 2 years was the average. Like you I don't want to remain on birth control, I feel after all ive sacrificed , it's his 'turn' now. I really can't wait for him to have it done but perhaps I'll feel like you once he gets the appointment!

IAmAWomanWorkingFromHome · 08/01/2025 06:34

Be careful not to be so focused on recreating your DD (because that’s how you’re looking at it) that you’re missing the people your children are becoming.

You say you and your DD had such a lovely time when she was a baby. But what about now? What about your other DC? Where is your happiness in who and what they’re becoming as little people and the growing up they’re doing?

I’ve never understood this grief over stages, no babies/crying at the school gates when they start etc, We don’t have children to have babies, we have children to create the future generation, because we are bringing into the world adults in their own right.

And nature is a bitch sometimes. I know more than one person who was desperate for just one more and ended up with a child with disabilities. I don’t know why, but it’s actually quite common.

Wonderingpigeon · 08/01/2025 07:09

My DH had one. I really didn't want him too. But I have two and my toddler has suspected needs. If I am honest, financially it would be hardcore and I wouldn't be able to take maternity. Mentally and emotionally I would be pushing myself to the limit as a child with needs is tough and if I struggled all the children would be impacted which isn't fair. By the time I might be able to cope with a 3rd, I'd be rather old. (I'm an older mum anyway) and the thought of dealing with puberty mid 50's when I'm knackered now horrifies me 😂

So my heart might want another but in reality it could potentially hurt everyone and I would not the responsibility and knowledge that I negatively impacted my children.

klopteaklrd · 08/01/2025 07:37

DH got the snip when we were 35 and had 2 kids (mutually discussed) honestly I found the whole thing a relief.

I was pretty adamant I was done with having children but I suppose whilst it's still a possibility it's always at the back of your mind, plus I am extremely fertile having gotten pregnant on contraception including the coil so there was always a bit of apprehension each month. I knew I wanted it done by 35 because of the hormone surges women often get nearing 40.

Now it's done it's just such a relief not thinking about pregnancy or babies any more, I don't feel sad that that stage of my life is over but instead am enjoying the completeness and relative certainty of my own family, I focus on the children I do have, not day dream about the ones I could have, which gives me a lot of emotional stability.

crostini · 08/01/2025 07:52

I understand.

It's likely you don't want more children, but you're just sad that yours arn't tiny any more and that you're moving away from that stage. You miss the little versions of them and wish you could go back in time and soak it all up again. It's a truly special time of life when your kids are little and it's hard to let go of.

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 08/01/2025 08:46

Easypeasymacncheesy

so sorry easy 💐

Original poster

NameChange101xox · 08/01/2025 13:44

Honestly, I LOVE who she is now. I speak more about her because she’s the one I spend the most time with as the others are school age. I have lots of fun with them all, and we do such fun stuff together. It’s not that I miss them as babies as such, it’s just that I wish I could go back and enjoy the time more I guess. They are all wonderful people and I am beyond proud of them. I can’t deny that it doesn’t hurt that I’ll never have a newborn again though!

OP posts:

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