Vasectomy - feels so very final

[NameChange101xox]

Hello, please be gentle with me as this was hard for me to type out.

We are incredibly lucky and have 3 beautiful children, two boys and a girl. My youngest is 3. She was a delightful baby, slept all night, happy all day, strangers would come and tell me how special she was.

during her birth i haemorrhaged and I had to have iron infusions and tranexamic acid etc etc.
We are 100% done with having babies, we cannot afford another, it would mean a new house, new car, and I am 37 and not in a position to be able to do those things. And even if I could afford it I am not sure if I would.

I didn’t want to take hormonal contraception due to risks (I don’t want to drip feed but also don’t want to share this part of my story) so husband has been on waiting list for a vasectomy since she was born. He finally has an appt, it’s in a week. It’s the safest and most responsible thing to do, but it just feels so very very final. I am very much a baby person, but having my third be such a delightful baby makes me want to do it again.

basically I’m not sure what I’m saying here. Words of comfort please maybe? I want him to go through with it, I wish money and finances and things were different, it’s the safest thing for
me, I definitely couldn’t cope with another baby or child either. Has anyone been through similar? Thanks in advance x

We have 3DC and then DH had a vasectomy. I knew I was done after 3 in a way that I definitely didn't after my second (oddly, DH who initially had to be talked into having a third was the one who was more open to leaving the door open to having a fourth!).

But, even though I knew I was done, I found it hard mentally for DH to have his vasectomy, even though it was the right decision for us (I didn't want to go back to hormonal contraception as well). I even spent some time catastrophising about what we would do if one of our DC died and we would be unable to have another which when I look back on it, was not something I would ever normally think or worry about!

I do get it, but also there's SO much more to parenting!

Now my DD and I hang out, watch movies, go shopping, get noodles, get coffee. She's wonderful company.

And my son (12) is always full of chat, he tells me everything that's in his head I think! Last night we lay in his bed watching a movie.

And the best bit is, they all take themselves to the toilet and make themselves snacks, sometimes they even put a washing on and empty the dishwasher!

Look at your hormones. You maybe be perimenopausal.

Enjoy these times to the fullest
If you play it right. You'll be a young grandma and have it all over again.

It's time to have 7 amazing years with your little one. While preparing for teens!

Get ready!!

Similar but not the same but I felt exactly the same when my youngest turned one. I knew I didn't want any more but the thought of never going through it again was hard!

He's 8 this year and I still have those moments when they are growing up so fast and I wish for just a bit more time when they were babies and that's what it is. I don't want another, I want to go back in time and experience my children as babies again just for a bit but knowing it's short lived so that I can really soak it all in.

I couldn't cope with 3 though which helps me when I feel that broodiness.

Yes I get this, we have two DC and had a loss last year which, at 40 felt like the last throw of the dice for us. It was very traumatic, as they all are, and I am sure that I don’t want to try again, especially with two older children who are getting more independent by the day, but DH is on the list for a vasectomy and I am now feeling that I am likely in perimenopause and it’s all ever so sad.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

It IS all just ever so sad. I know it’s part of life, we all get older, babies grow up, but it IS sad.

Sorry to sidetrack. DH contacted GP in November and procedure is first week of Feb. North West.

Wow isthisrealomgwow that is fast!! Lucky you. My dh actually rang to follow up on it yesterday and was told that there are some on the waiting list from 2018 🤨 we are in NI . We looked into private, thought it was about £300 which is affordable but now it seems to have risen to £650-£750 😬

Sorry for tangent, but have you checked your iron? That can be both a cause and a consequence of heavy periods and can also make you feel depressed.

And I fully understand feeling sad, OP. Women live with the idea of possible children all their adult life; it's a huge change when that stops being a possibility.

DH had one around 43. We had two DC and although if another one had come along it would’ve been ok, as I advanced into my 40s I became less comfortable with the risk. I didn’t want to take the pill or other hormones. DH happily got it done. Was the best thing we ever did. Great for our sex life.

Oh love it is hard. We are wired to have babies.

Despite hating having periods when I knew time was running out (of course I was 50!) I cried. Because it's final.

It sounds to me that you body couldn't take another baby. I would have loved my DS to have a biological sibling but it didn't happen. I concentrated on him.

Time will move on and you will feel better about this decision. But it is sad.

I was relieved to get past the baby stage. It’s such hard work. Enjoy them growing up!

I felt just like you too, but really it was the best thing ever for us, we couldn't afford another child, I had PND each time and couldn't put my children through that.

I understand OP. My DH was booked in for a vasectomy. He took the pre-op meds and was ready for the procedure when I had an emotional moment and it was decided not to go ahead. (I was never quite on board to start with though but felt pressure by him). We had three more children. After that last one my risks were so high I felt there wasn't really a choice. It felt quite surreal and I didn't attend the surgery with him to make it easier. I dropped him off and picked him up when he messaged to say he was done. It was the right time in the end. The sense of finality can be hard though.

I really regret it, it's so final and I would have loved another baby but husband didn't want any more. I'd say don't make any decisions whilst you have young children. Husband got it done when our baby was a few months old and I'd just had a horrendous pregnancy. It's very sad to think you're babybyears are gone forever :-(

Yes, i am permanently anaemic. My ferritin when last checked was 4. I am working on trying to get it up.
no, my body wouldn’t cope with another pregnancy and I wouldn’t cope with 4 children. I do love the baby stage, and the toddler stage, I think if I found it harder then maybe it would be easier to let go.
I am navigating the pre teen years with my oldest which can be tricky but I do try to find the joy in it too.
for anyone else grieving for this, thank you for sharing. It helps to know I’m not the only one.

We are agreed no more babies for the reasons above, but dh is very nervous about the procedure (only nervous because of pain etc etc) which keeps making him say he’s unsure! Which is hard because if there’s no more babies, he just needs to get it done.

Can I pry and ask if it has affected your dh's sex drive? Ive heard that it brings down a man's. Mine is at zero at the moment due to the pill. And dh's is very high. I was hoping we may meet in the middle when he gets the snip 🤭

Absolutely not! Have to say you would not know if a man has had it. There is no reduction in what is produced or the appearance or his libido. If anything it improved our sex life as we felt free .I’m now 53 and post meno but so glad for those 10 years! 😂 Though I wouldn’t say his was high- more average.

@NameChange101xox - not RTFT but it’s a bit worrying that you have these thoughts that your DCs’ baby and toddler years are the best and happiest you will ever be. And a few people may feel it but I’ve never heard anyone say they were their happiest when parenting toddlers.

Your attitude is actually doing your DCs a huge disservice. Each age brings its joys and challenges and your DCs need you to love and value them, and enjoy your time with them, whatever age they are.

As a separate point and as a lot of people have said, I think there is some grief associated with recognising that you won’t be having more DCs but we stopped at 2 and it’s been right for us for all the kinds of practical and important reasons you have identified.

I absolutely love and value my children! I am so lucky to have them. They are all so unique and have their own strengths and qualities. I’m so, so lucky to be their mom but I can’t help missing them when they’re tiny.

Its a lovely stage but it has to end at some point. Best now. Focus on the children you have the primary years are awesome. Teens can be great too - you will be so glad you didn't have another doing 3 lots of teen years will be alot in itself. More is expected of parents of teens now financially emotionally and practically. 4 is too many imo. Also 4 lots of uni fees eek.

Could you foster parent or childmind if you love taking care of babies?

I’m trying to come to terms with no more babies too; as my 8 week old is sleeping peacefully in my arms.

I come from a big family, eldest of 5 so wanted the same myself. After the first 3 pregnancies ended in miscarriage, the aim reduced to 4. Just given birth to my 3rd, two weeks late, lost a lot of blood, then ended up in HDU at 10 days old with RSV. The fear and stress has meant we’re done, but I am also very sad about it. I love the baby stage and worry my family won’t feel big enough. Trying to soak up every minute with my little one.

In some ways it’s almost harder because there are no real constraints to our family size; I’ve just turned 35 and money/ space/ time/ help aren’t an issue, it just suddenly feels too risky to have any more.

It’s nice to know lots of people feel the same. I would probably be sad to stop even if I had 5! 😂

Win win!! That's great 👍

This feeling will pass.