Dad wouldn't get out of the car

[Mamaduck87]

Hello!
I would appreciate any thoughts on this to see if it is an overreaction.
Some context first, my parents do not really prioritise healthy eating shall we say and dad has bipolar tendencies.

I have a 6 month old and a 3 and a half year old. We recently went to visit my parents for Christmas (they live 4 hours away). Before leaving to return home, we had gone out for lunch. At the end, my dad brought two very stodgy chocolate millionaire type cakes and offered one to my daughter. I said she wasn't allowed it (something similar happened the day before where my daughter was happily eating an orange and they offered cake so of course she wanted that. My mum then ignored my husband when he said no. So this happened again, so I said to my mum that I had said no. My dad then leaves both cakes and says he has to leave. No hug or anything. I asked my mum if he realised that we weren't going back to their house before leaving, we were leaving straight from there as we were on the way already and had a 4hr drive back. She called him and he came back saying he didn't realise we were going.
The bit that upsets me is that he wouldn't get out of his car to say goodbye properly. We even waited a minute and when it became apparent that he wouldn't get out, my husband picked our daughter up to say bye through the car window.

We don't know when we will see them next and I was thinking it was very rude. This is not the first time and I find it rude. I'm also aware that I'm teaching my children social skills and boundaries which we have struggled with as a family growing up. I don't what them thinking that's normal behaviour.

Is this an overreaction? We feel that we now really can't leave our children with them as we don't trust them regarding sweets and cakes. It doesn't help that every time my dad speaks to my daughter on the phone, he says they can have sweeties and jelly. I'm not sure if he just thinks as a grandparent, he can spoil her a bit but I also think he says it to annoy me as he knows I will disapprove. To add, planning days out with them is very difficult as he has weak knees, overweight and won't walk anywhere. He needs to park right outside a café/restaurant and he has no idea how to play with my children.

I'd let it go about the cakes and sweet things as being a four hour drive away you probably don't see them very often? You don't say exactly what you said when refusing the cakes from your dad, but you may have upset him. Nothing to stop you rationing how much of the stuff your kids can eat in one go rather than refusing things every time. Given his health and mobility issues your dad probably finds it difficult to get in and out of the car and play with small children.

I completely get where you are coming from but at least your parents are trying. Let them build a relationship with their grandchildren.

How often do you see them? Unless it’s a lot more often than a 4 hour drive would usually suggest, I think you should relax about the cake. It’s totally normal for grandparents to spoil children with sweets and things. The trend for parents of young children feeling free to be bossy and controlling to their own parents is always going to create a lot of tension.

I would have just said thank you for the cake and said "DD can have that later" rather than refusing it completely.

He should have got out to say goodbye but the whole cake thing sounds like a lot of drama over not very much, tbh.

Is it not part of being a grandparent to spoil kids with sweets they’d not usually get at home? My kids eat well most of the time, id not be fussed about them being given cake by a grandparent they rarely see. You didn’t need to refuse the cake outright, you could have shared it with your daughter, said you’d take it for later (and binned it if you felt that strongly) or given her a small bit.

I imagine your dad was a bit embarrassed about the cake, given he ended up leaving both and just wanted away from the situation. Not getting out of the car is no biggie, you were all able to say goodbye.

He walked out and wouldn’t get out of car to say goodbye properly as he doesn’t accept no from anyone. Your mum pushed it as well to keep the peace with him. Bipolar is not an excuse neither but as people has said they live far enough away they won’t be part of your support network. I would stick to your boundaries when ever you visit them and if your parents can’t or won’t respect it then you leave.

He is being childish by not saying goodbye properly but honestly I would just forget about this. They live 4 hours away so what if the kids eat too many treats it's only a few times a year. I would take a very different view if they were minding the kids regularly or visiting a few times a week.

Last week my Dad did the same gave kids loads of treats and when we were leaving he pulled out the Roses tin again and I said no they have had enough but he ignored me and insisted they took another. I saw him sneak a fee more into their hands going out the door and pretended to not see. In the overall scheme of things it's not worth getting upset over.

Having boundaries about the type of diet you want your DC to have is entirely a parent's perogative. Ignoring your wishes was extremely rude and then your dad's behaviour was very childish in response.

If someone fed your dog chocolate, despite you asking them not to because it's bad for them, people would not call you bossy and controlling. There seems to be a curious acceptance when it comes to giving other people's DC food that is bad for them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well - if you can't see a difference between something toxic that will potentially kill you, and a piece of cake that's just a bit unhealthy, I'm not really sure what to say 😂

OP could have just accepted the cake, said thank you and binned it, no need to cause any hurt feelings by kicking up a fuss.

Thank you @SpryCat No, he doesn't accept no from anyone and my mum is constantly trying to keep the peace. Living with him is like walking on egg shells. We had a very complicated childhood with him and it's not that I'm against the cake, I don't mind but just not all the time. My mother in law actually respects things really well and will ask us first. I haven't told them that as I guess we're all different but I am wondering what to do in the future as my daughter grows up when similar things happen. I'm tempted just to speak to him about it, one on one wirh the view of trying to understand each other but I'm worried he'll get upset about it.

I think you were being OTT, if they live 4 hours away, they obviously don't get to see their GC that often? you could have let her have a little bit of the cake, then say you will save the rest for later and bin it.
No need for totally diminishing his gesture.

I spoil my grandkids. I only see them once a week/fortnight so they get a little cake, maybe some chocolate. I also give them fruit, healthy food and popcorn as a snack. If it's not a daily occurrence I don't see the issue. But I run it passed their mum.

But, you as a parent, should be able to decide what your children are eating. He gave her the cake anyway, what if she had an allergy or something. It's a hard one.

But why should she worry about hurting their feelings when they don't give a toss about hers by completely ignoring her wishes?

If she doesn't make it clear now, they will keep doing it.

Re the dog, there is no need to be rude. Chocolate was an example. Replace it with something that is known to be unhealthy if that makes it easier for you to understand.

If someone fed your dog chocolate, despite you asking them not to because it's bad for them, people would not call you bossy and controlling.

Chocolate is literally poisonous to a dog, resulting in them being very ill, possibly dying, significant vets bills. In the absence of allergies chocolate isn’t poisonous to children. What a nonsense comparison.

As above, it was an example. I don't have a dog so no idea what is toxic! I used an example of something unhealthy for them.

He gave her the cake anyway, what if she had an allergy or something. It's a hard one.

I’d expect grandparents would know if their grandchild had a significant allergy, but if not surely you’d say “that’s really kind but she’s allergic to X”. I don’t think it’s healthy to have such iron clad rules about how grandparents relate to their grandchildren - it’s a small treat in the context of a wider life where the grandparents aren’t present on a daily/weekly basis. I have fond memories of my grandparents treating me on the occasions that they spent time with me - which wasn’t often due to geography - I’m sure my parents weren’t always delighted but valued us having a relationship with their parents.

You probably should have let the cake go, but his reaction was seriously juvenile. He needed to let it go.

I think you’re ridiculous in your cake ban - occasional overindulgence on sweets is pretty much what distant grandparents are for. But you do you.

Your father was petulant. If his knees pain him that’s probably the reason he gave himself for not getting out of the car to say goodbye, but stropping off in the first place was just silly.

You know he can be difficult (what are “bipolar tendencies”? I didn’t think you could be “a bit bipolar” I thought you weee or you weren’t). YABU to expect him
to change the habits of a lifetime. Keep interactions to a level that you feel comfortable with.

But do loosen up on the cake a couple of times a year. It’s really not that big a deal.

I think your parents should respect your wishes regarding your children’s diet. Grandparents do not have a right to feed the Grandchildren sweets and cake. I am a GP.

As above, it was an example. I don't have a dog so no idea what is toxic! I used an example of something unhealthy for them.

Fair enough, I guess for me dogs aren’t children. I don’t need my dog to have a relationship with my parents and really unless it was something toxic I wouldn’t fuss about the dog getting an occasional sausage roll from my dad.

I wouldn’t want to dictate my dads relationship with my kids, he raised 5 kids to adulthood and while his parenting was problematic to say the least, he loves his grandchildren and is a positive presence in their lives. I think there are bigger battles to pick than a piece of cake.

@MsMajeika I just don't think a kind offer of some cake anything to get worked up about. I would just accept with good grace, say thank you and take it with me "for later".

You can't remotely compare it to dogs and chocolate because chocolate can kill them. If the parents were giving something the child was allergic to then that would be different, of course.

You were rude to him, and he reciprocated it.

I think a healthy dynamic would have been either - you saying 'thank you so much, they look delicious. Something to look forward to for the drive home' (and then packed them away safey and out of sight!)

OR - you saying 'no thank you, they can't eat that'. To which your dad (if the dynamic was uncomplicated) might reply 'no worries. Lovely to see you, have a safe trip'

Neither of these things happened - that is, neither of you backed down. Because there is a history of an unhealthy/unboundaried/he has form for sulking/etc

So you know he has form for this and yet you still refused the choc. You are totally entitled to do that, but you should not be surprised when he then reacts unreasonably.

It is regrettable that often as we get older we seem to have to 'manage' our parents as we do our kids.

To give the dog analogy (since a pp poster mentioned a dog!) we don't set the dog up for failure. So if your dog barks at every passing snail's fart, you anticpate by closing the curtains so that it can't see out the window, and 9 times out 10, that calms things down.

If you lived next door to your parents, I would say the no choc thing is a battle worth fighting. As you do not see them daily, I say give yourself some grace and let this one go.

In these circumstances, rather than saying no, I find instead you say it's a bit much for now (too sickly for the car perhaps) and you could take it home for later.

We faced this situation a fair amount and it's far easier to remove once left

You're making several mountains out of a single mole Hill you need to stop catastrophe and have a good thing about the relationship with your parents. In particular your father in a couple of days. Have a good think about what really happened. Does he not get out of the car to say goodbye Because he was having a strop or is it far more likely he didn't get out of the car because it's very difficult for him with his knees and his weight. ???

your daughter only sees her grandparents. I imagine a few times a year it's really not the time to be making an issue out of what she's eating if she's eating well the other 355 or whatever days a year too many cakes or sweets are not going to hurt her when she sees them.

What do you mean you're not going to leave them with them? Why would you be leaving the children with your parents? Anyway? You're only going up for a visit. Surely you can take the children wherever you decide to go.

Reading your OP it's several different problems. You're rolling into one huge problem. You need to break it down and address each issue separately.

And remember, they won't be around forever

I wouldn’t speak to him, I think you are assuming a level of emotional intelligence that he just doesn’t have and you’ll be more frustrated. The only answer to you saying no to the cake was ok then, adults sulking is not a good look.