Dad wouldn't get out of the car

[Mamaduck87]

Hello!
I would appreciate any thoughts on this to see if it is an overreaction.
Some context first, my parents do not really prioritise healthy eating shall we say and dad has bipolar tendencies.

I have a 6 month old and a 3 and a half year old. We recently went to visit my parents for Christmas (they live 4 hours away). Before leaving to return home, we had gone out for lunch. At the end, my dad brought two very stodgy chocolate millionaire type cakes and offered one to my daughter. I said she wasn't allowed it (something similar happened the day before where my daughter was happily eating an orange and they offered cake so of course she wanted that. My mum then ignored my husband when he said no. So this happened again, so I said to my mum that I had said no. My dad then leaves both cakes and says he has to leave. No hug or anything. I asked my mum if he realised that we weren't going back to their house before leaving, we were leaving straight from there as we were on the way already and had a 4hr drive back. She called him and he came back saying he didn't realise we were going.
The bit that upsets me is that he wouldn't get out of his car to say goodbye properly. We even waited a minute and when it became apparent that he wouldn't get out, my husband picked our daughter up to say bye through the car window.

We don't know when we will see them next and I was thinking it was very rude. This is not the first time and I find it rude. I'm also aware that I'm teaching my children social skills and boundaries which we have struggled with as a family growing up. I don't what them thinking that's normal behaviour.

Is this an overreaction? We feel that we now really can't leave our children with them as we don't trust them regarding sweets and cakes. It doesn't help that every time my dad speaks to my daughter on the phone, he says they can have sweeties and jelly. I'm not sure if he just thinks as a grandparent, he can spoil her a bit but I also think he says it to annoy me as he knows I will disapprove. To add, planning days out with them is very difficult as he has weak knees, overweight and won't walk anywhere. He needs to park right outside a café/restaurant and he has no idea how to play with my children.

Really let it go.assive over reaction

I don't think I was clear enough as a lot of people think I am anti cake. I'm not at all, I do let my daughter have some sometimes. I like to just give her what is appropriate though. The cake was huge and really stodgy. If it was a flapjack or just a small piece, broken off then yeah sure. My dad once dipped my daughter's dummy in melted chocolate sauce when she was 3.5momths old and tried to feed it to her so you can see why there was to be some limits.

I was just wondering if the car thing would bother other people too?

Sometimes you need to pick your battles. If you saw them all the time it would be a little different however, if they're 4 hours away how many cakes can they be offering your daughter? If you're not looking to upset the situation, taking the cake for later would be a good suggestion or even having a small piece of it. Families are hard sometimes.

The car thing was a direct reaction to you refusing the cake, though, I don't think you can try and untangle them.

You didn't have to let your DD eat the cake then and there - just say thank you, take it home, give her a small piece later and either eat the rest yourself or chuck it in the bin 🤷‍♀️

I don't think I was clear enough as a lot of people think I am anti cake.

It’s not about whether you are anti-cake, though saying you won’t leave your kids with your parents suggests more than “I’d rather they didn’t have cake”. You responded to your dad in a way that upset him and are now upset about his reaction.

There were a number of ways to deal with the cake in a more tactful way that would have helped the relationship with your parents, without giving your child cake. I often wonder how people ever maintain family relationships when they’re so busy holding tight to “boundaries” that undermine normal human interaction.

He wants to treat your kids every now and then. Let it go.

"I am a GP"

My dad then leaves both cakes and says he has to leave. No hug or anything. I asked my mum if he realised that we weren't going back to their house before leaving, we were leaving straight from there as we were on the way already and had a 4hr drive back. She called him and he came back saying he didn't realise we were going Do you mean he actually drove off, leaving your mum to be driven home by you? Yes, that really was rude of him for leaving like that, irrespective of whether he thought you were driving back to their house.

The bit that upsets me is that he wouldn't get out of his car to say goodbye properly. We even waited a minute and when it became apparent that he wouldn't get out, my husband picked our daughter up to say bye through the car window If he’s overweight and has problems with his knees then my guess would be that he was in quite a bit of pain, he’d used all his energy walking in to where you were sitting and simply didn’t have it in him to get out of the car to say goodbye properly. I think you’ve got every right to be upset with him for stomping off when he was told to stop with the cakes, and I completely agree that you wouldn’t want your children to think that that was normal behaviour, but I think this bit might be attributed to pain rather than rudeness. It probably would have been better if he’d opened the car door and held out his arms for your DD to give him a hug, rather than just winding the window down, but it does sound like he’s lacking in social skills.

Is this an overreaction? I wouldn’t say it was an overreaction because he does sound quite rude. And if it takes you a while to get your DC back to happily eating a healthier diet after they’ve seen them, then I can also see why you’d want to be really firm on minimising sugar and sweets. But if they go back to fruit etc quite happily, I don’t think it would be that harmful for them to enjoy sweets etc, especially as it’s an irregular thing. Teaching them about balance is part of your job as a parent and it’s the perfect chance to be able to say to them that they’ve eaten rubbish all weekend, so now they need to concentrate on fruit & veg for a while.

I'm not sure if he just thinks as a grandparent, he can spoil her a bit but I also think he says it to annoy me as he knows I will disapprove Yeah, that’s unacceptable. Completely wrong and smacks a bit of him trying to play power games.

To add, planning days out with them is very difficult as he has weak knees, overweight and won't walk anywhere. He needs to park right outside a café/restaurant and he has no idea how to play with my children Here’s where I think you might be being a bit unreasonable. Yes, his mobility issues are probably more to do with his weight than his age, but they’re here and so expecting him to walk round an attraction or on a trek through the countryside is never going to result in a lovely day out for anyone. That, and the fact that he isn’t sitting on the floor playing dolls, isn’t going to make him a rubbish grandparent. Do you remember playing with your grandparents? I definitely didn’t with mine, but I still had a lovely relationship with them. It might be that he’s more of a talker than a ‘player’ and that he’ll come into his own as your DC get older. And as an occasional wheelchair user myself, I know that many attractions have wheelchairs or mobility scooters to hire for the day, and you can buy a wheelchair from Amazon very cheaply. A quick Google shows a bariatric chair for under £300. He might be far more enthusiastic if walking wasn’t a barrier.

Maybe he went out to the car to stop himself from saying something to you, because he didn't want an argument to happen.

It’s a cake. It’s not actually poisonous.

People are jumping on the word cake rather than the fact your Father doesn't accept No as an answer
I think the later is far more important, and I would be thinking very hard about just home much contact you want your daughter to have with someone who doesn't accept boundaries.

I feel sorry for your dad, he was trying to be kind and do his best. You could have definately said, "Thank you very much, dad, we'll keep it for later on after dad's dinner." It looks lovely." I think you were OTT and rude to give it back. A couple of sweets and a jelly isn't the end of the world either, but of course it is up to you how you bring your dcs up. I don't think the way you've acted over the cake is a great message for them either though.

Your parents live 4 hours away, so probably want to spoil dcs when they see them; it's what grandparents do.

I wish my dad was here to bring treats over for my young children. One day you'll look back, and realise these small annoying traits are actually what we love the most.
I've just emptied two huge gift bags full of far too many sweets that dm brought over for Christmas, some duplicates. I have date ordered them and stored all of the good date ones away. It actually brought a tear to my eye. There is far too many, I don't agree with how much there is, but they were graciously received. If I need to donate some I will.
Please don't let petty dramas like this consume you, give your dad a hug.

Do they want to see your kids often and without you?

"Dd's dinner', not "dad's"

Well you hid the fact he has mobility issues and bad knees at the end of your post, it would play a big part in why he didn't get out of the car!

I don't know why you waited and didn't just go over to the car to say good bye.

Also you need to lighten up on the cakes, you don't see them often so it's not going to impact the children negatively.

OP could have just accepted the cake, said thank you and binned it, no need to cause any hurt feelings

That. My mum in law would always offer my kids biscuits and chocolates just as we were leaving. I think it was a gesture of goodbye love. Kind of a sweet version of a hug (though it took me a long time to realise that). I used to inwardly roll my eyes, but refusing to take them, I realise now, would be like rejecting that goodbye hug.
Again, now I'm a grandmother, I understand that those goodbyes were sad for her, as they lived a distance away. I'm very glad that I never made a big fuss about it, as she'd have been really hurt.

Exactly, I bet op's df felt it was thrown back in his face. My dm expresses her love through gifts, and would be deeply hurt if I rejected things. I don't agree with giving gifts back. I teach my dcs to be polite, and say thank you, and demonstrate this infront of them too.

Agree with this. It's not really about the cake. Sounds like op recognises this as part of how her dad behaves, and it's not OK. If he won't be guided by what she wants for her kids, I can understand her reluctance to have them spend time with him

But op hasn't mentioned df doing this about anything else? They live 4 hours away. Imo this is dramatic over something very small, and getting blown up into a huge overstep of boundaries. I really isn't.

What do you mean by "bipolar tendencies", OP? Does he have a diagnosis? I'm not sure what you're getting at.

She mentioned that there were problems with boundaries and relationships growing up, and that her dad responds badly to "no" and her mum is always trying to make things OK. Maybe I'm reading between the lines but it sounds like there's history which is being played out in Cakegate/Cargate.

What you are teaching your child is that it is OK to be rude when offered things. I’m not surprised your Dad removed himself, probably to stop him saying something he’d regret.

How unkind to piss all over his gesture like that. All you needed to say was “Gosh that’s big, maybe just a little bit right now” and accept it graciously while cutting a smaller portion.

and the fact that you keep insisting that you are not completely anti-cake makes this even worse as it wasn’t even that much of a strong principle for you!

Honestly, overreaction. I’m assuming that this is a pretty rare one off and your dad eats healthily 90 % of the time?
Two pieces of cake at Christmas, honestly, I’d let it go.
You’ll struggle coping when she’s at parties every weekend.

They mean they are a grandparent, not a GP doctor.

ty for putting me right @HotCrossBunplease
(it did make me lol)