Dad wouldn't get out of the car

[Mamaduck87]

Hello!
I would appreciate any thoughts on this to see if it is an overreaction.
Some context first, my parents do not really prioritise healthy eating shall we say and dad has bipolar tendencies.

I have a 6 month old and a 3 and a half year old. We recently went to visit my parents for Christmas (they live 4 hours away). Before leaving to return home, we had gone out for lunch. At the end, my dad brought two very stodgy chocolate millionaire type cakes and offered one to my daughter. I said she wasn't allowed it (something similar happened the day before where my daughter was happily eating an orange and they offered cake so of course she wanted that. My mum then ignored my husband when he said no. So this happened again, so I said to my mum that I had said no. My dad then leaves both cakes and says he has to leave. No hug or anything. I asked my mum if he realised that we weren't going back to their house before leaving, we were leaving straight from there as we were on the way already and had a 4hr drive back. She called him and he came back saying he didn't realise we were going.
The bit that upsets me is that he wouldn't get out of his car to say goodbye properly. We even waited a minute and when it became apparent that he wouldn't get out, my husband picked our daughter up to say bye through the car window.

We don't know when we will see them next and I was thinking it was very rude. This is not the first time and I find it rude. I'm also aware that I'm teaching my children social skills and boundaries which we have struggled with as a family growing up. I don't what them thinking that's normal behaviour.

Is this an overreaction? We feel that we now really can't leave our children with them as we don't trust them regarding sweets and cakes. It doesn't help that every time my dad speaks to my daughter on the phone, he says they can have sweeties and jelly. I'm not sure if he just thinks as a grandparent, he can spoil her a bit but I also think he says it to annoy me as he knows I will disapprove. To add, planning days out with them is very difficult as he has weak knees, overweight and won't walk anywhere. He needs to park right outside a café/restaurant and he has no idea how to play with my children.

I don't know of a single restaurant or cafe that wouldn't let a child take a cake away in a takeaway box if they wanted to save it for later or were a bit full.

It's just making an unnecessary mountain out of a molehill, IMO. Having boundaries is fine, but there's a time and place to enforce them, and for me, this wasn't it.

OP, as you have said, this has nothing to do with cake or him refusing to get out of the car.

You grew up with an overbearing, controlling father. I get it, I did too.

You no longer live under his control and you are trying to assert yourself but in all the wrong ways if you want to maintain a relationship with him and for him to have a relationship with your child.

He doesn’t control you any more. He no longer has a say in how you live. You don’t need to prove anything. You can let things go, roll your eyes and walk away.

Nobody is "forcing a child to eat crap".

OP could have taken the cake for later, said "thanks dad, that's very kind of you" and chucked it in the bin - and avoided the whole drama.

Ignore the derail about whether you should have accepted the cake or not. You haven’t provided people with nearly enough detail for posters to have any valid opinion on whether or not it was poor of you not to allow the cake. Don’t waste your time justifying yourself to or arguing with posters who are just trying to find a reason to have a go at you.

You made a decision about your DD which, even if you had got it wrong, your parents should have respected without fuss. Turning down an offer of food isn’t impolite unless you aren’t nice in the way you do it.

Your DF was pretty unfriendly when you left. Not what you normally expect from people who are supposed to love you and it doesn’t seem like it was an isolated incident. So YANBU to be upset about it. The question is, should you do anything about it?

I wouldn’t worry too much about your DC witnessing it and learning poor social behaviour unless you know a lot of people like your DF. They will experience lots of different ways people behave. The key is to make the majority positive, model good behaviour yourselves and, if it comes up naturally, point out in a kind way that the less good behaviour doesn’t feel as nice to be on the receiving end of.

For yourself, it sounds like you want to keep seeing your DP, so I think you need to mentally detach a bit and just accept your DF tries to be controlling but you don’t need to acquiesce. Don’t pander to him unless it suits you to. Shrug a lot more. I’m not sure if it would help at all, but you could also consider seeing your DM without your DF around, though a 4hr journey may make that impractical.

I think if you haven't grown up with a parent like this, it's very easy to say 'just take the cake, be polite, he was being nice' etc. He was being overbearing and then sulked when OP stood up to him. Why is everyone focused on OP and telling her how best to manage another person's emotions for him? He should have asked before ordering the cake, and then accepted her 'no' graciously. He's the one who caused the scene.

People are focusing on the OP because she's the one on here asking questions. If her dad was on here asking, people would likely give different advice.

I think you were both wrong.

I would have said to dad when I saw the cake "oh how lovely, give her a bite now and we'll keep the rest to have when we get home as we are leaving in a minute and I don't want her too full on such a long journey."

Acknowledge, deflect and distract is a good technique for managing both GParents and toddlers.

You are saying he spoiled your idea of a nice end but you did the same to him over giving his granddaughter a cake.

Could you not just have said 'that's a bit much before the car so we'll save this bit for the journey ' and cut off a piece for her to eat now?

If I'd bought something and it was rejected outright I might feel a bit hurt too.

Bit of give and take helps all these situations.

“The job of a parent is to bring up a child correctly. The job of a grandparent is to undo all their hard work” appears on greeting cards. It’s a joke which light-hearted parents enjoy.
Giving his grandchildren sweets and cake is your father’s way of indulging them, of being fun and frivolous rather than totally abiding by sensible health-conscious rules. It really is easier being a grandparent as time slots are brief. He knows this, you know it, and I’m sure your mother doesn’t want to be in the middle of the tug of war. Stop reproving him, parenting him, thinking you’ve swapped roles. You’ve all moved up the generational ladder at the same time for the same reason.
Lighten up OP and turn a blind eye to his “naughtiness”. Your children will see it for what it is and thoroughly enjoy it. You should too.

You were rude to him - he bought the kids a treat and you told him no instead of saying ‘thanks dad, we’ll have it when we get home’. So yes, he maybe walked off to his car in a bit of a sulk.
I have bad knees and getting in and out of a car is really difficult at times. He did not need to get out to say goodbye, I wouldn’t necessarily get out of my car to say bye to my grandchildren if their parent was able to life them up to the window.
I am NOT a GP.

I would say your Dad feels that every time he tries to share with his Granddaughter he gets rebuked, maybe he has just given up ever trying to be a nice Grandparent. This is a you problem not a him problem.

Very well said. This thread makes me think of the prequel to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, where his dad is a dentist and has him in braces, and doesn't let him have a single piece of chocolate. He then goes on the run the sweets factory 😂

I have, and I still wouldn't treat them like this. There's nicer ways, this isn't an excuse imo.

I think you might underestimate the effort and discomfort involved in getting in and out of a car if someone is overweight and has bad knees.

Well if you are going to challenge the status quo (which you are clear you want to) then you are going to get some reaction. But why let the reaction infuriate or upset you? Ok, dad has chosen not to get out of the car. So you can choose whether to go over or not. It's not you that looks rude or foolish. He's not modelling badly to your child because it is you they will take their lead from - essentially you can't control him. It's not a power struggle unless you make it one too. You can only control your own actions and reactions. Keep going though, you're changing your unhealthy family dynamic but by bit.

I completely understand OP, ensuring that DCs have a good diet is really important and that includes all the "treats" that GPs offer, including your Dad. Please persevere and I think you are 100% right to do what you did. My GPs had me a lot when I was young and honestly my diet has suffered because of it. My GPs couldn't really cope (I see that now as an adult) and just gave me choc and cake to keep me happy. It wasn't their fault but it's caused me bad eating issues all my life as it's really intertwined with emotional stuff too. Stick to your guns and stand up to them about this, your Dad was just having his way and trying to cause upset. Maybe he also feels its a criticism of him if he is overweight too (not that this is your fault, but perhaps he took it wrongly).

I assume he isn't able to stuff your DD with cake, jellies and sweeties like the childcatcher if he lives 4 hours away? In which case, I'd just discretely bin them or ration them out.

As for getting out of the car. Why did your DF have get out of the car? When presented with disabled and/or older people my natural instinct would be to go to their car and wave goodbye rather than expecting them to.

I think saying goodbye from the car is totally fine. It wouldn't occur to me to feel bothered by that. I'm just being honest. Sorry if usually he's the huggy, grandiose farewell type, though. Only you know what he's usually like.

That was my feeling.

I think there's a bit of power play with the Op who feels he was overly controlling to her, so she's trying to control him now.

It's easy to deal with those sort of situations.
"Oh thank you. We've got a long journey back, so it'll be lovely to have a snack for them on the way/when they get home."
Wrap it in a napkin, or ask for a takeaway bag - the last place I did that produced these very posh boxes and did one per child which they loved.
Then when you get back a quick text
"Home safely. Thanks for cakes. Just going to have them now/they loved them" or whatever.

Everything kept pleasant, and no feelings hurt.

We were only allowed chocolate on Sundays and sweet things were very strictly rationed. Only homemade cakes etc. My parents love spoiling the grandchildren; the grandchildren love being spoilt.
Sometimes I look on as they take them for a meal and ply them with drinks and cakes "and let's buy one for later" with a wry smile and think how df would have looked at the menu and announced "there's nothing cheaper than ten shillings" (yes this was the 80s/90s) "I'd expect to buy the table and chairs and have change for that".
But they get a lot of pleasure out of it, and I now understand that it was partially that they did worry about money and don't have to any more. And we live 6 hours away and don't see them enough.