Dad wouldn't get out of the car

[Mamaduck87]

Hello!
I would appreciate any thoughts on this to see if it is an overreaction.
Some context first, my parents do not really prioritise healthy eating shall we say and dad has bipolar tendencies.

I have a 6 month old and a 3 and a half year old. We recently went to visit my parents for Christmas (they live 4 hours away). Before leaving to return home, we had gone out for lunch. At the end, my dad brought two very stodgy chocolate millionaire type cakes and offered one to my daughter. I said she wasn't allowed it (something similar happened the day before where my daughter was happily eating an orange and they offered cake so of course she wanted that. My mum then ignored my husband when he said no. So this happened again, so I said to my mum that I had said no. My dad then leaves both cakes and says he has to leave. No hug or anything. I asked my mum if he realised that we weren't going back to their house before leaving, we were leaving straight from there as we were on the way already and had a 4hr drive back. She called him and he came back saying he didn't realise we were going.
The bit that upsets me is that he wouldn't get out of his car to say goodbye properly. We even waited a minute and when it became apparent that he wouldn't get out, my husband picked our daughter up to say bye through the car window.

We don't know when we will see them next and I was thinking it was very rude. This is not the first time and I find it rude. I'm also aware that I'm teaching my children social skills and boundaries which we have struggled with as a family growing up. I don't what them thinking that's normal behaviour.

Is this an overreaction? We feel that we now really can't leave our children with them as we don't trust them regarding sweets and cakes. It doesn't help that every time my dad speaks to my daughter on the phone, he says they can have sweeties and jelly. I'm not sure if he just thinks as a grandparent, he can spoil her a bit but I also think he says it to annoy me as he knows I will disapprove. To add, planning days out with them is very difficult as he has weak knees, overweight and won't walk anywhere. He needs to park right outside a café/restaurant and he has no idea how to play with my children.

What you are teaching your child is that it is OK to be rude when offered things.

Exactly this. You say "thank you dad, what a lovely thought" and put it away or later. You could so easily have said "not straight after lunch/before a long journey" and that would have been the perfect excuse.

DD, not dad 🤣

I think that you were quite rude and that you demonstrated poor social skills and bad manners in front of your DD. It really wouldn’t have killed you (or your DD) if you had accepted it gracefully. You could have given her a small amount later or not given it to her at all, but you actually caused embarrassment and made and unnecessary fuss.

For context, my daughter does eat cake and sweet things from time to time. She does not have to eat it all the time but I'd say she is definitely not deprived of sweet things. We go to France a lot as husband is French and she does very well at the bakery. I just had a problem with that particular cake, it looked horrid.

For someone who asked if my dad eats healthily and assumed he does, no he definitely does not. Think eating out for most meals and eating heavy meals. So yes, trying to teach her moderation and enjoying treats and sweet stuff but not having a problem with fruit.

This is not an isolated incident. See the time she was offered melted chocolate on her dummy at 3.5months old. She is usually tricky for a week when we come back and I seem like the bad guy all the time.

For other people who said it wasn't about the cake, you've hit the nail on the head. This is definitely a power struggle where it doesn't have to be. My dad is not happy whenever I've wanted to make life decisions as an adult including stopping me from moving out until I was 29 years old. I'm trying to have a relationship with him so appreciate helpful advice and insights from other people.

I just had a problem with that particular cake, it looked horrid.

But you didn't have to make that obvious to your dad. You just say thank you for the kind gesture, take it home, offer a little bit to DD if you want to, or throw it away if not.

The chocolate sauce on the dummy thing is problematic, but IMO the time to make a point isn't when your dad has bought his granddaughter a bit of cake.

Whether posters think the OP is too strict re food/cake isn’t the issue.
The issue is that the OP and her dh both told the GP not to do something and they ignore them.
Thats not ok. Regardless of what it is, surely, you have a discussion about it afterwards but you don’t override a parent in front of the child.
The staying in the car was to make a point. I’m angry you don’t do as you’re told. It’s PA and controlling.

@Mamaduck87 I think your reaction will depend on bad your parents are.
In a case like this, I’d just ignore him. I wouldn’t try to get his attention. I’d wave goodbye and turn my back. His choice after all to behave like a kid.

If your parents have a strong tendency to simply ignore any request (like with the dummy), then you need to wonder if you can leave dd with them for any length of time.

Well then, it sounds like you held your boundaries and then he made his own. You acted in a way that he thought was rude, and you didn’t care about his feelings as you wanted to make a point, then he did exactly the same to you.

Why?
Why the need to appease at all cost?
And do you really think the dd would have been happy with a ‘let’s put it in a box for later’ when grand dad has already proposed to give her some cake? Assuming 1- it was possible to bring said cake back and 2- grand dad would have been happy with the compromise (I suspect he wouldn’t)

So if it wasn't about the cake, why didn't you just take it and say that DC could have it later, instead of spurning his gesture and hurting his feelings?

As i said earlier, the point where your child and grandchildren leave, when they live far away, is an emotional one. We grandparents try to hide it, but we're generally upset to see you leave. And to be made e to feel that you've done something wrong, at that very point that you've tried to make a loving gesture (however clumsily) is gutting.

Speaking as someone with a dysfunctional family like this who has been to hell and back trying to get them to respect me, I can say it's a complete waste of time and if I had my life over again I'd have walked away years ago and saved myself about another decade of pain and drama. As it is I'm about to do it now. These types of people are incapable of respecting others so they will never ever change.

There's no such thing as bipolar tendencies OP. Someone either has bipolar disorder or they don't. Do you mean he has strong emotional reactions to things especially things he doesn't like ? Bipolar doesn't cause that.

I'm amazed people are seeing this as a kind gesture - it sounds far more like a passive aggressive attempt at control and that this goes back a long way. I'd get yourself some therapy, OP, to help you work out what sort of relationship you want with him and how you're going to negotiate their relationship with your kids.

Because the OP said “I'm also aware that I'm teaching my children social skills and boundaries which we have struggled with as a family growing up”.

The polite thing to do to teach “social skills” would have been to say thank you for the gift, not reject it because OP didn’t like the look of that particular bit of cake (as she has since explained that she doesn’t have anything against cake but that she didn’t like the look of the one he had chosen)

Actually I love that answer @Mamaduck87
Because it showed that, even from the outside, from people who think it was more important to appease your dad,
1- you held onto your boundaries
2- he reacted to that and threw a strop. A very normal reaction from someone who wants to control people but doesn’t get his own way.

The reality is that you are likely to ‘fall out’ with your parents a lot because you’re doing your own things and showing they can’t control you.
No controlling person likes to see people standing up to them.

You’ll need to do a lot of ‘grey rock’ if you want to maintain some sort of relationship
(and fwiw my own grand parents were like this. My parents did a lot of appeasing when I was growing up. Result: I couldn’t stand said grand parents and cut ties as soon as I could)

It's not "appeasing" to just be polite and accept a gift from someone.

I see so many people on here enforcing "boundaries" constantly, and then wondering why they struggle with relationships. Not saying this necessarily applies to OP, but this just isn't something I'd get worked up over.

Take the cake, say "thanks dad, DD will love having that with her dinner" and that's that. There's just no need to turn it into a huge drama.

The right thing to do is to teach children to stand up for themselves and hold boundaries.

From an adult who, as a child, was only shown how to appease and avoid conflict rather than stand up for themselves/their values or boundaries.

So.....you ask if your father overreacted. Obviously not....as you subsequently say he doesn't like being told no. He was simply running true to form

You then say your parents live 4 hours away from you and you won't see them again for ages

Why couldn't you have taken the cake, smiled happily, said "thankyou ...granddaughter can have it later, that's so kind of you, Dad"

Why did you have to make such a palaver about it? Especially knowing what your Dad is like and how YOUR overreaction will affect your Mum (having to be with pissed off Dad)

They were having lunch outside the house.
The cakes came on a plate - not something you eat later.
And it was a repeat of the day before when her mum ignored her dh who says cake wasn’t ok.

It wasn’t a kind gift to a child.

As a pp said, accepting the gift of a cake is not 'appeasing' it's being polite, and in this case, when you're about to leave after a visit, it's showing empathy.

Why are boundaries only supposed to work in one direction anyway? Why can't GPs have boundaries too? And maybe OP's dad's boundaries of being treated politely when he offers a gift, should be respected too.

I think you could have said 'thank you very much grandad, we'll keep it for later'
But him sulking like a child is very manipulative and controlling.

Yes exactly. Do you want to be “right” about something on which there is no objective right or wrong answer? Do you want to involve yourself in power struggles?

You can “enforce your boundaries” and create “red-lines” to control other people’s behaviour. Or you can think about matters to ensure a good relationship with your parents and for your child to have a good relationship with their grandparents.

What exactly do you think is going to happen if your child eats a piece of cake? You are 100% cutting off your nose to spite your face here. Unclench and let your parents - who live hundreds of miles away - spoil their grandchild when they see her. She is not going to become obese because of the odd bit of stodgy millionaire's shortbread.

The issues with your relationship with your father are separate.

Yes, I was confused by that.

So he is overweight and unhealthy and now wants your kids to be the same.

He is disgusting and I wouldn't want any more to do with him.

She doesn't want her kid eating crap.

Exactly.

You don't have to be polite if someone is forcing your child to eat crap.