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Original poster

Different cultures approach after birth?

111 replies

Cornecopia · 02/01/2025 10:05

Good morning guys. Following on from a thread I read earlier it has got me thinking…. A lady was upset that there hadn’t been much help after her baby had been born, ie people offering to clean her home/cooking her meals etc.
one comment said that the way people in England do things is ‘bordering on torterous’ meaning we are expected to have the baby, carry on as normal with minimal help from family and friends. I personally have 3DCs and had very little help from anyone when they were babies-but I didn’t expect it either (apart from their father of course)
this had me wondering how do other cultures do things?

OP posts:
ShiftySquirrel · 02/01/2025 18:56

My mum came to stay for two weeks after each of my DC were born. She was absolutely marvellous! She did some cooking, cleaning and washing and helped with baby.
DM has Indian heritage. She fortunately was working part time and able to juggle that for me.

DH was back at work within two days each time so I really needed that help.

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 19:10

Gwenhwyfar · 02/01/2025 17:42

I missed that one...

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The village collapsed when the OP told her daughter she wouldn’t be looking after the DGC anymore as she obviously wasn’t doing a satisfactory job. It was long overdue TBH - the daughter complained about everything you can think of: food, naps, car seats, how diluted the squash was, how they played with the GC. There was a telling off at every pick up and no respect or autonomy for the grandparents to actually enjoy their time with the child.

MollyRover · 02/01/2025 19:31

@StormingNorman are you going to skip over the fact that the DGM had escaped but left said DDs with her abusive ex DH for years and that DDs were both in fact working in childcare themselves? Not to mention part of the problem was how DGM new partner interacted with the DGC. Talk about cherry picking!!

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MuddyPawsIndoors · 02/01/2025 19:32

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 16:05

I agree with you about misogyny in healthcare. If antibiotics gave men thrush, they’d have solved the problem by now!

Bit it’s important to remember that most new mums aren’t discharged to their own devices. They have partners who should be stepping up to provide support. Hospitals are an expensive place just to have a kip. That can be done at home with dad doing everything a nurse would do to make sure mum rested.

Show quote history

I agree with you about misogyny in healthcare. If antibiotics gave men thrush, they’d have solved the problem by now!

Both my ex husband and my DS nearly always get thrush after antibiotics??

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/01/2025 19:56

ginasevern · 02/01/2025 18:28

@ChateauMargaux

"The Utopian idea of the village that supports families with new borns is based on unwritten contracts between the villagers and the families where grandparents gave up their jobs / businesses / houses to help the next generation"

This is indeed Utopian. I'm nearly 70 years old and never knew anyone's parents who gave up gave up their jobs, houses or businesses to help out with a new born or the next generation. For a start, people didn't have that much money or assets years ago and certainly weren't in a position to give away the roof over their heads. Giving houses/assets and large lump sums of cash to adult children is way more prevalent now, in particular to avoid IHT etc, and because a lot of baby boomers are in a good position. Parents may very well have given a job or partnership to their son/daughter in the family business but they wouldn't dream of chucking the business in to take care of grandchildren. Help from your parents for most people in my day was very limited. Many women didn't work so you'd probably get help from your mum/MIL with a new baby for the first month but generally you were expected to cope, just as they had. There is far, far more financial help and childcare offered from grandparents these days.

Edited

I agree. I'm the same age as you. My own parents (born 1925) had no help from their own parents either as we lived too far away among other reasons..

Whiteskies · 02/01/2025 20:21

@CaptainMyCaptain
I'm the same age and this mythical idea that the village arrived forty odd years ago and gave mothers then an easy ride is nonsense. I think it is because so many posters are middle class they cannot imagine that most women have always worked along side having babies. I went back to work and there weren't nurseries around every corner. I chummed up with a school Mum who took my kids to school and kept them until I collected them after work. She was grateful to earn some money that she could fit around school hours.
Neither of our mothers appeared to help. My mum was still working full time. She retired at 65 and then took a part time job until 70.
Parents today have so much more help from the state and from the legal rights with regard to flexible working.
Like most of our friends, my husband and I topped and tailed working. I belonged to a baby sitting circle and if we wanted an evening out we had to babysit for someone else first to earn tokens.
I imagine there are still loads of families who have to adopt the same methods of relying on themselves to raise their families.

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 20:33

MollyRover · 02/01/2025 19:31

@StormingNorman are you going to skip over the fact that the DGM had escaped but left said DDs with her abusive ex DH for years and that DDs were both in fact working in childcare themselves? Not to mention part of the problem was how DGM new partner interacted with the DGC. Talk about cherry picking!!

are you going to skip over the fact that the DGM had escaped but left said DDs with her abusive ex DH for years and that DDs were both in fact working in childcare themselves?

If they had questions over her ability to care for children, they shouldn’t have left them with her in the first place. So one can only assume her suitability to care for them wasn’t in question.

Not to mention part of the problem was how DGM new partner interacted with the DGC.

I mentioned here that the daughter didn’t like how their (step) grandfather played with his grandchildren.

HTH x

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 20:33

MuddyPawsIndoors · 02/01/2025 19:32

I agree with you about misogyny in healthcare. If antibiotics gave men thrush, they’d have solved the problem by now!

Both my ex husband and my DS nearly always get thrush after antibiotics??

Show quote history

Really? I didn’t know men could.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/01/2025 20:34

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 20:33

Really? I didn’t know men could.

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https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/thrush-in-men-and-women/

MuddyPawsIndoors · 02/01/2025 21:50

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 20:33

Really? I didn’t know men could.

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Yes! It seems to happen almost every time.

Well, not sure about my ex now but my DS still suffers.

ginasevern · 03/01/2025 17:11

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/01/2025 19:56

I agree. I'm the same age as you. My own parents (born 1925) had no help from their own parents either as we lived too far away among other reasons..

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Absolutely. Younger people seem to have bought into this mythical realm where everyone helped to look after your kids and nobody locked their front doors! I think they've watched too many films. Things were in fact a hell of a lot tougher and rougher back then. There was no state support and very little help, financial or otherwise, from anyone else either.

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