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Original poster

Wealthy friend who constantly pleads poverty

102 replies

snowynight · 31/12/2024 11:19

I have a friend who I've known for nearly 20 years. Her husband is on a 6-figure salary and she lives in a house worth £1m +. Financially she doesn't need to work, but she has a full time job she often complains about, but then says she has to earn and build her pension. I'm a single parent who brought up my ds on my own, often genuinely struggling for money and having to stay in stressful jobs that have negatively impacted my health. If I was in her situation I would give up work.

I never reproach her for her good fortune and wouldn't dream of telling her how easy her life is compared to mine, but I find her constant complaints about being hard up tough to take. She seems to go out of her way to deny the difference between us, belittling my genuine difficulties, which she is well aware of.

Otherwise she has been a good friend, and I enjoy her company, but her self pity is making it hard for me to be around her. I don't know why she can't appreciate her good fortune and be grateful for it.

Any perspectives on this very welcome - her constant complaints really get to me!

OP posts:
user23124 · 31/12/2024 11:21

have you told her to put a sock in it? I had to say "Mate, we could live off what you waste" to one friend to ram the message home but it worked and we are still friends.

Original poster
snowynight · 31/12/2024 11:25

After a particularly extensive moan about her lack of pension I did point out that she is entitled to half her husband's pension, which she had to acknowledge was true, but it seems to make no difference. Most of the time though I seethe silently.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 31/12/2024 11:28

You really do need to ask her why she thinks she can complain to you when she has so much more than you do. I think I would be quite sharp about that. Does she ever complain in messages? If she does those would be easy to deal with.

DivineHour · 31/12/2024 11:28

Csn you give specific examples of exactly what she’s complaining about?

Proteinbananas · 31/12/2024 11:30

Are things ok with her husband though? I've seen enough posts on here from women with wealthy husbands who are being financially abused to wonder if that's the reason she frets about finances.

LuckysDadsHat · 31/12/2024 11:31

I have a friend like this. Always going on holidays, theatre shows, concerts etc..... like literally 3 or 4 shows a month. Then saying how skint she is. When I say maybe cut back on the events I get told it's all about making memories and you can't take it with you..... then says we need to get out and do more stuff, well no as we are fucking skint! We can't afford to "make the memories" with spending hundreds on theatre tickets. We have to make do with the local parks etc.... and free events. That's what being fucking skint means.

GreyBlackBay · 31/12/2024 11:32

She sounds worried about her financial security. What would happen if dh died before retirement? If he's final salary she might get a widows pension but not a pot of money. Maybe he doesn't have a good pension, maybe he's a secret gambler and spends all their money.

Or maybe she's poorer than some of her rich friends.

I'd still say something like 'yes I'm so worried too, let's not talk about it it makes me anxious' and repeat.

atotalshambles · 31/12/2024 11:36

She might have a rich husband but if they divorce then she could end up in financial difficulties. Divorce settlements are not generous to women like they used to be in terms of spousal support. Assets are split 50/50 normally but if the £1m house is all mortgage then the actual assets are small. Life can turn on a sixpence.

ShowerOfShites · 31/12/2024 11:36

Everyone has struggles, hers are different to yours but no less valid.

That's what comes of two friends having hugely different incomes.

I'd weigh up how important the friendship is to me, but after 20 years I'd probably decide it's important enough for me to let her offload her (albeit very different) problems to me.

DefyingGravy · 31/12/2024 11:37

Can you not have an open and honest conversation with her?

She might go on about working to earn a pension because she knows you don’t understand why she works, or thinks you are judging her.

She might have other richer friends so feels poorer than she is.

She might just be commenting on things being expensive (I earn well but I’ll still say I’m not going to do/buy something as it’s gone up in price so much it doesn’t feel worth it), and you might misinterpret what she’s saying.

They might be crap with money. I’ve got some very wealthy friends - 2 high-powered jobs, house must be worth £3m or £5m. But the man mentioned he has no pension (and he’s approaching 60) - he wasn’t moaning just mentioned as a fact. Divorce, school fees, mortgage, I can see how that’s happened (but I’m not sympathetic!).

She might be tactless and need it spelt out.

ShowerOfShites · 31/12/2024 11:37

And good on her for wanting to work to provide her own pension.

Doesn't mean she can't moan about her job.

Most of us moan about our jobs at some point.

Chewbecca · 31/12/2024 11:40

Working to build up a pension is a pretty genuine reason to my mind.

I guess she is saying she has spent all her available money and has limited funds, very likely even with a good income coming in.

I don't think I would get cross about her being financially sensible.

Although I do completely see it might be annoying, I think she genuinely feels the way she does.

Donotgogentle · 31/12/2024 11:48

The fact she’s working full time in a job she complains about rather than living off her husband suggests she does need to work for money.

I think you’re being unfair tbh, your main complaint seems to be that she justifies working, which is surely to be applauded?

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 31/12/2024 11:54

Proteinbananas · 31/12/2024 11:30

Are things ok with her husband though? I've seen enough posts on here from women with wealthy husbands who are being financially abused to wonder if that's the reason she frets about finances.

This.
I would be gently asking her about the relationship.

slightlydistrac · 31/12/2024 11:54

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Tumbler2121 · 31/12/2024 12:15

I had a 70 year old friend. Complained about the cost of things. Complained about the problems with tenants in one of her properties. I suggested sell the property and just use the money. Her answer, which has amused me ever since, was "half a million doesn't go far these days".

I'm sure she's right. She still hasn't returned the brush she borrowed from me when she was cleaning up the property herself because she wouldn't pay a company to do it!

Christmasnamechsngexx · 31/12/2024 12:15

LuckysDadsHat · 31/12/2024 11:31

I have a friend like this. Always going on holidays, theatre shows, concerts etc..... like literally 3 or 4 shows a month. Then saying how skint she is. When I say maybe cut back on the events I get told it's all about making memories and you can't take it with you..... then says we need to get out and do more stuff, well no as we are fucking skint! We can't afford to "make the memories" with spending hundreds on theatre tickets. We have to make do with the local parks etc.... and free events. That's what being fucking skint means.

Sounds like the same friend I have! Constantly going on about memories!

WhatALoadofpickledOnions · 31/12/2024 12:16

Could she have a lot of debt?

ItsCalledAConversation · 31/12/2024 12:18

Your presumption in the OP that her life is so much easier than your own is where you’re going wrong. Try not to be so judgemental!

devilspawn · 31/12/2024 12:21

She's obviously trying to tell you she doesn't have as much money as you think, even if you're determined to ignore it.

It would be in her better interests to search for a new job if she doesn't like her current one, why isn't she doing that? Advising someone to quit their job and not work at all is a strange thing to do (unless it's to do something else like look after a dependent or for health reasons).

Shinyandnew1 · 31/12/2024 12:22

snowynight · 31/12/2024 11:25

After a particularly extensive moan about her lack of pension I did point out that she is entitled to half her husband's pension, which she had to acknowledge was true, but it seems to make no difference. Most of the time though I seethe silently.

Why’s she got no pension when she works full time?

I find her constant complaints about being hard up tough to take. She seems to go out of her way to deny the difference between us, belittling my genuine difficulties, which she is well aware of.

You might get some useful advice if you for some examples of the things she says.

TaupePanda · 31/12/2024 12:34

I think she's being a bit tactless as she obviously has more than you. But, if you're good friends you should be able to talk to her about it.

Think its unreasonable to say she should be more grateful. For what? A job she doesn't like but feels she needs to keep.

babbi · 31/12/2024 12:36

As I get older , one thing that has become more and more apparent to me is that you cannot really appreciate the finances of another household /family without having the precise details .
Appearances are deceptive ( sometimes deliberately so ).

In the last 2 days alone I’ve had 2 separate visitors to my home .

The first is a dear friend with dreadful and concerning marital difficulties.
They have a large home in the most affluent area of my city and both have good jobs .
She needs to leave but is stuck as there is no equity in the house despite living there for 10 years and doesn’t have enough money for a deposits to rent .
Our friendship group of 6 will help her with the money .
You would never guess this as an outsider .
Thankfully she has a job as she’d be trapped if she didn’t work and relied on his ( very significant ) salary .

The second visitor was a family member asking for £220 to repair their car to let them go to work.
Their social media posts would suggest they are living the high life , Xmas Day alone was very expensive and magical in the photos .
Could have cried with frustration at the level of debt that they are in ( constantly, they never sort themselves out )

What I’m saying OP is that appearances are deceptive and you may not always have the full picture .
As commented by PP , it is great that your friend is providing her own pension .

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/12/2024 12:40

XH is like this, going on about how little he has to the point the kids get worried by it. His income is 3 times the average family income, I earn way less and pay 80%+ of the kids expenses, but hes hard up apparently. Complaining how skink you are when you earn a good income is a privilege, people can put whatever spin on it they want but it isn't the same as actually being broke because you have no income. There are options if you have a good income, these don't exist for those who are actually struggling to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. If people can't understand the difference then they've had the privilege of never being truly poor.

Original poster
snowynight · 31/12/2024 12:44

Thanks for all the responses - it's really useful to have some different perspectives 🙂.

To clarify a few things, I'd be very surprised if there was any financial (or any other) abuse going on. I know the family well and she shows no sign of being in any kind of controlling relationship - takes the piss out of her DH to his face etc.

Financially I'd say they're very comfortable and there is family money - parents with multiple homes etc, so I struggle to believe she has to work for financial reasons, even though there are obviously lots of other valid reasons for working.

I guess if I'm honest I do envy her life - she has a lovely husband, beautiful home etc. Also I feel none of my married friends, including her, ever acknowledged how difficult my experience of being a single parent was and how different my future looks as a single woman without much of a pension. This is partly why I find her saying she HAS to work so triggering, and her comments implying she is worse off financially than me, when she clearly isn't because she's married.

On her part I know that she's not someone who finds life easy, and whilst I wouldn't dream of telling her how lucky she is, I suspect there are plenty of people who do. Maybe she feels that her struggles aren't recognised, but if that's the case it seems very unfair to take this out on me.

Apologies for TLDR, but it's been therapeutic to get this off my chest 😊. To those suggesting I discuss it with her - I seriously can't imagine having that conversation.

OP posts: