Wealthy friend who constantly pleads poverty

[snowynight]

I have a friend who I've known for nearly 20 years. Her husband is on a 6-figure salary and she lives in a house worth £1m +. Financially she doesn't need to work, but she has a full time job she often complains about, but then says she has to earn and build her pension. I'm a single parent who brought up my ds on my own, often genuinely struggling for money and having to stay in stressful jobs that have negatively impacted my health. If I was in her situation I would give up work.

I never reproach her for her good fortune and wouldn't dream of telling her how easy her life is compared to mine, but I find her constant complaints about being hard up tough to take. She seems to go out of her way to deny the difference between us, belittling my genuine difficulties, which she is well aware of.

Otherwise she has been a good friend, and I enjoy her company, but her self pity is making it hard for me to be around her. I don't know why she can't appreciate her good fortune and be grateful for it.

Any perspectives on this very welcome - her constant complaints really get to me!

This reminds me of when some people will say I'm totally skint compared to other people's totally skint..
Some people can't afford to buy a bottle of milk however others feel they are just as skint as them coz they have had to duck into their pot on the side to pay the window cleaner but they've got thousands in the bank however they feel they are skint.

My friend is always pleading poverty and she's brassic apparently today but she has cash in hand jobs, she always goes on about pots of money round her house, she's just inherited and sold her Mums flat and her mum had a lot of stocks and shares she's also inherited , she's always bragging about money and I just think read the room! I've just been made redundant and my rent alone is more than any benefits I can receive let alone having money to live on!

I've started avoiding her coz I don't want it rubbed in my face when my skint is a different reality to her "skint"

Sometimes you just don't want to hear other people's dramas when yours a whole lot worse. It's almost like they want to feel good about themselves making you feel shit about your situation.

I can't believe how many people in this thread are defending the friend.

I was a teacher. So obviously not a high earner. But my team of TAs were all on minimum wage and struggling to get from pay day to pay day. So I never complained about my financial position, and nor did I talk about purchases that they wouldn't be able to consider.

It's really not hard to read the room and be considerate of others' situations.

In your position @snowynight , at some point I'd be blunt with her and ask her if she'd like to swap financial situations with you. And then make it clear that you find out really hard to listen to her moaning about money.

It only makes financial sense if the marriage works out and usually doesn’t consider loss of pension, loss of earnings etc and of course if that is what the woman wants to do in the first place.

Not all but the vast, vast, vast majority.

They probably have a higher cost of living so their higher wages gets absorbed.

Yes, recognising that you earn more than others of your acquaintance is basic manners. But the OP is not recognising that her friend may have a moral compass that means she feels she needs to work regardless of her husband's earnings. The OP is not reading the friend's 'room', bur expecting her to fit in with the OP's view of what is necessary to get by for her family.

I may or may not 'need' to work, but would hate to (a) b dependent on my husband, and (b) not contribute to the society that pays for the welfare state that would underpin me if he didn't continue to support me and pay for the things I couldn't be arsed to contribute towards myself.

If there was ever proof that Mumsnet is largely populated by the higher earning middle classes, this thread is it.

"But, but this person who can afford a million pound house and who has a DH earning three figures might... " (insert highly imaginative and unlikely reason why actually they might be on their uppers).

Exactly. It’s fairly obvious that OP thinks that her friend shouldn’t be working in the first place.

Is it possible she is awkward about your financial differences and is very clumsily trying to smooth over things ? I am certain a frank kind conversation next time it comes up would work

“ hey friend you do know I am looking at retiring on £xxxx and
( insert another financial fact)
it makes me feel really inferior when you complain about your financial situation because I’d give anything the be “ as badly off as you”

keep saying this in a serious tone , no tinkly laughter, serious, but kind tone and I bet you it will stop

Well, I know a woman who on the surface looked very wealthy. Until her husband committed suicide because he had gone bankrupt.

It's usually best not to make assumptions.

Following this logic, no one would be able to be friends with someone who is not financially ‘matched’ to them.
Wealthy people have money worries that are different to those who are not so wealthy; does that mean they shouldn’t be allowed to express themselves to a ‘good, longstanding’ friend?

Sounds like your problem (with each other) is communication. If you feel bitter and don’t want her to talk about money because you feel you are struggling vs her, then talk to her about it.

This would stick in my throat as well OP. I was once told to buck up when I was upset about money as I only had 30p in my account (payday was the next day) whilst they were off to a very expensive restaurant for the night. I was so upset I didn't even retaliate with I was always bucking up because I had to. This was the same ex friend who spent two massive payouts on nothing material but now still rents whilst I've got a mortgage.

People who've never been poor or had to make choices about money now (how much can I spend on groceries before it's all gone) rather than in the future (pension) and how this lack of money affects all your decisions don't get it.

I couldn't listen to it. Let her moan to someone else.

I was thinking this too. Things are not always what they might seem. Piss taking and banter are not necessarily signs of a healthy relationship but rather their public persona

But do you whine about it to your friends with no money?

Why do you seeth silently? Why do people not say what they feel. Tell her or stop moaning. I personally would have called her out ages ago. Weak people are so bluddy annoying.

Thankfully my eldest 2dd are in a much better financial situation than me being the sole wage earner on a part time zero hours contract with youngest dd still at private school. It does make me laugh when dd2 says she doesn't eat meat because it's so expensive whilst living in her £2m mortgage free house.

Totally get it. My SIL does this. DH’s brother earns 6 figures, SIL works part time and is very very well paid, BIL rents out property and she has a trust fund from her wealthy parents. She has made me pay for coffee and lunch any time we went out and had me buy baby clothes when we were out shopping, because she “simply cannot afford anything”. Attempts to tell her that it’s difficult to hear when we make (much) less than half of what they do just fell on deaf ears, so I stopped taking her out.

Before anyone says there’s something we dont know about, BIL has confirmed they are doing great financially, she spends loads on the crap that suits her. She’s just very entitled and annoying about money!

IME married mothers frequently don't like to admit that the life of a single mother is harder than theirs. I've never quite worked out why this is.

Probably because quite often it isn't. With shared care increasingly common, plus so many women appearing to have such unhelpful partners (from reading mn), single parenting can often be far easier. Half the week child free and no man to out up with? Often a much better option.
You can ask lots of single parents who agree.

I agree. I am in a low paid job, part time, my Dh is a very high earner and we live in a big house and have a lovely lifestyle. Most of my colleagues are full time and struggling financially. I am extremely careful what I say, if someone tells me they are booking a holiday I might tell them about mine but i rarely initiate any conversation about money or lifestyle because it's not fair or appropriate. It can be a bit isolating, I'm sure colleagues talk about financial stuff when I'm not there but it's better that way than me mouthing off about my life, there is no way of saying certain things without it sounding like a boast.

Don't be daft. Most couples don't have a stressless 50/50 care arrangement when they split.

And a second adult in the house is fucking priceless.

I think you might be right, but they can't admit that in a straightforward way.

Married mum, I mean.

The thing is, everyone’s problems are uniquely their own and relative to their own experiences. Which is why I’m not a fan of anyone telling anyone else that their problems are less important or not as bad.
As others have said, she might be worried about future financial security. Surely it’s sensible to worry about how you would manage independently if the marriage didn’t last? Perhaps the marriage is on a shaky peg, or he’s abusive and she’s thinking about an exit strategy. Maybe he makes all the financial decisions and controls what money she has to meet her own needs, doling out a pittance to her every week or something?
If you also feel like she she doesn’t really let you talk about your problems and doesn’t show any empathy then that’s a different issue and perhaps she isn’t that good a friend. But keep an open mind about her situation.

I could have written this post. I have a friend who lives in a similar house, always having lovely but not necessary building work done to the tune of hundreds of thousands over the years, kids in private school, 3 or 4 expensive holidays a year, kids get every opportunity and thing they want, two nice cars etc etc

Always telling me about how they struggle for money 🤔. Their current money problems could be perhaps solved by not building another extension or perhaps having one less expensive holiday (or God forbid not travel business class )

She also complains about how many hours her husband works to enable this.

I struggle as I’ve been in real poverty as a child and single parent and have many friends still in those circumstances. All my advice id usually give would be laughed at. Tempted to suggest they sell the house, downsize to a new build in a city, go to the local comp and camping in Devon for a holiday to allow him to work fewer hours 😬😂

Not when they're fucking useless.
It's both ridiculous and offensive to suggest that a single mother always has a harder life than a married mother. Just stupid. There are so many combinations.

And yes, plenty of people have shared care arrangements that work really well, And plenty of single parents are far happier and find things easier than when they were married. Obviously!