Wealthy friend who constantly pleads poverty

[snowynight]

I have a friend who I've known for nearly 20 years. Her husband is on a 6-figure salary and she lives in a house worth £1m +. Financially she doesn't need to work, but she has a full time job she often complains about, but then says she has to earn and build her pension. I'm a single parent who brought up my ds on my own, often genuinely struggling for money and having to stay in stressful jobs that have negatively impacted my health. If I was in her situation I would give up work.

I never reproach her for her good fortune and wouldn't dream of telling her how easy her life is compared to mine, but I find her constant complaints about being hard up tough to take. She seems to go out of her way to deny the difference between us, belittling my genuine difficulties, which she is well aware of.

Otherwise she has been a good friend, and I enjoy her company, but her self pity is making it hard for me to be around her. I don't know why she can't appreciate her good fortune and be grateful for it.

Any perspectives on this very welcome - her constant complaints really get to me!

I simply don’t think that when she’s moaning about something, she’s sitting there overanalyzing it, thinking, “Oh, should I say this to Barbara? She has less than me, so she won’t understand, and it wouldn’t be fair.” That’s not how people process their feelings in the moment.

What she’s probably thinking is, “I’ve been friends with her for 20 years. She’s someone I trust, and I just need to vent.” That’s what close friends do—they share without fear of judgment, regardless of who might appear to have “more” or “less.” If we start expecting people to censor their emotions or weigh their words because of a perceived difference in circumstances, that’s not friendship; that’s walking on eggshells.

She’s coming to you as someone she values and feels comfortable enough to share her struggles with, not as someone trying to boast or undermine your own challenges. And if you value her as a friend, offering her a safe space to be vulnerable should be a natural part of your relationship.

Could she be clumsily trying to make you feel better about your own circumstances? I know that if I am with a friend who I know doesn’t have much spare cash I will suggest we just meet at mine and have a drink and I’ll cook or we will just go for a walk and coffee. Part of that might be me saying something about feeling a bit broke and having a quiet one.

Maybe her DH has encouraged her to go to work as it's good for her ? Perhaps she prefers being a SAHM but doesn't actually thrive in that environment? It sounds as if she's being made to go to work for her own good by her DH, not because they need the money. That may be why she whinges about it.

Not everyone believes that because her husband earns well it means that they shouldn't make a financial contribution to society in her own right. Your friend's husband pays his own tax, not hers. He does not pay her share, as that is not possible, even if he contributes to charities and so on - that would be targeted to his beliefs and not the same as general taxation. There is also the fact that working involves contributing the fruits of our labour that our various jobs provide - be they goods or services.

The family might not 'need' her financial input, but society as a whole needs more people to work - unless you believe that we should be cutting benefits and so on to those who can't? Everyone should contribute to the common pot, regardless of how much one person in a household pays according to his (or her) own income.

She needs the money if she doesn’t want to put herself in a vulnerable position financially, for her pension etc

She’s a divorce or a death away from it. Things can change in an instant.

@snowynight

When listening to friends I tend to try and empathise with their situation, as if I were in their position. I don't transport everything they say as if they were living my life.

So "moaning" could be translated as "worrying", or simply, as others have said, an attempt to be more relatable.

I understand the common emotions connected to change, and however one's starting point, the idea of being in a worse position is never pleasant. Otherwise we would never be capable of befriending anyone outside our own small bubble.

When you say she needs it for her children there is a chance that he may not share his wealth with her. But you don’t know that level of detail.

Your friend is being financially responsible. She is thinking about her long term security with regards to a pension. She is making sure she is capable of supporting herself and her children if something were to happen to her husband or to her marriage.

She will still have day to day stress from managing her life, just like any other person. Thinking the solution to her stress is to give up her financial security and safety net is short-sighted.

I agree that it’s financially responsible, but I do believe it is also completely tone deaf to be complaining about “having to work” to someone who really does HAVE to work. Supporting the children might be paying school fees to one person, but supporting the children for someone else might be just making sure you can put food on the table.

Everyone ‘has’ to work unless they have a non-job-related passive income. Only on Mn do I see women deluded enough to view their own earning capacity as weirdly optional.

Perhaps there's far more going on eg financial abuse, marriage breaking down and a complete embarrassment about mistakes she's made financially. Working to ensure she has a full state pension is very wise, in is an essential safety net (I've got 4 more years to go then I can retire if I want knowing that at 67 (ish) I get money

You’re right, but why does society seem so intent on demonizing people who have more? Money isn’t always the solution, but for those who have never had enough, it’s easy to think that wealth solves all problems. While it can certainly make life easier, why does it seem like people are constantly offended by those who are more financially secure?

OP mentiones, “I never reproach her for her good fortune,” as though having good fortune is something akin to drawing the longest straw. But someone, somewhere, has worked hard for that fortune.

Another point “If I were in her position, I’d quit working.” Why? Why does financial security automatically translate to stepping away from work altogether?

I’d venture to say that one of the reasons their marriage seems strong is because her husband doesn’t view her as someone who simply wants to benefit from his success, but as a partner who contributes and shares in it.

“Struggles” 🙄

Not working for someone though (by choice or bad luck) might be that their husband can still support the family. Not working for another (the single parent for example) might mean homelessness.
That’s my point about having to and HAVING to. If you’re in the first camp be sensitive to the fact that you are already more privileged than the latter, so try not to complain too much around those people.
My pregnancies have been terrible. But I have a friend who has struggled with infertility for years. If I’m her friend then I wouldn’t spend my time with her complaining about how terrible being pregnant is. My pregnancy is no less terrible, but from her point of view it’s still a place of privilege and as a friend I acknowledge and respect that by being sensitive to this.

Exactly.

I will always work no matter how much my DH earns because not financially contributing myself isn’t an option to me just because I happen to be a woman.

How can you bear to be around her.
She sounds like an awful drain with zero self awareness.

I couldn't be listening to that.

Only if she divorces him. If they are together and ge doesn't give her any she isn't in the same way as if he doesn't share his salary.

She sounds like the type of friend who complains about how fat and disgusting her size 8 frame is to her size 16 friend.

I wouldn't take notice and just put her down as your delulu friend. You either distance yourself or work on being like a duck - just let her rain roll off you.

I don't think OP has really come across as envious... just fed up of hearing someone constantly complain how hard they have it when they know full well you have it worse. I am very mindful of this with my own friends.

People live within their means...the more they earn the more they spends. They may not have much disposable cash at the end of the month. Although nicer to be poorer in a big house than a small one for sure. She probably has just taken for granted what she has now and doesn't see poverty. Like most wealthy people.

Some people have a spouse who earns enough to enable them not to work and are more happy to do so.

Not people, women.

As pp said, it’s only women where working is usually seen as a choice.

The OP stated she's envious.

I'm only going by what she told us.

Not at all. 1.2% of men are SAHD - that equates to 232,000.
Obviously, more women are SAHM for biological and financial reasons, men generally being the higher earners. We got into the reasons why this is on another thread and I don't fancy repeating myself.
But it makes financial sense for the lower earner to quit work if that is what the couple decide, be that a man or woman.

I've skimmed back, you're right, I missed that part. I still feel her friend is being tone deaf either way.