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Original poster

Dad doesn't do mornings.

89 replies

AM2381 · 30/12/2024 07:43

I've a 2 year old and a 1 year old.
Dad never gets up in the mornings, he is a night owl always has been.
He stays up till 4am often which means he's in bed till 11am most days.
My 1 year old has never been a good sleeper and tbh I'm burnt out.
We argue daily over it, it's like he's stuck in a rut knows its destroying us but can't change
He has the same ritual every night which is tv then music, smoke and a drink in the garden.

When he's up he's very present and it's 50/50
He lacks motivation in all aspects of life and often self sobatages.
He has a kidney transplant and I've often excused his behaviour due to having a chronic illness.
It's gotten to the point where it's make or break with us. He shuts me out now anytime I bring up the issue.

We've tried setting days for him to get up but it's fallen to the waist side

Should I be greatful he does 50/50 when up and just accept he's a night owl and won't be up in the mornings?
So many Mams turn a blind eye to their partners downfalls to keep the peace but this issue we can't resolve has destroyed our relationship.

I've reached out to his siblings and vented to them but they don't have the relationship to speak to him or shake him.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/12/2024 07:44

LTB

Joelle84 · 30/12/2024 07:45

Hes taking the piss

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 30/12/2024 07:46

Does he do the endless evening settling and all wakes until 4am?

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motherofdragons79 · 30/12/2024 07:47

He's not your partner that's for sure. A partnership works together. What exactly does he bring to the relationship?

User37482 · 30/12/2024 07:47

Does he have a job? if he’s on a shift I could understand.

Proteinbananas · 30/12/2024 07:48

If he's a night owl and your child is up in the night then he should be dealing with that not smoking and drinking.

My husband is a night owl (although not to the same extent) and we used our different sleep schedules to our advantage when the kids were little. I'd head to bed early and he'd take the first shift of wake ups and I'd take over when he came to bed.

Your partner just sounds like a massive man child to be honest so no you shouldn't be grateful for the fact that he is present and parenting some of the time. Does he even work with that sleep schedule?

MaggieBsBoat · 30/12/2024 07:48

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 30/12/2024 07:46

Does he do the endless evening settling and all wakes until 4am?

This. It sounds like you are doing it all in which case you have three options.

  1. ask him to change
  2. tell him he has to change and accept it when he doesn’t.
  3. tel him he has to change and leave i him when he doesn’t.

You've tried the first two.
He’s a selfish arsehole. I’d go for three.

EveryDayisFriday · 30/12/2024 07:49

If your 1yo doesn't sleep and he's up, why are you getting up in the night?

IceStationZebra · 30/12/2024 07:49

Even if he did more than his fair share, mornings are different. I had a similar situation which in theory I was fine with, because we shared a lot of parenting equally, but doing EVERY MORNING for YEARS eventually broke me. I am a morning person but everyone needs a break and enough sleep.

does he work?

SuperSleepyBaby · 30/12/2024 07:50

I always do the mornings alone as i get up early and like going to bed early - but my husband who stays up later deals with bedtimes, empties the dishwasher, tidies up after the day so it works for us.

Jk987 · 30/12/2024 07:50

What time does he start work? Please tell me he works!

Bearsinmotion · 30/12/2024 07:51

Yeah, ex DP was like this. We agreed he would get up with them for an hour every Sunday to give me a break because I was on my knees. He resented this hugely and gave up after I realized he was just falling asleep on the sofa, not changing their overnight nappies or giving them breakfast. He has a mental health condition which I accepted as an excuse for far too long. One of many reasons he is an ex.

Original poster
AM2381 · 30/12/2024 08:04

User37482 · 30/12/2024 07:47

Does he have a job? if he’s on a shift I could understand.

He works till 10pm, 3 nights a week

OP posts:
Original poster
AM2381 · 30/12/2024 08:06

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 30/12/2024 07:46

Does he do the endless evening settling and all wakes until 4am?

1 year old is in our room so no unfortunately. He puts 2 year old to bed every night and I take 1 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
AM2381 · 30/12/2024 08:07

Bearsinmotion · 30/12/2024 07:51

Yeah, ex DP was like this. We agreed he would get up with them for an hour every Sunday to give me a break because I was on my knees. He resented this hugely and gave up after I realized he was just falling asleep on the sofa, not changing their overnight nappies or giving them breakfast. He has a mental health condition which I accepted as an excuse for far too long. One of many reasons he is an ex.

This is a huge concern for me as I'm going back to work and he will have to take over, I don't have much faith that he can turn it around to carry the load.

OP posts:
Original poster
AM2381 · 30/12/2024 08:08

Jk987 · 30/12/2024 07:50

What time does he start work? Please tell me he works!

Yes 30hrs a week and starts at 12pm to around 10pm.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 30/12/2024 08:08

I mean I get being a night owl but 4am seems mad to me when he's got a young child. What if you decided to do the same?? When you have a child you have to adapt and change for their needs, it's not all about what he wants anymore, he has a child that needs caring for before lunchtime so really unless he is working a night shift he needs to get his arse to bed earlier so he can rise before 11 or 12 the next day.

Original poster
AM2381 · 30/12/2024 08:10

SuperSleepyBaby · 30/12/2024 07:50

I always do the mornings alone as i get up early and like going to bed early - but my husband who stays up later deals with bedtimes, empties the dishwasher, tidies up after the day so it works for us.

He will clean kitchen and put on dishwasher but id rather he went to bed and got up before 11am. I'd happily help him clean in the evening if that was the case. Now I just leave it to him I'm not worth anything after 8pm

OP posts:
sugarplum33 · 30/12/2024 08:11

It's 50/50 whilst he's up, including all the night wakes until 4am, or it's 50/50 until he decides to check out and sit in the garden smoking and drinking whilst you sort the kids all night and all morning? The fact you're burnt out suggests the latter.

Different sleep patterns may work for some and certainly sleeping in shifts might have some benefits when dealing with very young kids with poor sleep but that would depend on you both having some uninterrupted sleep. If he's getting 4am-11am with you solo parenting then you should be getting the 9pm-4am chunk with him doing everything. I suspect however that isn't the case.

RampantIvy · 30/12/2024 08:13

Why is he up until 4 am?
Is he gaming every evening?

Was he aware of the responsibilities that came with fathering children?

BeachRide · 30/12/2024 08:14

Does the kidney donor know he smokes, drinks and stays up until stupid o'clock? What an idiot.

Original poster
AM2381 · 30/12/2024 08:14

sugarplum33 · 30/12/2024 08:11

It's 50/50 whilst he's up, including all the night wakes until 4am, or it's 50/50 until he decides to check out and sit in the garden smoking and drinking whilst you sort the kids all night and all morning? The fact you're burnt out suggests the latter.

Different sleep patterns may work for some and certainly sleeping in shifts might have some benefits when dealing with very young kids with poor sleep but that would depend on you both having some uninterrupted sleep. If he's getting 4am-11am with you solo parenting then you should be getting the 9pm-4am chunk with him doing everything. I suspect however that isn't the case.

He deals with 2 year old if she wakes which is very rare and 1 year old is in our room still so I wake to her which is numerous times a night and up at 7am for the day.
So yes you're right from 12 to 8pm he's 50/50 but nights and morning or on me

OP posts:
Sossijiz · 30/12/2024 08:15

Being a night owl isn't really an option when you have small children is it?

flutterby1 · 30/12/2024 08:15

Grim. I couldn't live with him. Better off on your own.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 30/12/2024 08:20

So on the days that he works he gets up at 11am, goes to work for midday and comes home after 10pm sometime and stays up until 4am and does absolutely none of the childcare. That's a really crap deal for you and you might as well be on your own.