Dad doesn't do mornings.

[AM2381]

I've a 2 year old and a 1 year old.
Dad never gets up in the mornings, he is a night owl always has been.
He stays up till 4am often which means he's in bed till 11am most days.
My 1 year old has never been a good sleeper and tbh I'm burnt out.
We argue daily over it, it's like he's stuck in a rut knows its destroying us but can't change
He has the same ritual every night which is tv then music, smoke and a drink in the garden.

When he's up he's very present and it's 50/50
He lacks motivation in all aspects of life and often self sobatages.
He has a kidney transplant and I've often excused his behaviour due to having a chronic illness.
It's gotten to the point where it's make or break with us. He shuts me out now anytime I bring up the issue.

We've tried setting days for him to get up but it's fallen to the waist side

Should I be greatful he does 50/50 when up and just accept he's a night owl and won't be up in the mornings?
So many Mams turn a blind eye to their partners downfalls to keep the peace but this issue we can't resolve has destroyed our relationship.

I've reached out to his siblings and vented to them but they don't have the relationship to speak to him or shake him.

Selfish twat. I'm by nature a night owl. Left to my own devices I would stay up until 1-2am and get up around 9-10am. But I have a job so those timings have only ever been possible on holidays and not at all since having a child. I'm up at 6:30am on school days to do the school run and get myself to work. It's what you have to do as a parent.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change. So your options are

1. Leave
2. Switch the kids schedule back a few hours so you get more help e.g. bed at 10pm and up at 9am. This obviously won't work when they are older but might tied you over until the little one sleeps better. Also depends on your work.
3. Keep going as you are until you have a breakdown.

My Goodness, he needs to look after his kidney. Drinking and smoking every night is very harmful. I say this as someone with one kidney.
So he doesn't work?
I'm not saying he's a bad person but he's in a bad place and living an unhealthy lifestyle.

So why not change the set up? Let the 1 year old be with the father, who is up anyway. Only then will he truly be contributing parent. This will also gauge his true intentions. The fact that he prefers to smoke and drink every night, rather than take care of his own child, is alarming.

Yes you're right. Messages here have been such an eye opener. I've been playing it down and excusing his behaviour for so long I didn't expect such a negative reaction from people.

Night owl my arse. What a selfish twat.

He will play it down and say it's only 1 drink a night and 1 smoke to wind down.... I know such a cop out!
I'll think about that and see does it help.

Exactly. Neither is choosing not to get up early.

The anger and resentment would have eaten me up by now and eroded any love I felt for him.

he shouldn’t be drinking and smoking with one lone kidney and health issues.

also is 30 hours enough? That’s not a full time job. Surely it’s 37-40 hours for a full time job

I'm on that road.. and I've made him aware of it too.

Good! Stay on that road. It leads to a nice place.

He's had a kidney transplant and he smokes and drinks every night. For me, that would be enough of a reason to leave him.

How does he sleep in a house with 2 little ones running about, and you doing house work ?

I personally would be very noisy with the housework, vac right outside the door, put music on for singing and dancing with the children just generally be a very noisy household.

i would also invest in a cot the 1yr can sleep in with him, he can lift the child and settle in bedroom when he comes to bed (and yes he does the lifting and resetting)

don’t get up with the children first thing, have morning snuggles in your bed, little one has bottle and you read to older or something, theres nothing to say that just because the 3 of you are awake you have to get up

Why on earth is he smoking and drinking when he's already had to have a kidney transplant? Someone sadly died and he received that kidney or someone donated one of their kidneys and underwent a risky operation for him.

He's basically doing fuck all. He wakes at 11, goes to work at 12, comes back at 10 pm, messes around until 4 am while you still have to be up half the night dealing with the 1 year old.
I'd insist on the 1 year old being with him during those hours and if he won't care for the child during that time he'd be out the fucking door.

Nothing worse than living with someone who is doing absolutely fuck all, you have to do everything yourself but the anger and resentment builds and builds because the other person who is supposed to support you doesn't.
If you are a single then of course it's going to be extremely hard, you're still doing everything on your own but at least the anger isn't eating away at you.

I'm a night owl by nature, but funny enough when you become a parent it's time to grow up and readjust. I honestly can't see how he's 50/50, stop kidding yourself OP and see it for what it is; he doesn't care about you, and he won't change. My ex was the same, lazy waste of space.

How can he care for the one year old if he is smoking and drinking for four hours a night? That will never work.

Then I think it's fine he stays up late... His work patterns are shifted as is his day.
If you worked until 5 you wouldn't expect to go to sleep at 6

As long as he is doing his fair share when he wakes at 11

If he’s working, that’s understandable.

He does the same on his days off. He works 3 days a week. I just expect him to be up in the mornings when he's off and helping out.

Does anyone work?

He needs to be looking after the unsettled 1 year old until 4am really. That might need a rethink of sleeping arrangements. If he can’t do that then he’s saying something terrible about your needs compared to his.

Was he on this shi

I'm on maternity leave i took a year out and returning full time
He's 3 days a week 30 to 35 hrs
He finishes at 10pm

Was he on this shift pattern before choice was made to conceive children?

OP, how do you feel about the fact he's damaging his kidney? I lost a kidney so I know quite a lot about the importance of maintaining kidney health. Smoking is incredibly damaging to kidneys and drinking should only be occasional and moderate. The health of his kidney is even more precarious given the fact he's had a transplant. I'd say this is a very serious issue that you seem to be brushing under the carpet.
By the way, I was a night owl until I had kids but obviously I had to change my routine.