Dad doesn't do mornings.

[AM2381]

I've a 2 year old and a 1 year old.
Dad never gets up in the mornings, he is a night owl always has been.
He stays up till 4am often which means he's in bed till 11am most days.
My 1 year old has never been a good sleeper and tbh I'm burnt out.
We argue daily over it, it's like he's stuck in a rut knows its destroying us but can't change
He has the same ritual every night which is tv then music, smoke and a drink in the garden.

When he's up he's very present and it's 50/50
He lacks motivation in all aspects of life and often self sobatages.
He has a kidney transplant and I've often excused his behaviour due to having a chronic illness.
It's gotten to the point where it's make or break with us. He shuts me out now anytime I bring up the issue.

We've tried setting days for him to get up but it's fallen to the waist side

Should I be greatful he does 50/50 when up and just accept he's a night owl and won't be up in the mornings?
So many Mams turn a blind eye to their partners downfalls to keep the peace but this issue we can't resolve has destroyed our relationship.

I've reached out to his siblings and vented to them but they don't have the relationship to speak to him or shake him.

He’s been given the absolute gift of a kidney transplant and is still abusing his body like this? I’m sure if the Doctors knew what sort of person he was they’d wish they hadn’t bothered.

Being a night owl is no excuse. Lots of people have to change and adapt their habits and preferences when they have children and this is no exception.

He’s being a lazy, selfish partner and father and he couldn’t care less that you’re struggling.

For 2 years I've basically begged him to change. How dare you say brushing under the carpet, you've no idea!
Use your words wisely.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I just made an assumption because the post was all about his routine and not the danger to his health.
I hope he does listen to you and change his ways.

If you’ve begged for change for two years and you still haven’t got it, you never will.

it’s time for you to make some changes for yourself instead.

It's time to stop begging and making some unambiguous statements.
"I will not live like this indefinitely. If you don't change your behaviour I am going to leave you. I am not going to keep repeating myself. It will just happen one day. If I leave you, you will have to spend a portion of each week caring for your children on your own, in your own home, that I will not live in. That way I will get a FUCKING BREAK OCCASIONALLY! Do NOT act surprised when this happens. It will be because you made it happen"

She's not brushing the damage to the kidney under the carpet. She's posting on here for advice about the most pressing issue to her at the moment which is that she is completely and utterly knackered and he is doing fuck all.

I'd like to bet she's angry about him damaging the kidney too. I was really annoyed when I read that because someone either donated that kidney in a live transplantation or someone sadly died and he received that kidney from them. Also, the kidney could have gone to the next person on the list who might have taken more care of it.
Yeah, the kidney thing pissed me off!

Oh I've said it, multiple times.
He's a good person he's just messed up, i want nothing more for him to change and it to work out.
It's scary to think this is leading to a break up
2 kids completely alone, no support network close to me, he'll be homeless.
It's just a horrible situation
The baby's adore him ..
It's in his hands now he knows the score

He wakes at 11 and goes to work at 12. How much of his fair share is he doing in that hour do you think? He does fuck all from when he comes home from work at 10pm until 4 am when he goes to bed.
It's ok if he stays up late but if he's up and awake he should be dealing with the one year old who keeps waking in the night rather than leaving it all to OP while he does nothing. OP has to get up several times a night when there's no need because he's awake anyway and then she has to do all of the morning routine herself because he's still in bed. Then he gets up and goes to work and she continues to care for the children.
When does she get her hours of sitting around doing nothing?

So you've given the ultimatum multiple times but not acted on it? He probably thinks it's an empty threat and he can carry on as he is.
I'm sorry, OP, it sounds very tough indeed. I was in a similar situation in my 20s (no kids) and it was awful. We did eventually split up but it was traumatic. Definitely for the best though.

Clearly your current set up is not sustainable even now - let alone when you are returning to work soon.

Your return to work can be a opportunity to really address this issue as you will have to divide your parenting responsibilities more evenly between you. You will absolutely burn out and you will build up such resentment toward him if you dont.

Like others have suggested above i think it's time to give him an ultimatum - and mean it.

If its difficult for you to confront him yourself consider booking a counselling session.

However - you've stated you've tried speaking to him about this before. Only you know how seriously that was - did he take anything onboard from your previous attempts to resolve?

As he works until 10 3 days a week - I can understand his sleep routine will not line up with yours - tat makes sense - but that doesn't mean he can't take on more responsibility for parenting. Before you go back to work you need to set up new routines - including perhaps moving the 1 year old to their own room so that he also deals with any wake-ups before his comes to bed.
There are tonnes of jobs he can be doing in the small hours that will help lighten the load for you - he is just choosing not to do them.

She said he does do the night waking and he only works 3 days and is a hands on dad then

Given GDPR that’s extremely unlikely. Presuming the donor is still living, if they did somehow find out that he smokes and drinks what exactly would they be able to do about it?

Why on earth is he smoking and drinking when he's already had to have a kidney transplant? Someone sadly died and he received that kidney or someone donated one of their kidneys and underwent a risky operation for him.

don't excuse his illness. He is doing nothing to help himself. He is lazy and a deadbeat.

His donated kidney is such a gift and he is abusing it by smoking and drinking every night. Seems emblematic of his general thoughtlessness and sense of entitlement.

Could a be a living donor who is known to him e.g. family member.

Only for their older child who doesn't tend to wake up in the night. He basically empties the dishwasher and smokes and drinks at night. 4 days of the week he helps to look after his kids for about 8 hours a day when he's awake.

He’s just a helpless, avoidant, addict who will degrade his body and ignore his children until he dies and thus deprives his children of the father they have been taught to love so much.

I was a night owl as a way of avoiding life. Then I had children and had to (wo)man up. He's avoiding family life, OP. Think what that says about his character.

(Team solo kidney here, too)

Throw away his cigarettes and alcohol and see what matters more to him: his addiction or his children.

He would not be sleeping til 11 in this house.

He's not a good person. He's not doing his share of the work and is destroying his one good kidney when there are children to raise. I haven't seen anything in your posts that would make me think he's a good person at all. He's self-centered and unwilling to make any changes to make your life or the lives of his children better. And mental health or lack thereof is no excuse. I've dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life and still managed to work, raise my children and be a good, loving wife. He has responsibilities and he's not living up to them. He's not even trying.

Some people are more night owls or early birds. DH and I are better at opposite ends of the day (not quite to the same extreme, but a significant skew). So we did stuff at opposite ends of the day. I got up early pretty much all the time, but he did night waking until 2ish. It worked for us (to the extent dealing with sleepless kids ever really “works” for any couple!).

I can sort of see why working until 10 pm might make you want to stay up later so you can wind down (though 4 am is extreme). But he also needs to adapt to the family he has. Can you adjust where DD sleeps in order to allow him to deal with night wakings until he heads to bed? Would he actually do it? Or could he do 90&% of the childcare when you’re both up and around to make up for the 0% he does between 11 pm and 11 am? Would that work for you, or does it just leave you doing the bits of parenting you don’t like and failing to get the bits you do like?

I think the drinking and smoking (is it tobacco or dope?) every evening, is a big part of this. That would be a red flag for me even without the DC in the mix and is probably strongly related to the lack of motivation. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple do well when the guy prioritizes so much alone time with drugs - even when they’re legal ones - or gaming.

Wondering the same!

So YANBU at all. He basically parents when it suits him. Having children is a 24/7 job but only you seem to be doing that. I was grateful for a couplenof hours here and there he he has every night to himself from when kids are asleep til 4am then until HE decides to get up and help you. I had 2 under 2 and although now divorced to be fair my ex and I fairly split the night shifts and 6 am starts
He is selfish

it sounds awful and stressful for you - I absolutely could not live with someone like this. Also consider what lifestyle your children are witnessing as they get older…
As scary and tough as it would be to leave him, I genuinely think your life will be less stressful to be on your own xx