Dad doesn't do mornings.

[AM2381]

I've a 2 year old and a 1 year old.
Dad never gets up in the mornings, he is a night owl always has been.
He stays up till 4am often which means he's in bed till 11am most days.
My 1 year old has never been a good sleeper and tbh I'm burnt out.
We argue daily over it, it's like he's stuck in a rut knows its destroying us but can't change
He has the same ritual every night which is tv then music, smoke and a drink in the garden.

When he's up he's very present and it's 50/50
He lacks motivation in all aspects of life and often self sobatages.
He has a kidney transplant and I've often excused his behaviour due to having a chronic illness.
It's gotten to the point where it's make or break with us. He shuts me out now anytime I bring up the issue.

We've tried setting days for him to get up but it's fallen to the waist side

Should I be greatful he does 50/50 when up and just accept he's a night owl and won't be up in the mornings?
So many Mams turn a blind eye to their partners downfalls to keep the peace but this issue we can't resolve has destroyed our relationship.

I've reached out to his siblings and vented to them but they don't have the relationship to speak to him or shake him.

He’s had a kidney transplant but drinks and smokes every night 🤔🤔

Sadly my dh needs to be told/reminded that I am not getting up every morning with the kids. I tell him that I am obviously the default parent and it’s me who does most mornings while he lies there in his grumpy state. He would do it every morning if I didn’t give him the pre warning.
he would totally take the biscuit if I didn’t put my foot down. The alternative was to keep going and further fuel resentment and that’s no good for anyone

I'm not great at Maths but that doesn't equal 50/50 to me.
30 hours work is part time too, if he works part time why can't he help you more?

Also, smoking and drinking after being lucky enough to receive a kidney transplant and have a second chance at life? Ew 🤢

This ^^

My partner is a night owl but as he works 9-5 its more like 2am. He does bedtime and deals with wake ups before 2am. I do mornings and he sleeps till 8:55.

Evenings 6pm onwards are compleatly my own, he doesn't bother me as its my time off.

Your 1yr old isn't a great sleeper and you're burnt out, why?? If he does 50/50 while awake surely you go to bed at a reasonable time and then since he is awake he sees to the 1yr old while you're sleeping. You do the time alone while he's sleeping. You shouldn't be burnt out then. When my husband is awake late at night then he's on kid duty. If I'm awake late at night then I am. He doesn't wake up to them lol so if he's sleeping then I do the lions share but if he's awake then he does do it. Get him to do the night shift with the kids and claim your sleep back. Some people are natural night owls and some natural morning people. I'm sure you can work a schedule like that eg you go to bed at 10-11pm and he goes early morning. Child is yours say 4am-11am. Child is both from 11am-10pm. Child is hubby's 11pm -4am.

I don’t think OP hubby is doing any overnight help with the children as he’s busy drinking and smoking and unlikely to be in a good state to be in charge of small children

My DH was like this. Because he worked until 4 in the morning, not because he was having a smoke. He needs a kick up the butt.

When you say smoking, I hope you mean cigarettes and not weed..

Because if it's the latter, no way should you be allowing someone who is complicit in the county lines, child abuse, modern day slavery and organised crime groups near any child.......ever!!

That is worse than staying up till 4am, as it demonstrates that he is not a nice person, has zero morality and prefers to prop up crime than help his own family.

Not to mention, the minimal pay he gets for 30 hours a week work would be going to these organised crime gangs rather than to his own children's needs.

If it's just tobacco, he needs to grow the fuck up (he needs to do that anyway).

Surely, if he's staying up until 4am, then he should deal with the baby waking during the night as he's already awake??

But drinking alcohol???

I missed that bit, but OP says he only has one drink, so it's not like he's black out drunk and is capable of dealing with the baby during the night if up anyway.

Would he agree to a job change, something with more standard hours.

I married a lazy arsed bastard like this. Twins were born when older sibling was 18 months.
No mornings, no nights, no cooking, no laundry, fuck all in fact.
Imagine how much more difficult this will be if you have another, then gather your stuff and your child and run!

Is there room in your 2 year old's room for an adult bed? If so I would get a baby monitor for your one year old then go to bed in the two year old's room. Tell your husband that he is responsible for settling the one year old until he goes to bed and give him the baby alarm. When he comes to bed he can drop the alarm off with you and you will do the settling from then on.
Tell your husband that something has to change and as he can't get up early you have to try this.

My guess would be he will suddenly start to go to bed much earlier!