Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do some parents secretly desire their children not to move away to preserve family bonds especially in old age?

108 replies

mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:02

I have had a conversation with someone recently and was surprised that they held some reluctance to their child moving to London for university as they foresaw that the child may get a job in the capital and in future they would be living in locations 200 miles apart.

I think the parent was taken between looking to stifling their child's future but having a genuine concern that as they aged and their children started a family etc. There was a real prospect of loneliness or logistic challenges to maintain family bonds e.g. provide child care.

Now having seen this view I see it within my extended family with children going to local universities and looking to live in the same area and I think secretly this does gives parents some satisfaction.

How many parents do harbour that desire that their children remain local so that they can see grand children and possibly have a support source when aging? How important are these bonds and are they worth sacrificing career opportunities for?

OP posts:
Needanewname42 · 29/12/2024 08:17

I don't think it's worth sacrificing career opportunities for i think young people need to do what's right for them.

And most parents would want their kids to spread their wings and fly.

However that doesn't mean they won't miss their kids and miss their DGC should they have any.

But moving getting on the career ladder doesn't have to be a permanent move. Plenty people move to London or other big cities for a few years then later decide to escape the rat run and look for opportunities nearer their family with a wealth of experience behind them.

Things also work the other way with parents deciding actually id rather move to be nearer the DC and DGC.

W0tnow · 29/12/2024 08:18

I’d love my children to stay close. But, I’ve said this on here before, what is the point of raising your children with the attitude that the world is their oyster, in the hope that they won’t explore it? One of mine is planning on studying on the other side of the world. I’m going to miss her desperately. But it’s her life 🤷‍♀️ I just want her to be happy.

DarkAndTwisties · 29/12/2024 08:19

I'd imagine a lot of parents would ideally like to live near their child, and potential grandchildren.

Not my parents because they've just moved 5 hours away from us. But I know my in-laws wouldn't move away, and would be sad if we did (but wouldn't try to stop us or anything like that).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/12/2024 08:21

Not me. Much as I love my children (16 and 19), enjoy spending time with them and hope they stay in regular contact with us and each other once they've left home, I know that the area where we live (rural NW England) is very unlikely to be the place they'd find good jobs, and I want them to spread their wings!

TickingAlongNicely · 29/12/2024 08:22

Living 200 miles away from one of parents is one of the crimes im regularly reminded of.
The irony is my mother lived 50p miles from her own parents. (My parents moved to London from the Midlands and Scotland... I've lived all over Europe before settling in Yorkshire)

Original poster
mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:23

I originally thought most parent would want their children to spread their wings but now as a parent to teenagers and knowing similar parents I can see this is not always the case. I was at a family gathering over Christmas and there was an elderly relative who was widowed saying she was really grateful that she has family in the locality. I don't know their family dynamics intimately but none of the family have moved from the areas in 2 or 3 generations but the area is a wealthy suburb and you argue why would you want to move?

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 29/12/2024 08:24

It’s probably a normal knee jerk reaction at that age. I think my mum felt the same, more surprise at me looking at universities so far (we were close to London so wasn’t that exactly). It’s their first time away. But deep down you know they need to explore the world and they often come back anyway. Lots of Londoners move back later.

madamtav · 29/12/2024 08:24

I don't think it's a covert sneaking satisfaction, clearly there are advantages to living close to your child as you love them and will likely get to see them more. It's not just about care in old age.

I also think there are advantages that get overlooked to the child of staying close to their parents. I am one of three siblings and the only one who has stayed geographically close to our parents. As a result, my dc have a much closer relationship with their grandparents than my nieces and nephews. My parents go out of their way to see their other grandchildren but seeing them involves a lengthy drive and as they are getting older it is becoming harder for them. Also my siblings will ask my parents to have their dc for a full week to cover a half term holiday for example, and my parents who are in their 70s love doing tbh is bit are absolutely exhausted by the end of it. They haven't ever done this for my dc, and instead see them little and often but don't have to do the donkey work of feeding them/bed time/ disciplining them, as dh and I are generally around. I also benefitted hugely from having the moral
Support of my mum around when I first became a parent, something my sister didn't have to the same extent.

So I don't think it's selfish of the parents to want the children to stay close, I think it has mutual advantages.

The atomisation of society has been driven in part by the breakdown of close communities which has been caused by increased social and geographical mobility and we tend not to focus on the disadvantages of this process.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/12/2024 08:25

I think if you've always been a family that lives near each other then it must seem a more daunting prospect. I'm sure my own grandparents would have felt like this. There are pros and cons and I don't think it's wrong to have a preference as long as you don't pressure your children or make them feel guilty for their choices.

Dilbertian · 29/12/2024 08:26

Of course I would love my dc to live near me, and of course I would not expect them to sacrifice their lives to do so.

My elderly parents are immigrants and their children have dispersed across the UK. It was and is hard.

crumblingschools · 29/12/2024 08:26

Part of me would think I have failed as a parent if DC doesn’t at least for some part of their life live away from their home town. Yes I would miss them dreadfully (and secretly hope it wouldn’t be too far away) but I do find it odd when you read on here about families who have never lived anywhere else and all live a few doors away from each other.

OneAmberFinch · 29/12/2024 08:28

I'd be surprised if there were parents who didn't!

The problem with your kid moving from Devon to London isn't that they spend a few years in London, it's that they meet someone from Yorkshire to start a family with. My parents live overseas and the older I get the more I miss them. Especially now that I have a child I feel sad that they won't get to have a close relationship, the way they do with my sibling's family. The career opportunities for me were substantial but it's still very difficult!

Original poster
mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:28

It's interesting because I do feel it feeds into the university debate. A lot of my peers really are happy there is a local university (not high profile) where they feel their children can go, get a degree and stay in the neighbourhood with a higher likelihood. One parent I know was not exactly happy when a school suggested their child apply to Cambridge as it was some distance away and they know once at Cmabridge it was unlikely they would get work in their small provincial town.

I wonder actually if the middle classes are happier with their children flying the nest geographically than working class?

OP posts:
Thewrongdoor · 29/12/2024 08:30

My DC have sometimes lived in far-flung countries. We were glad they were living their dream.

Odinsgoodeye · 29/12/2024 08:30

mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:02

I have had a conversation with someone recently and was surprised that they held some reluctance to their child moving to London for university as they foresaw that the child may get a job in the capital and in future they would be living in locations 200 miles apart.

I think the parent was taken between looking to stifling their child's future but having a genuine concern that as they aged and their children started a family etc. There was a real prospect of loneliness or logistic challenges to maintain family bonds e.g. provide child care.

Now having seen this view I see it within my extended family with children going to local universities and looking to live in the same area and I think secretly this does gives parents some satisfaction.

How many parents do harbour that desire that their children remain local so that they can see grand children and possibly have a support source when aging? How important are these bonds and are they worth sacrificing career opportunities for?

How do you know this is actually how they feel? Did they tell you? Did they actually say ‘I don’t want them to go as I will need looking after’?

or did they say they wasn’t keen as they would be far away?

My eldest lives in Dubai - she’s settled down with some one and I think babies will appear soon - and the thought of that brings me happiness but also sadness that I won’t be able to see them grow up properly. Nothing to do with with needing help in old age

Beezknees · 29/12/2024 08:31

My mum never wanted me to move away.

I genuinely won't mind if my DS does. I hope he can get out of where we live now at least as it's not very nice. I'm stuck here, I was a teenage parent and can't afford to leave. I would like more for DS. He is doing A levels at the moment and will be the first person to go to university in my direct family.

GettingFestiveNow · 29/12/2024 08:32

My family have all moved away - usually to different continents - for several generations now.

I had/have practically zero relationship with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, simply because I hardly ever saw/see them.

My siblings both moved away - one to the other end of the UK, one to a different continent. I get to see the UK one a couple of times a year. The other one - who knows? Intercontinental travel is expensive. They didn't meet my child until dc was 3 years old. They've had some difficult things in their life and being so far away and unable to help is horrible. I don't really get to see my nieces/nephews either.

I will tell my dc to travel and see the world and make the most of every opportunity, but honestly if they move properly away I will be heartbroken.

Longma · 29/12/2024 08:32

It's tricky as a a parent sometimes. You raise your children to be independent confident young people and then have to stand by and watch them fly the nest.

Of course you want your children fairly nearby, want to be able to see them regularly, be a part of their lives and - if they go in to have children - be close to your grandchildren.

However, you've brought them up to be happy, confident and independent. This means that they we'll want to explore the world, travel further, take on adventures and opportunities across the country or world, etc. This all increases the likelihood of them settling further away.

Our dd is 22y and currently working abroad. We feel fortunate that the country is only a 1/5-2 hour flight away and we have the finances to visit her when we want - and more importantly, if she needed us.

Original poster
mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:32

I was born in a working class community where families literally lived doors from each other. I think there is a class element possibly here and we do see our man is soaps Eastenders and Cornation Street thriving on close family links in a small area. I think also with some from ethnic minorities I know there is a mush greater expectation children do love in close proximity to their parents.

OP posts:
Odinsgoodeye · 29/12/2024 08:32

mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:28

It's interesting because I do feel it feeds into the university debate. A lot of my peers really are happy there is a local university (not high profile) where they feel their children can go, get a degree and stay in the neighbourhood with a higher likelihood. One parent I know was not exactly happy when a school suggested their child apply to Cambridge as it was some distance away and they know once at Cmabridge it was unlikely they would get work in their small provincial town.

I wonder actually if the middle classes are happier with their children flying the nest geographically than working class?

Well…. this is not obviously down to middle class people not loving their kids the way us working class do 😉😂

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/12/2024 08:33

mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:28

It's interesting because I do feel it feeds into the university debate. A lot of my peers really are happy there is a local university (not high profile) where they feel their children can go, get a degree and stay in the neighbourhood with a higher likelihood. One parent I know was not exactly happy when a school suggested their child apply to Cambridge as it was some distance away and they know once at Cmabridge it was unlikely they would get work in their small provincial town.

I wonder actually if the middle classes are happier with their children flying the nest geographically than working class?

I have actively encouraged my dc not to go to university too near home, as I think their university years are a really important step towards a fully independent adult life. Dd is at uni a couple of hours away (and will spend her 3rd year abroad next year). Ds won't choose the local uni either, I'm sure.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/12/2024 08:33

I think with the class thing it's much more normal for some groups of people. I don't like admitting this but growing up I think I internalised the idea that it's more aspirational to move and set up a life in another area and to stay living near parents meant a much more limited life.

Going to university in a different part of the country genuinely did seem like a real horizon broadening opportunity for many of us. I think it would be a real shame if more people stuck with their local unis although I get that higher education is a complicated issue.

madamtav · 29/12/2024 08:34

I wonder actually if the middle classes are happier with their children flying the nest geographically than working class?

Well Probably but also there is a North South dimension that is overlooked. It has always rankled that to me moving to London has been considered a sign of success or necessary to succeed in this country, resulting in a loss of talent from the north.

There are big advantages to belonging to a close knit working class Community who live within the same streets but already you can see sneering towards people who live like this on this very thread. How often do we decry the loss of a sense of community and yet when we see places where it still Exists we look down on it.

TickingAlongNicely · 29/12/2024 08:35

I think the university debate is complicated by the rising cost issue... I'm happy there is a couple of universities in commuting distance just in case.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/12/2024 08:37

mids2019 · 29/12/2024 08:32

I was born in a working class community where families literally lived doors from each other. I think there is a class element possibly here and we do see our man is soaps Eastenders and Cornation Street thriving on close family links in a small area. I think also with some from ethnic minorities I know there is a mush greater expectation children do love in close proximity to their parents.

I grew up in a very wealthy mc London commuter belt area. Virtually none of my peers stayed in the area (or moved back there later, I don't think). The house prices are astronomical, apart from anything else, to the point you might as well live in London. Quite a few of my parents' friends' kids moved abroad.