Do some parents secretly desire their children not to move away to preserve family bonds especially in old age?

[mids2019]

I have had a conversation with someone recently and was surprised that they held some reluctance to their child moving to London for university as they foresaw that the child may get a job in the capital and in future they would be living in locations 200 miles apart.

I think the parent was taken between looking to stifling their child's future but having a genuine concern that as they aged and their children started a family etc. There was a real prospect of loneliness or logistic challenges to maintain family bonds e.g. provide child care.

Now having seen this view I see it within my extended family with children going to local universities and looking to live in the same area and I think secretly this does gives parents some satisfaction.

How many parents do harbour that desire that their children remain local so that they can see grand children and possibly have a support source when aging? How important are these bonds and are they worth sacrificing career opportunities for?

My DCs have said they plan to move back to the North West in the future - particularly if they plan to have children. They won’t necessarily move to where I am, but hopefully within an hour of me depending on jobs. Houses are obviously more affordable too compared to London.

My parents are dead, but my in-laws have always been against DH travelling. His mum takes any absence very personally. We had the chance to move to Europe for work and she cried loads and begged him not to go… we live 45 minutes away now and they have seen him twice in two years and haven’t their grandson since he was 10 months old. He’s now three.

That said, they did recently text to say they’ll need to see him more soon as they’ll need more support… he has ignored it. I’m not sure for her whether it’s a need to have him close so she doesn’t feel abandoned or if it’s regret that she came home to be closer to her own mum after emigrating to Australia and seems to have regretted it ever since, but it’s definitely limited what we’ve done, as DH had a lot of guilt over making her so upset.

Both my brother and I moved away from home. I came from Newcastle and am now in Edinburgh and my brother is just outside London. It was fine until 2022 when my mum took unwell and died over a few months. I struggled to get there and was still working so it was difficult. Now my dad is getting frailer and has been in hospital since Christmas eve. My brother is there just now but I need to go down when he comes out to see how he manages as I'm now retired and my brother has to get back to work. I wish he was close by so I could pop in regularly. My FIL is 97 and fully independent but needs a little help. He is an hour's drive away so not as bad but Edinburgh to Newcastle is 2.5 hours on windy roads.
But I would never stop my children moving away or make them feel guilty for doing so. I see some families that are so intertwined that it becomes unhealthy.

My daughter was in London for 10 years and is now 20 minutes away so I can merrily cat sit. My son was in Edinburgh and has moved to London and will move again no doubt in a couple of years.

I want my young adult kids to spread their wings but always fly back to us .... I like to think they want us to be an active part of their lives . My DH and i plan to retire near the kids so that we can help out with their kids erc. We have enough savings so won't need them to look after us

I want my DC to live where they want, and do what they want.

Of course I would prefer them to be close to me, but it's not my choice

It really depends where your family was raised. If it's an area with prospects and connections then I would be over the moon if my child stuck around not too far away.
My family live in the same town, we've been away and come back. I have plenty of friends here too, we all went to uni then drifted back over the next 15 years.
It's amazing to have so many friends and family within walking distance.

Moving far away for work can leave children isolated in later life and I think it's overrated compared to the community support you get from living near family and friends.

I also have half my family at the other end of the country and they all stayed in their home towns too - it's great visiting and they love visiting us.

We aren't flung far and wide - that would make it much more tricky.

I'm disabled, no one wants to employ me thanks to this, my children are "my life" right now and have been for years. I'm also single and have no other family.

Despite all this, my kids will hopefully choose to go to uni (one is in the process) or do something else exciting and hopefully rewarding in the long run, and that particular child's choices involve living abroad for a year. And I couldn't be happier for them! I would never ever stifle their opportunities for selfish reasons.

Of course I'm terrified of my future. But that's just it- it's MY future, not theirs, and I want them to experience life. Their own lives. Mine is limited, and it kills me that it could limit them.

I have been deeply upset by friends thinking they are reassuring me by saying "well, the kids will always be able to look after you if you need it later in life".. . But they personally wouldn't accept turning their own precious children into carers instead of spreading their wings, so why the fuck should mine settle for doing that? I'm sure the kids would help where they could because we love each other, but I refuse to hang a definitive obligation round their necks. What a naive and privileged stance to take, that they'll just automatically be expected to "be there". Life doesn't work like that.

Any parent who clips their child's wings because they are scared of the world or unable to cope without being the centre of their child's world, is in my view, a bad parent! And believe me you can see which parents are likely to do this from the second their golden children are born. Ive seen it, they take it very very badly when their kids branch out away from precious mummy and daddy. Who exactly is it benefiting?! Or even worse, the kids slip their collars and then go out of control revelling in their newfound freedom.

My eldest wants to live in Japan I'm just incredibly excited for him.

I want my children to explore and have adventures. Life's changes. I don't expect any care from them either as I age.

My DD moved 200 miles away to go to uni and loves it there so is looking to stay after she graduates. I am really happy for her as she has a good group of friends who are either from the area or looking to stay on and do their masters. She was a bit worried when she was looking at unis that she wanted to stay close but I encouraged her to base her decision on the course and feel of the area and I'm glad she did. My friend encouraged her DD to go to a closer uni and commute and they found her experience was poorer for it (obviously that isn't always the case). Other friends kids have been too anxious to move away so didn't go to uni at all - not that uni is the be all and end all (my DS is doing an apprenticeship instead) but being held back through fear is sad.

I hope my kids experience life to it's fullest and don't base their decisions on me!

I am heartened that we now to say to daughter's that you move out of home for employment not marriage. Even now we have had elderly relatives hunt that the moving out of the home should be done when you married and this attitude definitely existed in my home community.

I want my children to move towns at least simply because they already know that the town offers little prospects work wise. I think our attitude as parents has been shaped by us both being graduates willing to move for work and maybe that is something we do pass on.

Having made friends in the area I do see the desire from parents to stay in their home town more acutely with a sense of town/region identity being more evident. My children I feel don't have any sense of regional identity and think of themselves as simply English (not brummy, mancunian, Geordie etc.)which is interesting.

I moved from North to Midlands and I've been here many years. I still see myself as Northern, but I don't feel like I'm tied to the North or the Midlands because of where I grew up or where I had my DD etc.

My friends are also spread all over the country, because we move to where gives us as a family unit the best life / the lifestyle we want.

Ipsy

That's really interesting.

I am for the North but having lived in the Midlands for some time I wonder how what northern means in some respect? The city I come from is like any other city having areas of social disadvantage and wealth with similar job opportunities as other major cities. I have an accent as a legacy of upbringing but it is something I think of quite naturally and I get a little perplexed how to reply to people when they automatically assume I love in a certain city simply because of the accent.

My children really do not identify with town, county or even region in terms of heritage. They are part of I think a growing number of people who identify as Englsih and perhaps define themselves more with poo culture and friends than any geographical grounding.

Most parents would prefer their children living close by. But of course they need to live their own lives, lots of people end up choosing to live where they go to Uni, they need to live where they have good opportunities. This is what I want for my DS’.

Not wanting your kids to go to a London university can be for very good reasons! Nothing wrong with preferring them to stay closer as long as they ultimately get to choose

By the way, mine live nowhere near me but dd2 is considering basing herself here once she has kids (military)

What's poo culture??

@SallyWD I think it's a typo, and it should say "pop culture" (popular)

I think it’s quite a natural desire tbh (obviously depending on relationships). Lots of my neighbours/school mum friends left after dc to move closer to family whereas most of my actual school friends are still fairly close by. We toyed with leaving London but as our parents are now older it didn’t seem to makes sense & we don’t have any family anywhere else. I found it invaluable having gps help when the dc were younger & helping parents out when they are old is very difficult if there is a big distance between you.

I am from a family where we all live in the same town, I met my husband as teenagers and his whole family also live here too. We are never more than 1 mile away from a relative in our town. For me it makes me feel safe and secure and I have never felt the desire to move away to somewhere i don't know anyone. All of my friends are here too.
My sister moved away to university and never came back. She's in her 50s now and we have barely seen her since she was 18. She is the only one who has ever done this. She has almost no relationship with my parents whereas I see them multiple times a week. She is not married and doesn't have children and I often wonder why she chose to leave us all?

Christ no. I encouraged my children to move abroad

The only thing I think is odd is that you think this is a secret. Of course most people would prefer their kids to live near by. They love them.

Interesting, the mindset/location and placing ourselves. Ie. We moved away from our country of birth and would consider ourselves "British" not English or Scottish for example.

I think living close to family is massively underrated.

I live very close to my sister...she's my only nearby relative. What I love about it is we can spend short amounts of time together but regularly....so we may pop in for a coffee on our way shopping. Or pop to the park with our kids. Or if either of us needs a favour, it's so much easier, can you sit with the kids for half an hour? No probs.

I have relatives further away as does DH. What is difficult imo is you go for ages without seeing each other but then when you do, you have to dedicate an entire day or weekend to visiting.

Family close by creates a sense of security and stability.

Certainly some parents do.

My F suggested building a house in the garden of our family home so one of us could 'stay around'. ie skivvy for him when our mum got old. He was not a nice person, me & sisters couldn't leave home fast enough. He was annoyed that each of us chose a career, it was all about loss of control.

I will encourage my ds to choose his university on the basis of quality of tuition and quality of life - his life.

I think it's natural to want your children to have a future in which they're close enough to enjoy a family unit - regular time with them, casual time with them, helping each other out. After all, those are the wonderful things about family and many people have the fantasy of being physically & emotionally close throughout their lives.

Nor do I think its wrong to worry about being lonely or unsupported in old age, but most parents (or at least those with healthy parent/child relationships) want their children to do what's right for themselves and few want to be a burden in old age. I suspect where parents do hope their children will care for them in old age its down to fear of the alternative and lack of understanding about the reality of being a carer.