Do some parents secretly desire their children not to move away to preserve family bonds especially in old age?

[mids2019]

I have had a conversation with someone recently and was surprised that they held some reluctance to their child moving to London for university as they foresaw that the child may get a job in the capital and in future they would be living in locations 200 miles apart.

I think the parent was taken between looking to stifling their child's future but having a genuine concern that as they aged and their children started a family etc. There was a real prospect of loneliness or logistic challenges to maintain family bonds e.g. provide child care.

Now having seen this view I see it within my extended family with children going to local universities and looking to live in the same area and I think secretly this does gives parents some satisfaction.

How many parents do harbour that desire that their children remain local so that they can see grand children and possibly have a support source when aging? How important are these bonds and are they worth sacrificing career opportunities for?

I can understand if you wanted to question what other people do as a comparator for your own small sample group (and soaps?)

I’m curious as to why you are asking how strong bonds are if you have teenagers yourself?

What were your own feelings as a teenager? What are your feelings now with having teenagers and continuing to age?

Are you looking for data points to inform how you are going to behave?

Do you feel scared? And if you don’t then why would you be worrying?

Or do you think you might feel like how you imagine these other ageing parents feel, one day, and are wondering if you will regret decisions or outlook you have now?

I think there is a lot of hidden sadness in this thread as parents obviously wish the best expansive lives for their children but in their heart of hearts they do desire their children to remain close; probably was ever thus.

I brought class into it not to insult but in recognition of working class communities often having families living close by (at least traditionally); it was just an observation. I think maybe the middle classes , possibly having degrees themselves , do have perhaps a wider vision and do see the opportunities travel/education offers. I don't want to over generalise though because I do think times do change.

I never wanted to move away. Love where I'm from, good bond with my family, wanted to be close. Stayed home for uni because the course I wanted, the local uni was actually one of the best. So when combined with being able to live at home, it was a no brainer.

However. I then met my now DH who is from where I now live, which is 200 miles from my family. We knew we wanted to make it work and we knew that meant one of us had to move. When we weighed up all the options for jobs, housing, schools for kids, the ages/health of our families etc, we wound up with me moving. My parents miss us, and would like us closer for a lot of reasons, but understand the decision. They travel to see us a lot since DD came along. I used to travel back a lot more pre DD.

DHs parents are different. When we were looking to buy, MIL I formed us we were not allowed to be more than one bus ride away (we disregarded this because she doesn't visit even if we're in walking distance, we have to go to her). But when we were deciding on my area or his, she told me "he'll never move, he needs to be near his family". He'll move when it's time, I know that. But for now, we live where the work is, and that's not my area.

I'mi wonder how many parents openly say they would be disappointed if the children did emigrate or move some distance in the UK? Do some parents maybe drop hints or try and get their children to think about such things as child care and how family bonds are of significant human importance?

Long way off for me but I think my preference would be for DS to do what I did...something inbetween...i.e. go away to experience University but come back afterwards and stay local in the longer term. Or maybe spend a short time travelling if he doesn't go to University.

I get that life is more complex than this (depends on job opportunities and meeting partners etc). But there are so many people on here who moan that they have no local help with family for childcare but it was their choice to move away. And people who are surprised that they can't save a house deposit when they chose to move away and rent. Everyone has a right to make their own choices but I'd be annoyed if someone judged me because I've done the opposite (there is a lot of negativity on here about people living too long at home and not being independent, but financially I'd be a lot worse off now if I hadn't done this). And I think you can be local without living in each other's pockets. I don't feel the need to see my family more than weekly at most, but equally couldn't live more than 2 hours away. Will probably feel same about DS.

It also makes Christmas easier! Waking up and going to bed in your own home. But with dinner with family in the middle.

My mum was really vocal about me staying close by and was devastated (and didn’t hide it) when I met my husband and moved to NZ with him.

We ended up back in the UK and back in the city I grew up in, to her delight. Now I keep hearing I don’t mind what you do when I am dead, so if you want to move away then….

Firstly she is in fine fettle and I fully expect her to live forever, secondly, once my lovely girls are through secondary school and making their choices about where and how they want to live their life, I am out of here! I want to work abroad and travel.

I have been very careful to let DDs know that we are happy and supportive of them studying or living wherever they choose and they are lucky to have access to a number of countries to make those choices.
I don’t know if it is working class thing or a lack of experience of life or travel. I think it’s one thing to secretly hope that your children stay close, but another thing to tell them (a lot!) that you hope they will stay close by

I literally flip flop on this.

On the one hand I completely agree that the idea that as a society we should spend large amounts of money or encourage young people to take on large debts just to have a richer social life for 3 years is ridiculous.

On the other hand when I was living and working in my home town after university I was so grateful to have had this opportunity. At least for me my hometown didn't really have anything where I could meet different people or broaden my horizons and I'd have been a totally different person without that.

Still haven't come to any conclusions about how I feel about the financial or social sides to university.

Whilst we’re all in England, DH and I live nowhere near his parents and an hour from mine (but the last time I lived with my parents it was 200 miles away, my parents moved for work that brought them incidentally closer to me). Neither sets of our parents lived anywhere near their parents. Our siblings are 150 and 1000 miles away from parents. I would be disappointed if my children fulfilled their current wishes to live in the next door street to me. Then I realise who I’m saying that to - and realise the look of horror on the faces of people who live in the same town and go to the same school as their parents and grandparents did.

Also “moving away” is subjective. I worked with a colleague who was adamant she had lived away from her parents before she’d moved back to their home town. She’d moved about 5 miles away from her home time, on the other edge of the city.

however, 300 miles away from my ILs where dementia and heart disease are starting to bite nastily, I do sort of wish they’d pursued one of their retirement ideas to move closer to us (even though I hated the idea 15 years ago).

The middle class / working class university thing will be fuelled by money.

Working class parents will possibly struggle to fund their kids to be at uni further away so encourage them to stay nearby. I know a fair few families who have purchased cars for student kids as a cheaper option than for them to stay away.

Middle class they are more likely to be able to afford the full on university experience for their kids.

@mids2019 you never answered if they actually told you they wanted their child to stay for care when they were older.

As this could literally be made up in your head

My sister in law is very open about the fact she doesn’t want her kids to move out let alone move away….
they’re all in their 20’s now.

Well, yeah. How apathetic would you have to be about your kids if you weren't secretly hoping that they'd live close by as adults? There's no harm in the quietly held instinct so long as you aren't attempting to engineer the outcome.

My kids are still young, the idea I wouldn’t get to see them regularly makes me so sad. I would love for them to live near me when they are older but I also wouldn’t stop them travelling or moving away. It must be a hard balance to watch your kids fly the nest and show them you are sad but not too sad!

My own mother wasn’t bothered when I left home and it adds to the resentment I have for her.

Are you researching for an article or something, OP? What is your point? That parents seek to stop their children flying the nest? Or that (shock horror) parents miss their children when they do move away? Or (what a groundbreaking revelation) that elderly people enjoy having family ties close by?

It's the opposite of apathetic to want the best lives for your children, and sometimes your local area doesn't offer the best life for them as younger adults. I can maybe imagine mine moving back to this area much later if they have children, but I doubt it tbh.

I think it's implied that as you age it's sometimes helpful to have children nearby. It does sound selfish but I know people who do think a little like that.

I am in a position living in an ex mining town with limited graduate prospects knowing that if my reasonably capable children wish to pursue a degree of will probably be nowhere and they probably won't find suitable jobs locally. I think as a couple we made our peace with it but I am just becoming more aware this is not a universal view.

I moved away from my home region and I know my parents had a a hidden sadness not seeing what brand children as often as they liked and I still think on this :(

I think it's implied that as you age it's sometimes helpful to have children nearby. It does sound selfish but I know people who do think a little like that.

But equally, it's sometimes helpful to be near your parents once you have children, which is also maybe a bit selfish too (although the parents would probably mostly be glad to be near their grandchildren).

Very true

@mids2019 So this person you spoke about in your opening post - didn’t actually say that. These are just your musings and thoughts on it - which actually sound tied up in your parents not seeing their grandkids. So not really anything to do with elderly care?

Does the person your spoke about exist? Are they in the room with you now?

Very happy my two daughters live very close by.
They both went to university but came back to settle down here ( we live just outside London so everything here for them work wise, so that was a factor I’m sure ! ) but still very glad they’re here. See my grandchildren every week so have a close bond with them, I just wouldn’t have that if I only saw them 4 times a year for example.
In an ideal situation, why wouldn’t you want your adult children close by?

I’d be ( silently ) very sad if they ever decide to move miles away, but would of course be happy for them if that’s what they wanted.

This is a weird take on what to me seems entirely normal expressions of affection and a sense of connection.
Granted, we live in a location where DC, when the time comes, could easily select uni options fairly locally or within an easy weekly commute. But I won't be standing in their way if they choose to go further afield and settle elsewhere.
I've moved around, including emigrated, so not lived close to parents or other family members at all, for decades at a time. But we've always felt it would be really lovely to live close to one another, and have now organised our lives accordingly. It's not because anyone's 'harboured a desire' to keep it local ‐we just like each other's company and aspects of life are easy and pleasant this way.

Odinsgoodeye

A relative did say it was A blessing to have your children round as you age. Children that pop in to help with shopping, provide company, transport, assistance with the internet etx. Yes this person does exist but they are different to the one who had university doubts.

Where I live in the NW (Liverpool) very few people move away from family. All went to Uni in the same city or to another major city, but come back. I do think it creates some really nice family bonds, grandparents help with kids because they want to and not because they feel obliged to or get paid to do so. My LO has amazing relationships with his aunties and uncles because he see’s them regularly, which is how I grew up. I know it’s not practical in all areas of the UK as there isn’t a lot of job potential, but as a theory I think it does work.

I'm going to be interested to see what decisions my DC make when they are older. At their primary school, they were one of a very small minority not to be regularly picked up by grandparents and many of their friends also had cousins at the school. DH's job involves a lot of travel (as did some of their friend's parents' jobs) but few families seemed to have both parents in professional careers and that, coupled with lack of local family, meant they spent more time at paid childcare than many others. Not only did they realise this, but I have always explained how choices DH and I made led to this but also how the economics of the situation work.
DC1 is currently looking at US universities which would put her on a different trajectory to those looking to study at the local university and live at home. I have always said it would be nice if they ended up living nearby as it would be nice to have more involvement in their lives and those of any grandchildren than my parents get to have but that I will fully support whatever decisions she makes as she will no doubt always trying to make the right decision for her and, if she has them, any children. You can't really help who you fall in love with and I would always want her to explore interesting work opportunities, wherever they may be based.
DC2 is currently at the gangly limbs and grunting stage so it is more challenging to think of him ever leaving the nest (!) but the same would apply to him.

I’d love my children to stay close once they decide to settle and have a family of their own. However, I wouldn’t tell them that if they were excited to settle elsewhere. What I’d secretly prefer is nothing to do with their choices. I moved away when I was a young adult and my family ended up moving near me. Which has been brilliant as I didn’t realise how much easier life was raising children with extend family to hand.