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How do I turn my life around?

116 replies

Turningthingsaround · 28/12/2024 19:04

My life is shit but I need 2025 to be the year I turn things around otherwise I worry I never will.
I'm in my mid 40s, pretty much always been single, no children. I live alone and I'm incredibly lonely. I don't really have any friends and the few acquaintances I do have have priorities like partners and children. I live rurally with little going on locally. I'm very overweight but have recently lost 2 stone which I'm thrilled with (a lot more to go). I have improved my exercise and eating but it's not been great over Xmas - sure I can get back to it though.

I work remotely which doesn't help with the loneliness but I struggled when working too much face to face as I get very peopled out.

Some weeks I don't see anyone face to face apart from getting served in a shop. I have a few family members who don't live too far away and I see them once a week or so for a walk or lunch but that's about an hour a week or hour a fortnight.

Please don't say join a club etc as there's literally nothing to join. The nearest would be a 2+ hour round trip and I couldn't leave my dog for more than 4 hours. Dog walkers don't work in the evenings around here and kennels are booked up months and months in advance.

I can't go on like this though. I'm so bored. I've literally got nothing to do except work, watch TV, exercise and walk the dog.

OP posts:
Dweebie · 28/12/2024 21:21

It can be a bit of an ordeal to join a social group when you’re already low in confidence, but I think there are some good low key suggestions on here that might be a good place to start. Joining a church, slimming world group or especially park run. Park run is a great option because you don’t actually have to speak to anyone but you feel part of something and if you stick to it, and volunteer sometimes, it’s pretty effortless to get to know a few faces. Might only get you to the social chitchat level but even that can be helpful when you’re feeling low and isolated.

Neveragain8102 · 28/12/2024 21:24

Which area of the country are you OP?

I'm facing similar - though I'm not rural, but in an area thats quite unpleasant and not my kind of people at all.

I've been thinking of joining a church (no idea if it will pan out), a dog walking group, and a local gaming group - to get honest though I don't hold out much hope.

I'm in the middle of England - feel free to message

NearlyNewHip · 28/12/2024 21:25

One more thing and then I'll let you digest all the ideas x I feel fed up and gloomy all the time too. It started to affect my sleeping so I went to my GP, he referred me to the HRT nurse as I'm the 'right' age and I now have my arse stickers. I have now idea if it's a placebo of having done something or its actually the extra hormones, but it give me a bit more, not really positivity, but a bit more positive energy x x x

SexAndCakes · 28/12/2024 21:29

I relate to a LOT of what you have posted and am also caught up in the living alone and wfh trap, feeling unable to change jobs because it would be a big disruption to my career. I will be doing it this year though, because the impact on my mental health is too great. I think the remote working shift has impacted a lot of people this way but we have yet to appreciate the enormity of it in terms of causing isolation.

If I were you I would look for a new job in an office at least part of the time. I fully understand the financial difficulties of moving house and would find it easier to change jobs than move, plus you have said that what little social network you do have is local. I would take the risk in terms of career instead - people change jobs all the time and lots of CVs have short-lived roles on them. The important thing is to be able to tell a good narrative about it.

YourGladSquid · 28/12/2024 21:42

I don’t think there’s any solutions that don’t involve either moving or travelling farther outside, sorry to say.

I’m in a similar situation and it sucks because honestly after a while you get kinda annoyed about having to make arrangements around transport (plus the costs adding up). It’s easier if you drive, though - if I drove I’d join a walking group.

Also are you on the apps? Not necessarily for dating, even just for friends.

BountifulPantry · 28/12/2024 21:46

NearlyNewHip · 28/12/2024 20:23

I know this is 'out there' a bit but a small change that doesn't cost anything and it doesn't matter if it's shit, because you don't have to go again. Maybe try church on a Sunday, even if you're really remote, there's bound to be one. Even if you don't believe, there may be some flyers on the notice board for WI, organising raffles what have you. If some of the ladies look friendly, go again and maybe someone will say hello and you can ask about the groups. Not ideal, as they may be a bit older but it may be a tiny little start. And when you're down in the dumps, sometimes it's that tiny, little start that gets things rolling x x x

I was going to suggest a church.

It actually doesn’t matter whether you believe or not! No one will know!

If you joined a church you’d have people to speak to every Sunday- nice coffee and a biscuit and a chin wag. Get to know people. And the opportunity to help those less fortunate.

For example churches often do befriender schemes for elderly people.

orangegato · 28/12/2024 21:46

Which region are you OP? I am vaguely similar, I hope 2025 is what you/we need!

DaniO2 · 28/12/2024 22:06

Turningthingsaround · 28/12/2024 20:28

If I knew that then I probably wouldn't be in this situation

I think you don't want to change, which is understandable because most of us don't! Change is difficult, hard work and uncomfortable.

I honestly don’t think moving house will solve much for you atm; you’d just end up somewhere new without knowing anyone, whereas at least here you’ve got family nearby.

I read a study recently saying a high percentage of people find new partners online these days – so you could join some online groups for a start. Perhaps that's not getting the same in person contact that you need or wanted but I think it's a step in the right direction.

You just need to figure out what you’re really interested in – nobody else can do that bit for you. And once you do, there are loads of online groups, like book clubs, forums for hobbies etc that can keep you in touch with others outside of work.

You could also look into a bit of volunteer work, maybe at weekends, so you can get to know new people in person. It’s always easier to stay as you are, but look at what you’ve already achieved by losing two stone – that’s brilliant! Maybe take smaller steps next, rather than a huge drastic leap like moving house.

Little by little, you can shape your life into something you're happy with, but it won’t be sorted overnight with just one sweeping change.

Don’t forget to congratulate yourself for everything you’ve done so far – you should feel good about yourself, and you certainly don’t need a partner or kids to do that. You have a job, your own home, your dog, your family etc.

If you are looking for more in-person company, coach trips can be a fun, budget-friendly way to meet people. Lots of single people go on them, and they tend to be older but quite a friendly bunch.

Honestly, I think you’re on the right track already. Give yourself credit and take a bit of time to think about what you want out of this year. No need to set wild goals like moving – go for small, manageable steps instead. Good luck!

angel1977 · 28/12/2024 22:35

Go cold water swimming. Will help you feel better. Interesting looking for places to go. The drive there can be pleasant. I go myself, theres always people about and in the water they talk to you.
Consider other hobbies ?cycling, horse riding, paddleboarding? surfing? Book one, try it out, look forward to the next one, start planning more. Having lessons in something is company. You then start looking for your gear, buying secondhand, getting sorted.

OurSofasAreVulgar · 28/12/2024 23:20

Hello OP

I am in a very similar sounding area. I wanted to come and defend you because people think you are slapping down suggestions when I don't think you are.

Rural means different things according to where in the country you reside. I once had a thread about going to a pub and I couldn't get across that it was a 4 hour round trip to go to a bar bar and not the public bar of a hotel.

It's really hard to think about moving when it involves selling up. I would not be able to get a mortgage so I would be selling up to rent.

I have had to join knitting groups and I actually hate knitting and find it hard to feign interest.

There are sports groups I have joined but they can be quite unfriendly. One in particular you have to be coupled up before you can be accepted because they think you are trying to meet people.

It is hard! Rural life is different.

Absii · 28/12/2024 23:39

Roughly, where are you in the UK? You might find a kindred spirit on here. I'd dm you if you were nearby as I have moments feeling like this.

CharSiu · 28/12/2024 23:50

Get a lodger that likes dogs, you can earn quite a few thousand tax free renting out a room. See if you can negotiate before they move in the very occasional dog sitting evening. We had lodgers before we had children just be sure to have ground rules, they can be asked to leave with pretty much immediate effect as well.

I grew up semi rurally so not even as hard as yourself and couldn’t wait to leave. I like the countryside but not to live in, it’s hard work.

ObieJoyful · 28/12/2024 23:52

Look for walking groups- you can take your dog with you.

PerambulationFrustration · 28/12/2024 23:59

In your situation I'd look to move or set up my own meet up or Facebook group.
Set a social one where you do a variety of activities like walks, dinners and day trips.
I'd do the 2 hr round trip for meet ups on the weekend if there are any events you could join.
Could your family members help out with the dog so you can spend time away?

madaboutpurple · 29/12/2024 03:34

Hi, do you have a library in the area? They often run things. Are there any charity shops near you. You could volunteer if there are.

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 29/12/2024 07:30

https://www.womenwelcomewomen.org.uk/article/home.aspx
My aunties have travelled and stayed with women all over the world with this group.
Even if your place doesn't seem like an attractive option to you the thought of staying in a slightly rundown, rural English (Scottish / &c.) home sounds romantic to an Aussie like me!!

Home

https://www.womenwelcomewomen.org.uk/article/home.aspx

thefedupmummyofgoats · 29/12/2024 10:21

Can you not join a dog walking club or something that involves your dog. Why not start a dog walking group? Sounds like you genuinely wish to make changes but you need your be proactive about what you can do.

mcmooberry · 29/12/2024 11:33

I always recommend lodger in these threads so glad to hear that is an option. A great one for lots of reasons including the ability to save some of the income. Would suggest immediate project could be getting their room looking nice. Look at on line tutorials about painting/prep etc and tackle the work yourself, will get a huge amount of satisfaction from that and will help pass a lot of time. I have a single parent friend who papers/tiles all self taught as she can't afford tradesmen and does a great job, it can't be rocket science!

Have something to look forward to, my brother and SIL are off on their 3rd Explore holiday in a few months, of the 14 or so people on the last trip 7 were solo travellers.

Well done on the weight loss, you are now continuing from a great point of having lost 2 stone. Glad you have the dog to get you out the house and keep you moving as well as company.

However rurally you live there must be other people who would appreciate someone to have a walk/cup of tea with. I meet up with people 20-30 years older than me for dog walks and we have a great chat, so rule out no one.

Wishing you the best of luck, lived alone with a dog for a few years and did find myself lonely at weekends and that was with a full time busy job out the house so can fully sympathise with you.

icelolly12 · 29/12/2024 11:37

Some weeks I don't see anyone face to face apart from getting served in a shop. This stood out to me, and I think it's far more common than many think.

Have you read the book Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine? It was written after the author read an extract in a news article about someone who describes her life as you do.

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/behind-scenes/530/conversation-gail-honeyman

Starting some level of social connection is key. Volunteering even a few times a month can bring that connection. How rural are you? Are you in a village or completely remote? Do you drive?

A Conversation with Gail Honeyman | Penguin Random House Canada

Gail Honeyman tells us about the inspiration behind Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine.

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/behind-scenes/530/conversation-gail-honeyman

TwinkleLights24 · 29/12/2024 11:45

Join the gym and do some classes.
Find some walking/running club sessions.
These will help with your fitness.

Find a hobby.
If you really want to be drastic then move somewhere more populated and find a hybrid job.

LaPalmaLlama · 29/12/2024 11:49

I don’t think you need to stick out the remote job if you don’t want to just because you just started, providing you’ve done previous jobs for a reasonable amount of time so you’re not a serial flake. Lots of people bail on a job after a few months if it’s just really not right for them and if questioned about it it’s fine to say “I realised I wasn’t suited ti a completely remote job”.

TwinkleLights24 · 29/12/2024 11:54

It sounds like you would be happy where you are (close to family) if you just widened your social group.

Make plans with your friends. They will have family commitments but if you plan in advance then more are likely to be free.

Is there really nothing locally? No pub quiz nights? No book clubs or exercise classes? There has to be something not too far away.

ShimmySkirt · 29/12/2024 11:57
Aww Cuteness GIF

I personally get peopled out and a lodger in my personal space would be a nightmare to me! I don't see it as a failure just as less privacy and autonomy in my own home. They also may noy want or need the social aspect and it would feel more of a rejection when they go out with their own friends and shut their room door as soon as they get in.

Since you moved to be close to family i would strengthen my relationship with them and focus on spending more time with them. I would try to reconnect with old colleagues and friends over videocalls or phonecalls if meeting isn't feasible. Look for pubs and places that welcome dogs and go there, chat to people there.

Just thought its a cute gif 😊

Ineffable23 · 29/12/2024 12:02

I think it would be a pretty unusual part of the UK that has no clubs at all for an hour plus. Even pretty rural places will often have a women's institute or a park run or a book club or a local rotary club or a group that keeps local footpaths tidy or a parish council etc. Also, if you can't leave your dog for more than 4 hours, surely 1 hr driving each way would give you 2 hours to do something?

When I lived rurally I just had to accept that everything every vaguely interesting was at least an hour's round trip and most fairly interesting things were 2-3 hours round trip.

Pep12per · 29/12/2024 12:21

@Turningthingsaround Hi, how are you today? Well done on your weight loss, I lost about a stone up to December but I think I have put it back on this Xmas! I am looking forward to more healthy eating from tomorrow as well 😀