How do I turn my life around?

[Turningthingsaround]

My life is shit but I need 2025 to be the year I turn things around otherwise I worry I never will.
I'm in my mid 40s, pretty much always been single, no children. I live alone and I'm incredibly lonely. I don't really have any friends and the few acquaintances I do have have priorities like partners and children. I live rurally with little going on locally. I'm very overweight but have recently lost 2 stone which I'm thrilled with (a lot more to go). I have improved my exercise and eating but it's not been great over Xmas - sure I can get back to it though.

I work remotely which doesn't help with the loneliness but I struggled when working too much face to face as I get very peopled out.

Some weeks I don't see anyone face to face apart from getting served in a shop. I have a few family members who don't live too far away and I see them once a week or so for a walk or lunch but that's about an hour a week or hour a fortnight.

Please don't say join a club etc as there's literally nothing to join. The nearest would be a 2+ hour round trip and I couldn't leave my dog for more than 4 hours. Dog walkers don't work in the evenings around here and kennels are booked up months and months in advance.

I can't go on like this though. I'm so bored. I've literally got nothing to do except work, watch TV, exercise and walk the dog.

Also very jealous of your WFH job - currently looking for one as public transport here is dire 😊

Is there really nothing in your area in terms of clubs etc? I live in rural northern Scotland and even we have church groups, community council, a few exercise classes in the village hall, brownies and scout groups endlessly in need of helpers.

I've started sea swimming and that's been a great way to meet people.

Or if nothing exists take the initiative and ask if anyone fancies a regular walk on your local FB pages or whatever is used.

You might have to travel a bit to nearest village etc but presumably if you are remote you have transport and you don't have a commute.

I don't know if there is a hospital near you but my colleague in a similar situation rents her room to locums from the hospital. She advertises on a notice board there, they're locums so usually only stay 3-6 months but it makes her extra money and she has met all kinds of interesting people from over the world and 2-3 she got on with well and visits regularly in the UK for walking weekends etc. some she likes less but 3-6 months and they're gone. Works well for her

What were your hobbies and interests when you were younger? I’ve returned to some of mine in older years.

If I knew that then I probably wouldn't be in this situation

Okay then, my advice is to start a journal of your dream life. What exactly would it look like? Use social media - Instagram, tiktok, Pinterest etc for inspiration.
You are so so lucky in that you have so little responsibilities to tie you down and prevent you from living your ideal life - no partner, no kids etc. you can literally live anywhere and do anything you like. You just need to figure out what you want. And when you know what you want, then start putting goals in place to make it a reality.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say that I'm in a very similar position, 40s, been single for years, no children, wfh and very lonely but no idea how to change things. It's really difficult and can feel so isolating, perhaps we can support each other?

xx

It is harder to make friends when you reach mid life.

You will have to be really active in getting out and meeting a lot of people. You need to find people who you like, who like you AND who have time and motivation for a new friend. Its not easy.

The best tactics are to do something where you are seeing the same people each week. its this regular contact that means you build up connection and knowledge about each other. Get involved in stuff. So be on the committee of a club, join a campaign group and be active in organising in it. The more involved you are the closer connections you will build up.
Do things you genuinely enjoy and are interested in,. You can't really hope to build friendships at hobby groups etc that you aren't really interested in.
Do a LOT of things. Something most or all days of the week. Not only will it widen the number of people you meet and so increase you likelihood of making friends, but it will also mean that you have things to talk about.

You will have to decide if you will have the opportunity to get involved in enough things where you live, or if you will need to live somewhere else.

You may need to be prepared to travel after work to get to things.

Oh, and could you get a part-time job that brings you into contact with people, such as bar work one night a week or something?

Off topic, but what is your job? I'm looking to move to something fully remote with no pressure to go to the office. Pm me if youd rather keep it secret.

Are there any volunteering opportunities near you? It might be something weekly or fortnightly for a few hours on your day off. A new way to meet people. A friend of mine is retired but craves company so started going along to community litter picks and bell ringing at a church. They aren't every week, but they often go for a pint or coffee after and it means she has a chance to socialise every 4-6 weeks or so, which she finds makes a big difference to her mood.

You are making improvements by getting healthier. Have you found any exercise classes locally that you could get in to? I started doing an adult dance class earlier this year. It is mostly superficial chit-chat so far, but it's a nice social connection and we all went out for a drink before Christmas. I think eventually some friendships could grow.

It sounds really tough OP.

Having a dog seems to be part of the issue (accessing hobbies etc) but as others have said maybe your dog is one answer to some of your isolation? Dog walking meet ups or dog agility classes could offer some new opportunities to meet like minded people locally without the hassle of trying to find a dog sitter?

But I think the advice to dig deep into what sort of life you want and then work backwards from there is a good starting point. You likely have more options open to you than you think - particularly if you are 100% WFH and not tied to one location

It’s very tricky, OP, as these are all the things that would change your life. Without adding in more people, what more do you want? (And it sounds like you want more people.)

Someone suggested a lodger - that’s one way - but not an easy way to make a new friend. Depends how desirable a room in your house is.

Is there anywhere near you that you can do your work that is not at home? A coworking space or even just a friendly coffee shop or library? I know you have a dog. But for an hour or two a day? Or some coworking spaces / coffee shops allow dogs.

There was a woman on a village facebook site near me who posted that she moved to the village a couple of years ago and was embarassed that she had no friends. A brave post. People posted back things that were going on in the village, such as a book club, and invited her to join.

Have you considered fostering?

I think it can be really difficult to imagine changing some of the big things like your job or house when you are in the trenches. There are lots of things available online right now that talk about making changes in 2025. Doing an end of year review for 2024 might help you to see the positives & what you have achieved & then this could be a springboard for your plans for 2025. Chris Willx does a free end of year review via an email template (look him up on Insta or YouTube).

If you're struggling to make plans & put them into action, would you consider being guided to do this? Paul Mort (look him up on Insta) used to do an online course called Unstoppable 28 & he basically guided you through setting goals & intentions. These could literally be about anything (work/business, weight loss, relationships or money/finances). There's a big accountability element which is useful for helping us to achieve the goals. He is very straight talking & a bit sweary, so look him up to see if his style suits you. Some of the things in the course were really practical like getting you to create a happiness buffet- you list at least 30 things you like doing & these could be really simple to more expensive/elaborate & when you're feeling low you do one of these activities.

Another suggestion is to join something online that connects you with people. I know you said clubs weren't your thing but the easiest way to resolve loneliness is to connect with people. Face to face is ideal, but online might be easier for you living remotely. Would an online book club or journalling group be your thing? There's lots out there, it's just finding the right thing for you. Volunteering can also be a game changer & again it can be in person or online/via phone. Befriending a lonely older person can be very rewarding & Age UK do telephone buddies. Looking outward sometimes gives us a different perspective on life.

I work with people who have a diagnosis of a life limiting illness (eg, cancer). I don't want to end on a gloomy note but talking to people in this situation certainly brings life into sharp focus. So many talk about missed opportunities & the plans they had made, but never got round to putting into action. Their diagnosis sometimes is the prompt to get on & do these things.

Do you read at all? Some books that might be of interest:
Four thousand weeks by Oliver Burkeman.
Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg.
This too shall pass by Julia Samuel.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle.
Solve for happy by Mo Gawdat.
Get your spark back by Rachel Marie Martin.

I would start by making small changes, being brave & finding things that you enjoy. These small wins might give you the confidence to then make some more life changing decisions that could change how you feel & give you that sense of purpose.

Good luck, @Turningthingsaround
Update us with your plans & progress if you feel able.

Another gentle thing that I did was join slimming world x I think its about £15 to join then £6 a week. Weight watchers is the same thing. May be one in the church hall once a week. You don't have to follow their plan, you're doing fab on your own but it would get you out one evening a week and used to being with a group of strangers. All the chat is usually food centred, but it's a chat. Even a complete stranger sat next to you is bound to ask "how's your week been?". I didnt make friends as such (and put all the weight back on, but that's another story) but it built up my resilience for talking to strangers a little x

Join some online clubs and go to meetups.

Grow from there.

I have a colleague who does this. She was diagnosed with autism as an adult. She works part time in her main job, giving her a week day to recharge and touch grass, and pub shifts at the weekend so she doesn't get lonely. She found working there gave her socialisation that suited her better than being a punter, plus the £££.

Also the running club near me is welcoming to new members. They meet in a pub car park, group into running speeds and run, then either go home or for a natter in pub. The Facebook page says which pub which week and different sets of people do different evenings, so you could run with the group 3 times a week if you wanted to, although most just stick to one day. Within that structure individual friendships blossom but everyone is welcomed.
Getting involved in one hobby group can lead to another. Like if you want to sing, join any choir, then you will meet Bob the tenor who is in a different choir that covers music more to your taste, and Jane the alto who belongs to a shanty group you never knew existed round the corner from your house, etc.

Is there a slimming world or weight watchers club near you? Could make friends there?

Perhaps chat to gp about feeling depressed counseling might help

Find a local ish online book club you then would have a book a month to digest rather than tv, and you would get interaction about your response their response to the book so nothing personal, there might be meet ups where you could take your dog from time to time

Look locally is there a volunteer group that meets and keeps pathways litter free, mends gates/styles?

Use your rural location for its benefits, can you take up photography, poetry, some creative outlet, start an Instagram page, you don't have to put your face on it but it might give you more of a focus for getting out and it doesn't matter if anyone likes it, do it for you, you will have to choose, crop, edit photos, it will be a good record of your year.

Is there a church near by? You might benefit from the congregation. You don't have to believe just want to be part of a community.

Or a local pub? One that takes dogs? Go in once a week, say Saturday afternoon, with a paper, just get out, be seen, let more people know you exist.

No one can talk to you if they don't know you are there.

It will take a while to build things up so don't get disheartened if you don't meet anyone instantly. Be prepared to play the long game.

Could you rent a spare room on air bnb to meet interesting people and build your confidence?

What about going to the local church?

Sit down and write a list of everything you’d like to improve your life. Add details. The clubs you would like to join, the landscape, the ideal job set up, distance to family. Then work towards this list, step by step.

Weekend walking group?

I'm sorry you are feeling low.

I wonder if you can envisage your dream life and then break into into manageable steps? This might take away some of how daunting it is.

'choosing your hard' might help - selling and moving is hard but might make life so much better. Future you may thank you - perhaps in 2 times time you can look back and see your progress? Time will pass regardless.

I say this as someone who had to make some big changes and it's taken time but I'm where I want to be. It's not been easy.

Well done on your weight loss and good luck!!!!