My ds doesn't want to go to grandparents because of their dog

[blowuptiger]

Ds is 5 almost 6. He used to live going to grandparents until they had a puppy 18 months ago, at first he loved the puppy (he loves dogs in general) but then the pup got over excited and used to snap at ds face. Once drawing blood just under his eye!
It's really scared ds understandably. The pup even tho almost 2 years still gets excited when he sees ds and bounds towards him and jumps to his face. I've taught ds to be firm and say 'no' with a hand up etc but he just panics.

We haven't seen grandparents for months now and seven arranged to go over today (Boxing Day) but ds is really not wanting to go and it's making it very hard.

I've asked grandparents to come here without the dog but they won't leave the dog at home alone!!!! So I thought best thing would be that we go there and can come away when/if ds gets too upset.

Grand parents just dismiss ds worry and say that Ddog is a good boy/he won't hurt you/don't he silly etc etc. it doesn't help with ds worrying.

Sounds like the snapping may have been puppy playing rather than aggressive? I’m not diminishing it because I get if you’re nervous of dogs and especially if the dog is at your face height it’s scary. But yes young, excited, un trained dogs arse about like this.

the grandparents sound useless. Are they your in laws? Does your dh back you up? If they’re his parents he needs to have a firm conversation with them and say that your ds doesn’t want to visit which is obviously a situation nobody wants.

When they start bleating on that the dog is a good boy, shut them down and say that you’re not disputing that. But the reality is there is a small child who is unhappy and the best thing to do would be to control the situation better. then go through options of how that can be done, stairgates, etc. a simple solution is that the dog is on a lead in the house with someone sensible holding the lead and keeping the dog calm and preventing him from jumping up. Your ds may be happier to interact with the dog with that reassurance and get more confident. The dog will calm down at some point. I used to do this with my dog for my nephew when he was small and nervous and it worked well.

I wouldn't care if the dog was at their house running free all over the place.

I wouldn't care because my child wouldn't be going anywhere near their house and they could think what they liked.

Your parents need to keep their dog under control when your DS visits - whatever that takes to make him feel comfortable. It will not do your son any favours for future to become scared of dogs because a puppy caught his face. Keep the dog out of the way when DS arrives, what until dog is calm and keep them on a lead and under tight control in the house so DS cannot be startled by dog. It will take time, it will be worth it for all of you. (From a GM with nervous GKids and a lovely dog!!). Good luck.

I always put my dog away when my kids have friends over. She’s four now but it’s just not worth the risk (she’s small so risk of her coming to harm and the fact she is an animal so I’d never fully trust her). I am shocked and dismayed that your parents wouldn’t do this for your son to visit.
Re the jumping, sounds like it was puppy behaviour but surprised they haven’t trained this out by now. 😩

This dog has drawn blood from your child’s FACE and you’re pussyfooting around? Why were arrangements even made to go over today? Draw a firm line, now: we won’t be visiting until the dog is trained and contained for visits.

That your kids haven’t seen their grandparents for months now is on THEM. MIL is the same: untrained dog, referred to as an equal part of the family like its need to jump up and terrify the kids, bark its head off, growl, ruin clothing, and generally be a twat is on par with humans’ needs to not be clawed and bitten. We don’t visit, she’s not allowed to bring the dog to us, DP ignores all commentary on this and maintains the same line: we’d love to come, just let us know when Dickhead is trained and there’s a dog gate or crate in place and we’ll make plans. Several years now and nothing.

This.

Is there a dear friend who can watch son for a couple of hours while you go

I don't agree with that - why should the son be treated like the problem? If GPs won't put a child before the dog, then I wouldn't go round.

The dog has drawn blood. They can choose to see their grandchild and shut their dog away for the duration or have the dog around and no grandchild. Their choice, they cannot have both

Repeat until they get the message

I agree in point but grandparents won't be here forever. Perhaps son could have a play date with a fun aunty instead.

They need to take DS's fear seriously. It doesn't matter what the dog's intention was, DS is scared after being bitten in the face.

People are so bloody stupid with their dogs these days. Attribute all sorts of emotions to them, don't train them and minimise awful behaviour.

My in-laws have been the same ever since they got their dog, it has really affected family relationships. They are very odd about it, the dog goes everywhere they go, as a policy.

Exactly this.
Not sure they are "grandparent material" if they can't respect the most basic boundaries of all!!

...and I have a dog, I'm not anti-dog by any means.

Your child's feelings need to be respected. He shouldn't be forced to go to his GP.

You were "lucky" it was only his cheek that got nipped. If the dog had caught his eye he could have had his sight affected. Maybe remind them of that when they say the dog is a good boy.

I'd be telling them DS is upset and doesn't want to come and you won't be back until the dog is trained to not jump up at people. The onus is then on them to get their dog trained if they want to see their grandson.

My grandparents had a big dog who would run at us, bark, leap up, jump over the gate etc. I hated it so much but it was the 80s and I was expected to just get on with it, despite the fact I'd be frozen with fear in the car.

I've had a lifelong fear of dogs ever since. Can only go for walks in dog free places - I struggle to walk down my quiet street in case one jumps out at me from somewhere.

I've had therapy lots of times - it's so deep rooted I can't get over it.

Please don't let anything similar happen to your child. It's so limiting to have such a fear - dogs are everywhere.

Support your son. They aren't supporting him, so you need to. Don't make him go. The dog has bitten him already (on the face!) and jumps up at him. It's scary for him. If they can't recognise that and prioritise your son over a dog for a few hours, then they're showing you where they place your son in their family hierarchy - and he deserves better. Show him he matters more than a dog.

Offer to pay for and take their dog to training. Puppy training school will alluminate what he needs to work on.

Encourage your mother/father to also go along after a few lessons.

In the meantime, buy a muzzle and show that to your son.

He should be comforted when the dog wears that.

I have a dog, but if anyone comes who isn't happy around them, or she's a pest, she goes in her den. No messing about.
My DD had a biscuit taken out of her hand as a young child and was terrified of dogs after that. People would claim that their dogs were fine etc but the dogs were right at my daughter's face height and she was scared. She did eventually, through playing with a friends dog, become less scared of them. This then led us to getting our own, who she loves.
If the grandparents refuse to lock the dog away/acknowledge your child's feelings, then wouldn't be visiting.

We have a dog who gets excited when visitors arrive but we'd never let her behave in a way that makes people uncomfortable. If someone was scared, she'd be kept away in another room. Yesterday, she was on a lead sat at my side during dinner so she wouldn't annoy people as they ate. We love our dog, she's very much part of the family but we'd never let her be someone else's problem. It's unfair for grandparents to minimise son's fear or your concerns, they should be keeping the dog away without a second thought.

I think you'd be in the wrong for taking him when he is rightly fearful of an out of control dog. But you as parents, need to own the decision rather than blaming ds. You need t clearly point out you won't be bringing him as it's clear their dog isn't under control and unless they'll shut him out of the room or whatever you won't be having ds in harms away, again. Bugger being popular or keeping grandparents happy, they'll have to learn the hard way but it's your job to back your ds.

I also wouldn't take my child, they need to train the dog. You need to be firm with them, maybe show them this thread full of unanimous replies.

All those saying the dog is dangerous or aggressive - it's not. It's a puppy that is overexcited, and not properly socialised or trained and overexcited pup behaviours can injure unintentionally. It is not fair to dogs to continue to let them behave like that and not train them/socialise them and expect others to just put up with it. Responsible owners don't let their dogs just jump all over a child, even if they are not aggressive.

The grandparents are at fault for not realising this and training their dog properly. They should care that DS was hurt and is now wary, and contain the dog. Our Border Collie was a bit mad as a pup and we had to put up a gate so he stayed in the kitchen when visitors came and he was only allowed out to greet when calm.

They have three options here I guess. 1) find a way to contain the dog while you are there so he can't jump up. 2) meet you outside for a walk when the dog can be on a lead and under control, and prevented from jumping up at DS. 3) if they can't leave the dog, or won't modify how they do things, then they don't see you.

All dogs are ‘good’ dogs until they bite someone, there’s no way I’d be taking my child into their house if it’s had no training and if they wouldn't leave the dog they wouldn’t see us. They are being remarkably selfish blaming their grandson for something that is entirely of their own making.

They are all good dogs until they bite! Please don't put your child through this fearful visit.

My much missed MIL got a puppy when my children were very small. I asked her to make sure the dog was always shut away when we visited, explaining that I didn't want them to develop a fear of dogs as puppies tend to be bouncy and toddlers don't have great balance.

She agreed immediately and a few years later, when everyone was older, the dog and children were happily introduced.

Good grand parents priorise the humans not the dogs.

They should be keeping the dog behind a gate until it is calm enough to be with others. They should be training it so that it does not jump up at people. I have a friend with a young dog who has always kept her dog under control by doing these things. Your parents sound clueless.