Do you try and educate your daughters the reality of life with a man?

[WTFisgoingon987]

I have had a few honest conversations with my early teen daughter about men, what some of them do to women. Some more serious decisions but mostly about the mental and physical load of running a house. Do others do similar? Any topics I should cover? I am disgusted with the men of the world at the moment. I feel like I need to bubble wrap my child to protect her.

Why not show her you can make positive choices, be independent and self actualised, and that it's never too late to start looking after yourself?? My kids have all seen me study, get qualifications, work and spend my own money. They have seen me better myself.

The bit about being a SAHM I've never fully been on board with is the message it sends to daughters, very much like what you are experiencing OP.

Slight word of caution, as a teen I ending up thinking that I HAD to go to uni HAD to GET PROPER JOB ect . I met my life partner at 19 and deep down wanted to get married and have a family but felt thay I would be letting everyone down ( parents). ( I know this attitude means that I was in no way mature enough to get married ot have kids ) but at age over 35 I was still struggling to break this programing. Telling my parents I was pregnant was so scary like I was a teenager and I genuinely felt they were going to be disappointed in me.

My DH does much more of the mental and physical load of running a house than I do.

These last 2 lines give away why this is not a good idea.

I am disgusted with the men of the world at the moment. I feel like I need to bubble wrap my child to protect her.

You seem to be in a bit of an extreme place in your head right now where you hate men and want to pass it on. How would you feel if a dad educated his sons about all the ways women are terrible to protect them?

I sort of had that growing up, where female relatives would constantly tell stories of men being drunks, violent, discarding women for any reason etc. Really put me off from wanting to be in a relationship, I never had a boyfriend or close relationships as a teen, I was pretty miserable as I just pushed everyone away.

Then as I went to uni I realised what guys are actually like - people like everyone else. In fact men have contributed far more to my life and are the ones I can rely on in a crisis.

Still though, I would never choose to have a family/ children, marry etc, partly because it’s been so drilled into me. And no mum wonders why and wants grandchildren, whereas my whole life I had been educated that family life = misery.

Please don’t do that. It can put your daughters to a place where they can’t trust anyone or anything and just withdraw from society. I have another friend who had that kind of upbringing, she’s never had a loving relationship apart from lots of casual sex, and she’s effectively a femcel.

Your kids will see and hear a variety of stories through friends, film/ literature, own experiences, and can make up their own mind.

So stop? Do you want this to be your life?

There’s no ‘mental and physical load to running a house’ for me — DH does all cooking, grocery shopping and most of the laundry.

It isn't all men ofcourse it isn't, but if you've ever had any sort of role including social care like teaching, police, hospital, social worker it is, quite frankly a terrifying number of men.

I was pretty thrilled when DD announced herself as same sex attracted and hope that means she will miss out on a lot of the crap that lots of men bring with them, even if it's 'just' weaponised incompetence

What do you do if you haven’t been able to model a good relationship to your teen DD? Whether you are still with that person or not?

She will have seen abuse etc.

It’s easy for people in good relationships to come in here and say we’ve modelled well but what about for women who have not had the same experience?

I agree. From the bullying DD received at school, I do wonder if there are ANY nice people out there at times?

Thar goes for men and women.

Hmm. DD is 2 so something for the future. I would hope the many brilliant men in her life would serve as an example of a where to set the bar. Worked for me!

I have sons and teach them to be good men.

We discuss healthy relationships and role model household balance. Dh does gift buying for his family and we plan together for dc, he wraps, runs the Dyson round more than me, shampooed the carpets and sofa last week and does the clothes washing. Totally normal balance as we both work ft.

My children, thankfully,were brought up in a respectful, equal, happy home. Their father and I tried to model a good relationship for our children so they at least had a frame of reference. I hope we would have done the same even if we hadn't been together-modelling a break up and ongoing interactions is incredibly important. I always tried to talk about men we knew and saw on the screen-about how they behaved with women and how the women concerned behaved. I don't think it's just a sit down chat-I think it should be ongoing.

Also. I have a girl and a boy, and I tried to make sure that they,and I, didn't slip into unhelpful gender roles, and wherever possible, I did try to challenge anyone else who did. We had one relation who tried to encourage dd to wait on her brother-I did put a stop to that!

The comments about just showing them by example are making me 😂😂😂

I mean, most fathers dint do anywhere close to 50% of the parenting and housework. Most relationships are unbalanced regarding the mental load. That’s simply not an option available for most people.

So yes there is a need to explain.
Just like I explained to my two teens boys what misogyny is and how pervasive it is. How women are frightened and are getting assaulted. How many of them actually get raped etc….
And how I have ensured they’ve learnt to tidy/cook etc…. And don’t see that as a woman’s work.

And no their dad didn’t set any example on any of those subjects.

I talk to my sons and daughters about the importance of choosing a good partner. Someone who will work as a team with them through life, and share both the burdens and the joys equally.

We also discuss financial literacy. Particularly how if “he earns £90k and I earn £10k so he pays 90% of the bills” also means he has shed loads more disposable income than you, and this is not a fair split.

Yes I do. My dm and dsis are both in coercively controlling marriages. Although my own relationship is very different it's important to me that dd's aware of the pitfalls. And I work in a health/social care field so I am all too aware of the horrendous things that can happen to women.

It is a choice, people choose who they have children with so i for one chose to have a child with a fully functioning grown man

If someone is not with someone like why on earth have children with them

And if people go 'well he was a saint before having children' OK you had one then he changes so why go on to have more

People make their choices in life, how many women post on here with how terrible their partner is before having children yet then get pregnant and then again and again

I am not a Madonna fan, but have huge respect for her answer when an interviewer asked her years ago when she became a parent what she would teach her daughter about men. She replied that if she raised her daughter to have healthy self esteem, she wouldn’t need to teach her anything about men.
I think it’s part of being a mother to equip your child with the knowledge and frankly defences / weapons that are necessary to survive and thrive. For female children this includes telling them that their number one priority is keeping themselves safe which is more important than being being kind and accommodating to men or popular. Female societal conditioning to be gentle and prioritise others welfare over your own does women no favours.
I also explained when I felt they were old enough that in my very pampered privileged protected middle class childhood and adolescence I had nonetheless encountered at least three pervy men - one a close family friend and an assault. It’s hard, but although I conveyed that most are fine, a girl has to be on her guard with all men and they have to earn trust. I’d rather they were a bit leery of men than naive victims.

My dd has observed and learned from her father the hideous things men are capable of. As have her brothers.

Yes absolutely. I made some awful choices of boyfriends in my teens. I've given them a great role model of a hands on Dad. DD17yrs is very clued up about sadists, rapists, murderers we watch a lot of true crime and crime fiction together. She wants work in Justice in the lab. She has friends who are with boyfriends that mistreat them and has very high standards herself as a result. I'm proud of her.

So many women on mn have seemingly only ever met arseholes. They have my pity. But you get what you settle for. Teach her that op.

Such simplistic black and white answer with no empathy or helpfulness whatsoever.

Enjoy your perfect bubble and sense of perfection and judgement of those that are obviously are very much in a deficit to you. In your opinion.

The question is why so many women tolerate men not pulling their weight. If your partner doesn't respect you enough to share the load fairly, why stay in the relationship? Is it for financial reasons?

I think I agree with the other posters that have said that the most important things are to ensure that your daughters have high self esteem and to encourage them to be financially independent. That way, they shouldn't have to tolerate shit partners.

I only have a son, but I'm going to be teaching him:

• basic self care isn't optional
• how to agree a fair share of communal chores
• showing you appreciate what others do
• equal doesn't mean the same
• talk about money

Teach her self respect and how some people with power (mean girls, bosses and yes, men as a result of being in a sexist, patriarchal society) can misuse that power to be bullying and abusive.
Teach her how to be independent and trust her instincts.
Teach how to remove herself from dangerous situations and navigate the aftermath.
Teach her she can always come to you without judgement.
I think you do need to be realistic - not all men are dangerous or take advantage but a lot do.

I don't think i would go down that route. It sounds like if she wants to live with a man she has to expect shit treatment and an unequal load. I would be hoping to raise her expectations, not lower them

Exactly this.