Do you try and educate your daughters the reality of life with a man?

[WTFisgoingon987]

I have had a few honest conversations with my early teen daughter about men, what some of them do to women. Some more serious decisions but mostly about the mental and physical load of running a house. Do others do similar? Any topics I should cover? I am disgusted with the men of the world at the moment. I feel like I need to bubble wrap my child to protect her.

That's in your gift to change if it's not what you want her to see.

I agree being a SAHM can be good role modeling, but all she sees is me being responsible for picking up after everyone.

So you stop doing it - presuming your children are old enough you have a conversation with them all about their areas of responsibility and start modelling good self esteem and self respect by getting them to pick up their shit. Does she see your partner placing value on what you do for the family, do your kids place value on what you do, what would you like to change for yourself?

I brought up DD(18) with an emotionally abusive husband (now ex) so whilst I can't slag him off in front of her I do drop titbits of advice when she's struggling with a male friend. She hasn't had a bf (or gf) yet but sometimes she comes home saying "Tom is a total shit", I ask why and we then chat about it. To give her dad some kudos, he did participate fully in the chores, and bills, but he was a sulky bully. DD always offers to help me with chores, for which I'm grateful, and is looking for a job to help pay for more of the stuff she needs.

I think it depends what you are already modelling to your children whatever their sex. My son's see a relationship where their father treats me their mother with respect and who shares the household duties. Indeed my son's also share household duties and one does more cooking than any of us.

If yoj are in the situation whereby as a woman you are carrying mental load and an unequal share of household chores I can see why you would need to

Same. My DH works part time, earns less than me and does at least half the housework including cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Not yet, but I talk to my son about how Mummy is not a servant, Daddy can get things too, in a family we all look after each other and do things for each other, and the adults look after the children so they do more, but the children can help with tidying up after themselves, putting things back in the right place and fetching things and doing stuff when asked to help. My favourite line is "We all live in this house, it's not fair for just one person always to be doing the cleaning and tidying up after everyone else so we all need to do our bit".

My children are too young to understand the "mental load" concept yet, but I do get my son to come present-shopping with me for other family members, to wrap and decorate his own presents and lately to sit beside me when I'm booking his activities to "check" I have the right day and time. I think the best way to do it rather than anything else is to involve them day-to-day in the house 'admin' as much as you can (and is appropriate) so it doesn't come as a shock to them that all of these things need organising. My son may still turn out to be lazy (there's nothing I can do about personality as a parent and I'm quite lazy myself if given the chance 😂). But hopefully he won't drift into adulthood with the excuse that he thinks all these things take care of themselves automatically.

Dh has a hard and fast rule that he drummed into our girls if someone isn’t kind to you dump them immediately. No second chances. He taught this to them when they were having primary and teen friendship issues. I thought he was being too harsh and black and white but actually he was damn right. And was sowing the seeds for future relationships.

He would keep saying there are plenty of nice people in the world go find them. It really is that simple.

The thing is, when people are young and hormonal, they don't really think sensibly. I met my ex when I was 19 and spent ten years with him. We almost had a child together but I miscarried.
I certainly wasn't thinking "Oh will this man be good husband material who'll do his fair share of chores and share the mental load with me?" . Absolutely not! Instead, I was thinking, "He's sooo hot. He's in a band, he writes poetry, he's wild and a little dangerous and I want to have sex with him." My poor mum tried to warm me against him but I knew I wanted him.
So we as parents can warn our daughters (and sons) to be sensible but the fact is, when they're young, they'll be led by their desires rather than common sense. I don't think I thought about these things sensibly until I was in my mid-30s.

I definitely have to share my personal experience: back in middle school, we had a neighbor who was really close to us. He often helped me out, like when I wanted to go to my grandma's place, he would say he was going that way and could drop me off. My parents thought he was a great guy too. But he always liked to hug me, not just a friendly hug, but he would put his hands on my hips. I didn't get it back then, but now that I have kids, I always tell them that those kinds of actions aren't good intentions.

I try to talk to them about boundaries and self respect and what you shouldn’t put up with - in the context of friendships as well as romantic relationships.

i also find watching MAFS is very educational in how some men can be awful 😆

Hmmm I grew up believing we had equality and it was something that only affected older generations but sadly the older I’ve got the more I’ve witnessed the disparity and inequality it first hand. I’ve got two daughters and I definitely want to make them aware but I also don’t want it to feel limiting.

Why would you tell your daughter she's more responsible for the mental load and household?!
Unless a SAHP then she should expect a partner to do their fair share of tasks, household chores etc.

I have 2 boys who are young at 5 & 2 they are given chores which are age specific and from 18 months old put their clothes into a wash basket. They tidy their toys away before bed and help in the kitchen.

It's important to teach girls what their boundaries are, what is acceptable and what is not and hold themselves to reasonable expectations. My husband knows very well he's expected to be a hands on parent which he is and to do his fair share of the other tasks.

So women's sole purpose in life is breeding with a man and looking after him and any children?

How many women have children with unsuitable men themselves so how on earth can they teach their children anything? Especially the ones who know the man has a history but ignores it

Wouldn't women have to get it right in the first place to be succesful role models to children?

Surely the best thing you can do is show your children that women don't do everything in a home?

I only have boys and have a loose plan to return to work when both are at school, meaning that I'm currently a SAHM. Me and DH make a concerted effort to show our children that men do housework though. He makes sure that they see him doing jobs, and he involves them in things like laundry, vacuuming, and tidying up.

If I had daughters, I'd talk to them about how to avoid men that leave everything to them, but I'd be very careful not to normalise it with conversations that suggest that's just how men are.

Interesting thread. And lots of responses that are the opposite of what I normally read on here… I think it’s good to forewarn all DC, but especially girls, that they don’t have to put up with shit from a partner and to stress the importance of financial independence. Too many women find themselves falling into the role of traditional mum/wife/homemaker and society often serves to reinforce that, so it can be difficult to escape/move on.

Yes. I very much do from a young age. Both my kids age 14 and just turn 10 know. Do not rely on a man financially earn your own. Great together but if you want out you need tk be able to support yourself and not stay in a miserable relationship for money and being kept. Saying this I am motivated. I did my their dad my ex husband out recently I have a good car and I've worked hard for it. Nothing has ever come easy for me I've worked hard and continue ti do so.

Mine is still very little, so it’s more about talking about friendships and family and how we treat each other, and modelling that.

I did not have healthy relationships modelled to me. DD is hopefully seeing a much better example.

I do fully intend to talk to her about what men can do to women, what to watch out for and the importance of consent and boundaries (we’ve already started this in age appropriate ways ie the Pants rule, when playing you stop as soon as the other person says stop, it’s your body your choice if you want a hug, kiss etc).

I think to say ‘oh but not all men, some are lovely so I won’t talk to her about it’ is disingenuous - a great many men are not lovely. They can be very dangerous. 2 women a week are murdered by men. A huge number more are raped, assaulted, abused - just because your dad and your uncle Nigel are great guys doesn’t mean everyone is, and a great many abusive men are brilliant at appearing lovely to begin with. So I fully intend to talk about what risks there can be, what some men are capable of, and to get out of any situation that doesn’t feel good.

Ive noticed she gets lots of messaging from other family members about when she’s older and is a mummy, when she has her own baby, when she gets married etc. Sometimes she talks about it in a fairly 4 year old way (eg she’s always going to live with us, and we will look after her baby, but she might get a husband and so he will live here too) - I do try to offer the alternatives too - you might decide you want to have a baby and be a mummy, but you might want to do something else instead. You might marry a man or a lady or you might not get married at all - you will have lots of choices when you get bigger you just have to do what makes you happy kind of thing.

I teach mine (and my nieces) to look at how people behave and notice what they say.
There shouldn't be inconsistency.
Always believe how they behave over what they say if there are.
I also teach them that life with a partner should be a partnership and that can take different forms and you both need to be happy with it.
So whether one of you stays at home, works part time or you both work full time, it has to be something that works for the family.

Please don’t be like my Mum and openly hate men and witter on about how awful they are all the time. It caused me huge issues with relationships as I grew up as I constantly expected the worst all the time and when I had a son it really made me feel she didn’t want anything to do with him (she was all too keen to be involved when I had a dd!) It can be really damaging to be so sexist. My relationship with my Mum as an adult was really damaged by it all.

Well I haven’t been teaching my daughters that they’re responsible for the mental and physical load of running a house, FGS (what century is this?) nor that all men are bastards.
Their father works hard, earns well and is an amazing dad. They’ve seen a healthy relationship.

Being in control of their lives, maintaining independence and not putting up with crap from men - or anyone else - is more important.

Giving her all the lectures in the world wont overrule what she sees.

My 11 year old is already somewhat interested in social justice, she's allowed on YouTube (although I have her YouTube account set up on my phone and monitor it, she doesn't post herself on there) and was interested in the US election, and has mentioned Project 25 and LGBT rights to me.

I talk to her about feminism and consent and as I'm a single parent she's used to me having a career. I don't speak badly about her dad but she's already very aware that her dad and grandfather allow her gran to do everything (he lives with parents) and when she mentioned that we had a conversation about gender roles and making sure you are equal in a modern relationship.

Right now she's said she doesn't actually know if she likes boys or girls and I told her she's young enough that she doesn't have to make that decision right now.

it does become very difficult when you have an autistic teen DD who hasn't seen her dad in years but is very aware of what a bad role model he was for her and how badly he treated me. We both know it's not all men as my dad is brilliant but both of our lived experiences say otherwise.

Great advice for life and so true.

I plan to have sensible conversation about what is healthy relationship and to be mindful of dv early warning sign like love bombing etc