Do you try and educate your daughters the reality of life with a man?

[WTFisgoingon987]

I have had a few honest conversations with my early teen daughter about men, what some of them do to women. Some more serious decisions but mostly about the mental and physical load of running a house. Do others do similar? Any topics I should cover? I am disgusted with the men of the world at the moment. I feel like I need to bubble wrap my child to protect her.

My mum was a SAHM for years but had her own money so I understood the importance if that too.

This is also something we demonstrate. Throughout their childhood my children heard us talk about whether things were from the joint account or my account.
To be fair we call it the joint account and it is officially one but in reality the way we work is he uses the joint account but I have complete free access and then I have my account that he has no access to.
Which actually doesn’t sound great but he insists I need my own money but that his money is family money.

My teens would be baffled if I started banging on about the evils of men as Dh heads off to do the last of the Christmas food shop has bought and wrapped most of their presents and is making a Yule log with them later. Absolute bastard.

I'm don't need to tell them, they can see it for themselves!

I love my DH but he is an extra child tbh and my teens can see it for themselves. Sometimes they even point it out to him.

I agree the role modeling is the most important. I had terrible role models, and as a SAHM I feel like I have not being great.

I think being a SAHM can be a great role model - it’s a valid model of a relationship and you can talk about why that works for you (assuming it does) or things you wish you had thought about when deciding to stay home. If she can see your work in the home is equally valued, that your husband/partner is financial fair, that you’ve maintained an identity outside of being a mum etc it might help her see what she might need to consider if she’s in a place of thinking about that choice for herself.

If that’s not the case for you I’d be very wary of airing your grievances to your child and would be working now to make my relationship more equal, which is very good role modelling.

Then I guess they would see from their experience, what sort of man they don’t want!

I think those relying on role modelling are being a bit naive. Being exposed to positive relationships is great. But then how do they know how to spot issues, red flags, etc if they have always been protected from them? Don’t accidentally wrap your girls in cotton wool.

I’m in my 20s and my parents were terrible with this. I was constantly warned about how men are out to get me, my mum
gave me all the talks about being financially independent and focusing on education etc but it was too much. It was like being lectured constantly to the extent it’s now hard to trust other’s intentions.

As a young adult, I’m scared to date! So I don’t think you need to overdo it with these talks.

I think the other posters advice about modelling by example with healthy dynamics at home is much more effective than trying to warn her off or put her in bubble wrap.

😂

So do parents teach their sons about how to live with women? Not all women are saints

The young generation are all about red flags, coercion, gas lighting! They’ve educated me. I had never heard of these terms before having young adult daughters. Social media .

I wish someone had told me how noisy they are after 40, which seems to be a ubiquitous trait. I might not have moved in with one.

So do parents teach their sons about how to live with women? Not all women are saints
I teach both my children - one boy and one girl - what to expect for themselves in relationships. It starts with helping them navigate friendships and goes from there but yes my DS knows he’s entitled to respect and care from all the people in his life.

I really don’t think so.
From experience, every time my first partner did something that didn’t sit right my thought would be my dad would never do/say that. So off he went. I put up with living with him for 3 months.
I actually think it’s more unhealthy to set my daughter up with a thought process that in general men are horrible when she doesn’t see that around her.

I think those relying on role modelling are being a bit naive. Being exposed to positive relationships is great. But then how do they know how to spot issues, red flags, etc if they have always been protected from them? Don’t accidentally wrap your girls in cotton wool.

That doesn’t make sense to me, if you know what a healthy relationship looks like, you can spot an unhealthy one pretty quickly.

I hope the same role modelling shows my son the way to behave.
He sees the way the men around him behave and he does the same.

There are good men out there, and I’m sorry you feel like that isn’t the case, but rather than dwelling on the negatives I’d focus on highlighting the positive qualities of good men. This way, when she’s older and starts dating, she’ll have a balanced perspective—she’ll know what traits to look for and what to avoid, rather than carrying only a negative view into her relationships.

I have regular conversations with DS15 and
DS13 about consent and respect but not about mental load - which is remiss of me given that was a key driver in my divorce!

Totally echo those of you with DD stressing female financial independence - I would not have an exH without that and I've experienced first hand having to long term financially support female relatives who were not able to manage this.

They say women marry their fathers, and in so many ways it's true (not in a creepy way). My DH is very similar to my dad in a lot of ways. And it's all the good ways. I had a great dad, and he's a great husband to my mum, and I never even contemplated marrying any of the boyfriends before DH. When I look back now I see all the red flags in them and they're all the opposite of how my dad would behave or how he'd treat my mum.

DH isn't his clone or anything, but the values and behaviours my dad showed me are there. It's only as I've matured, and several years into the relationship with DH, that I realised this. But what you grow up with is what you gravitate towards.

Indeed. My brother's ex beat him up and emotionally abused him.

I agree being a SAHM can be good role modeling, but all she sees is me being responsible for picking up after everyone.

I’m in my 20s and my parents were terrible with this. I was constantly warned about how men are out to get me

my mum did always tell me that some men have bad intentions & just because one may be in a position of power eg Doctor, priest or a family member/friend I didn’t have to do what they said or do anything I felt uncomfortable with & could tell her. I didn’t fully understand what she meant till later but I thought it was a good thing tbh.

@@WTFisgoingon987 My mum was a SAHM for years as I said & she is a very strong role model. She was very independent though & had lots of help which isn’t always possible.

Nothing I could tell my daughter about the importance of equality in a marriage would be more powerful than what she sees every single day of her life: her Dad doing 50% of the household labour and parenting, and us supporting each other equally in our careers.

Showing is always more valuable than telling and it’s one of many reasons I’m happy this is the marriage I’m raising kids in.

Who are you picking up after? Are your DC old enough to start doing that for themselves? I did that as a sahm.