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Original poster

DD is a loser

111 replies

icouldnteatanotherbite · 12/12/2024 08:12

I admit to a click-baity title, but I'm desperate for opinions.

DD is 12, and coming to the end of her first term at secondary school. She's bright, and at grammar school. No SEN.

She is keeping up with schoolwork and seems to have lots of friends

This term, so far she's lost:

  • Sports socks (£14)
  • Smart watch (£25)
  • Bus pass (£250 - but £10 to replace - not so much the cost but took me a day to sort out with the admin with a rubbish bus company - I appreciate this isn't her fault)
  • Tangle Teezer hairbrush (£10)
  • Forgot to attend her piano lesson at school (£25)
  • A few forgotten pleas of homework left at home for us to bring in - we haven't, so that she can face the consequences (although she's managed to blag it and hasn't had any repercussions yet)

We made her pay for the bus pass, so that she can "feel" the weight of losing £10 and hopefully look after it better in the future - but two days later she lost the hairbrush. She found the smart watch again, which she'd left in PE.

We have tried strategies - so she has a timetable printed in her room and another one downstairs, to help her get everything she needs that day. She sets a reminder in her smart watch for her piano lesson. Yet still, almost every day it seems that she's lost or forgotten something new.

I can't keep telling her off ALL the time, and I can't make her replace every belonging because she doesn't have enough money for me to bill her £10 every week or so.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:
Elderflower14 · 12/12/2024 08:17

Not being funny but are you sure she hasnt got dyspraxia? Sounds like me at the same age and I have it. Plans and reminders as you are doing are a great idea. Double check before she goes out of the door in the morning!

AutumnFroglets · 12/12/2024 08:22

Stop replacing. The natural consequences of losing items is not having them at all.

Only replace items that ensure her safety like the bus pass.

Rosybud88 · 12/12/2024 08:22

I went on a course at work years ago related to how we all tick etc and the course leader said some people are more prone to losing items and it’s just how they are. He used his wife as an example and said that he’d just had to get used to it. I can’t remember any further details or any conditions linked to it though.

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winterdarkness · 12/12/2024 08:26

I have a very bright niece, now in her 30s. Brilliant academically, PhD in science, etc.... Yet, she's been losing things from the day she was born. 🙂. It's a family joke by now. Sometimes very intelligent bright people simply have no attention for those little things. The cliché of the "crazy science professor" must be based on something

Nothelpingishard · 12/12/2024 08:28

Rosybud88 · 12/12/2024 08:22

I went on a course at work years ago related to how we all tick etc and the course leader said some people are more prone to losing items and it’s just how they are. He used his wife as an example and said that he’d just had to get used to it. I can’t remember any further details or any conditions linked to it though.

Yeah this is me. I know where everything is that belongs to everyone else but I'm perpetually losing my own phone/purse/glasses in the house or leaving things on the back of the toilet door when I'm out etc. Some of the stuff I've managed not to have stolen through utter carelessness astounds me. Once left my DSLR hanging in the loo in an airport. Went back and it was still there. Have left a diamond ring on the side in a hotel, got that back too. Passports, handbags. Very lucky most people are honest!! Though someone did once nick a pair of 10 year old flip flops from under my bed in a hospice which is perplexing 🤣

wizzywig · 12/12/2024 08:29

And you haven't wasted a similar amount of money over the year on nonsense spending?! My view (I admit I'm not your target audience as I have severely disabled kids) is is that its not a big deal.

Slowgrowingelm · 12/12/2024 08:30

My eldest was like this. Oyster zip cards, sports bags at school (and train and bus and corner shops…), he regularly lost seemingly everything at one point or another. Sometimes several times. Didn’t happen with my other children. He was much better by late teens. Although he still does misplace things.

Merrow · 12/12/2024 08:31

Sorry OP - you've described me as a teenager and I'm still hopeless now!

I rely entirely on alarms and calendar reminders to stop me forgetting things (even really obvious things, like putting on my out of office for my NWD, which happens every week). When I'm going into the office I have to pack my bag the night before or I'll forget something in the morning. I somehow lost a tenner last week in the space of walking between my office and a shop. Does her bag have an obvious zip compartment for her bus pass? Or can she attach it to her phone case in some way?

At school the one thing I did that was really successful was just do my school work at school - the library was open late so I just did stuff there and then it never left my school bag.

I know it's frustrating - I'm frustrated by it! - but I'm afraid it might just be what she's like.

Icanttakethisanymore · 12/12/2024 08:31

in my experience some kids take better care of their stuff than others (just like adults). You need to decide if you’re going to replace her stuff or just allow her to suffer the consequences of losing stuff. I think for me it would depend on how hard I thought she was trying to do a better job with it. Do you get the impression she genuinely struggles with remembering things or is she just blasé?

OnGoldenPond · 12/12/2024 08:32

winterdarkness · 12/12/2024 08:26

I have a very bright niece, now in her 30s. Brilliant academically, PhD in science, etc.... Yet, she's been losing things from the day she was born. 🙂. It's a family joke by now. Sometimes very intelligent bright people simply have no attention for those little things. The cliché of the "crazy science professor" must be based on something

From working at a STEM based university, I can confirm the stereotype of the eccentric professor is based firmly in reality. However, a large number of such individuals have diagnosed neurodiversity, so it is definitely worth considering a formal assessment if the standard strategies don't help. Might be worth a chat with her form teacher.

MujeresLibres · 12/12/2024 08:36

For important things like e.g. keys or purse, you could get an air tag to attach to them (or the Android equivalent) that would enable you to locate them more easily.

ManyATrueWord · 12/12/2024 08:44

I was a terrible loser of things until I hit my late 30s. Then I had a big bright purse (visible in a bag) and I controlled the house so I had places for my things.inalso started carrying a bag. Things stopped falling out of my pockets. It's process for me. I have a lanyard for my keys, I don't lose them. I still put my phone down all the time but I can use other tech to make it ring.

Moonlightstars · 12/12/2024 08:46

Me and 2 of my DC are like this. 1 of them and DH never lose anything.
Us 3 losers are all diagnosed with ADHD. However I don't let be an excuse for us I tell them it means we have to work harder than others to not lose things than others and have to make more of an effort to be thoughtful of our stuff. Doesn't make much difference. I'm getting slightly better but I'm now 50 😂

Autofilia · 12/12/2024 08:47

I was like this as a teenager. I have ADHD. I either grew out of it or learned strategies because I was sick of going to the bus depot to get my stuff is left on the bus all the time. I don't lose anything any more and being told off for it did not help.
I was also bright at grammar school with no sen. (ADHD wasn't a thing then).

SapphireOpal · 12/12/2024 08:48

Could just be first term of secondary she's getting used to organising herself.

Or, could be emerging signs of an additional need that has been masked previously and is becoming obvious now she's got a lot more responsibility for her things at secondary. I was like this and have now been diagnosed with ADHD.

pooballs · 12/12/2024 08:53

This was me at school. Im still the same now- lose everything! I’ve tried everything and nothing improves things.

Original poster
icouldnteatanotherbite · 12/12/2024 08:54

She doesn't have any other signs of ADHD or additional need. She's more Arts than Sciences, so doesn't fit the STEM profile of scatterbrained professor.

She never had this issue at primary school - she managed the entire 7 years without losing a cardigan, lunchbox, gloves etc. So I think it's something to do with either the sheer volume of stuff she now needs to look after, or the fact they're moving around the school, so stuff isn't just "around her" like it is at primary.

I think we're doing the right things with checklists etc. but I'm also conscious that she needs to get responsible for this sort of stuff herself. If I'm always running through a checklist with her, she's not learning to be independent.

Absolutely agree with not replacing stuff. She had to get secondhand (I did wash them!) sports socks from lost property. If she needs a new hairbrush, it'll be an Xmas present (in place of another gift).

I very much hope it's just a "settling into secondary school" thing.

OP posts:
Greatpot · 12/12/2024 08:55

My son is the same. Anything I don’t want him to lose has his name on and I’m considering adding a phone number.
I’m not much better though to be honest-I’ll be reminding him to collect his jumper whilst leaving my keys behind.
I did read something that said ‘they never lose their phone though do they’ implying that they juts don’t place importance on anything else but DS is constantly losing his iPad (in the house-it doesn’t leave!)

Llamapolice · 12/12/2024 08:59

Like others I have been like this my entire life. This summer I lost mine and my daughter's coats after taking them off on a hot day. I left a package I'd just collected in the shop. I left her library book in a cafe and her library card in the library, twice. Yesterday someone chased me with her school bag.

I used to beat myself up about it but I've had to train myself to just let things go now, it's just a fact of life for me.

UpUpUpU · 12/12/2024 09:03

Why are people always so quick to label somebody with ADHD?? Some people are just a bit forgetful, disorganised etc. not everything needs a diagnosis.

OP, my guess would just be like your last post. More stuff for her to deal with, moving around etc. She will get better at keeping stuff safe I am sure. Ignore everyone suggesting a neurodiversity. People seem to have forgotten during this current trend that everyone is different and has their own quirks.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/12/2024 09:05

I didn't think I had ADHD either. I actually answered no to any questionnaires about losing things because I thought losing things meant forever. I usually only lose them until I find them. I don't think anyone in school would have ever thought I had ADHD, but I'm nearly certain I do. Girls present differently to boys.

CraftyNavySeal · 12/12/2024 09:06

I mean, we used to live in caves. For most of human history you would be lucky to have the animal fur on your back to keep you warm and maybe a spear. The number of items we are expected to keep track of has increased exponentially.

Some people are good at remembering that had x and y widgets with them, some people aren’t!

MumblesParty · 12/12/2024 09:09

Llamapolice · 12/12/2024 08:59

Like others I have been like this my entire life. This summer I lost mine and my daughter's coats after taking them off on a hot day. I left a package I'd just collected in the shop. I left her library book in a cafe and her library card in the library, twice. Yesterday someone chased me with her school bag.

I used to beat myself up about it but I've had to train myself to just let things go now, it's just a fact of life for me.

Can you not just tell yourself that when you leave somewhere (eg a cafe) you simply look back at where you were sitting, and ensure that the area is clear? That way you’ll never leave anything behind. I find it mind boggling that you’re happy to just accept that you’ll lose things , rather than take simple steps to not lose things!

lurchermummy · 12/12/2024 09:10

Sounds like ADHD to me....

MayaPinion · 12/12/2024 09:10

Ha, yes! I’m like this and so is my son. My DD is the opposite. My DS lost his GCSE results the day he got them in spite of being told 500 times to put them away safely in the top drawer of his dressing table. He did do it but they managed to slip down a crack at the back. That sort of thing happens to him constantly.