DD is a loser

[icouldnteatanotherbite]

I admit to a click-baity title, but I'm desperate for opinions.

DD is 12, and coming to the end of her first term at secondary school. She's bright, and at grammar school. No SEN.

She is keeping up with schoolwork and seems to have lots of friends

This term, so far she's lost:

• Sports socks (£14)
• Smart watch (£25)
• Bus pass (£250 - but £10 to replace - not so much the cost but took me a day to sort out with the admin with a rubbish bus company - I appreciate this isn't her fault)
• Tangle Teezer hairbrush (£10)
• Forgot to attend her piano lesson at school (£25)
• A few forgotten pleas of homework left at home for us to bring in - we haven't, so that she can face the consequences (although she's managed to blag it and hasn't had any repercussions yet)

We made her pay for the bus pass, so that she can "feel" the weight of losing £10 and hopefully look after it better in the future - but two days later she lost the hairbrush. She found the smart watch again, which she'd left in PE.

We have tried strategies - so she has a timetable printed in her room and another one downstairs, to help her get everything she needs that day. She sets a reminder in her smart watch for her piano lesson. Yet still, almost every day it seems that she's lost or forgotten something new.

I can't keep telling her off ALL the time, and I can't make her replace every belonging because she doesn't have enough money for me to bill her £10 every week or so.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

I've been like this all my life. I strongly suspect I have inattentive ADHD, but I don't need a diagnosis - I just watch the Instagram reels and use the advice that makes sense.

I have systems to avoid losing things that I've developed throughout my adult life. They mostly involve either always putting things in one place, or having multiples so if I misplace something I have another ready to go. But of course it still happens - I left my phone charger at work earlier this week and it's gone from the computer I was on. Thankfully it's only my money I'm wasting buying a new one, I don't have to ask someone for money or help.

Thank goodness people are honest. I've put my phone down countless times in shops and parks, only ever lost one completely once. Left bags behind while out shopping, always got them back. I did lose a make up bag once, but since then I have a back up bag in my overnight bag so that I don't forget stuff and I have a back up set.

I also have endless alarms and alerts set up. Even an alarm to collect my child from school on the days I do it, because I lose track of time.

This is me and my Mum, with my Dad helpfully asking 'where did you see it last?'. I really believe that some people are just more forgetful.

I'm sure your daughter feels bad about it already, as it's her stuff she's losing, or events she wants to go to that she's forgetting, but making her feel worse is not going to make the problem go away. I was lucky that my Mum was the same, it made me feel less useless that I would forget things and lose things, while my Dad sometimes acted as if I was doing it just to annoy him.

I think supportive strategies are great, don't replace unimportant things if you don't want to but she sounds a great kid, so I think you need to go easy on punishment or shaming.

I still lose things, but I'm better at events as I have reminders on my phone, as long as I can find it.

MY son loses everything, he does have dyspraxia and just getting him assessed for ADHD.

I think this is good advice, to keep an open mind. Bright girls with inattentive ADD tend to fly under the radar. I probably have ADD, all my kids are ND and so are my siblings. I have a long history of losing things and being absent minded. To the extent I had several near misses nearly being run over as a teen and in early twenties. I'm in my 40s and still losing things all the time and still not great at crossing the road safely. I pay for everything out of my own pocket, I always get the full consequences, I get the fright when I do something so absent minded its dangerous and it frustrates me no end, but I haven't found anything that's made a big difference to my inattentiveness and I've tried all sorts. Medication has helped a bit when I can remember to take it, scaffolding might help but there's no one to scaffold for me. My efforts to be organised and sorted invariably fall apart quickly, but I keep trying hoping I'll find something that works. It takes a massively unsustainable amount of energy to be present for long.

My son was like that. Drove me mad.

Until I stopped replacing stuff or giving a shit.

Lost your PE kit again? Not my problem, mate. You’ll have to wait until next year, and wear the smelly school spares or get a detention. Lost your trainers? Oh, that’s tough shit, maybe your nan might get you a cheap pair from Asda for Christmas. Lost your coat? Shit, it’s cold today; better take that fiver you’ve got to the charity shop and have a look for another, or wear two hoodies.

It soon stopped once I stopped making it my problem. He was far more careful when he had to sort it out and never lost anything again. Not the easiest thing to do I know (and yes, I do realise some children have other issues, mine didn’t, he was just a careless little toad).

ADDitude have some helpful resources for improving working memory. Whether it's ADHD or simply overwhelm and tiredness from a long term of long days, it might be worth a look. You have nothing to lose from putting some strategies in place.

The hard thing is working out if she just needs to face the consequences or needs more help and scaffolding while she learns or if there is a deeper underlying issue. All those causes need different solutions.

It's poor executive function. People have talked a lot about ND conditions because it's so common with ADHD, ASD, Dyspraxia etc but it is possible to have poor executive function and not be neurodiverse. It doesn't necessary improve with age (as I can tell you!) unfortunately.

Lists, calender, reminders- verbal , written, alarms. And natural consequences.

I'd just keep doing it, if she loses something she pays or it doesn’t get replaced.

I wouldn't get angry/cross. It's not deliberate just try to support her and ensure if she loses something she gets the hassle of it not you.

She's not disorganised in a broader sense. She's untidy, but so was I at her age (and it's a battle I still fight!).

I've noticed a marked difference between organisation of homework she quite likes to do (learn a poem off by heart and perform it) vs homework she doesn't want to do (maths/science revision).

I think it's good advice not to get cross, and I'm sorry I did. She definitely isn't doing it deliberately and I can see how upset she is each time she tells me she's lost something new. Making her do without it (within reason) seems the most sensible natural consequence, which is more or less what we've been doing. But I will hold back from telling her how cross I am and how she needs to be more responsible, because I can see how it's not going to help.

(I was particularly cross about the bus pass as I had told her literally the day before not to keep it in a certain open blazer pocket where it could fall out... but she did anyway.)

We just need to find that balance between micromanaging and giving her independence and personal responsibility, and it doesn't feel like we're there yet.

This is pretty normal judging from our year 7 parents WhatsApp which is chock full of messages about lost items.

If your DD wasn’t like this at primary and it’s just this term then I would chalk it up to the transition. She’s getting used to a whole load of new stuff all at once and a lot more responsibilities including things you won’t see as they happen at school.

My own y7 DD has lost numerous items this term. She has found them all in the end but only with nagging.

This is the way. I used to be careless with my belongings, laptops, iPods, because I'd get new ones and it wasn't that big a deal. When I knew things wouldn't be replaced I had to sort myself out or go without. I'd try stopping replacing things and if she's still losing everything and seems upset that she can't remember perhaps there is a deeper issue, but I think this is completely normal 12 year old behaviour when you don't value or appreciate the value of things.

I honestly think it's just a shock to the system and a period of adjustment. I realise it's her responsibility, but can you help her set up simple systems to help?

• A dedicated space to layout everything the night before: bag, uniform, kit, homework etc

• A method where she doesn't have to remove her bus pass to scan it. Put it in a wallet, pocket/retractable lanyard or clear side pocket of bag etc

• A post it note in her lunchbox or on the cover of her book for the lesson prior, when it's a piano day

• A method of securing things to the bag, like the brush so she can use it whilst attached by holding/wearing the bag or has to clip it back in place after use

• Buy more socks. Buy cheaper 'close enough' non-school compliant socks. Ignore school if/when they kick off. It's a SOCK. My washing pile confirms that socks are easily lost at all ages 😁

At the same time as the location changes, she's also navigating the whole new friendships/relationships and let's be honest a load of hormonal and territorial drama. It can be overwhelming. But eventually it'll stick.

DS is in Y7 (also grammar) started to forget things early in the academic year, so he decided to make a long checklist which he puts into a clear plastic file (the ones you can get at WH Smith or amazon these days) and ticks them off with a felt tip pen and rubs it out each night ready for the next day.

I think your DD being aware that she has a tendency to lose/forget things goes a long way. Let her face the consequences and hopefully she will slowly learn. Mine forgot to do his homework one day and was given a detention - he's a lot more careful these days.

Obviously give the help that you think she would need, but also try and let her think about her next steps and let her make her own decisions.

Tiny steps, but I'm sure they'll get there one day!

Re the bus pass - I would let DS call bus companies etc to explain what happened. I did this once when he locked himself out of his phone (entered wrong codes a dozen times) and got him to talk to the customer service, which he wasn't keen, then I did the rest.

Although they are still children, they are old enough to take some of the responsibility of their own actions 😉

I've noticed a marked difference between organisation of homework she quite likes to do (learn a poem off by heart and perform it) vs homework she doesn't want to do (maths/science revision).

I think many of us would do likewise. It takes more mental effort to apply ourselves to something we don't like. The question to reflect on is whether she does this to a similar extent to her peers, or does it more?

If she does do it more, again it's another reason to consider if she could have an ND condition. (Also my radar are pinging gently now that you have said both you and her can be messy). Genuinely, it is worth looking at your family's history on both sides to see if there is a history of forgetfulness/messiness/disorganisation/not reaching potential/frequent job changes/risk taking etc.

I think k you need to remember that some children need a fair bit of support sorting themselves for secondary school. It's very early days and she obviously isn't managing to do this all by herself. Maybe for the home-based stuff you could do it together at night so she doesn't forget things. This might free up her head space for the things at school where you aren't around to help. In time you can gradually pull back. Maybe contact her form tutor and explain that organisation is a Challenge and try to put things in place for stuff like the expensive music lessons.

Look at adhd in girls as it shows up differently In girls

My dd never lost a thing in primary because I would mentally check she has everything before we left the school.

However at 12 years old the changes in hormones start to worsen adhd symptoms
(menopause makes ADHD so much worse)

I didn’t believe I had adhd when I saw the list of symptoms I just thought they were what everyone did/had/thought until I saw a YouTube video by a woman in her mid 20s from the US describing her childhood

Despite coming from some one 30+ years younger, from a different country, culture and upbringing. She was describing my life, my thoughts and what she went through was describing my experiences so accurately

No one would ever know that this was what I was going through as I could never voice my frustration

@icouldnteatanotherbite

"We made her pay for the bus pass, so that she can "feel" the weight of losing £10"

You know that your daughter is struggling, this statement alone shows exactly who you are. Smh.

I have taught this age group for years. Loads of them are like this and it is completely normal. Quite a lot of them have their travel card clipped to their bags to stop them losing it. They are a lot more mollycoddled in primary by their parents and teachers so it gets a bit tougher in secondary. I also think they get a bit of brain fog around puberty.

I think you are saying No to things when she clearly is a Yes

You can’t say she is not forgetful but then say she forgot her piano lesson. Maybe she was distracted by the lesson.

Take heart in knowing she isn’t the only one. At my school the lost property is bursting. pe kits in bags(no names ever) similar blazers (though this has sharply declined with a rock hard uniform policy) Several very expensive coats, lots of single shoes(how?) And my kids were the worst! One nd,so excused, but the other two. I started working there when they were in year 9. I found two coats and a pe kit they lost in year 7!

I second the person that mention dyspraxia is this a possibility op?

im NT and forgot things all the time as a child, driving my mum crazy. I use my phone to set reminders and it works for me. She just needs to find strategies that work for her. It’s perfectly possible to be NT and still really forgetful

It’s quite normal to forget the odd music lesson when you’re head is bursting with all the new info and routines of secondary